Pregnancy After Loss

A Day in the Life: Pregnancy After Loss Edition

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This blog is a weird one, it’s stream of consciousness, and it’s a true window into my mind. There was nothing special about this particular day, this was just one of many, many days. As I wrote this, I realized the amount of times I have anxious thoughts. Spoiler alert: it’s a lot.

I think this may be an interesting read for those who have never experienced pregnancy after loss (“PAL”), and for those of you who have, it may sound extremely familiar. I wish I could say that this was a more anxious day than normal, but it wasn’t. It was just a day like every other, of which there are many. All in a row.

I have been finding myself so incredibly exhausted lately, but it’s not always physical exhaustion, as much as mental exhaustion. After reading through my own thoughts, I know why. Being pregnant after loss is all-consuming. Literally every normal thought is followed by a catastrophic one. Every reassuring thing seems to disappear into thin air mere moments after. It’s a never-ending thought spiral, and it is tiring. If you have been wondering why I’ve been absent (from get-togethers, social media, group chats), it’s because I am BUSY. In my own head.

8 am:

Lucky me, another day alive. Ready for 16 hours of anxiety.

First things first:

“Chris, do you think our baby is dead?”

“Um no? Why would you say that?”

“I dunno, because it’s my first thought every day when I wake up.”

Let me check my Fitbit app, did I sleep alright? Yes! Only 3 times awake to pee, and 4 nightmares that I was in the hospital. Not bad. Resting heartrate looks normal, maybe my blood pressure will also be normal. Let me not get my hopes up.

8:20 am:

Time to take my blood pressure. How long will it take me to get calm this morning? Maybe I can trick myself into thinking I’m still asleep. I probably shouldn’t have brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. Ok, deep breaths. Nope, that makes it worse. Shallow breaths. Why do I feel like I’m on a run? Let me check my Fitbit. My HR is already up 20 bpm from resting. I will just sit here quietly some more and hope it goes down.

Phew, worst part of the morning down. Now time for vitamins, meds, and injection. How long is too long to hold the ice pack on my stomach? The bruising hasn’t been too bad lately. Does that mean the blood thinners aren’t working? How do I know if they’re working? Yesterday I had a nose bleed and I thought that was a good sign but “the bruises aren’t bruising” as Gen Z would say. Why can’t I be happy about not having too many bruises?

9 am:

Work time. This should be a good distraction. I have two meetings in a row, great distraction. Easy: Don’t think about being pregnant. Thank goodness for Zoom, I can wear stretchy pants that don’t push into my minimal stomach bruises and no one can tell. I don’t look pregnant on Zoom! Great!

Wait, is my face puffy? Face puffiness is a sign of pre-eclampsia. I don’t have pre-eclampsia, I literally took my blood pressure 10 minutes ago. I am fine.

What is this person on the meeting even saying? Right, right, they want to switch jobs because they can’t afford to live there with their two kids. Two LIVING kids. Sigh. I won’t bring up my dead one, but it sure does cost less! I mean, the therapy is expensive but…

Alright, meeting 2. I will stay focused. I will not think about how maybe my baby is dead inside me right now. Oh, they want to launch a project in the new fiscal year in July! That’s fine. Well, maybe I’ll be on maternity leave. They don’t know that, but I do. But then again maybe I won’t be on leave if the baby is dead. Should I tell them about this baby? No, I haven’t seen him alive on a scan in 3 weeks, that would be presumptuous. Good chance he died since then. And last time I said something to my coworkers about Maliyah, she was dead 3 weeks later. I can’t jinx it. I will just pretend I will definitely be working in July.

12 pm:

Gym break. I need to get out of my head. I need someone to tell me what to do for an hour. I need to move my body and get out of my mind. This is good! I can still run relatively well. I need to keep my eye on my HR though. My nephrologist says no more than 140bpm. But my MFM says I can do anything so long as I can keep up conversation and breathe regularly. Maybe I’ll compromise at 165 but only in short bursts. Ok, 3 minute push pace. If I start at my base, I probably can increase as I go, but if I start in a push, it’ll be harder to bring my HR down if I need to. Will running too hard for 30 seconds suffocate my baby? I don’t think so, but I also can’t be sure.

I don’t think anyone can tell I’m pregnant, they probably just think I’m lazy. As soon as I hit orange zone I start taking my speed down. This is fine, I feel good. The gym was a good idea. I wonder how many exercises I’ll have to modify when we start lifting weights. Will anyone know why I’m switching exercises? I hope no one says anything. I am still non-pregnant passing I think… no one would dare say anything would they? I need to stop thinking, it’s bringing up my heart rate and everyone can see on the screen.

2 pm:

One more meeting and it’s by phone. This is good. No dissecting whether my face looks pregnant or pre-eclamptic.

3 pm:

How many emails can I get through before the end of the day? Wait, is that the baby kicking? Yes! It is. He’s alive. I think. I’m pretty sure. Only alive babies do that right? Let me do a quick Google. I thought I had some pain under my rib but I don’t think that’s “upper right quadrant” pain, even though it’s technically in my URQ. I am probably just dehydrated. And my blood pressure was perfectly normal this morning! It’s not that. It’s not that. It’s not that. Back to emails.

6 pm:

Work over, no more distractions. I could watch tv. I still haven’t finished the Mindy Project. But they’re all OBGYNs. Hard pass. Maybe I’ll go to sleep early. Not that I can ever manage to do that, but maybe tonight is my night. First, dinner. What do I want to eat? Nothing really. What does the baby want to eat? Who even knows if he’s still alive. No, he IS alive. I felt him 3 hours ago. My baby is alive. My baby is alive. Everything is fine.

“Chris, do you think our baby is ok?”

“Um yes, why wouldn’t he be?”

“I dunno, just checking.”

“One day at a time.”

“I know, I know, it’s just… there are so many days.”

8 pm:

Support group! Yes! Other crazy people! All my feelings are normal. This is normal. PAL is hard. Everyone worries. REMEMBER THIS EMILY. The facilitator says I can always go into the hospital if I am worried. Even if I have “no reason” to be worried. I don’t know if I can bring myself to do that. But maybe I will. I have a nephrology appointment Thursday, it’s 2 blocks from the hospital… I haven’t seen our baby in 3 weeks, I could just hop over and get a quick look-see. No… that’s crazy. I felt him move today! BP was good this morning! I don’t want to waste anyone’s time…

9 pm:

Blood pressure and then evening meds. I can calm down. I will calm down. Everything is fine. BP was good this morning. Progressive muscle relaxation. Slowly melt into the couch. But don’t actually slouch. I need an accurate reading. Feet firmly planted on the ground. Back supported. Arm at heart level. Ugh my pulse is going up again I can feel it. Let me check my Fitbit. Yep, it’s up. Way up. Ok, I will sit here calmly for another 5 minutes and see if I can chill. Breathe regularly, but don’t think about breathing. Easy.

Phew normal! I don’t have to do this for another 12 hours. Maybe it’ll also be normal tomorrow. Better not get my hopes up though.

11:30 pm:

I will read in bed until I get tired. OMG he is moving again. HE’S ALIVE. Now maybe I can sleep. But I shouldn’t sleep on my back. Wait, no, maybe that’s an old wives’ tale. My last OB said any sleep is good sleep and my body will wake me or move me if necessary.

My body doesn’t know shit. It didn’t warn me of anything last time. I should probably try to sleep on my side. One day down. One day closer.

“Chris, want to say goodnight to our baby? I hope you’re in there!”

“I hope you stay in there!”

“I hope you’re healthy!”

“I hope you’re growing!”

“And I hope you don’t try to kill your mama.”

“We love you.”

(Written at: 22 weeks, 6 days)

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Miscellaneous

De-Stressing in a Stressful World

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This has been a hard week. And a tough month. Actually, it’s been a tough year since last November. I consider myself lucky that despite the fact that I know many people in Las Vegas, I didn’t personally know anyone at the Route 91 Harvest Festival. I am fortunate that despite my friends from all over the world, I don’t know anyone personally affected by the tragic hurricanes in the Caribbean. Despite living in New York, a virtual melting pot, I don’t know anyone by name who will be affected by the decision to repeal DACA. Despite being Jewish, I don’t know anyone who was in or around the white supremacist rally in Charlottesville. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t affected.

It’s not easy living in this world. As a human being who has feelings, empathy, sympathy, all the things that our leader seems to be lacking, it’s not easy to wake up every day in these times. Unfortunately, or fortunately, we still have to keep doing it. It often feels like there’s not much we can do, but there are little things. No, I’m not talking about posting on Facebook about sending “thoughts and prayers.” But there are some easy things, like VOTING (COME ON PEOPLE, REGISTER!), or using and texting resistbot to contact your local Senators (TEXT “RESIST” to 50409). Sometimes, though, you don’t even feel like doing anything. You just want to wallow in your sorrows. I totally get that. Unfort., your job probably won’t allow a lifetime of mental health days. And meanwhile, if things aren’t getting better, what can you do to de-stress, simply so you feel like you can get out of bed?

I put together a list of a few things I do to try and forget the world we live in temporarily, just to keep my sanity.

  • Watch nice things on the internet. When I go on twitter, it is a sh*tstorm of terribles. It’s so bad. It’s so depressing. So sometimes I just seek out heartwarming things to watch. If I liked animals, it would be puppies. But I don’t like animals, so it’s Ellen. She recently did an 8-minute montage of nice, amazing humans, doing nice, amazing things. I only cried 6 times at my desk. But they were happy tears! There are good people out there!! **hits replay**
  • Watch YouTube tutorials about hair braiding and do my hair and my coworkers’ hair. This may not be for everyone, but it’s therapeutic for me. Plus, it’s nice to see your work actually amount to something beautiful. I talked about me braiding my hair for races before, but I have taken my skills to new levels!

I learned this 5 strand braid, check out my first attempt!

  • Work out. I will say, my workouts have now taken on a life of their own. My stats at Peloton have skyrocketed. I have so much stress and anxiety, that the best way for me to take it out is on my body and on the bike. The participants in my spin classes may not appreciate this new power from within, but they are reaping the benefits as well 😉
  • Stay busy by finding fun, random things to do. The cheaper the better. I have been taking advantage of the random events New York has to offer. In the last few months, I have gone to a free Oktoberfest celebration, a free yoga class (also counts for my last bullet point), a $20 pumpkinfest, and a free bootcamp class on a roof deck. I have found that by forcing myself to keep busy, I can stay off of the internet and focus on uplifting things. I highly recommend grabbing a TimeOut NY if you live in New York to find events. Or follow FitForFree on Instagram; I’m going to a Bollywood class in 2 weeks! If you live outside New York, take advantage of Google! Use your internet time to search for offline things to do, instead of getting down the Twitter rabbit-hole-of-horribles.
  • Read. Uplifting things. Nothing heavy, just fun “beach reads.” Or even join a book club! P.S. I’m looking for a good one to join. Anyone out there? Bueller?
  • Go to the movies. Nothing takes your mind off of the here and now like escaping into a far away place. Or any place with a happy ending. Rom coms are the best for this. I know movies can be expensive, but there are ways around that. Join advancescreenings, like I mentioned in my first-ever blog post. Then you can even see movies before they come out! Or, join the AMC Stubs program. It’s $15 for the year, and they constantly have deals like right now, $5 ticket Tuesdays. Plus, you get points for even more rewards. And you can skip the line at the concession stand. Nothing takes your mind off of our current world like a handful of melted butter from popcorn. Which brings me to my next point.
  • Eat. Tina Fey caught a lot of backlash for her emotional eating/grassroots movement #SheetCaking.

And obesity isn’t always the answer. But there’s a time and a place for emotional eating, and sometimes a pint of Halo Top just hits the spot. Ok, two pints. If it makes you feel better, it’s #WorthIt. Everything in moderation. I’ve been to Halal Guys more in the past month than I choose to admit. I’m a #HalalVIP. I’ll stop with the hashtags now.

The whole point here is, do what makes you happy. Literally. In these times, I do not suggest that you sit back and do nothing, just the opposite. Volunteer if you can. Donate money. Donate blood. Get the word out. Speak up. But also, it’s important for your mental health to take a step back and smile every once in a while. And in the meantime, I’ll try and keep you entertained here. So subscribe!!

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