Big City Living, Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Subway Dwellers

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Recently, there have been so many problems with the MTA and public transit that I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore. Check my twitter, it’s littered with tweets about the terrible trains. Examples:

https://twitter.com/LongLegsBigCity/status/1022229438333939713

https://twitter.com/LongLegsBigCity/status/1014131211869057024

Also, if you missed my post about the non-air-conditioned subway of death, check it out. Anyway, enough about the actual trains, for today, I’d like to talk about the PEOPLE I hate on the subway and in the subway station. I try not to do too many “list” posts, but it is required here. This is in no way an exhaustive list; I hate a lot more people.

  • People who don’t know how to use a Metrocard. Fine, I hate tourists, you caught me. But is it really that hard? Not too fast, not too slow, swipe it just right. It’s like the Goldilocks of the metrocard swipe. And for those of you who swipe the card with the magnetic strip up?? I have no words. Have you ever used a credit card? A debit card? A food stamps card? What good will it do if the magnetic strip is NOT IN THE READER?! If you tried twice and you haven’t figured it out, step out of the way, I’ve got places to be!
  • People asking for money. I could do a whole post on this one, but I’ll start with my least two favorite categories:
    • Special category of hatred: SHOWTIME. We know it, we’ve seen it; even the MTA has ads that try to combat these juvenile hooligans that believe the subway is their training center for acrobatics. I happen to like my eyes. Both of them. My nose too. I’d like to keep them intact, and your flying cartwheels are making me think I will not keep them that way.
    • Special category of hatred: man with a drum. This guy pulls out a massive drum, sets it on the floor and starts to retell some long history of drumming. Do I care? No. Has the long history changed since last week? Also no. Here’s the main problem with this particular busker, the drum is LOUD and it shakes the ground! I am here trying to read after a 12 hour day and I really do not need to have my head literally pulsating with each of his drum beats.
  • People who put a cigarette behind their ear the minute the train pulls into the station. I do not need to see that advertised. Also, you’re a bad influence for the children. There are a lot more fun ways to die than self-induced lung cancer via cigarettes. Is it that difficult to wait 2 full minutes until you exit the train and go up the stairs? Or will it take you 4 minutes to ascend due to decreased lung capacity? Either way, just wait. And while you’re at it, pull up an old D.A.R.E. commercial on Youtube.
  • Manspreaders. You have something between your legs. We get it. 
  • Smelly People. Do I really need to elaborate here? Shower and WEAR DEODORANT. It’s really that simple. Obviously I know there is nothing you can do about sweating. It’s 100+ degrees outside. It happens. But please do the rest of your fellow commuters a favor and shower daily. It should be a prerequisite before the subway turnstile. Not sure who would want the job of sniffer enforcer though…
  • People who try to get into the subway car before letting people out. I know, I know, you don’t want to miss your train. But where do you think you’re going to stand if you don’t let people off? Common courtesy here. And here’s a little known fact: they actually won’t leave the station if you’re still boarding the train. This is not Japan. Calm down.
  • People with baby strollers that are so large I can fit in them. Y’all. I am 5’11” and I should not be able to fit in your stroller. If your baby needs a stroller, they should be small enough that your stroller need not take up half of the car. If you can afford a $3,000 baby-mobile/miniature car, then grab a cab. Did you run out of money buying the stroller? Then trade it in. I hear ebay has a great black market.
  • People whose loose hair touches me. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. I have literally offered someone a hair tie before. It is JULY for god’s sake. Please, just tie it up. I am so happy for you that you took your biotin and niacin and your hair is silky smooth, but GET IT OFF OF ME. It is sticking to my sweaty arms and that is not fun for either of us.

That is my non-exhaustive list for now. I have many more people I hate, it depends on the day. Do you have any other particular categories you’d like to hear my thoughts on? Let me know below in the comments.

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Big City Living

Dante’s Inferno Subway Car

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20 days into summer and it officially happened to me. The most dreaded thing for all New Yorkers. And yet the most inevitable as well. No, I do not mean finding a roach in your apartment (inevitable). Or a mariachi band on your commute home after a 14-hour day (also inevitable). This is arguably worse than both: an un-air conditioned subway car.

You have heard the stories, and if you have ever lived through a summer in this steamy, garbage-stenched city, you have probably experienced it. This living horror story never happens when you are on your way home, minutes from a cold shower, or on your way to a pool where you can cool off (supposedly a few of these exist in Manhattan-proper; it’s like a unicorn). No, these 5-10 minutes of Dante’s Inferno hell ALWAYS happen on your way to work, or worse, on your way to an important business meeting or interview. This is Satan’s way of making sure that when you show up, you smell half like a homeless person, and half like rotting garbage, and your hair is plastered to your face to really accentuate your cheekbones and the mascara-tinged-sweat that is still slowly dripping down the sides of your previously well-made-up face. Am I exaggerating? Maybe slightly. But for the most part, no. This is by far one of the worst things that can happen to a New Yorker in the summer besides finding out your landlord is raising your rent 15% (this actually happened to me).

In the past, I have recounted several experiences in stream of consciousness, from my one and only half marathon, to my thoughts leading up to my first date with my emoji boyfriend. Dante’s Inferno Subway Car is one of those highly-relatable phenomena that lends itself to second-by-second analysis. Every second’s thoughts being mostly, “GET ME THE F*CK OUT OF HERE.” Read my thoughts below and let me know in the comments if you’ve ever had the same feelings.

  • “YES. Only 2 minutes until the next train. Maybe I’ll actually be on time.”
    • Note: You are ALWAYS running late when this happens, it’s like Newton’s 4th Law
  • “Empty car? This is too good to be true.”
    • Note: It’s ALWAYS too good to be true.
  • *doors open* “Hmm, the air coming out seems warm, is it warm?” *walks in car*
  • *doors close* “OMG I HAVE ENTERED THE GATES OF HELL. SOMEBODY HELP ME.”
  • “I have 3 stops, can I make it all the way there in this steam room of rotting human flesh?”
  • *looks around* “There are at least 10 other people in here that are managing. I can do this.”
  • “I CANNOT DO THIS. HOW ARE THESE 10 PEOPLE DOING THIS?!”
  • “3 stops to go, though, is it worth switching cars?”
  • “I’m switching cars at the next stop.”
  • *peeps through window to next car, sees it’s completely full*
  • “Ok maybe it’s actually better in here with all of my room! It’s hot, but at least no one else is in here.”
  • *legs slide down seat because of sweat between them* “It’s not better. Still 2 stops to go? I gotta get out of here.”
  • *train stops between stations* “You’ve got to be kidding me. Am I being Punk’d?”
  • *looks around, sees no cameras, sees a lot of other miserable people* “Why is no one else sweating as much as me?”
  • “Do you think they would notice if I wiped my face with my shirt?”
  • *wipes face with shirt* “SHIT I forgot I was wearing foundation. Now my makeup AND my shirt are ruined.”
  • “Who even cares, no one will be able to see past the fact that I look like I casually popped in a pool on my way here.”
  • “Remember that time when I blow-dried my hair this morning? LOL”
  • “Well at least I remembered waterproof mascara today. Was my eyeliner waterproof?”
  • “They should really advertise this specific situation in makeup commercials.”
  • “No, they shouldn’t. No one would buy a product with anyone in the commercial looking like how I look right now.”
  • “I know my parents constantly remind me that subways never had AC back in their day, but ‘their day’ was BEFORE GLOBAL WARMING WAS A THING.”
  • “What if I actually die in here? How long does it take to die from heat?”
  • “Ok, I’d probably faint first. That might be more comfortable than consciousness.”
  • “Is it possible to make oneself faint?”
  • “Then I’d definitely be late, though. But it would be a great excuse.”
  • *doors open* “One stop to go, switching cars!” *runs faster than I have in years of going to run club*
  • “OMG I never thought I’d get to heaven and yet here I am.”
  • “Are wet t-shirt contests still a thing? Because I think I’m #Winning”
  • “Does this count as my workout for the day? I think I sweat more in the past 7 minutes than I did in Spin class last night.”
  • “What are the chances I dry off before my destination? Probs slim to none.”

Well, there you have it. In all of its #sweatzilla, disgusting glory. Note to the tourists visiting NYC in the summer, BEWARE the empty subway car, don’t even bother trying to do your hair, and ALWAYS bring extra deodorant.

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Big City Living

Tips For NYC Living

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Living in New York for almost 7 years, I would not consider myself a native or an expert at all (I still have NO IDEA where the J train even goes… does anyone take that train?). However, I have picked up some very useful tidbits along the way. You can use them if you live in NYC, or you can use them if you’re visiting and you don’t want to be automatically targeted as a tourist by a panhandler.

  • BEWARE THE EMPTY SUBWAY CAR. This is not a drill. As with everything in this city, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I once didn’t see anyone in a car and when I got in, I realized I was in the apartment of a man. I swear I think he had a full kitchen with a Bunsen burner in there. TBH, I was a little jealous of his low/nonexistent rent payments. Main problem, of course, is that he didn’t have a shower. You get it.
    • Sidenote: Even if the subway car IS 100% empty, you’ll probably just spend the whole ride waiting for the anyone else to get on, and wondering if you’ll be the next person “ripped from the headlines” for Law and Order SVU. Rule of thumb: just avoid the empty cars.
  • BEWARE THE FULL SUBWAY CAR. Especially in the summer. I know I sound like a hypocrite here, but is a happy medium too much to ask for? Trust me, loose hair, sweaty bodies, arms in the air… It’s all just a bad combination. If the next train is coming in 3 minutes, do yourself a favor and wait.
  • If you see a young person standing in the middle of the sidewalk in a pinnie holding an Ipad, CROSS THE STREET. I don’t care if it’s for the ASPCA, and they asked you if have “30 seconds for the animals” and if you LOVE animals. It never takes 30 seconds. NEVER. You’ll probably end up $10 poorer with 5 emails/week from change.org. Just put in those earbuds, and avoid eye contact.
  • Speaking of earbuds, never leave home without them. There’s nothing that calls out “TOURIST” more than a person without earbuds. Why are you taking in the sights and sounds? The sights: dirty. The sounds: loud. There, now you know. And I saved you 10 minutes shooing away hecklers asking you to go to a “free” comedy show.
  • Free stuff abounds. I know what you’re thinking, how can there be free stuff in the most expensive city in the USA? Well here’s how: you pay for it in time. Last week there was free ice cream at Ben & Jerrys… for anyone who was willing to wait on a line that was 2 avenues long. Free movies? That too. Free tickets to shows? That too. But be prepared to wait. If there’s one thing New Yorkers love to do, it’s queue. And get something for free.
  • Mystery-depth slush lagoons in the winter. There are many articles in the Gothamist about this particular near-death phenomenon. Invest in some rain boots, unless you love sitting at work for 10 hours in soaking wet, freezing, gray/black pants.
  • Garbage day in the summer. AVOID AVOID AVOID. You know those gas masks you see people wearing in China because of the smog? I’ve considered investing in one. Yes, it’s that bad.
  • City juice. You know when you’re walking down the street and something wet hits your shoulder. And you think, “Hm, I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today” and then you look up and there isn’t a cloud in the sky… and then you think “maybe it was from a window AC unit,” but there aren’t any of those either… My advice: pretend it didn’t happen. Then, when you get home, take a nice, long shower.
  • Shoes. Nothing makes you stand out more in NYC than shoes you can’t walk in. New York is one of the only places you will see people walk around in fashionable clothes and comfy kicks. You really can’t afford not to. How else will you wade through the slush lagoons and trash piles?

Feel free to leave any other advice in the comments. Like I said, I’m still learning so if you have any pro-tips (like how to avoid sweating through your clothes before you get to the office in August), let me know.

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