Well guys, another year older, another day added onto my hangovers. Yes, I am now up to a 3-day massive headache hangover that tends to accompany severe dehydration and aching 31-year-old bones. My birthday was last Tuesday, which means I’m almost through with this hangover… until the weekend. I am now officially “in my thirties” and not just “30,” so I feel like I am qualified, in my old age, to impart some of my wisdom about my fellow 30-somethings. What have we learned in these 31 years? Besides to chug 4 glasses of water before bed and limit the sugar in our cocktails? A lot of things. And we know more than older generations give us credit for. (This is another list post, I apologize in advance.)

• People in their 30’s don’t like being called Millennials. But also we acknowledge that we sort of are. “Millennials” are those crazy people out there who are somehow old enough to drink but were also BORN IN THE 90’S. WHAT!?
• A lot of 30-somethings don’t know how to change a tire. But hey, you know why that doesn’t matter? Because none of us have cars because we can’t afford them because we have student loans! Oh, and also because no one buys a car nowadays anyway. Also because there’s this nifty thing called google that can tell you how to change a tire. And Youtube where they can show you a video about how to. And all of this can be found on the internet, which can be accessed from a mini computer called a phone that we have in our pockets at ALL TIMES. So the baby boomers can stop with this “change a tire” argument, like, now.
• Us 30-somethings know that privacy is a thing of the past. Older people watched the Mark Zuckerberg Congressional Hearings and were absolutely STUNNED that Facebook could have and use your information. Us 30-somethings understand that it is just the way of the world and there’s nothing we can do about it. Google knows my coordinates at all time. Amazon knows every time I need to re-order laundry detergent. CVS knows when I buy blonde hair dye for the summer. Instagram knows when I mentioned Mexico in a conversation with my friend. (Ok, I admit, that one was a bit creepy.) I’m not saying that us 30-somethings think this is OK, I’m just saying we can cope with the reality of our world.
• Separate but related, we understand privacy settings. Yes, this blog is public and the whole world wide web can read my thoughts, but you can bet your bippy that my Facebook is on STRICT lockdown. I would like to be employed far into the future. And no, I do not accept Facebook friends who I do not know. Why would I do that? And yes, my dad is on Restricted. He knows this. So are my boyfriend’s friends! I can’t have them spreading photos of him with his emoji-face all uncovered!! This is the biggest thing that older generation humans should ask for help about. It is far too easy to stalk a majority of people, because they do not understand privacy settings.
• 30-somethings understand that the key to getting everything done is efficiency and convenience. That means that if it can’t be delivered (and returned), why bother? Amazon is KING and everything worth having can be purchased from your phone. Yes, the physical act of shopping can be fun every once and a while, (plus good cardio! More on exercise later…) but this is a whole event. It takes time – time we don’t have because we are busy working to pay off our student loans. And busy traveling.
• 30-somethings understand that the world is a huge, vast place, and that we only have one life to live. As we say (or said) YOLO. Therefore, we like to travel. And no, Daddy, it is not a “waste of money.” Older people don’t understand that travel is actually a better way to spend money than having children at 24. It creates experiences, the only thing that cannot be purchased on Amazon. Also, it creates content for our social media. If I don’t post on Instagram about Spain, how will it know to advertise ham to me? Rhetorical question. Of course it knows.
• 30-somethings do NOT understand that a wedding is a celebration of your love for one other human, and the legally-binding contract, tying you together for life. No, they do not understand this. Somehow along the way of our 30-some-odd lives, it was decided that a wedding is actually a way to bankrupt your friends, force them to travel to places they did not want to go, multiple times for multiple events, force them to wear unflattering clothing, force them to buy you multiple presents, all for the promise of an open bar. (And to those of you without open bars… shame on you.)
• 30-somethings understand that music will only get worse. Yes, I am the curmudgeon old person, but I will stand by this statement for life: Boy Bands do not get better than *Nsync, BSB AND 98 Degrees. No, One Direction is not comparable. And old people, I guess I can agree that the Beatles had something going on but… still got nothing on Tearin’ Up My Heart.
• 30-somethings understand that obesity is an epidemic. And even though understanding this has not stopped us from being complete gluttons, we also understand calories, food groups, good carbs, bad carbs, good fats, bad fats, etc., far more than any generation before us. Also, we understand the draw of fitness. The 30-somethings are leading the charge into fitness as a fun outlet, and not just as a 30-minute workout video for women-only, in leg warmers. But also, we understand that a restaurant that ONLY serves fried potatoes with 20 different dipping sauces has the possibility of being wildly profitable, because YOLO.

Speaking of wildly profitable, we are still waiting our turn to make money. I know I am not alone in saying that the “dream” or paying off student debt, owning a home, and feeling financially comfortable enough to have a child… it’s a long way off. Even at 31. But hey, #YOLO. It’s easy to forget about student loans when you’re galivanting around Europe. When I am done celebrating my birthday, I’ll have to tell you all about my travels in Spain. But before that, next week is my 5-year graduation-iversary. I can guarantee you another scathing report on the blog about why you should avoid law school at all costs. 5 years later, still singing the same song. Until next time!