I am here to bring you the heartbreaking news that I have faced my worst disappointment of the year. All of my Thanksgiving hopes and dreams, stolen from me at the last moment. If you haven’t guessed it yet, you probably haven’t been following my blog for a full year. If you have been following me from the beginning, you know that the ultimate event of the year is THE Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I’ve watched it every year of my life, near or far, and the last two years, I was lucky enough to be in it.
Don’t believe I’ve written about it before? Here are some examples:
This year was going to be EXTRA special though, because I was supposed to be in it WITH MY SISTER. We are both Macy’s Parade FANATICS. Caps intentional. She was in the Parade’s 90th year in 2016! I was there in the grand stand watching and shouting her name, of course.
And this was going to be our year!! We were elated. A good friend of mine had a connection and got us in as float escorts. Did I mention I’d also have a friend in my group? First time ever to participate with people I knew! So many exclamation marks!! And now… nothing.
Let me rewind a bit. Of course, with Covid-19 still raging, I knew this Parade would be like no other Parade before it. We were invited to participate in early October, so we already knew there would be huge precautions including no real route or spectators, pre-recorded sections, all local participants, mandatory Covid testing and face covering… it was going to be a whole thing. But I was still excited. Can you imagine me telling my kids I was such a Parade Junkie that I marched in the one that was in the middle of a global health pandemic? I could. In fact, I did imagine it. Every day.
We’ve all had our share of disappointment this year. I had a lot of plans that were canceled. A trip to see my brother. A work trip to a military base in South Carolina. A trip to Copenhagen with my mom and brother. A trip to AUSTRALIA. I had plans to go to 15 new fitness studios in NYC and to see the NYC Ballet finally perform the Nutcracker. All of those hopes were dashed. Since March, I’ve tried to keep my expectations excruciatingly low for the year. My only hope now is to not get sick and not find out the winner of Great British Bakeoff by reading their darn Twitter spoilers.
But the Parade… I thought it was actually going to happen. Last week, we got our assignments emailed to us and I was going to be a Float Escort on the NY Life Float. I had set aside time in my work schedule to get my mandatory Covid test two days before the Parade. My 5:30 am alarm was set. And then I got the email.
Long explanation that says SORRY NOT SORRY.
Emial from the Executive Producer that was a day late, and I predict due to social media blowback.
F.M.L.
SORRY NO DICE. The email basically said they had to cut down participants even more, sorry. And they said our participation would be deferred to next year. However, I don’t believe that part for a few reasons I won’t go in to, but suffice it to say, that has not been the case in other scenarios. And to make matters worse, I can’t even WATCH the Parade! There are absolutely no spectators allowed. So despite the fact that I live on the Parade route, and that I was literally going to be in the Parade last week, now I will be watching it on TV alone at home and crying.
Which is a great segue for the next blog I’ll be releasing this week, one I have been meaning to write for 7 years: best places to cry in NYC. We’ll all be needing it this holiday season.
I have absolutely zero plans for Thanksgiving, but if you do, I hope you plan on celebrating safely and with members of your immediate household. Hopefully, I’ll be back next year with a more festive blog.
For now, here are some old photos through the years of Parade-watching. Check the captions for the years.
1990 in the Grand Stand, My baby bro is in that bundle of blankets.
2009, my bro and sis
2009, my sis and me
2012, calling my brother on the phone in Israel!
2010 with my friend Lauren
2016 with Charlotte, in line to get into the grand stand
2016 in the grand stand!
2018, with my sis, in the year between her parade appearance and mine!
I’ve peaked. There’s nowhere to go but down. I have achieved my life goal at age 31 and it’s only downhill from here. Why get engaged? Why get married? Why have kids? I already have enough Facebook likes for the entirety of my life. I was in the Macy’s Parade.
There is only one reason to set the alarm for 4:30 am on a day where you don’t have work, and that’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I should revise that last sentence. I didn’t have to work at my typical 9-5, but I did have a very important job to do: Clowning Around! As you may have read two weeks ago in my equally-as-thrilled blog post, I was a Viking Clown in the parade. If you are still wondering how I got the gig, check out my last blog post.
I know that what you really want to know are my stream of consciousness thoughts during the best day of my life, so you’re in luck. Here we go:
4:30 am:My alarm went off. I proceeded to be very confused because it was 100% dark out and my emoji-bf was still fast asleep. He is ALWAYS up before me. But like a normal hum
an, he was sleeping in on his day off. I am not a normal human. When I finally realized why my alarm had gone off, I rocketed out of bed to get ready. IT WAS PARADE DAY!!!
4:32 am: I brushed my teeth while scrolling through my phone furiously. I successfully went to bed at 11:30 pm the night before the parade (a full 5 hours of sleep!). While I slept, my phone started to blow up with good luck wishes by text, Instagram DM and Facebook comments. Obviously, I had posted about the parade before I went to sleep, and everyone wanted a piece of the action. Duh.
4:34 am:I attempted to write people back via text message, and then remembered it was still before 5 am and thought better of it.
4:36 am: I contemplated making eggs for breakfast, but instead ate half of a chicken cutlet from the fridge (no time for microwaving!), and I definitely did NOT drink any coffee or water. Remember this for later.
4:40 am: I began layering. I wore 5 layers. A sports bra (a lot of walking was to be done!), a long sleeved thermal shirt, another long-sleeved shirt, a down running vest, and another down vest. And that was just on top. I also wore multiple layers on my legs. And my feet. Then I started to pack my stuff in my pockets. ID necessary to get into the costuming hotel, a granola bar in case my half of a cold chicken cutlet wouldn’t cut it (spoiler alert: granola bar was needed), 4 sets of hand warmers, and of course a portable cell phone charger and cord. So many photos to take!
5:05 am: (yes, it took me 25 minutes to put on clothes) I tried to go to the bathroom for the 5th time. I lamented forgetting to buy Depends because even with no coffee or water, I knew I would probably have to pee.
5:10 am: I walked to the subway. It was much colder than I thought it would be. Just kidding, it was just as cold as I knew it would be. 16 degrees. Woah.
5:45 am: I arrived at the New Yorker Hotel, where I saw a HUGE line of people wrapped around the entrance. I got in line, thinking I would definitely freeze before I even got my makeup on. I tried to chat with the people around me. The guy behind me in line was the Elf on a Shelf. I tried to find him later on TV but all I saw was the balloon. You think he *WAS* the balloon???
5:50 am:A guy came to try and warm up the crowd. A fluffer, of sorts. He asked us if we were excited. Then he told us all to take our lassos out and wave them around our heads to show our excitement. Then he said, “Knock Knock” Us: “Who’s there?” Him: “Yah” Us: “Yah-hoo!” He got all of us. With our lassos in the air. It did make us laugh and warm us up a bit.
5:52 am: A guy asked for anyone with a 5:45 call time and took us to the front of the line and into the hotel! Yay! Warmth! We scanned our tickets and I followed signs to the clown staging area. There were balloon handlers, banner holders, etc, and they each had different areas.
5:55 am – 6:25 am: I put on my costume. Yes, this took 30 minutes. AGAIN. Each type of clown had a helper to explain which costume pieces went where. This was not as self-explanatory as you may have thought. There were an additional 3 layers that were somehow supposed to go over the 5 layers I was already wearing. There were leggings to go over my 3 pairs of pants, and then fur-leg-warmers that had to go on top of those. I took my shoes off and put them back on 3 times because I kept forgetting parts. If you think it’s difficult getting up off the floor, try doing it in 7 layers of clothes. It’s no small feat. After I finally was completely dressed with my wig cap on, and with promises that my makeup artist would be able to help me fit my ear warmers under my wig so they wouldn’t show (and so I wouldn’t freeze), I went on to the makeup line.
My costume! Check out that golden corset contraption. It came in handy to hold things.
So many clowns getting ready!
I was pretty glad I didn’t have to wear a block.
Fairies getting fairied.
Completed fairy!
More costume racks. This is a huge production.
NYC Tourist Clowns in line for makeup!
Keg clown?
6:30 am:MAKEUP! This was incredible. There were rows and rows of makeup artists, with number paddles like in line at Trader Joes. My makeup artist told me she had been doing makeup for the Parade for 22 years! She said, “I live for this day.” And I was like “ME TOO GURL.” We were a match made in heaven. She told me that each clown used to have different makeup, which was more fun and creative for her, but now it was streamlined and all of the clowns had the same makeup. Then she asked if I wanted to do my own eye makeup after she asked if I had contact lenses (I do). I told her “NAH, I want the professional to do my makeup even if it means sacrificing my eyes forever.” She was hesitant but she did it. All was good, though. And she let me take a few selfies as we went along. Sure enough, she helped fit my ear muffs under my wig-hat, and then I was off to the buses!
In line for makeup, wig cap and all.
Makeup room! Check out the rows of artists.
My personal makeup artist, who was totally down for selfies.
OHHH we’re halfway thereeee.
Completed product! Let’s have a parade.
6:45 am:We boarded the buses waiting outside for us and started uptown. I was surprised the streets weren’t closed, we were just traveling with normal traffic uptown. Thankfully there is very little traffic at 6:50 am on Thanksgiving morning, and we made it up to 80th street by 7 am. While I was on the bus, my sister texted me that she was bundled up and on her way to watch the parade with my brother! Thankfully, they were running a little late (7 am is LATE to get a good spot) so the timing was perfect for me to meet them at my bus stop! We took 3 minutes to chat and take photos, and then they went on their way to find a spot. Thankfully, again, since it was 16 degrees (maybe not “thankfully”), there were less people out early to watch, so my siblings got a GREAT spot!
Exodus of clown to the buses.
Sibling Selfie at the bus!
Who is the cutest one? Who is wearing the most layers?
6:55 am: I made my way to “Clown Corner #1” which is where I was supposed to meet my other clown comrades. Along the way, I took photos of some balloon handlers getting in formation and having team meetings. Also, SO MANY PEOPLE wanted a photo of me – balloon handlers, police officers, even other clowns! The Viking costume was definitely the most involved of the costumes. I mean, I had a massive golden boob corset, yarn braids and a shield. Come on.
This guy wanted a photo of me, so I made him take one with me!
I found the breakfast clowns on the corner.
Selfies with Stars.
My only other clown comrade with braids!
Ronald McDonald Balloon Handlers getting ready!
Viking Group!
Do we look scary?
Clown Corner Photoshoot!
7-9 am:We waited. And tried to stay warm. Things I did to try and stay warm:
Run in place. Thankfully I was wearing sneakers. And 3 pairs of socks.
Use hand warmers. I had 2 in each of my gloves. I also put some in my golden corset. In hindsight, I wished I had put some in my shoes.
Stalked Al Roker. Really though. Every year, I scream to him about how much I love him. He usually returns these advances with a smile and a wave. This year I was very close to him when I declared my love for him. And I was in a Viking outfit. He did not return this advance with a smile and a wave. I think I scared poor Al. Why doesn’t he remember me!?
Went to the port-o-potty. It makes a person warm to try and take off and put back on 7 layers of clothes in a small space. This was probably the grossest part of the morning. I kept my shield and other accessories outside.
Took a lot of photos. A lot. And boomerangs.
9:00 am: THE PARADE BEGAN! I was in the 8th clown group, which was pretty close to the beginning. I was very excited about that at this point because I was starting to lose feeling in my toes. I did get a foot cramp while I waited, probably a result of my willful dehydration as preparation for no bathrooms. Luckily my foot uncramped just in time for me to scream and take a selfie with John Legend as his float traveled past us, and then it was go-time!
Stalking my BFF, Al.
Taking more photos, trying to stay warm.
PARADE BEGINS!! Check out those fireworks.
JOHN LEGEND!
Me and John Legend. Sorry Chrissy Teigen, but I think this face is cuter than yours. (Or scarier?)
9:20 am:“Viking Clowns, you can JOIN THE PARADE!” It was finally time. I clowned around like the best version of myself for more than an hour. I saw my brother and sister uptown around 75th street, and they took (terrible) photos of me, and I got to wave and scream Happy Thanksgiving to millions of people along the parade route. We were strategically positioned after the How to Train Your Dragon Toothless Dragon balloon, and the James Madison University marching band. This was amazing placement because the poor band played the entire parade! It gave us something to dance and sing along to as we spread Thanksgiving cheer to the crowds.
It was definitely cold, but as I ran and skipped and marched down the parade route, high-fiving everyone along the way, I started to get warm. VERY warm. Keep in mind, I was running miles while wearing 7 layers and a Viking hat/wig. At around mile 2, I gave my hand warmers to some very appreciative spectators. Then, I wiped the sweat off of my brow from under my Viking hat, being incredibly careful not to smudge my makeup. Spoiler alert: I definitely smudged my makeup.
There were a lot of Ohio State fans along the route because their band was in the parade as well, and as a diehard Florida Gator fan, I was not a huge fan of all of the red and white. I did see about 6 people along the route with Gator gear on, and I was sure to scream “GO GATORS” to them. It may be the first time they heard that from a Viking!
A longtime family friend was watching the parade and had let me know where she was standing, so I looked for her and she screamed to me and we found each other! We even took a selfie. I also saw my best friend’s extended family, and her cousin took the funniest video of me ever. You can see me just doin’ my clown thang in the background for seconds until the incessant screaming of my name made another Viking Clown motion for me to come over. It’s such a funny video because it does show me in my element.
Photos of me marching!
Me trying to grab confetti with a gloved hand. It took practice.
Still working on the confetti.
OMG MY SIBLINGS!!!
Selfie along the route followed by more running to catch up.
10:20 am: We reached 38th Street and came to a stop. Little known fact: There were no kids in the parade this year. I know you are all thinking I am lying because you saw them on TV, but the reality is, it was too cold. They didn’t allow the kids to be on the floats, and they loaded them on at 35th street for a 1-block ride through Herald Square! It was definitely a good decision but created a bit of a logistical nightmare for families in the parade whose parents went uptown while they left their kids down at 35th street.
Anyway, we waited while Macy’s staff collected our confetti plastic bags (no plastic on TV!) and we took our final handfuls of confetti to throw in fistfuls in our hands. (I also stuffed a handful into my golden corset. I made sure not to reach in there on TV LOL.)
Then, we waited just out of Herald Square while we listened to John Legend “sing” and it was finally our turn!! I made the career-ending mistake of interacting with the actual people in the stands, instead of going to the south side of the street to be on camera. Therefore, no matter what all of you amazing fa+ns may have thought, you did not actually see me on TV. Thankfully, my makeup artist did my makeup the exact same as every other makeup artist, so I looked eerily similar to the 2 seconds of Viking Clowns they actually showed. But no, it was not me. Sigh.
10:40 am: All of us Viking clown high-fived each other for a clown-job-well-done, and walked back to the New Yorker hotel to give back our costumes. We took an awesome photo in a deserted, closed-off street on the way, and posed with a few more spectators. Then most clowns went to the makeup-removal-room. BUT NOT THIS CLOWN. I wore that fantastic makeup all the way back home. And let me tell you, NOTHING phases a New Yorker. I didn’t get a single strange look.
WILL THERE BE A NEXT YEAR!? Will Al Roker recognize me, and my lifelong dream will happen TWICE IN ONE DAY?? Stay tuned, I’ll keep you posted.
I am quite possibly the most experienced Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade viewer that you will ever meet. I already told you about my long history with The Parade. As my Thanksgiving gift to you, I am sharing with you my ultimate guide of tips and tricks for watching the parade. I will do a separate guide for those in New York watching LIVE vs. people watching remotely. Although, let’s be honest, y’all should just come to NYC. It’s worth it.
LIVE VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:
DO attend the GREAT BALLOON BLOWUP the night before! It’s going on right now! 1-8 pm around the Natural History Museum.
DO dress in layers! This is self-explanatory. It’s cold AF and you’ll be standing still for a LONG time.
DO wear comfortable shoes. It’s a lot of hours. All standing.
DO go out drinking the night before. Then you’ll be dehydrated the next morning. Trust me, this will come in handy.
DO set 4 alarm clocks. Especially if you’re drinking the night before.
DO bring snacks. And breakfast. You’ll be hungry.
DO charge your phone and bring an extra charger. You’ll need it. Here’s why:
DO post incessantly on social media. Instagram and Snapchat needs to be jealous! Make sure the world knows that you live in the greatest city in the world and you only walked 10 blocks from your apartment to view the greatest parade on Earth.
DO call all members of your family from the parade route so they are jealous. One year, my brother was in Israel and he called us from ISRAEL so he could feel like he was part of the action.
DO try and find any of your friends or relatives who are walking in the parade.
DO scream their names like a crazy person until they see you and wave.
DO still make sure you record the broadcast at home!! If you view the parade in person, you miss all the talent acts that take place in Herald Square. You will need to watch it in its entirety later! Also, you’ll want to see the commercials. More on that later.
DO wave like a crazy person to your friend!
DO always take selfies!
DO call your brother in Israel!
DO bring many friends to watch with!
DO bundle up!
DO attend the Big Balloon Blowup!
DO wave like a crazy person to your sister!
DO CELEBRITY SPOT!
DON’T be afraid to push people out of the way.
DON’T be intimidated by children. Feel free to tell those 3-year-old bastard children that now is not the time to be on your dad’s shoulders. There are 30-year-olds who wanna see Santa too!
DON’T drink coffee in the morning. Porta Potties. Need I say more?
AT-HOME VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:
DO wake up with enough time to brush your teeth. I’d normally allow 10 minutes before 9 am.
DO watch the entire thing. Show performances from 9-10 am. Rockettes somewhere in the middle. Santa at the end!
DO have a printout of the lineup with you so you can check off acts as they perform, and so you know what’s coming up.
DO watch Miracle on 34th Street directly after the end of the parade! We did this every year when we lived in Florida. It’s basically just an extension of the parade.
DO watch the 1947 version or the colorized version of it. This may belong in the DON’Ts section below, but don’t watch the 1994 version with Mara Wilson. Unless you’re watching both. Then it’s ok.
DO download the Macy’s app! They have amazing features you can use even from home! Like transforming yourself into a Macy’s Elf.
I elf-ified myself!
Do you see the resemblance between the first photo and the elf behind me??
DON’T miss the beginning! You need to hear Amy Kule (the Executive Producer of the Parade) say “Let’s Have a Parade!”
DON’T fast-forward through the commercials! Many advertisers debut their best commercials of the holiday season during the Parade. There are always articles about how it’s a brand’s dream because everyone loves Thanksgiving. No conflicts of interest.
DON’T feel bad about tweeting constantly @macys #MacysParade even if you’re watching from home. Yes, I said this before. And I’ll say it again.
DON’T MISS SANTA! I already sorta said this above but, DUH.
And the most important:
DON’T MISS IT!!! According to the official website FAQ, “This once-a-year event is best watched live! Unfortunately, no reproductions of the broadcast are available for sale or distribution.”
Also, FYI, as much as I’d want to get proposed to during The Parade, it’s impossible. This is also covered in the FAQ. SEE YOU GUYS ON CENTRAL PARK WEST!!
