Thanksgiving Day 2017

Happy Black Friday! Take a break from shopping to read an update from your friendly, neighborhood Macy’s Parade expert.

TL;DR: NEVER going back to Balloon Inflation again; Parade was FANTASTIC as always, even though I feel old; I ate so much food; traveling back to NYC on Thanksgiving night when I woke up at 5 am for the parade is something I will never do again.

Wednesday night, I joined my friend and sister to attend the great balloon inflation. Turned out to be not-so-great. Ok, it was f*cking horrifically terrible. Good parts, standing in crowds of 10,000 people surrounded by bomb-sniffing dogs and full-riot-gear snipers. Ok jk, those were not good parts. There were no good parts. It was disorganized, and when we finally got through the security checkpoint and bag check (after 30 minutes of waiting), we found out that the line snaked from 74^th street to 76^th street, then back to 74^th, then back to 76^th. 6 total blocks, and even then, you were only at 76^th street and the actual balloons didn’t start for another block after that. Once we got through one part of the snaking line, and after I was hit in the legs by approximately 16 strollers and kicked by approximately 4 children, we knew we had to escape. We asked a police officer how to GTFO. She told us we had to snake back down to 75^th then ask an officer to open the gates for us. We jumped over a barricade and through the other snaking line, and walked as fast as we could away from that sh*tshow.

After that horrific experience, we walked back uptown along Columbus Avenue, in the street on the east side, and GUESS WHAT? We could see all the freaking balloons anyway. They are hundreds of feet long, after all. We even did a good deed, delivering a girl’s keys across Columbus Avenue to her friend on the west side of the street, because the girl was actually stuck inside the balloon inflation line, just as we had been, minutes prior!

The night got a lot better, though. We ate homemade pizza at my sister’s house, thanks to my brother-in-law, and then we went to part ways. As I left my sister’s house, I realized the police were blocking Amsterdam Avenue. Then I realized why: ALL OF THE FLOATS FOR THE PARADE WERE ARRIVING!! It was amazing. I called my sister immediately and told her to come outside. The floats all need to be able to fold up, or disassemble into 12.5 by 13-foot boxes to fit through the Lincoln Tunnel. We got to see the floats all tied down and folded up. Most terrifyingly, we saw the Jolly Green Giant in all of his creepy reverie, head unattached, large hands unattached and filled with even larger ears of corn. This was, by far, the coolest part of the night. And there was no line at all!

I went home and slept for very few hours, then woke up at 5:45 am feeling like it was Christmas morning. I’m Jewish so, this is sort of as good as it gets: PARADE DAY! I followed most of my tips for parade-viewing, bundling up in layers, and stopping at the bodega for an egg sandwich and snacks, and definitely not coffee. I picked up my sister along the way, and we settled in to watch just south of 75^th street on Central Park West at 6:40 am.

It’s not easy to pick, but here are some highlights of parade-watching:

• We were standing right at the beginning of the parade, so we were in front of the opening marching band. We got to dance along with them and hear their awesome songs.
• We were close enough so that the clowns threw confetti on us.
• Unfortunately, I barely knew any of the performers. I think that’s how I know I’m old.
• Performers I knew and got to see: Patti Labell, Common, Flo-Rida, Jimmy Fallon, Bebe Rexha, and ALSO, 98° actually came back from retirement! Love me some Nick Lachey. 

• I’m tall so I could see all of the floats and balloons before everyone else. (Long legs, big city. Duh.)
• Spirit of America dance team came by. And when they stopped their cheering, (“MACYS. THANKSGIVING DAY. PARADE!”), my sister and I started a back and forth “We’ve got spirit, yes we do, we’ve got spirit, how ‘bout YOU!?” And we did that a few times with about 40 cheerleaders joining in.
• SANTA!!! How does one get that job? Does he just have to have his own padding and not be drunk? (Miracle on 34^th Street reference.)

• After the parade was over, we got to see City workers immediately swiveling the traffic lights back into place. Always a sight to see.
• While the streets were still closed, my sister took an amazing photo of me. New profile pic!

Oh, and selfies with balloons. Which needs its own gallery of photos. 

Not to mention that my sister and I LOVE Macy’s and have a special appreciation for most people’s least favorite balloons: The Macy’s Stars! We took selfies (ussies?) with all of them!

After the parade, I went home, still on a high, and watched the parade’s broadcast on NBC. I caught the last 45 minutes and got to see Santa AGAIN! Then I took a shower, FINALLY had coffee, and headed to Penn Station, aka Dante’s 10^th circle of hell on Thanksgiving Day, and headed to South Orange, New Jersey.

I had Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s husband’s brother’s house. There were twenty people there! The food was DELISH and the bar was #STOCKED. I think I had 3 gin and tonics before dinner, then a few glasses of wine at dinner. The only thing I will complain about… No mac and cheese! Unfortunately, since they keep kosher, there was delicious turkey, but it meant we couldn’t have cheese. That’s ok, I know there will definitely be some at Christmas in Texas.

Lastly, remind me to never take the NJ Transit back into New York on the night of Thanksgiving. It was standing-room-only, filled with New Yorkers escaping the suburbs, and there were drunk people everywhere. Also, at that point I had been awake and in constant motion for 16 hours. It was not pleasant.

Maybe next year the plan will be Parade, then movie marathon in bed. But ALWAYS Parade. Until next year!