Pregnancy After Loss

Hot Girl Summer

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photo of person holding electric fan

SURPRISE! Somehow, it’s July. But the real surprise is, SOMEHOW, I’m still pregnant. This was unexpected. I guess for a normal person it would not have been unexpected, because of the whole, “takes 10 months to make a baby” situation of the human species, but for ME? Unexpected.

So here I am, sweating my face off, heat wave after heat wave, and… baby is still cooking.

Don’t get me wrong, this is extremely good news.

My expectations of the summer were either: 1. have a second dead baby in a row and be absolutely devastated waiting for a bus to drive through my window or 2. Have a VERY early baby in the NICU and live back and forth from the hospital or I guess bonus #3. Be hospitalized and on bed rest for as long as we can keep this baby in.

But alas, there was a sneaky #4 I had no expectation for: still be pregnant, living at home, and working at my job, business-as-usual.

So that leaves me here, with hot girl summer, or as I should call it, “no-plans-girl-summer.”

I made no plans for this whole season because of the aforementioned 3 ways I saw this summer going down, but I also made no plans because I’m scared to leave the radius of 10-minute-Uber-to-hospital, and also because going to shows/Central Park/outdoor events etc., means lack of available of bathrooms. Also, did I mention it’s been routinely over 100 degrees on the heat index? No thank you.

I have settled into a comfortable routine of:

  1. Wake up in air-conditioned bedroom
  2. Take meds
  3. Transition to air-conditioned living room
  4. Work on laptop
  5. Go to air-conditioned gym if I can handle the walk there and back
  6. Watch tv in air conditioning
  7. Go to sleep back in air-conditioned bedroom

Plus of course the 3-4 doctor appointments per week, which, depending on weather and time of morning, I am transporting myself there in an air-conditioned Uber, or an air-conditioned bus.

I must admit, it’s weird to watch people have summer plans all around me. There are people at lake houses, people on family vacations, people on wine tours, and of course 90% of my Instagram is back and forth to Europe to see Taylor Swift. Then there’s me, thankful to be cool, home, and pregnant.

Monday, I went to see my nephrologist and she seemed completely floored by how uneventful this pregnancy has been so far. She finished my appointment by saying, “your job right now is to do nothing. Don’t go doing something stupid like traveling to the Hamptons for the weekend, and getting stuck having this baby in a small hospital on the island.” This made me laugh harder than I had in weeks. She clearly does not understand my anxiety that barely allows me to travel downtown for fear that an ambulance wouldn’t take me to the hospital of my choosing. I will heed her advice and I will not be traveling.

The weird part about staying home and having no plans, is that most people are in a frenzy right before they have a baby. There are so many things to do! Paint the nursery, put together the crib and changing table. Assemble the stroller, host the baby shower, do the maternity photoshoot. (Funny sidenote, my sister-in-law asked when I was doing a maternity shoot and I cackled. I said, “when he’s alive.”)

For all of those reasons, people sometimes take off work before giving birth to “nest.” Nesting is for people who know (rightly or wrongly) that they are going to be bringing home a living baby. I am not one of those people. I am not sure, and I am sure as hell not ready. But I am ok with that, and I’ve come to terms with it.

I don’t want to sit around a house I have completely changed for the impending additional occupant, while I have no certainty this baby will make it out alive and think about all the things I do or don’t have, for a baby I may or may not have.

Since 34 weeks, I’ve been slowly putting little baby things here and there around the apartment. I consider it exposure therapy. I refuse to buy diapers, but I do have a fully-assembled baby swing in my living room. It’s a bit anxiety-provoking, since it’s sitting there empty, but it’s helping me wrap my brain around the possibility of having someone in it. At 34 weeks, 4 days, we picked up a bassinet from Buy Nothing. It is in our bedroom. That one was very difficult. For a few days, it was hard to walk into the room and see anything else.

I’ve also been working on a few need-to-do items on my to-do list, mostly around keeping this baby safe and healthy. Since I know that is my absolute #1 priority, I have been swallowing my fear and anxiety, and doing the scary tasks anyway. For example, I took a 4 hour online-CPR class for infants. Last year, I signed up for an in-person class, and the next week I had to write them to cancel. While I think hands-on experience is better than an online class, I was a bit relieved when I saw I was too late for the live classes and they were all booked up. I can’t imagine myself in a room with normal moms-to-be who are doing this class out of a sense of obligation, not because they actually know babies who have died from SIDS. I have also begun researching/interviewing pediatricians. Again, I didn’t do this because I wanted to, but because my doctor told me to, and because I know I will need a doctor who understands how important it is for me to keep my son healthy.

The whole “buying stuff for the baby” is still an issue for me. I have found that second-hand things are far easier for me to stomach. The idea of going to a store and walking through a baby aisle with happy and naïve moms-to-be, the idea of having this baby boy specifically in mind while I pick out an outfit and picture him wearing it, I just can’t do it. I see a cute “going home outfit” and I imagine him dead in it. I know that sounds horrible, but it just is what it is. So, I have trouble with purchases.

Here are some things we have: a lot of second-hand clothes, a secondhand baby swing, a secondhand bassinet.

Here are things we don’t have: diapers, wipes, a stroller and a car seat.

For some reason, the items in the latter category seem like a hurdle the height of Mount Everest. For diapers, if he’s dead, who will I put diapers on? For strollers, stroller shopping is the last thing we did for Maliyah before I went in the hospital. We decided on one and then never got to buy it. I just can’t bring myself to get one. And the car seat is the hardest one of all. It’s the one thing required by the hospital for you to take your little one home. But what if we don’t get to take him home? Buying a car seat seems so overly confident, it seems like tempting fate.

I know it’s close to the time when these things are necessary, but the advantage of 1 day delivery and living in NYC is, it’s not actually urgent. It feels like it when I see people on social media, but it’s really not. By the time I leave the hospital, if I have an alive baby, everything will have been delivered (pun intended).

So for now, I will do nothing. I will stay inside in the air conditioning, I will drink water, and I will go to my doctors’ appointments. I will wake up every day, lay completely still in bed until I have reassurance that he is alive, then I will thank all of the gods in the universe, and then I will distract myself. I am getting VERY good at Sudoku.

(Written at: 35 weeks, 6 days)

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Big City Living

Sizzling City Summer

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Yesterday was approximately 1009 degrees Fahrenheit. Who knows what that is in Celsius (really…  no one knows), but the point is, the second I left the house, I regretted it. And I started to count the hours until my next shower. 13. FML. If you haven’t noticed, New York City hates the heat. They also hate the cold, and love to complain about pretty much anything, but they especially hate the heat. That’s proven by our rise in violent crime in the summer. We get hot, we get angry, we literally kill each other. Seems logical.

There’s no avoiding the stifling heat. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not even summer yet. That means it’s about to get EVEN WORSE. The heat is everywhere if you choose to leave home. And for some of us, due to our jobs, it’s inevitable on a Monday morning. The first sign of heat (besides the insufferable humidity and difficulty breathing) is the look on everyone’s faces. Gone are the friendly Christmas-in-New-York-Isn’t-The-Rockefeller-Tree-So-Pretty faces. New Yorkers are known for perfecting the RBF, but this version of Heat RBF is next level. Example of unspoken Heat RBF: “if you move one inch closer to me on this subway, I WILL CUT YOU.” No words are necessary. The eyes say it all.

Although the heat is undeniable and unavoidable, some places are worse than others. Here’s a list of the worst places to be in the heat:
  • Outside. We already covered this. Avoid at all costs. But if it’s impossible to avoid, reduce your outside time to small doses. That means if it’s more than 5 blocks away, it is now out of your “summer radius.” Enter Seamless/GrubHub/instacart. It’s worth the delivery fee. You’ll save that money in the amount of water you’ll save by not having to shower for the fourth time that day.
  • Rooftops. Plainly speaking, they are closer to the sun. Also, heat rises. It’s science. Some of us still believe in it. If someone asks you to grab drinks and chooses an outdoor rooftop in summer, with no air conditioning, they clearly hate you. Decline politely. Or not politely. Automatic swipe left.
  • Subway Stations. Now guys, I know this is unavoidable since we are already not walking more than 5 blocks. But if at all possible, avoid this. Can you take the bus? Subway stations are notoriously hot. Standing on the street in the heat and sun, though counter-intuitive, is actually much cooler than descending into this Hades-like death trap. It’s comparable to the depths of hell, I’m pretty sure. When people tell me I’m going to hell (happens a lot on the phone at the rabbi job), I generally tell them I am well prepared because I’ve been in a subway station in the summer. If it’s a subway station that has the option to wait upstairs, do that until the last possible moment. TRUST ME. Is it worth a cab? With MTA fares increasing every month, the answer is, probably yes. Or use Via. It’s only 5 bucks! (And you can get $10 free if you use my code emily5s6e #ShamelessPlug #HelpMeImPoor #InsertReminderThatIWentToLawSchoolForNoReason).
  • My Spin Class. The YMCA has been having some trouble controlling the temperature in the Spin room. 33 people. 33 bikes. 4 fans are simply not enough. So far, no one has fainted in my class but it is only a matter of time. I accidentally closed the door for 3 minutes (one song), and the mirrors in the front of the room completely fogged up. I drew a heart with my finger. But what I really wanted to draw was “KILL ME.” For some reason, nobody left before the 60 minutes of class were over. I would like to credit my amazing playlist (follow me on Spotify!), but I think these people are just SUPER-driven. If I wasn’t teaching, you can bet I would have pranced out of there by the second song.
  • A Subway Car with No AC. At this point, most New Yorkers have read about the epic F Train Near-Massacre last week. Everyone’s worst nightmare: the subway was between stops with no wifi, and it lost power. No power = No AC. People were stuck for almost an hour. They stripped off their clothes. They asked for help by writing on the fogged up windows like in my spin class. They screamed. They cried. Horrific. This phenomenon of subway cars with no AC requires its own blog post. For now, just know that as a rule of thumb, this is the ultimate thing to avoid.

Long story long, there’s no good place to be in New York City in the summer. It’s crowded, it’s hot, and it’s way too small. There are bad places, and there are worse places. My advice: make friends with someone who has a house in the Hamptons. Then tell me who they are, because I’ve been here 7 years and I haven’t found one yet. Godspeed, fellow New Yorkers, it’s going to be a scorcher. And please, for the love of god, do not forget deodorant. 

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Big City Living

Tips For NYC Living

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Living in New York for almost 7 years, I would not consider myself a native or an expert at all (I still have NO IDEA where the J train even goes… does anyone take that train?). However, I have picked up some very useful tidbits along the way. You can use them if you live in NYC, or you can use them if you’re visiting and you don’t want to be automatically targeted as a tourist by a panhandler.

  • BEWARE THE EMPTY SUBWAY CAR. This is not a drill. As with everything in this city, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I once didn’t see anyone in a car and when I got in, I realized I was in the apartment of a man. I swear I think he had a full kitchen with a Bunsen burner in there. TBH, I was a little jealous of his low/nonexistent rent payments. Main problem, of course, is that he didn’t have a shower. You get it.
    • Sidenote: Even if the subway car IS 100% empty, you’ll probably just spend the whole ride waiting for the anyone else to get on, and wondering if you’ll be the next person “ripped from the headlines” for Law and Order SVU. Rule of thumb: just avoid the empty cars.
  • BEWARE THE FULL SUBWAY CAR. Especially in the summer. I know I sound like a hypocrite here, but is a happy medium too much to ask for? Trust me, loose hair, sweaty bodies, arms in the air… It’s all just a bad combination. If the next train is coming in 3 minutes, do yourself a favor and wait.
  • If you see a young person standing in the middle of the sidewalk in a pinnie holding an Ipad, CROSS THE STREET. I don’t care if it’s for the ASPCA, and they asked you if have “30 seconds for the animals” and if you LOVE animals. It never takes 30 seconds. NEVER. You’ll probably end up $10 poorer with 5 emails/week from change.org. Just put in those earbuds, and avoid eye contact.
  • Speaking of earbuds, never leave home without them. There’s nothing that calls out “TOURIST” more than a person without earbuds. Why are you taking in the sights and sounds? The sights: dirty. The sounds: loud. There, now you know. And I saved you 10 minutes shooing away hecklers asking you to go to a “free” comedy show.
  • Free stuff abounds. I know what you’re thinking, how can there be free stuff in the most expensive city in the USA? Well here’s how: you pay for it in time. Last week there was free ice cream at Ben & Jerrys… for anyone who was willing to wait on a line that was 2 avenues long. Free movies? That too. Free tickets to shows? That too. But be prepared to wait. If there’s one thing New Yorkers love to do, it’s queue. And get something for free.
  • Mystery-depth slush lagoons in the winter. There are many articles in the Gothamist about this particular near-death phenomenon. Invest in some rain boots, unless you love sitting at work for 10 hours in soaking wet, freezing, gray/black pants.
  • Garbage day in the summer. AVOID AVOID AVOID. You know those gas masks you see people wearing in China because of the smog? I’ve considered investing in one. Yes, it’s that bad.
  • City juice. You know when you’re walking down the street and something wet hits your shoulder. And you think, “Hm, I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today” and then you look up and there isn’t a cloud in the sky… and then you think “maybe it was from a window AC unit,” but there aren’t any of those either… My advice: pretend it didn’t happen. Then, when you get home, take a nice, long shower.
  • Shoes. Nothing makes you stand out more in NYC than shoes you can’t walk in. New York is one of the only places you will see people walk around in fashionable clothes and comfy kicks. You really can’t afford not to. How else will you wade through the slush lagoons and trash piles?

Feel free to leave any other advice in the comments. Like I said, I’m still learning so if you have any pro-tips (like how to avoid sweating through your clothes before you get to the office in August), let me know.

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