It has been EXACTLY one full year, to the day, since I posted by first entry on my blog (annual recap coming soon!). It’s finally time to tell you what my day job is. No, I do not teach fitness classes all day long, although it seems that way sometimes. In fact, all day long I help old people with technology. Yes, that’s right, all I do all the live-long day is sit at a desk for 9 hours and tell people how to reset their passwords and send emails. That is not technically my job description, but in reality, I spend 80% of my day doing this.

It seemed like a topical moment to bring up my career in light of the Mark Zuckerberg Congressional Hearings. Today is his second day before the Senate, and as CNN noted yesterday, he was saved from any and all hard-hitting questions due to one salient fact: old people just don’t get Facebook.

One poignant moment:

Senator: “How do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your service?”

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads.”

Awk-ward.

We all know the feeling. We’ve seen grandparents post private messages as Facebook statuses, not realizing the world would see it. Or we’ve seen parents try to check in with their kids by posting on their Facebook wall. Esurance even made an infamous commercial about old people not understanding Facebook, and that was 3 years ago! In the commercial, a (slightly less) old person tells the older person, “That’s not how it works! That’s not how any of this works!”

I wasn’t the least bit surprised by the lack of understanding by Congress. After all, this is what I do all day. Am I exaggerating? I WISH.

Let me begin with a quick story about my mom. No offense. When I was growing up, I think I showed her how to insert, save to, and eject, a floppy disk 10+ times. I was in middle school. At the time, I couldn’t believe her ineptitude. I say to my younger self now, “you were the idiot, your mom is a tech genius.” Compared to other old people, that is.

And it’s true. My mom is great with technology now. She texts, she sends photos, she emails from her phone, she even knows how to post on Facebook from her phone. My dad recently got a new iphone from work and now he’s on Instagram. He is constantly showing up as “people you may know” for my friends. But that’s an entirely different problem.

I didn’t realize how great my parents were at technology until I realized how strikingly BAD other people are in comparison. Everything is relative.

Quick REAL story from my job. An old member of our organization called, lamenting that his password didn’t work. He said it was probably because “he was using an ipad” (!!). Of course. We get this call at least 10 times a day, and every time, it’s always our fault that they forgot their password. Or that our website “doesn’t work on a phone.” That is not a thing, by the way.

Anyway, this time, a newer coworker who fielded the call asked him if he could “send her a screenshot.” This is a normal request for a millennial. We all know how to press “print screen,” and send the photo in an email. But 80-year-olds do not understand this concept. However, the 80-year old agreed to send one. The whole office waited anxiously to see what we were going to receive. Was it going to be a hand-drawn sketch? Would he send it in the actual snail mail? Would it come through the fax machine? Does our fax machine even work? So many questions.

Approximately 10 minutes later, my coworker received an email with a photo attached. We were elated. Did he figure it out? Was it possible? Spoiler alert: it was not. He sent a thumbnail photo, with terrible resolution, probably taken from a Nokia flip phone, of a screen. You could ALMOST make out that it was an iPad, but you definitely could not see what was on the screen. Which, of course, was the entire point.

Now imagine trying to explain videoconferencing to the type of person who doesn’t understand a screenshot. It’s an adventure. Once you have finally explained to them that they need to have a camera on their computer, and that the screen itself does not just “see them,” you still need to explain the intricacies. Example taken verbatim from my Facebook status on September 2, 2016:

80-year-old: “I don’t see you! Do you see me? I only see a gray picture of a human. Not a real human.”

Me: “Yes I see you, I don’t have my camera on. I’ll invite my coworker so you can see him.”

80-y-o: “I SEE YOU! Wait, no, it’s a man. A very HANDSOME man but you SOUND like a young lady.”

Me: “Yes, I am still the gray picture of a human. Still don’t have a camera. That is my coworker.”

80-y-o: “Oh thank goodness, ok. I thought I needed new glasses.”

Another quick work story: Yesterday, another coworker asked for a member’s electronic signature. The member was baffled. What is an electronic signature? The coworker explained it is a photo of a signature, to be used in electronic documents, so it appears as if it was signed. The member explained that he works in such a small community, that he just signs everything by hand. Endearing. The world before the internet. Remember the days? Not really.

One more story from work. This one requires a bit of back-story. I work in a semi-open space. There are a few desks in my office “pod,” but one is behind a door that is usually open, and another in behind a cubicle wall. We often talk to each other on gchat, so we can speak to each other without making a sound. This especially comes in handy when we are on the phone. This week, I had a phone call where I was attempting to explain the process of registering to post a job on our website. This is a semi-difficult task for the technologically challenged (aka anyone over the age of 40), so I am used to explaining the process in a slow and clear fashion. This specific guy was really not getting it. All of a sudden, a gchat shows up from a coworker, “who are you speaking to? Are they deaf? Or 80 years old?” I guess I was being very slow. And loud. Oops.

Yet another story from work: We have a member who calls every week. He has no idea what his password is. In our office, we have a stock reset password we use. Let’s call it “123Abc.” This man calls once a week, without fail, and every time it’s because he “forgot his password” or his password “doesn’t work.” Meanwhile, every single member of our staff knows that his password is always “123Abc,” because he doesn’t know how to reset it from our stock password. And yet, every week like clockwork, he calls and asks us to reset his password, and every week we remind him what it is, and tell him we reset it, when really we know it is still the same from last time. Maybe he just likes talking to us.

I do think sometimes that these people call the office only because they are lonely, which is sad. Maybe my mom only calls me under the ruse that her weather widget “disappeared from her home screen of her cell phone,” when she really just misses me. Either way, I’m happy to chat with her and help her reinstall her apps. Every time I read an article, or see someone on TV talk about how millennials are “incompetent” or “not self-sufficient,” I will produce as evidence, this blog. It may be that I can’t change a tire. But I can gchat, video-conference, write a blog, post on Instagram, stream Netflix, AND scroll through twitter simultaneously. And I’m pretty darn good at explaining all of those things to 80-year-olds, as well. Maybe someday when I need to change my tire, there will be an elderly gentleman there to help me and return the favor.