Miscellaneous

Mystery Date Night

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My boyfriend has many pitfalls, the main one, of course, being that he has an emoji for a face. But recently he has been KILLING the date-game, and I must give credit where credit is due. You may remember less than a month ago, when he surprised me with 4th row tickets to see The Book of Mormon in preparation for our trip to Utah. TBH, I didn’t think he could beat that.

He has asked me early last week for a “date night” on Friday. Color me impressed. That was already a huge improvement. Pre-planning a date? Allowing me more than 3 days’ notice to put it in my always-full social calendar? I was excited.

Friday morning, he texted me while I was at work and said, “I checked your calendar. You don’t have anything tomorrow morning, right?” That’s right, ladies and gents, we share Google calendars. We are the COOLEST couple of all time. But honestly, I don’t know what we would do if we didn’t; I have too many things going on! Luckily, I had nothing going on the next day, since the UF Football game was canceled due to Hurricane Irma.

Anyway, my interest was piqued. A date that requires no plans the next morning? Were we going on a trip? We don’t have a car! Were we going out super late? Sleep No More? He knows I get scared way too easily for that shiz.

I got home from work and he told me to pack a bag. SO EXCITING. I packed an outfit, a gator outfit for the next day (it doesn’t matter if they aren’t playing, #InAllKindsOfWeather), a swimsuit (you never know) and some makeup. Then we headed out to our chariot (aka our Via, SIGN UP WITH MY CODE emily5s6e for $10 off!) and he still kept it a mystery as we headed downtown. I cheated a little by looking on the Via’s GPS, but all I cleaned from my snooping was that we were going super far downtown.

We arrived at the Hilton Millennium hotel just as the sun was setting. My emoji-bf has many great qualities, one big one being he is a Hilton Honors Gold member, so we got the highest room available, on the 48th floor. The room was overlooking the Freedom Tower, the 9/11 Memorial reflecting pool, and the Oculus. I’d argue there is no better view within Manhattan. The best view of Manhattan is from New Jersey, but really, WHO GOES THERE!? The view of the Freedom Tower could not have been more timely, the weekend before 9/11. 16 years later and I still have so many feelings.

We settled into our room in the third-best Hilton Hotel in Manhattan, and checked out the room service menu. How do I know it was the third-best? Because emoji-man was very upset when he looked it up and found out. Turns out the Waldorf Astoria is #1 and The Conrad is #2, in case these things matter to you.

Anyway, the emoji-BF decided on this mystery date because of an Amex offer (more on his and my credit card churning another day), which said that if you spend $300 at a Hilton Hotel, you get $350 back. FREE MONEY! MY FAVORITE KIND! We needed to figure out a way to spend $40 more to get the offer, so we perused the room service menu for items to “fit the bill,” literally. Unfortunately, this is NYC and room service, a lethal combination. Nothing on the menu was that cheap. So we started looking for other options.

We decided to dine at Osteria della Pace, a southern Italian restaurant inside Eataly. The food was delicious and I had a glass of no. 139 dry rose cider, which was sort of like a sparkling rose champagne. Yum! What is one of the worst things that can happen while dining downtown within one of the World Trade Center buildings? OH YEAH. THE ALARM CAN START GOING OFF. And sure enough, it did. In the middle of appetizers, the lights started strobing and an announcement started. I’ve never seen New Yorkers shut up so quickly in my life. It was quieter than a subway at 5 am when everyone is still asleep. The only problem was, no one could understand the announcement! It was static-y and the guy speaking had a very strong accent. After about 30 seconds of heart-pounding panic, we heard one word, “disregard,” and there was a collective huge sigh of relief. Besides that, dinner was DELISH.

We decided to stop at the newly-opened Oculus on the way back to the hotel, since we had never been there before. We actually had no idea what it was, besides that it looked like an exoskeleton of an ENORMOUS animal. And that is cost a sh*tton of money to build (first budgeted at $2 billion, but rose to $3.9 billion by the end). We entered, and I was immediately dizzy. It’s crazy-looking! In between fighting people for a space to take a selfie – this is a V popular place for selfies, go figure – we realized it was a train station. It connects the NJ Path to the NYC subway. As I said before, I clearly never go to NJ since I did not know this. It smells there. Ok, it smells in NYC, too. But I digress.

After our selfie, we went back to the hotel where we watched parts of 3 different movies on 3 different HBO channels. Remember life before HBO Now and Netflix? Where you had to tune into a movie in the middle? Those were rough times. Anyway, we also ordered a bottle of wine to reach our $300 minimum. The bottle was $45 (we are SO fancy), but with the extra added fees, it was $62. Those hotels are fee-machines. Oh well. We didn’t even open it, but we sure felt fancy getting it to our room! If anyone wants to come over to our apartment to share, no guarantees on quality.

We went to sleep and planned to wake up to swim in the pool. Unfortunately, the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, i.e. we overslept. We packed our bags up and headed down to the checkout.

After following my Snapchat/Instagram story and seeing the hotel view, no less than three of my friends texted me asking if I was getting engaged. To set everyone straight, I definitely did not get engaged. But I DID have an awesome night with my emoji-faced boyfriend. And for the record, mister, you have officially set the bar incredibly high if you ever do plan to “pull out all the stops” in the future. WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE. I sure hope you have another Amex Offer in the pipeline! In maybe a year. Or maybe more. 😉

Morning view of the majestic Freedom Tower.
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Big City Living

New Yorkers and the Side Hustle

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New York is filled with interesting people. Master of None did an episode in Season 2 called “New York, I Love You” where it explored the lives of the people we pass in our everyday lives: the taxi drivers, the guys who sell you your breakfast sandwich at the bodega, the doormen. But the reason I find New Yorkers fascinating is because even the people you see in their normal jobs, they all have a side hustle. I consider myself the Queen of the Side Hustle. I deserve a crown. For a while, I was even taking surveys online just to get free Starbucks gift cards. Most recently I joined Influenster in the hope that they send me free products. Hopefully I’ll start instagramming them soon.

New York is a tough place to live; the average price of a one bedroom apartment is $2,700/month, $3,000 if you only look at Manhattan. One job just won’t cut it. The New York Post recently wrote about it, as did CNN. CNN reported that over 44 million Americans have side hustles. Roughly the same amount of Americans who have student debt. I wonder if that’s a coincidence. But this multiple-jobs-just-to-keep-a-roof-over-our-heads lifestyle is what makes us all interesting. And multi-faceted. And tired. But that’s for another post.

Here are a few things I know people do as side hustles: uber driving, waitressing, bartending, lululemon educating, blogging. Oh, and of course group fitness. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people who do all of these things full-time. But it’s more likely that people cobble together multiple things to make a living. Waitress/Actor. Or is it Actor/Waitress? Does it make a difference?

Even the people who don’t think they have a side hustle often have one, but they call it a “hobby,” like investing. As far as I’m concerned, if you spend a few hours a week on it, follow finance blogs, have a special tweet deck for finance, and it makes you some mulah, it’s a hustle. Cough Cough Emoji BF Cough Cough.

One of my coworkers who just started at my full-time job kept one shift a week at her old job, bartending at a bar/restaurant/karaoke spot. She only works on Friday nights, but the extra cash she gets pays for her expenses for the week. Plus, it can be fun to meet people at your side hustle! People whose paths you probably wouldn’t otherwise cross. It’s fun for me too, because I can visit her and sing karaoke to my heart’s desire. It’s always helpful to know a bartender in New York. The problem is, she also works at our full-time spot on Fridays. That means her work day is basically 9 am to 4 am, 7:30 am to 5 am if you include the commute. WOAH. In what other city is working 22 hours normal? But I can’t judge, I do it too!

For a while, I was flipping clothes. I know you’re thinking that is ridiculous, but there is a HUGE second market. I would go to SoulCycle sample sales every time they happened, and I would go as soon as they dropped prices a second time. I would scoop up ANYTHING lululemon brand (they had other brands, too, but ew), and then I would sell it on apps like Poshmark (SIGN UP WITH MY CODE JLDNQ for $5 off!) and Mercari (SIGN UP WITH MY CODE FDXTKW for $10 OFF)! as “NWT” or, New With Tags. I turned hundreds of dollars in profit! It took time to take the photos, post them, monitor the listings and re-post them to my followers. And of course it took time to pack and ship them, but it was worth it!

Another side hustle of mine: retail. Two years ago, I worked at lululemon for a holiday season. I won’t lie, I did it first and foremost for the discount. Also, I liked the company and its goals. (Read: I drank the luxtreme koolaid.) When I had my interview with the manager, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this, and made sure I would have some semblance of a work-life balance. She only let me work Fridays after my other job and Sundays, insisting I took Saturday off. Most other companies wouldn’t give a sh*t about your “balance” from another job, but I did appreciate having that one day to myself every week. In fact, working at lululemon was one of the highlights of my past few years. As I’m sure you know, I have a passion for fitness, and it was fun to just chat about workout clothes and new niche studios with customers (also have some of my classes comped!) and get paid for it! My Fridays often went from 8 am to 10 pm, but I found myself looking forward to it. Having a side hustle is a good way to get out of the daily 9-5 grind and to keep yourself on your toes.

My main side hustle is being a fitness instructor. I’ve had that side hustle fitness job for 11 years and counting, through undergrad, “unemployment,” law school, lawyering, and now, my #JewJob. When I started, it was my only job, on the side of being a full-time student, but it was fun to have extra cash in my pocket, and it was also fun to see people at the bars who recognized me from my classes. I felt like I was semi-famous. In NYC, I get paid 3 times what I was paid to teach in Florida. Granted, my rent is more than three times as high. Also, since February, the YMCAs of Greater New York centralized their subbing system online so I can pick up classes at gyms throughout the five boroughs. If I need some extra cash, I pick up an extra class! Who am I kidding, I ALWAYS need extra cash (did you see my ongoing series about my student loans?!) and I am always looking for an extra workout. I pick up every class my body and schedule allows! The best thing about this particular side hustle is that it also good for my health. That’s a win-win. Until I sprain my ankle again.

Do any of you guys have a side hustle you enjoy? Can I join it? A penny saved is a penny earned is a penny saved. Or something like that.

 

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Fitness

CPXperience at Sky

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Friday night I died 5 times. But here I am, risen from the dead, very sore, and here to tell the tale.

Backstory: I heard about a gym called Ripped from Well and Good (review coming at another time), and at the class last Tuesday, the trainer, Courtney Paul, plugged this “super fun fitness event” he was hosting on Friday. He said the venue would be “bougie AF” and there would be “lots of hot guys there.” I was intrigued. Then he said it was FREE. My favorite price. So I RSVPed. But then I got terrified and so I invited 10 of my closest fitness buddies to come with me, and out of 10, one said yes. Shout out to Mary, my ride or die. Mostly die.

This event was a collaboration of Life Time Athletic at Sky, with Courtney’s special fitness baby called CPX. As he asks on his website, “are you ready for the CPXperience?” Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was. But his Instagram made it seem like it was going to be cool, there was a post-workout pool party, and I was interested in seeing the outside, all-turf space, 11 stories above ground. Plus, it was a breezy 70 degrees so I couldn’t even use the weather as an excuse. Oh, and did I mention it was FREE? I did.

But still, I was intimidated. Courtney was featured on the Bravo show Work Out New York, and he can sometimes be fun and playful, (lots of sexual innuendo), but can sometimes be f*cking terrifying, screaming at you to get your treadmill to 9.0 MPH for the sprint or he will do it for you. Luckily there were going to be no treadmills on Friday night, so I felt a little bit more at ease going into it.

A little about the workout: CPX is an “ultimate fusion of body conditioning with a circuit flare.” He says on Instagram that it is meant to “redefine HITT.” HITT is usually used in the military as “high intensity tactical training,” and I’m not sure if he really meant HIIT, or “high intensity interval training,” but either way, it was definitely high intensity. His workout (and he) has been featured in a lot of articles and magazines, you can see some links here on his website.

I arrived at Sky, where I went in a revolving door to a bougie AF lobby (he was not exaggerating). I had to sign a waiver on an iPad, check in, and receive my wristband. I felt so official. Mary and I took the elevator to the 11th floor, where we were some of the last to arrive, as usual. We grabbed mats and resistance bands, Mary got a complimentary energy drink, and we set our mats at the very back of the AstroTurf in the corner. I would ballpark about 80 people there. Not too shabby. The music started bumping and we started squatting. A lot of Courtney screaming in the microphone to keep our weight in our heels, and what seemed like 3 hours later, we moved away from legs, and on to abs. I think in reality, it was only 10 minutes. For the next 25 minutes we did squats, lunges, plank walkouts, butterfly kicks, crunches, etc., then we grabbed our resistance band for upper body toning. We did 10 minutes of bicep curls, upright rows, tricep kickbacks, partner rows in squats, etc. Finally, I thought we were getting a break. Joke was on me. We dispersed to the areas surrounding the turf where they had various benches and couches. They were not for sitting, though. They were for tricep dips, step-ups, and squats. For some reason this was my favorite part. Maybe because I just like being in proximity to seats.

We capped off the workout with some partner patty-cake planks, and partner core exercises. Check out my boomerang! Clearly staged, since I am smiling. I am a wuss and I probably stopped and didn’t do 10% of the workout. But to be fair, every time I looked around, there were always a few people taking breaks. That’s the nature of an interval class. Work as hard as you possibly can, then take a break when you absolutely must. I woke up the next day with a lot of different, obscure muscles aching, so I would say it was a success, even if I only did 90% of the workout. Ok, 85%.

Anyway, the workout was over just as the sun was setting, the apartment building/gym lit up, and we proceeded to the pool for the after-party. I had packed a swimsuit just in case, but it was a little too cold to hop in. The pools had an amazing view of the Empire State Building, PLUS they had one of those massive blow-up swan/flamingo floaties. (Check out Courtney flailing around on his Instagram after I left, LOL) I was very tempted to go in. Oh, AND they were hosting the 2017 Ultimate Hoops National Tournament. BALLIN’! It turned out this was a fancy-type bougie club. Too bad I was in spandex, with no makeup and covered in sweat. Also, the drinks were $16/piece. We stuck around for a bit for some Class A people-watching, saw some people (bball players?) getting interviewed on the step and repeat, then we took a photo of ourselves, duh, and found a place with more reasonably priced cocktails (read: cheap margaritas).

Overall, it was a successful FREE night of fitness in beautiful weather, and Calvin, the Studio Manager at Life Time Athletic gave us a free pass to try another one of their classes. I will definitely be taking him up on that! Go check out Courtney Paul’s CPXperience if you wanna get your butt kicked.

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Big City Living

NYC Date Night

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Saturday I went on the most epic NYC Date Night. Spoiler alert, Broadway was involved. This is my first blog post where I actually rave about living in New York, so get excited.

Back Story: My bf told me I am not allowed to write about him on this blog (hence why I always cover his face with an emoji), so I won’t give much detail about the back story. But, suffice it to say, I had not spent any meaningful amount of time with him in weeks, unless you count hours of sleep, and I told him he owed me a date night. If you don’t say what you want, how will you get it, AMIRITE? My emoji-bf’s idea of a date night is almost always the same: dinner at a restaurant where the cheapest aperitif rings in at approximately $25 and you are expected to have a glass of wine to pair with each course. Now don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a good meal every once in a while, but I’m more likely to appreciate a dinner at the Meatball Shop, where I can go Balls to the Wall and still end up with a total bill of $20. I simply told my emoji-love-of-my-life that a fancy dinner would not do for date night, and I wanted to do a “fun activity.” I was thinking mini golf. Maybe bowling.

But no, he ended up surprising me with tickets to Book of Mormon on Broadway, and a dinner afterward! With 4th row orchestra seats. It was amazing.

If you are an avid longlegsbigcity reader, you know by now that I complain about New York more often than I rave about it (disgusting hot summers, terrible rainy days, smelly, non-air-conditioned subways, mystery slush lagoons in the winter). But I must say, Saturday was a day where I was incredibly thankful to live in the city that never sleeps.

Here is a rundown of the day that made me fall in love with NYC again:

Morning: I taught a spin class in my neighborhood, meaning, 30 blocks away. It was hot so I hopped on the subway (free with my unlimited Metrocard) and for once, the train came on time. I got there in 10 minutes. I made $50 and got my workout in. I picked up my new spin shoes on the way home, at the bicycle store that is conveniently located on the same street where I live.

Afternoon: I did 4 loads of laundry while I tanned on my rooftop. I am one of the lucky New Yorkers with both laundry in the building AND a rooftop for tanning. More on the #RooftopDweller Lifestyle later this week.

Later Afternoon: I asked Emoji-BF what I was supposed to wear for later, since he had told me he had planned a surprise date. He said “semi nice” which is not a thing. So I asked him more specifically and he said “we are going to see a show.” Keep in mind, he had never been to a Broadway show before, so I wasn’t sure if he meant show like, comedy club, or what. I showered and put on a sundress, and we walked to my sister’s house to hang out. Did I mention my sister and her husband live 11 blocks from me? It took us 10 minutes to get there by foot. Another great advantage of NYC.

Evening: E-BF (“emoji boyfriend”) called a Via and the two of us got down to midtown for $5.95 total. (Use my code to sign up for Via, and you can get super cheap rides too!! Use the code emily5s6e to get $10 free!) Anyway, we got to midtown and he handed me a ticket for Book of Mormon. I was ecstatic. Not only had I wanted to see that show for years, but we are going to Utah in 10 days! Perfect time to brush up on my Mormo-trivia. Not a typo, I call them Mormos.

Anyway, we entered the theater and the ushers told us to proceed down the aisle to the “front section usher.” What?! OUR TICKETS WERE IN THE FOURTH ROW. Guys, these seats were amazing. It turns out that there were 3 seats together, and they were still available that morning because you are not allowed to book 2 seats together on Ticketmaster when only 3 are available. However, E-BF tricked the system. He reserved (but didn’t purchase) one ticket, which holds it for up to 8 minutes, and doing so opened the other 2 up for purchase. Then he opened another browser window to purchase. BAM. I date him because he is so stinkin’ smart.

The show was absolutely AMAZING. Probably one of my favorites I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot. In order of most recent to least recent: Fiddler on the Roof, Porgy and Bess, Jersey Boys, Chicago, Aida, Riverdance, Bring in Da Noise Bring in Da Funk, Miss Saigon, Phantom of the Opera, and possibly more that I don’t remember. Anyway, HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend The Book of Mormon. I was laughing out loud within 1 minute of the curtain rising. I was smiling the whole time. My face literally hurt by the end. And the songs were so catchy, I have been listening to it on Spotify ever since. More importantly, I feel completely prepared for Utah.

Minor spoiler alert if you know absolutely nothing about Book of Mormon. The main characters, Mormon missionaries, get stationed in Uganda for their mission. This was a tiny bit awkward since my boyfriend is of African heritage. They make fun of African issues in a very satirical way, but it goes on for quite some time. Aids, people who think they can have sex with virgins to get rid of their Aids, dysentery, war lords, etc. I think E-Bf was a pretty good sport, but there were a few times I was worried to look over at him. He was born in New Jersey though, so I thought I was pretty safe. Maybe less safe at Jersey Boys.

When the show ended around 10:25, we were hungry and guess what, it is NYC so every single restaurant was still open. We went to Dutch Fred’s for dinner, one of E-BF’s fav spots. Then we took another $5.95 Via home.

What a successful NYC day/night. In what other city can you just decide on a whim at 11 am that you are going to buy tickets to a world-class production for that current day and take a 10 minute, $6 car there? Sometimes it’s really cool to live here.

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Big City Living, Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Sick and the City

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I apologize for not blogging much recently, but it’s because I am SICK! I have been sick 6 times since January. For those of you counting, that is almost once a month. I know I complain about New York as the worst place to live, and sometimes I am exaggerating, but when you’re sick, it REALLY is the worst place.

Let’s start with the obvious: tissues. How do you carry them? I used to keep a box in my car, but obviously that is not an option. You know we have all had days where grabbing 3 or 4 individual tissues is just not going to cut it, but carrying around an entire box on the subway seems excessive. Or is it? I’ve taken to carrying a roll of very super soft toilet paper. Always triple-ply. It’s more totable, it’s cheaper, AND there’s a lot of paper on there.

Which brings me to my next point – what do you do with this plethora of tissues once used? It’s not like a trash can is available on every subway car. Do you stuff them in your bag to make all your other things gross, and then hope you remember to trash them when you exit the train? Do you hold them in your hand until you get off? First of all, ew. Second of all, you need that hand to hold on to the subway pole! Come to think of it, maybe this is why I’m getting sick all the time. All of these gross New Yorkers’ tissue hands on the poles. I have seen old ladies only touch the pole with tissues, but again, this seems excessive. Also, I’ve probably used up all my tissues by that point. Then again, those old ladies with medical masks, holding on to the pole with a tissue every day aren’t the ones snotting all over the place every month (how’s THAT visual?) Maybe they’re on to something.

Phase two of sickness: major coughing. This presents another problem in New York. Namely, everyone assumes you have The Plague, yet there’s absolutely nothing you can do about standing in extremely close proximity to people at all times. Taking the subway to the doctor, waiting in line for matzah ball soup (the Jewish penicillin), there’s no getting away. I remember being sick back during the Ebola epidemic. I coughed once in the subway, and the subway car cleared out as if it had no AC. I had the whole thing to myself! There’s the silver lining. People run from you.

But the worst part of being sick in New York by far is just getting around. You know those days when your muscles are failing you and it feels like you just did CrossFit but really all you did was roll out of bed to the bathroom? Well imagine having that feeling but still having to walk 7 blocks to the subway, then do multiple flights of stairs. WOOF.

Here’s hoping I get better soon. Long Legs Sick City signing off. I will now go buy stock in Kleenex. Or Charmin. And I’ll leave you with my favorite poem of all time, Sick, by Shel Silverstein.

“I cannot go to school today,”

Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

“I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,

I’m going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,

I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox

And there’s one more—that’s seventeen,

And don’t you think my face looks green?

My leg is cut—my eyes are blue—

It might be instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,

I’m sure that my left leg is broke—

My hip hurts when I move my chin,

My belly button’s caving in,

My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,

My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.

My nose is cold, my toes are numb.

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,

I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,

My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There is a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is—what?

What’s that? What’s that you say?

You say today is. . .Saturday?

G’bye, I’m going out to play!”

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Big City Living

Dante’s Inferno Subway Car

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20 days into summer and it officially happened to me. The most dreaded thing for all New Yorkers. And yet the most inevitable as well. No, I do not mean finding a roach in your apartment (inevitable). Or a mariachi band on your commute home after a 14-hour day (also inevitable). This is arguably worse than both: an un-air conditioned subway car.

You have heard the stories, and if you have ever lived through a summer in this steamy, garbage-stenched city, you have probably experienced it. This living horror story never happens when you are on your way home, minutes from a cold shower, or on your way to a pool where you can cool off (supposedly a few of these exist in Manhattan-proper; it’s like a unicorn). No, these 5-10 minutes of Dante’s Inferno hell ALWAYS happen on your way to work, or worse, on your way to an important business meeting or interview. This is Satan’s way of making sure that when you show up, you smell half like a homeless person, and half like rotting garbage, and your hair is plastered to your face to really accentuate your cheekbones and the mascara-tinged-sweat that is still slowly dripping down the sides of your previously well-made-up face. Am I exaggerating? Maybe slightly. But for the most part, no. This is by far one of the worst things that can happen to a New Yorker in the summer besides finding out your landlord is raising your rent 15% (this actually happened to me).

In the past, I have recounted several experiences in stream of consciousness, from my one and only half marathon, to my thoughts leading up to my first date with my emoji boyfriend. Dante’s Inferno Subway Car is one of those highly-relatable phenomena that lends itself to second-by-second analysis. Every second’s thoughts being mostly, “GET ME THE F*CK OUT OF HERE.” Read my thoughts below and let me know in the comments if you’ve ever had the same feelings.

  • “YES. Only 2 minutes until the next train. Maybe I’ll actually be on time.”
    • Note: You are ALWAYS running late when this happens, it’s like Newton’s 4th Law
  • “Empty car? This is too good to be true.”
    • Note: It’s ALWAYS too good to be true.
  • *doors open* “Hmm, the air coming out seems warm, is it warm?” *walks in car*
  • *doors close* “OMG I HAVE ENTERED THE GATES OF HELL. SOMEBODY HELP ME.”
  • “I have 3 stops, can I make it all the way there in this steam room of rotting human flesh?”
  • *looks around* “There are at least 10 other people in here that are managing. I can do this.”
  • “I CANNOT DO THIS. HOW ARE THESE 10 PEOPLE DOING THIS?!”
  • “3 stops to go, though, is it worth switching cars?”
  • “I’m switching cars at the next stop.”
  • *peeps through window to next car, sees it’s completely full*
  • “Ok maybe it’s actually better in here with all of my room! It’s hot, but at least no one else is in here.”
  • *legs slide down seat because of sweat between them* “It’s not better. Still 2 stops to go? I gotta get out of here.”
  • *train stops between stations* “You’ve got to be kidding me. Am I being Punk’d?”
  • *looks around, sees no cameras, sees a lot of other miserable people* “Why is no one else sweating as much as me?”
  • “Do you think they would notice if I wiped my face with my shirt?”
  • *wipes face with shirt* “SHIT I forgot I was wearing foundation. Now my makeup AND my shirt are ruined.”
  • “Who even cares, no one will be able to see past the fact that I look like I casually popped in a pool on my way here.”
  • “Remember that time when I blow-dried my hair this morning? LOL”
  • “Well at least I remembered waterproof mascara today. Was my eyeliner waterproof?”
  • “They should really advertise this specific situation in makeup commercials.”
  • “No, they shouldn’t. No one would buy a product with anyone in the commercial looking like how I look right now.”
  • “I know my parents constantly remind me that subways never had AC back in their day, but ‘their day’ was BEFORE GLOBAL WARMING WAS A THING.”
  • “What if I actually die in here? How long does it take to die from heat?”
  • “Ok, I’d probably faint first. That might be more comfortable than consciousness.”
  • “Is it possible to make oneself faint?”
  • “Then I’d definitely be late, though. But it would be a great excuse.”
  • *doors open* “One stop to go, switching cars!” *runs faster than I have in years of going to run club*
  • “OMG I never thought I’d get to heaven and yet here I am.”
  • “Are wet t-shirt contests still a thing? Because I think I’m #Winning”
  • “Does this count as my workout for the day? I think I sweat more in the past 7 minutes than I did in Spin class last night.”
  • “What are the chances I dry off before my destination? Probs slim to none.”

Well, there you have it. In all of its #sweatzilla, disgusting glory. Note to the tourists visiting NYC in the summer, BEWARE the empty subway car, don’t even bother trying to do your hair, and ALWAYS bring extra deodorant.

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Fitness

305 Fitness/305 FitnASS

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In the past week I have been to two dance-cardio classes, 305 Fitness and The Dance with Amanda Kloots, and I have never had more fun. In fact, after The Dance, the instructor came up to me and told me I was “cute” and she liked all of my smiles. I couldn’t help it, I had a blast! And when I was 2 beats behind, I was still having fun laughing at myself. I even went to one of the classes FOR FREE (SEE BELOW!) So what’s the difference and which one is for you? Check out my review below of 305 Fitness, and my review of The Dance coming later this week.

305 FitnASS

Metaphor: Zumba on crack. This place is all about fun, funk, sass, feminine positivity and CARDIO. Like woah. I left that class completely drenched and feeling all of the positive vibes. 305 Fitness, named for Miami’s area code (even though it was started in NYC) is all about Miami-inspired high-intensity rhythmic cardio with a LIVE DJ, sprint intervals, sculpting, and a stretch cooldown.

I’m not going to lie, I am a bit jaded about 305, because I have a rough history with them: Two years ago, after taking 3 classes and falling in love, I interviewed to be their studio manager. At the time, I had 9 years of experience in the fitness industry, management knowledge, I’m a girl, I’m sassy, AND I’m from South Florida (5-6-1, not 3-0-5, but close enough). I was sure I was a shoo-in. Sure enough, I had three interviews, culminating in a 2.5 hour meeting with a panel of three, including the founder, Sadie Kurzban, where they insisted it be in the middle of the day so I had to take a day off of work. Ultimately, they gave the job to someone else. That alone would not have put a bad taste in my mouth, but what happened after, did.

The Director of Operations called me, left a voicemail asking for me to call back so he could speak to me in person to “talk to me about the position at 305.” I thought I got the job! But no, instead, he told me that in exchange for my time interviewing, he would gift me 2 free classes, and he offered for me to join their “work-study team,” to work FOR FREE at their front desk in exchange for free classes. BOY, PLEASE!!! I actually waited a minute to see if he was kidding. Not only am I a licensed ATTORNEY IN TWO STATES, I already have a full-time job where they pay me, I also have a part-time job, working for a gym, where they PAY ME to teach classes AND I get all the free classes I want! This is New York City, the land of the hustle, not the land of indentured servitude. I am 10 years and 3 careers past accepting an unpaid internship. Needless to say, it left a bad taste in my mouth and I did not even take advantage of those free classes. In retrospect, if they weren’t paying their front-desk people ANYTHING, they probably couldn’t have paid me enough anyway.

Fast-forward 2 years, and I was ready to pop back into their new studio (they added one in midtown), where I would hopefully not be recognized. I figured I had talked enough sh*t throughout 2 years (maybe not enough, since I’m talking more sh*t here), and plus, I was in the mood to DANCE! Classes are $32 a piece, but you can get a 2 for 1 deal if you are new, OR you can get a completely free class, compliments of a lululemon collaboration, before August with the code: 305xlululemon17. I cannot turn down a free class, so I sucked up my pride, and became a “junkie” last Friday night.  They call their clients junkies because they “can’t get enough.”

Walking into the studio, I already knew I would have fun. The vibe was fun and flirty, hot pink and bright orange, and even their trash cans sported their tagline “Make Sweat Sexy.” The chandeliers were made of SmartWater Bottles, and they had shirts for purchase that said “Beyoncé Tubman Ruth and Steinem.” They also had a graphic tee that said “MY BITCH FACE NEVER RESTS.” Love that.

The class itself was an epic sweat-fest, as I said before. The first 30 minutes were straight jumping and dripping, with arms flailing, DJ spinning, and heart pumping. My instructor was Destiny, and she sort of seemed pissed off when we weren’t getting all of the moves, but maybe that’s just her RBF. She was an amazing dancer, and I was not taking myself too seriously, so I disregarded the look on her face. Also, she was sick so her voice was almost gone and it was difficult to hear her. Most of the moves were easy to follow with non-verbal cues and clapping, like in Zumba, and I definitely got a good workout, even if I missed a move or two.

After 30 minutes, we switched to 6 minutes of butt-toning with ankle weights (we chose the 305 FitnASS class), and then back to 20 more minutes of partner cardio, disco lines, and twerking across the floor, including a segment on our hands and knees. I think my face got a workout as well as my body, from laughing at myself so much. At one point, Destiny came over to me and we partner twerked, butt-on-butt, for a full 20 seconds. First, I was focusing on how my sweaty butt was probably getting her legs wet since she was in tiny, tiny booty shorts, but after I got over that, it was pretty fun.

Overall, it’s a great cardio-dance class, with a strong emphasis on cardio, and I highly recommend this class for anyone, dancer or not. Maybe not recommended if you have bad knees, since we were basically jumping for 45 minutes straight! I had a lot of fun, I got a great workout, and I was sore for two days. Should you work for them for free? Definitely not. Is one class worth $32? Probably not, but there isn’t much I would spend that money on. Is it worth a subway ride and a free class code? Absolutely yes.

Extra tip: I recommend bringing a friend so you can laugh with and make fun of each other, and so you have a built-in photographer to take twerking gifs of you in the black light. #MAKESWEATSEXY!

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Big City Living

Drinking in New York (while not breaking the bank)

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New York is the City that never sleeps. It’s also the city that never DRIVES. Which means we drink. A LOT. Going out with colleagues? Happy hour. Meeting some friends? Wine bar. First date? Lounge with drinks. College Football? Dive bar. Girls day Saturday? DRUNCH. REALLY have to pee and the closest Starbucks is 5 blocks away? Hop in a bar for a quick drink (and pit stop).

But how does one go out to drinks 4-5 nights a week when a single drink can cost $18? Especially someone who went to law school and does not use or think about her degree (except to calculate her debt on mint.com?) There are few ways to get cheap/free drinks, all of which I have taken advantage of over the years.

First, make friends with people who get work perks. My best friend happens to work in media, and I have taken her up on open bar invitations more times than I can count, and had more drinks than I can count (… literally, I could not count by the end of the night). If you are not in a field that has drink perks, find a friend that has them. I have seen the Knicks from box seats, the US Open with free-flowing sushi platters and champagne, attended a pre-party with a rented-out bar for the Sweet Sixteen… you absolutely MUST have friends with benefits. Alcoholic ones.

If this plan does not work, then you must always find the oldest man in the bar. This is a fool-proof plan for a girl, and probably does not work the same way for a guy, but feel free to try. Old men love to buy drinks for girls. I know this is very “Samantha” from Sex and the City, but I swear it’s true. They may ask for your number, but always just say, “How about I call YOU instead.” This past St. Patrick’s Day, I had a 70-year old man tell me I was his soul mate and add me on Instagram (privacy settings are key here). Meanwhile, my tab for the night was $10 and I barely remember the subway ride home. Although I am speaking about drinking in NYC, this plan works EVERYWHERE. When I lived in Florida, we used to have contests to see who could find the oldest man in the bar. (We also had contests for who could find the sweatiest man, but that was mostly for the photo opps. I digress).

Another fool-proof plan: drink specials. In Florida, “Ladies’ Night” meant girls drank for free. In New York, it’s rare to find a Ladies Night at all. There are so freaking many of us, why would they want us to come out in droves any more than we already do? But there are other specials to be had. I TRY not to go out during the week, but BOGO drinks on Tuesdays? Ok fine. You got me. Friday night $6 cosmos and pig in a blanket before 7? I’ll skip the apartment pregame for that.

Which brings me to my last, MOST important drinking necessity: THE PREGAME. Not just for college students anymore. What’s cheaper than having 10 drinks out? Having 6 drinks at home and 4 at the bar. It’s simple math. 5 glasses of wine while you do your hair and makeup is 5 less vodka sodas you need to ask Old McDonald for at the bar. So what’s the difference between a 21-year-old pregame and 31-year-old pregame? Nothing but the hangover.

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Food

30 Years, 30 Ice Creams, Finale and Summary

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#30Years30IceCreams has finally come to a close. 35 ice creams, 30 days. I feel like we have gone on a journey together. A really long journey. A photographic journey, an expensive journey, and least importantly, a caloric journey. Perhaps it seems long because it started in spring, and it is now blazing summer. Perhaps it seems long because I am now carrying an extra 10 pounds of weight on myself.

What will I do better next time? I will NEVER do this again.

What have I learned?

  • Sugar causes migraines in large doses.
  • Rolled Ice Cream is the hibachi of the ice cream world.
  • Chinatown has the coolest ice cream.
  • It IS possible to have 5 ice creams in one day if you use your phone-a-friend lifeline.
  • Ice cream photographs really, really well. I have lost 25 Instagram followers since I stopped posting it daily.

I wish I could tell you this is like the MasterCard slogan and that #30Years30IceCreams was priceless, but that would be a lie. I told you I was tracking my ice cream by using mint.com, my new obsession. I tagged all of my ice cream purchases, and I ended up with 19 separate transactions, and a grand total of $142.78 spent.  Again, this is where sharing came in handy. Instead of paying for each one, I traded off. Also, it helps that it was my birthday month. A few people bought ice cream for me as a present (shoutouts to Mary and my sister). This low amount of transactions is also thanks to The Scooper Bowl, where I paid $20 (plus 1.99 service fee) and got to have 7 ice cream brands, unlimited, for 5 hours. That’s just over $3/brand. Not too shabby.

I know what you really want to know is, which were my favorites!? My point system was eerily accurate *pats self on back*. I judged my ice cream in four categories: aesthetic, flavor, texture, and overall. You can find my full ratings here on this google sheet. If you order the 35 places by total points, my top five, in order, were: Brooklyn Farmacy, Taiyaki, Blossom, Carvel, and Wu Kong.

Brooklyn Farmacy sundaes were out of this world. I highly highly recommend going there if you ever find yourself on the other side of the East River. Also, make sure to bring a sharing buddy. They are HUGE. Taiyaki tasted amazing, included a waffle cone, AND it makes for the BEST photos. Pro tip: Always get your nails done first to match the sprinkles. Blossom had the creamy taste you can only get from freshly rolled ice cream, PLUS it had unlimited toppings and lavender-infused flavor. Carvel had to get a high ranking; it had my hashtag #30Years30IceCreams written on it and it was the biggest! Wu Kong… I mean… Look at it. It’s a work of art.

Honorable Mentions go to #6 Sam’s Fried Ice Cream, and #8, Softswerve. In fact, if you are looking for a good-old, no-frills, DELICIOUS soft serve, my #1 choice would be SoftSwerve. It was so creamy. I’d actually go back there soon. That’s saying a lot considering the amount of ice cream I have consumed.

Overall, this has been a great experience, but I do not recommend it to anyone. I still have 8 places left on my map to visit: Amorino, Ice & Vice, Kith Treats, Mikey Likes It, Milk Bar, Milk & Cream Bar, Minus Celsius and Neuhaus. If anyone wants to accompany me, you’ll probably have to wait until next summer. Or my next life. JK I’ll probably be there the next time temperatures hit 100 degrees. Which is likely to be soon, because, New York. I hope you’ve enjoyed my journey more than I have! I still have some homemade ice cream and Carvel Cake in my freezer, so come on over. And if you have any questions about ice creams, I’m your girl.

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Big City Living

Tips For NYC Living

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Living in New York for almost 7 years, I would not consider myself a native or an expert at all (I still have NO IDEA where the J train even goes… does anyone take that train?). However, I have picked up some very useful tidbits along the way. You can use them if you live in NYC, or you can use them if you’re visiting and you don’t want to be automatically targeted as a tourist by a panhandler.

  • BEWARE THE EMPTY SUBWAY CAR. This is not a drill. As with everything in this city, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I once didn’t see anyone in a car and when I got in, I realized I was in the apartment of a man. I swear I think he had a full kitchen with a Bunsen burner in there. TBH, I was a little jealous of his low/nonexistent rent payments. Main problem, of course, is that he didn’t have a shower. You get it.
    • Sidenote: Even if the subway car IS 100% empty, you’ll probably just spend the whole ride waiting for the anyone else to get on, and wondering if you’ll be the next person “ripped from the headlines” for Law and Order SVU. Rule of thumb: just avoid the empty cars.
  • BEWARE THE FULL SUBWAY CAR. Especially in the summer. I know I sound like a hypocrite here, but is a happy medium too much to ask for? Trust me, loose hair, sweaty bodies, arms in the air… It’s all just a bad combination. If the next train is coming in 3 minutes, do yourself a favor and wait.
  • If you see a young person standing in the middle of the sidewalk in a pinnie holding an Ipad, CROSS THE STREET. I don’t care if it’s for the ASPCA, and they asked you if have “30 seconds for the animals” and if you LOVE animals. It never takes 30 seconds. NEVER. You’ll probably end up $10 poorer with 5 emails/week from change.org. Just put in those earbuds, and avoid eye contact.
  • Speaking of earbuds, never leave home without them. There’s nothing that calls out “TOURIST” more than a person without earbuds. Why are you taking in the sights and sounds? The sights: dirty. The sounds: loud. There, now you know. And I saved you 10 minutes shooing away hecklers asking you to go to a “free” comedy show.
  • Free stuff abounds. I know what you’re thinking, how can there be free stuff in the most expensive city in the USA? Well here’s how: you pay for it in time. Last week there was free ice cream at Ben & Jerrys… for anyone who was willing to wait on a line that was 2 avenues long. Free movies? That too. Free tickets to shows? That too. But be prepared to wait. If there’s one thing New Yorkers love to do, it’s queue. And get something for free.
  • Mystery-depth slush lagoons in the winter. There are many articles in the Gothamist about this particular near-death phenomenon. Invest in some rain boots, unless you love sitting at work for 10 hours in soaking wet, freezing, gray/black pants.
  • Garbage day in the summer. AVOID AVOID AVOID. You know those gas masks you see people wearing in China because of the smog? I’ve considered investing in one. Yes, it’s that bad.
  • City juice. You know when you’re walking down the street and something wet hits your shoulder. And you think, “Hm, I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today” and then you look up and there isn’t a cloud in the sky… and then you think “maybe it was from a window AC unit,” but there aren’t any of those either… My advice: pretend it didn’t happen. Then, when you get home, take a nice, long shower.
  • Shoes. Nothing makes you stand out more in NYC than shoes you can’t walk in. New York is one of the only places you will see people walk around in fashionable clothes and comfy kicks. You really can’t afford not to. How else will you wade through the slush lagoons and trash piles?

Feel free to leave any other advice in the comments. Like I said, I’m still learning so if you have any pro-tips (like how to avoid sweating through your clothes before you get to the office in August), let me know.

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