Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Project Net Zero

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Money is on a lot of our minds nowadays. Some people are worried how to pay bills this month because the government discontinued unemployment checks. Others of us are on Amazon every day buying our happiness to our doorstop. Either way, one thing is for sure: all of our spending habits have changed this year.

I am incredibly lucky to still have a job, and despite losing all of the income I was bringing in by teaching at the gym and braiding hair, I am still saving more than ever because I can barely spend any money. I’m cooking meals at home, having drinks at home, making coffee at home, not traveling anywhere… basically everything I spent money on BC (Before Covid), I can’t do anymore!

This change in spending habits came at a very interesting time, right after I got engaged. You may remember that my now-fiancé was the first person to whoop my finances into shape in 2017. He works in finance and needed to give me a crash course on how to be fiscally responsible. Now that we are talking about combining our lives and finances FOREVER, we talk about money a lot!

Back in 2017, he was horrified that I had credit card debt (not to mention my sky-high pile of student loans from law school), and he quickly taught me the importance of a retirement account. Also, I didn’t understand the concept of a savings account. I mean I did, but I didn’t have any money to put in said account.

I posted a blog in April 2017 to talk about my newfound addiction to mint.com. I finally gave in to my dad and boyfriend’s pleas to start budgeting and tracking money, and I became obsessed. At that time, I was checking my account every day. Now, it’s a little bit less, but it’s still fun to check! There’s something about watching the graphs populate that makes it fun to save. There is some science behind this; it’s all about the gamification. There are studies proving that this can work, and there are many apps that have been created specifically with this in mind. I love to look at the Trends tab with performance graphs and pie charts, and I love receiving the emails congratulating me about my increased credit score. The whole thing is fun. And since there’s nothing left in 2020 that’s fun, I was checking my mint the other day when I realized something… I’M ALMOST AT NET ZERO. That’s right, my net worth is approaching equilibrium. I told my fiancé and he said that when I get to net zero, we can throw an “Emily is Worth Nothing Party.”

Amazing News: I think I’ll get to Net Zero in a month or two.

Bad News: I was SO PSYCHED about the prospect of a party I didn’t realize that Covid would still be going on, so it was likely to be a party where I wear a party hat in the house and drink alone. Meh.

Anyway, I know you want to know how I got here. When I started using mint in September 2016, I had a net worth of $-107,000. At my lowest in November 2016, my net worth was $-111,612. Talk about daunting. I didn’t understand how I would ever dig myself out of 100K of debt by sticking to a $20/month coffee budget. You may recall my wake-up call was when my dad asked if I needed a payment plan to pay for my $120 state taxes. I was determined to try and get out of debt. Some of these tips and tricks you may be able to use, and some, I realize may not be applicable.

  1. Track your spending. This is pretty straightforward. Over time, tracking spending does change spending habits. For me, when I realized my $100 bar tab would show up at the end of the month on my mint, I thought twice before ordering another round.
  2. Get a roommate. I know, this seems dumb but BY FAR the most expensive thing each month in New York is rent. It’s astronomical. I never had a crazy expensive apartment, but I saved $500/month when I moved in with my boyfriend (now fiancé). The other day I added up how much I’ve saved on rent since we moved in together: $21,000 (42 months x $500). That’s a lot of moolah. Maybe you can’t move in with a boyfriend, but seriously consider how much of your paycheck you’re spending on rent before you sign a lease.
  3. Credit Card Churning, baby! This is a complicated concept for some, but if you’re spending money anyway, spend it in a way that earns you money back! (Spend more and save more! HA) I wrote a whole blog on it before, so I won’t reiterate, but I have probably saved $10K-$15K in travel in the past 4 years by solely using points.
  4. Set Goals. You guys know I’d rather set a goal than “make a resolution,” but SMART goals work! I had 4 financial goals in 2019, and by putting pen to paper and looking at them periodically, it kept me honest and committed. I surpassed them all! Make sure they are attainable, so you aren’t dejected.
  5. If you have student loans, try to understand repayment options and interest rates. Again, I wrote an entire blog series on my student loans, so I won’t say it again. But it’s important to know the interest rates of your loans so you can pay off the high interest ones first. Maybe combine it with #3 and get a credit card to pay off some of them.
  6. Take advantage of any retirement contribution from work. I am super guilty of NOT doing this. When my fiancé found out my work had a matching program that I was not taking advantage of, he literally texted me the next day at work to ask if I had signed up yet. And that means a lot because he does NOT text me during the day (we’ve worked on his texting; it’s gotten better since 2017). If your employer is matching any percentage of your contribution, take advantage. That is literally FREE money.
  7. Advocate for yourself at work. I’m talking about raises. Have you been at the same job for years without pay increases? You are your own best advocate. You need to figure out how to get compensated for your work. Is this easy? Hell no! It’s super hard. I coach people every day on how to ask for raises, and it’s still not easy for me to do! If you are very lost on where to start, I recently listened to a podcast with Ramit Sethi, author of I Will Teach You To Be Rich, where he laid out a specific plan on how to speak to a supervisor about a raise.

I did all of the things I listed above, and more. Between lack of travel this year and decreased all-around spending, I am almost at Net Zero! Do I still have student loans? You betcha. Almost $100K still. But my retirement is growing, I have a 401K, a Roth IRA, a savings account, the whole deal. And more than the numbers, I feel like I’m in control of my finances for the first time in my life. Do any of you guys set financial goals? What’s the hardest part about it? Have you had any big achievements? What do you do to celebrate?

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Recovering Attorney – 5 years out and 4 years clean

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It’s that time again. Every year, 9 days after my birthday, is my law school graduation anniversary. Ironically, it’s the day after D-Day. Now, it may be a bit dramatic to compare my freedom from law to the freedom of the world and rescue by the Allied Forces, but whatevs. It’s the same for me.
If you read my post last year about being a Recovering Attorney, you’d know I was only working in law for 11 months, even though it felt like much longer. I have finally gotten to a point in my life where I don’t mention being a lawyer when I introduce myself, or when people ask me what I do for a living. Let’s be honest, in New York, it’s the first question out of anyone’s mouth after “What’s your name?” New Yorkers love to ask questions, and in general, we are more brutally honest than in other cities. It is not uncommon to hear 20 people at a party boasting about how they can’t afford their rent. They include figures about their electricity bill, their broker’s fee, everything.
I used to feel like I needed to mention I “used to be a lawyer” when asked what I did for a living. I stopped mentioning it for a few reasons. First of all, the longer ago I quit, the more fake it felt to mention it. I only practiced law in earnest for under a year, so a year after I quit, it seemed silly to mention it. And if you add in the three years I was in school, it was still only 4 years total. I felt it was time to stop mentioning it. But for a while, I still did. If you recall from my blog last year, there are only two good things about being a lawyer: the money, and saying you’re a lawyer. I had already given up the mulah (more on that later), and I guess I wasn’t ready to give up the “prestige” that comes with the title.
Despite my conscious decision to stop mentioning my history as an attorney, it’s often an inevitable topic because it’s tied to so many other questions: How did you end up working for rabbis? Why did you move to New York? Why did you live in Brooklyn before Manhattan? Etc. etc. etc. All answers lead back to law school and lawyering. But unfortunately, the questions don’t end there. I told you, New Yorkers love intrusive questions. Inevitably, once I tell someone I used to be a lawyer, it leads to more questions. For my 5-year-law-iversary, (or 4-year-non-law-iversary), I will tackle some of the FAQ’s I receive. I’m really writing this blog for my future self. In the future, when people ask me unending questions, I’ll just give them this URL.

Really? You used to be a lawyer?

For some reason, this is always the first question. Do people think I’m lying? Is this something funny that people do? Do they think Ashton Kutcher is going to come out and say “JK Emily is Punking You?” I have no clue. I always find this a strange question. I guess some people find it unbelievable. The funny part about people thinking it is unbelievable, is that it’s actually quite common. I have read many times that close to 40% of people with law degrees do not practice law. In fact, some people pair this question right afterward with the statement that they know another person who also quit law.

Plainly speaking, I am not alone. And yet people always ask me this question. Maybe it’s because my “personality” does not lend itself to being a good lawyer. I have heard this many times, too. I try not to be offended by that. What in the world does that mean? I’m not smart enough? That can’t be the case. I graduated law school in the top third of my class, I wrote on the top law journal, I took (and passed) two state Bar Exams… so what is it? When I try to rationalize this in my head, I decide to interpret it that I am too nice. Lawyers are mean, blood-sucking people. (Ok, I exaggerate slightly). This brings me to the second question I am always asked:

Why did you quit?

I could honestly write about this in a post itself. I’ll do a cursory list instead, and maybe fill it in for a 6-year anniversary post in 2019:

  • The people are mean.
  • I prefer fulfilling work.
  • I don’t like to work on the weekend.
  • I don’t like leaving work with the feeling that I’ve ruined people’s lives.
  • The people are really mean.
  • Even waterproof mascara runs after you have been crying for 8 hours.

What did your parents think when you told them you were going to quit?

This is sometimes the third question, but sometimes, it’s the first. I find this incredibly strange as a 31-year-old. Most parents had their own children by now. Some of them had careers they chose to quit for child-rearing purposes. So, shouldn’t they understand if I chose to quit, simply to go to another job? It’s not like I became a hobo. More importantly, aren’t parents supposed to say, “I don’t care what you do, as long as you’re happy?” In theory.

Two days ago, I had this conversation with a woman in her 50’s, and she said exactly that: “I know I’m supposed to say I only care if my kids are happy, but honestly, I don’t know what I’d think.” Here’s the deal: If you have a kid who is so miserable that she calls you crying every day, eventually you’ll agree that she needs to find another path. And that is exactly what happened with my parents. When I told them after 3 months that I was looking to leave the law firm, I don’t think they were thrilled. They gave me a lot of lines about “sticking it out,” and “I’m sure it will get better.” But as the months dragged on and I was more and more miserable, the tears increasing, the misery palpable, and the innumerable job applications unanswered, they finally came around. It didn’t take too many crying lunchtime calls before they realized it was probably best that I left. In fact, they even supported my idea of moving back in with them. It was not my first choice, but with my lease ending and my patience running low, it seemed like a good idea, even though I had not lived with them in 9 years.

It also helped that none of their money went into my law school education or housing, so they couldn’t say I squandered anything monetary. Sure, I squandered three years of my life, but NBD.

I should also note that I have very supportive parents. I’m not sure if every other parent out there would have been thrilled with my decision, but there also comes a point in your life where you have to make yourself happy first. I was lucky that in improving my own life, my parents had my back. Plus, now I work for rabbis. They couldn’t be more thrilled (and hysterical every time I bring up a Jewish holiday or Yiddish word).

Do you miss the money?

People seriously ask me this. I live in NYC where apartments the size of a closet cost $2K/month. OBVIOUSLY I MISS THE MONEY. An article just came out this week announcing that the first-year class of attorneys at big firms in NYC will now make $190K/year. LOL

I’m always completely honest on my blog, so I’ll admit I did not even make half of that as a lawyer. My salary was $84K (including a $1K bonus), and that was before taxes. So the reality is, I don’t make that much less now, percentage-wise. And if you were to divide that by hours worked, I make MUCH MORE now that I work in the non-profit sector (LOL again). So I do miss the money, but it wasn’t much money to begin with. It certainly was not enough money to buy my life and happiness. Don’t get me wrong, a certain amount of money may have bought me happiness, but $84K in NYC is chump change. #NotWorthIt

Also, since my student loans are income-based, I was paying more in loans. That brings me to the next question I’m often asked:

When will you pay off your loans?

GURL. I have no idea. The good news is, I now work in the non-profit sector, so I am a very eager participant in the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program. I wrote an entire blog SERIES about my loans last fall, and I wrote one post in the series about how I am paying them back. If I continue in non-profit, and if I continue to make income-based payments, the rest of my loans will be forgiven in 6 years and 2 months. If I do not continue in non-profit, or if the PSLF program is rescinded, that will not happen.

Also, please note that I said my loans will be forgiven, not that I will pay them off. The answer to when I will pay them off is: NEVER. They are literally growing every month. So yeah. Not happening anytime soon. Good news: they are discharged at death.

Do you miss it?

I already said this, but I did not enjoy anything about lawyering. I enjoyed SAYING I was a lawyer, but I never interacted with people because I was always at work, and the people at work already knew I was a lawyer, so no need to tell them. The other thing I sometimes miss is dressing up. It always felt like dress-up to me. But I did dry-cleaning last week for the first time in 3 years, and I definitely do not miss those bills.

Will you ever go back?

People ask me this all the time. And it’s usually the last question before I curtail the conversation with a swift and resounding NO. Last year, I recounted a conversation with my boyfriend about how likely it was that I return to law. I said 90% no, and he said he thought it would be 97% no. At this point, I think I am a 99% no. I would possibly go back in-house at a firm to do recruiting and career development, but not as a lawyer.

That covers most of the questions I receive. Do you have any others? I’m pretty much an open book at this point. The other question I get, obviously from people who don’t know me, is “should I go to law school.” I already covered this extensively, but, RUN. RUN AWAY FROM IT AS FAST AND AS FAR AS YOU CAN.
Have a great summer, and as you enjoy your time at the beach and in the park, think of all the lawyers slaving away in their recirculated air offices. Even on a Sunday.

 

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Student Loans Part Two A

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I want to thank everyone for reading my LONG first post about my student loans. I received some great feedback in the form of comments here on the blog, and also in the form of private messages from across the country. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read it, and that you are grateful I opened the conversation. I was incredibly nervous to talk about this, but I know from the response I received that I made the right decision. I decided to definitely add an entry (after telling my own story) to address some of the questions and comments, so please continue to give me your feedback and your responses so I can talk about them in a few weeks!

This installment is the most personal one yet because I talk about the staggering amount I actually owe. I know that there are many of you out there who owe more, and some who owe less, but no matter the exact number, it has an effect on our decision-making and our futures. Therefore, I am splitting this entry into two parts, with the second one addressing the impact my loans have on my decisions, and the compromises and concessions I make in my daily life. This stuff is depressing, and this blog is not called #LongLegsBigLoans, so I will try to intersperse these with lighter topics. As always, please subscribe and I welcome all comments. Also, if you know anyone else struggling in silence (you probably do, if you look at the numbers), feel free to pass it along! Thanks for reading ♥

Part 2 (A) – Amount of Money; Loans on Loans on Loans

Soundtrack: Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child

“Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo-bills?”

Student loans are a generational problem caused by a hat trick of terribles: 1. Higher education is now necessary to get any sort of high-paying occupation, which it was not during our parents’ generation. 2. Education costs a sh*tton of money. Tuition has gone up 538% in the past 22 years! And salaries have not followed suit. 3. Banks and the Federal Government know that, and take advantage of it by charging astronomical and stifling interest rates, and not forgiving loans when they originally said they would. Some states have taken it into their own hands and have actually sued FedLoan servicing over their unethical practices, acting as the enforcer when FedLoans has repeatedly mis–charged borrowers and refused to reimburse them. Even the Massachusetts Attorney General called them out on their “unfair or deceptive practices.”

So let’s say you don’t actually get overcharged and you are just being “rightly” charged an arm and a leg every month for the indeterminate future. This installment is going to be about the sheer quantity of loans people carry. There are a lot of numbers at the beginning, so don’t let your eyes glaze over. The math will be over quickly and then I will explain in laymen’s terms how terrible this all is while I listen to the “Songs to Cry Too” (sic.) playlist on Spotify. Spoiler Alert: there’s a lot of Ed Sheeran.

People are afraid to say the true magnitude of their loans, so I’m going to start by just straight saying it: I currently owe $92,907 in federal loans and $6,713 in private loans. Total Owed = $99,620. In a few months, it will undoubtedly be 6 figures. I finished law school with $86,702 in federal loans and $12,000 in private loans. Let that sink in, I went from $98,702 in loans when I graduated, to $99,620 at the current time, 4 years later, and I have made thousands of dollars in payments over the years. My federal loans have literally increased by over $6,200 despite the fact that I have paid hundreds, and at some points, thousands of dollars to them every month since I graduated.

The good news is, some states are trying to curtail this problem by offering free tuition to state schools (GO NEW YORK, GO!). The bad news is, there are no such programs for graduate school, and if you go to a grad school, you’re basically f*cked. Americans owe over $1 trillion in student loan debt, spread out among about 44 million borrowers. That’s about $620 billion more than the total U.S. credit card debt. Approximately 40 percent of the $1 trillion student loan debt was used to finance graduate and professional degrees. Also, the interest rates on grad loans are higher.

There may not be any state-funded programs for grad schools, but there are still some scholarship programs or merit-based options. I received $39,000/year in scholarship from Brooklyn Law School. That means that if I did not have that scholarship, I would have completed law school with a whopping $216,620 in student loans. Just think about that for a second. If I did not have scholarship, I would have left school with the amount of loans that could pay for a nice, suburban home.

I cannot believe I just admitted that I had that much money in loans. As you read in Part One, one of the major emotions associated with loans is shame. But really, why?? Everyone has them. Or at least 70% of us do. What about the people who didn’t have scholarship? I was almost one of those people. I applied to 10 law schools, and I was accepted to 7. Many people suggested that the decision was simple: go to the highest-ranked one. For me, that was Boston University, ranked 20 at the time. Top 20 school, they said. No brainer, they said. However, BU didn’t offer me any financial aid. I decided not to go there, and that decision was based solely on money, not at all based on the fact that I saw a roach when I toured the building. (Ok, the roach probably made an impact, too.)

In hindsight, especially since I do not work in law anymore, I think I made the correct decision. But how would I have known that for sure at the time? Anyone I asked advised me to go to a better school, one that would improve my marketability, and therefore improve my job prospects, and therefore would improve my earning potential. When I was applying to and choosing between law schools, the conversation of student loan repayment almost never came up. In hindsight, that seems incredibly short-sighted and a bit unbelievable.

I was speaking with a friend who does not have any loans recently, and I was pitching the idea of writing about this topic. I cited a few vague statistics, noting that I owed about $100K, and that I had a combined $120K in scholarship. He looked at me like I had 5 heads, and he said, “What? That can’t be, that means that people can graduate from law school with over $200K in loans!” It seems crazy, but it is entirely possible. Brace yourself for some more math here; it’s basic, don’t worry. Tuition is $50K/year., which means 3 years of law school = $150K. That leaves only $50K for room and board for 3 years if you want to leave school with only $200K in loans. That means $16,666/year. Let’s say you live in a modest apartment in New York with roommates, for about $1,000/month (what a great deal!). That means your rent is $12,000/year, not including utilities, and that leaves you $4,666/year for food, utilities, metrocard, oh, AND BOOKS. Which can be $1,000/semester. Basically, there is no way you can get out of law school with only $200K in loans if you don’t have scholarship. And then school ends and the interest hits you.

Last year, my dad was asking me questions while filing my taxes (thanks again, daddy!), and he asked me, almost incredulously, “you didn’t happen to pay over $2,500 in interest on your loans this year, did you?” I basically laughed in his face. OF COURSE I paid that much in interest! Thankfully, the one place student loans come in handy is when you do your taxes, thanks to the big break you get for interest. But the fact that my own father had no idea that literally ALL of my payments I make toward my loans go ONLY to interest, shows the ignorance that most people without loans have about them. Last year I paid $5,500 toward my federal student loans. Of that, $5,500 of it went to interest. That’s right, all of it. Here is a screenshot of my payment to my federal loans from June of this year. $462.32, $0 of it applied to the principal.

But this brings me to my next obvious point: the reason some people cannot empathize is because they do not have any first-hand experience. I talked about this in Part One dealing with emotions, so I won’t say much about it here, but those who do not have loans just don’t think about it. Their world doesn’t revolve around these monthly payments, so they don’t realize just how much of a lead weight it is for so many people.

I have one friend who told me she used to pay student loans 8 separate times throughout the month until she consolidated them recently. Talk about a constant reminder. She was basically hemorrhaging money EVERY FOUR DAYS. According to CBS Money Watch, students typically end up with five to seven different loans at graduation. Each one can be for a different amount and carry a different interest rate.

I have another friend who told me her monthly student loan payment is higher than her mortgage. She lives in Utah, but STILL. For those of us not in Utah, or those of us without spouses, how are we supposed to purchase homes, build families, or become independent humans, when we are paying ridiculous amounts every month just to stay above water? It really is a huge problem.

THE MOST DRAMATIC BLOG POST CONTINUES NEXT WEEK!! Stay tuned and subscribe; next week I will explain the small and big ways I try to save money to stay above water, as well as the huge life decisions that will be impacted by my student loans: career, family, home, retirement, basically everything. The following installment, I will tell my personal story about which repayment plans I have opted into, and out of, and how I am using free credit card offers to pay off my private loans. $$ FREE MONEY! $$

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Student Loans Part One

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Welcome to a three-part series about student loans. This is not financial advice. This is a summary of my personal experience, my feelings, and how I have dealt with this very big problem (pun intended). I got the idea to write about student loans from one of my friends who comes to my Spin class. She said, “I have an idea for your blog. Maybe I’m the only person who would be interested in it, but since you are a non-practicing lawyer, I would definitely love to hear what you have to say about student loans.” Here’s the thing: she is NOT the only person interested, because SO MANY OF US HAVE THEM. It’s unbelievable how large of an issue this is for our generation, and yet so few of us actually talk about it. The first rule about student loans, is don’t talk about student loans. JK, the first rule is to pay them because if you don’t your credit is screwed for life. Some credit blogs talk about it, but in the real world, it’s an unspoken ever-growing elephant in the room.

When I started brainstorming what I would write on, I realized I had SO many thoughts. In fact, I have way too many for one post. Therefore, this will be a three-part series with possible follow-up to address comments and questions. Part one, below, deals with the emotions associated with student loans. Part two will deal with the sheer quantity of loans, the weight it puts on me/us, and how it changes my/our behavior. Finally, part three will deal with my own personal story of loan repayment, the multiple payment plans I have opted into, and out of, and it will include some advice that I have (thankfully) taken from my very financially-savvy emoji-faced bf.

This is a bit more serious than my typical blog posts, and more personal for sure (I’m going to tell you how much I owe!! GASP!), but I hope to be helpful by at least beginning the conversation. If you have any comments, if you want to empathize, if you care to sympathize, or if it just plain makes you mad, please please leave comments. Misery loves company.

As they said on Real World, “this is the true story… when people stop being polite and start getting real.” Without further ado, my semi-interesting take on a super taboo, off-limits topic. Maybe I’ll even help someone.

Part 1 – Emotions

Soundtrack: So Emotional by Whitney Houston

“I get so emotional, baby, every time I think of you”

When I started to consider the real possibility of writing about loans, my first thought was, “will anybody care?” As I said above, there are a huge number of us young professionals, especially in New York City, who have student loans, so why don’t I hear about it? I recently was talking to a friend about how it seems that everyone on my Facebook is going on extravagant vacations, and I’m just drowning in debt. Last week alone, my Instagram feed featured 1 friend in Italy, 2 friends in Greece, 3 friends in Croatia, 2 in Austria, 1 in Iceland and 1 in Bali. WTF? Why wasn’t I going on extravagant vacations? Oh yeah, student loans. Even if my payments were only $200/month (LOL I WISH), if I didn’t have them, I would have an extra $2,400/year to travel the world! That brings me to my first emotion: FOMO (fear of missing out). Next week I will talk about how my spending habits are affected by my loans, but suffice it to say, I don’t take any extravagant vacations.

My friend reminded me that this FOMO is the unfortunate consequence from the nature of social media: people post the highlight reel. No one posts about student loans. She was 100% correct. As I started to pitch the idea of this post to a few friends, it turned out there were many more drowning-in-student-debt millennials in my circle than I originally thought.

But also, why DOES no one post about student loans since it’s such a huge problem? The answer is: it’s fucking depressing. There, I said it. Who the hell wants to talk about the fact that we are all so broke that we will never be able to purchase homes and we will have to put off having kids until it’s possibly too late, etc. etc. More on that in Part Two of this trilogy. But the point is, there are a lot of emotions surrounding student loans, and it’s not an easy concept to grasp for the 30% of the population who does not have loans. For those of us who do, we just suffer in silence. I was going to call us, the loan-havers, “the haves” and the others as the “have-nots,” but it doesn’t seem right to say that people with $150K+ in loans, HAVE anything. Besides anxiety.

When I first started dating my emoji-bf who I am not allowed to talk about at all on this blog, hence the emoji, I HATED talking about money. Dreaded it. Every time he would bring it up (which was a lot, he’s a finance guy), I would completely close off. Sometimes I would literally scream, “Alexa, bedroom off,” and our lights would go off, and I would turn away from him in bed and refuse to speak to him. Over the past two years, he has worn me down, and we now talk candidly about money pretty frequently. In fact, you will see some of the knowledge I have gleaned by finally listening to him in Part Three of this series. I was mostly shying away from the topic because I was ashamed, but also because I felt he couldn’t relate.

Now, I am about to break the “don’t talk about your bf at all” rule here, and I will put him out there, so to speak: he doesn’t have any student loans. Why does that matter? Because it makes it really difficult for him to understand me and relate to my feelings about the loans. Don’t get me wrong, he gets the idea of loans. In fact, he probably (read: definitely) understands them more than I do. He understands interest rates and consolidation, and he even knows what the abbreviation APR means. True confession: I still don’t know. Scratch that, it means Annual Percentage Rate. I just googled it. Anyway, even if he does know all those fancy words and complicated numbers, he still doesn’t get it get it. Or rather, he doesn’t get ME.

Having students loans to pay, especially loans of this large quantity, is not like having an electricity bill to pay, or a car payment. There is a lot more involved. Some of the emotions involved with loans: anxiety, dread, fear, helplessness, shame, regret, isolation. Just to name a few. A lot of these are interconnected, like the anxiety of having so many loans hanging over your head is combined with the dread that you will never pay them off. Also, there is a certain fear that you will be tied down forever, and of course, the constant fear that you will default if you lose your job, which will ruin your credit, or the fear that since you are forever-indebted, you will never be able to have a house or a family. There is even the fear and guilt that if you die, your family will get stuck having to deal with them. Yes, I’ve looked into this, and luckily, according to the U.S. Department of Education, if the borrower of a federal student loan dies, the loan is automatically canceled and the debt is discharged by the government. Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to private student loans, but that’s a whole different story. At least there’s that to look forward to: the sweet release of death. JK. Sort of. And then of course there is the fear that no one will ever want to marry you, because they are marrying your debt. As if being single isn’t hard enough in NYC, AMIRITE? Sigh.

And then of course the embarrassment. This isn’t a “woe-is-me, this happened to me without my knowledge” sob story where I want you to feel bad for me. But that almost makes it worse. There’s a certain shame and embarrassment associated with the fact that I got myself into this situation by my own choices. It’s not that I unexpectedly had children I need to support, or I fell ill and I have medical bills I can’t pay. I made my own bed here. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. So now here I am, trying to figure out how to deal, but doing it alone. I was recently told about a podcast with WNYC called Death Sex and Money. They did a two-part series on Student Loans and the huge secret they are. They had a higher response than they ever have before, and everyone was keeping it a secret. There was a guy who called in from his car. He was a successful engineer raising a family, making 6 figures and he still had over $100K in loans. His wife didn’t know. His friends didn’t know. It was a huge scary secret.

All of these emotions combine to create a sense of helplessness. There is a certain feeling that you have dug yourself into a hole and there is simply nothing you can do about it. Part of that is true, but part of it isn’t. I will address what I am doing to try and dig myself out in Part Three of this series. Moreover, there is a unique shame associated with having so many loans, especially since no one talks about it. We know our parents don’t have it, so why us? It must mean we did something wrong, right? It must mean we made some wrong decisions along the way, right? And that’s where the next hard-hitting emotion comes in: regret. Lord knows I have a lot of that. Here I am talking about being weighed down by law school loans, and I don’t even practice law!! Do I regret it? EVERY DAMN DAY.

And then there is the isolation. But here’s the thing: it’s not our fault and YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! According to Forbes, tuition and fees have risen 538% since 1985, outpacing the Consumer Price Index by over 400%. Now more than 70% of students graduate with loans and outstanding student loan debt totals $1 trillion. And tell your parents to shove it, because they just cannot understand. Ok, maybe don’t tell them that, but it really is a problem that is unique to our generation.

How much money are we really talking about here? And how do I manage to live while facing these astronomical numbers hanging over my head like a depressing dark cloud? As they do in my favorite show, The Bachelor, I’ll save that for next week, when I will reveal the actual total amount of money I owe in student loans, in the MOST DRAMATIC BLOG POST YET.

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