I hate SoulCycle. Hate is a strong word, but it is justified. When I say this to people, they often ask me why, to which I answer, “I could write a whole blog post about it.” Well, here you are.

Full Disclosure: I haven’t been to SoulCycle in a year, so some of these things may have changed, but I highly doubt it.

So why write about it now? I keep seeing the trailer for the movie I Feel Pretty where she falls and gets a concussion during SoulCycle, to which my first reaction was “they were clearly making her spin too fast while standing out of the saddle, which is why she fell. That should never happen.” But at SC it does. In fact, I’m not sure why SoulCycle has been promoting the movie on their own Instagram, given that the whole premise is that they let a participant do something incredibly unsafe on their watch.

Many things that shouldn’t happen, happen at SoulCycle. Here are just a few of the things that shouldn’t happen in a spin class. Not ironically, they are also the reasons I hate SC.

The Music.

Music is the main reason I like group fitness. I love working out while jamming to some great hip hop or singing along to the newest pop. It’s great to have the music blasting with the freedom of not wearing headphones. But at SoulCycle, you’ll never find yourself jamming or singing along. That’s because they only use remixes. Almost exclusively. I once talked to a friend who taught SC (no, I didn’t excommunicate him because he worked there), and he told me they encourage the instructors to use remixes and other obscure versions found on the cloud to give participants an experience they couldn’t replicate on their own. But what’s the fun in listening to a remix I don’t know?? Just when I’m about to jam to the chorus of I Wanna Dance With Somebody, there’s some techno bridge. No thank you. Give me the original any day.

The Bikes.

Guys, I teach for a YMCA. The bikes at my non-profit institution should not be drastically better than the ones where you pay $35/class for the privilege to ride on them. But they are. At the Y, our bikes are on lease, so we get a new version every 12-18 months. At SoulCycle, they just replaced the bikes last year (2017) for the FIRST TIME since they were founded in 2006. 11 years. That is mind-boggling to me. How they were selling 11-year-old technology at $35/class while Peloton has literal ipads and live-streaming on their bikes for less, is baffling. Especially in an age where the bubble of niche fitness is finally popping, and studios are reducing their prices, I couldn’t believe people would pay for that crap. The bikes made a lot of noise and the ride was the opposite of smooth.

Tapbacks.

These are dumb. The end.

Weights.

This has become customary in almost all niche cycling studios, but I still hate it. According to a Business Insider piece about why someone stopped going to SC (I guess I’m not alone!), a writer said SC got “a failing grade for exercise physiology and biomechanics” and that “the whole idea of working one’s upper body while pedaling a stationary bike is not only counterproductive,” he wrote, “it can be physically detrimental over time, according to several experts I talked to.” And from the same article, Jennifer Sage, a master-spinning instructor with a degree in exercise science wrote, “You’re probably going to burn less calories because your power output is going to drop.” I agree wholeheartedly. If you want to lift weights, go to a BodyPump class or to OrangeTheory where there is a dedicated section for weights.

The Color and the Smell.

I know you’re already thinking, “Wow this girl really hates this place. She has something to say about the smell?” But the smell is a thing. In fact, SC loves to open their doors to street and you can smell that grapefruit from a block away. It’s like Subway. Both the gross smell permeating from the subway TRAINS and the crazy bread smell permeating from the Subway SANDWICH spot. SC literally makes their own candle. Although I’m not sure who the hell would want to bottle that and put it in their home.

And the YELLOW. So. Much. Yellow.

The Heat.

It’s hot in there. Way. Too. Hot. They cram 65 bikes in a tiny room, and then they hold 45-minute classes back to back to back all day long. If you dare to go to an 8 pm class, that means there have already been 200+ people sweating in that room in the past 3 hours. Picture a locker room that is only 200 square feet, and then imagine 300 people working out in it. And sweating on each other. BARF. It does get you sweaty, I’ll give you that. But is the whole point of a fitness class just to sweat? I could do that in the sauna!

THE SPEED.

They spin too fast. Plain and simple. I see SC instructors going 150 RPM EASILY in the saddle, or 140 when they are standing. One of the many things I like about Peloton (here I go again…) is that they advise never to go above 120 RPM. This is a safe speed for a sprint, while still maintaining some resistance on the bike. 150 v. 120 is a grave difference.

The Standing.

Why are you out of the saddle for 70-80% percent of the class? It’s a bike. You sit on the seat. You only stand to get more power, like if you are trying to get up the last part of a huge hill. Spinning was created to mimic outdoor rides, to help cyclists train on the off-season. Granted, a lot has changed since then, and people now ride in SC every week but have never set butt on an outdoor bike. And also, I understand there are some drills we now do in fitness classes that you’d never see outside (switchbacks and jumps, anyone?) But standing for 70% of a 45-minute class? Come on. Also, you can’t spin as fast as they say, while you’re standing, and keep a safe body position. In order to achieve the speed they want you to have, you need to have very little resistance on, as I said above. Add the fact that you’re standing and you’re setting yourself up for injury. Or a fall like in I Feel Pretty.

The Vibe.

SoulCycle thinks they are a yoga class. But they’re a spin class. They can’t decide though. One song you are sprinting at 140 RPM standing out of the saddle, and the next moment you are in the saddle, closing your eyes, because “this song is for you to focus on your inner strength.” Excuse me? I’m not closing my damn eyes in a spin class except to prevent sweat from getting in my contact lenses. According to their website, it’s “so much more than just a workout — it’s a powerful mind-body experience.” GTFO.

In my first SC class, when an instructor told us some bizarre saying like, “Breathe into what’s burning right now. Your body will adjust to this pain,” I literally laughed out loud. It was not received well. SC is a cult, you know. I was almost ritually killed by grapefruit-candle torture.

I didn’t realize this was a normal thing in SoulCycle. There are many articles online dedicated to “motivational” sayings from SC. Don’t get me wrong, I say motivational things in my own classes, but it’s more in the style of Robin Arzon from Peloton, “New Day, New Slay.”

Those DAMN CANDLES.

I know what you’re thinking. Candles? I thought we were talking about spinning! Well, there are candles. Two of them on either side of the instructor’s bike on the podium. WHY!?!??? Really though, why? This is not a séance. There is no Ouiji board here. We are not communing with the Gods here. We are sweating on each other in a too-hot room with not enough air conditioning.

But no, SOULCycle thinks that the addition of candles is necessary for our spiritual community. GTFO of here with that. At the end of class, about 3 songs from the end, the instructor moves the candles from the podium, and puts them in front of the first row. At my first SC class, I was in the front row (kill me), and the only thing I could think of was, “OMG I hope my sweat doesn’t drip off my face and onto this candle to put it out.” So of course I did what anyone would do, and adjusted my posture to a full standing position (we were out of the saddle again… OF COURSE), and put extra pressure on my knees and lower back, just to avoid sweating the candle out. I do not recommend this, but I was nervous! How embarrassing if the candle went out.

The only good thing about the candles is, 2 songs from the end, they blow the candles out, which creates a sulfur dioxide smell, which covers the disgusting sweat and locker room smell that permeates the room at this point in class. It’s like lighting a match to cover poop smells. It works. But only because the smell of burned candle wick covers the even worse smell of sweaty hot humidity.

I wish I could wrap up this blog by explaining why people still go to this class. There are 21 studios in the 5 boroughs alone. But I can’t explain it. I don’t get it! Feel free to try it out yourself and let me know what you think. But be prepared for a hot, non-productive 45-minutes, at a pretty-penny cost.