marriage – LongLegsBigCity

The Honeymoon Phase

September 2, 2022 No Comments

Well guys, we got married. I guess that means we are now in the “honeymoon phase.” However, we have been together nearly 7.5 years so I think that era is long-gone (sorry, babe).

Good news is, getting married did give us a great excuse to take a vacation! And I know what you’re thinking, wasn’t your wedding in Cabo? Wasn’t that vacation enough?? And the answer is clearly “no.” Cabo was gorgeous and we had the most amazing time with family and friends, but we wanted time to hang out with each other and relax, and a wedding is not that.

When choosing where to go on a honeymoon, I was thinking of far-flung, once-in-a-lifetime places. Like Africa. Or the Maldives. But my husband, Mr. Finance, wanted a place that was in a relatively similar time zone in case he needed to check emails, and preferably with a nonstop flight since the flight delays and cancellations this summer have been terrible. Also, we planned to go in August so we had to think about hurricane season, and try to avoid it. Since we went to Aruba last summer, we decided to go to Curacao, its slightly larger next-door neighbor. The ABC (Aruba-Bonaire-Curacao) islands are below the hurricane belt, and JetBlue flies there direct 3 times per week!

The best part about a honeymoon is the feeling that you can splurge. And yes, I probably should have started this blog with an acknowledgment of our privilege but, yeah, we were not thinking about money at all during our trip. That said, things are not too expensive, so we didn’t spend a crazy amount. We did upgrade to EVEN MORE SPACE seats, though. BALLIN!

We decided not to stay at an all-inclusive resort. There are certainly pros and cons to both, but not having food included in the price opened up our budget to try new restaurants, new neighborhoods, and to be honest, it meant I drank a lot less! There’s this feeling at an all-inclusive that you need to eat and drink your money’s worth. At a regular hotel, there was all-day availability of drinks, and when I wanted one, I got one! I had an Aperol spritz almost every evening while getting ready for dinner. That said, it felt less like a booze-fest because I was more thoughtful about getting drinks and there was no alcohol in the room. Another big advantage of no all-inclusive was that we felt we could be more flexible about when and where we ate. For example, after jet-skiing (more on that later), there was a little bar at the pier and we decided to stay and hang out and do happy hour there. Since the drinks weren’t included at our hotel, there was no feeling of having to get back to “take advantage.”

More about the hotel, since we didn’t stay at a crazy all-inclusive resort, we were able to book the BIGGEST suite in the entire hotel. It was wholly unnecessary for 2 people and we felt like king and queen of the resort. I even filmed an MTV cribs-style video of the whole thing, it took 3:15 to walk around!! We had 2 separate wrap-around balconies, two full bathrooms, a living room, a kitchen, a bar, a dining table, a soaking tub, it was MASSIVE. And it was $200 less per night than the cheapest all-inclusive.

Our suite had double doors, that’s how you know it was big.

It’s no secret that Chris and I like to vacation differently. That’s why you see me always going on vacation with my friends. My friends and I love to explore and do ALL the things. I usually come back from vacation and feel like I need another immediately. Chris, on the other hand, likes to take vacation to RELAX. As in, he likes to stay in the room. In bed. Hang out. Watch tv. Be on his laptop. The good news is, we’ve been together a long time so we know this about each other. I tried to be respectful of his ideal vacation when I was looking at activities for our honeymoon. I tried to think of our top 3 activities we were both interested in doing, and then mixed in days between where we relaxed. Extra perk – I got a great tan reading on the beach and I finished two books! I also spent a lot of time on Alabama Rushtok. Typical honeymoon, amirite?

Last summer when Chris and I went to Aruba, we went on an ATV tour and had a blast. This year, we wanted to do something similarly adventurous, but a little different so we decided to jet ski. To be completely honest, it was not great. We chose to go at 4 pm so between the sun setting in our eyes and the salt water spraying in them, the visibility was abysmal. Also, I had never been on a jet ski before and the instructor didn’t really want to instruct. To make matters worse, my jet ski was broken and started to beep uncontrollably when I slowed down, and then stalled out. This meant I had to constantly go very fast, on a vehicle I’d never been on before, and when I couldn’t see. Not ideal. Halfway through, the instructor switched jet skis with me, which was terrifying on open water, but definitely helped because I never stalled out again! I pulled my adductor gripping on to the thing for dear life, which is still recovering, but I don’t regret doing it. It’s a story!

The next adventure we did was a full day boat trip to Klein Island, or little Curacao. This was way more our speed. We showed up to the dock, and they drove us around. The waters on the way there were ROUGH, but I had read about that in a lot of the reviews. I am not exaggerating, we ran out of barf buckets and had multiple people just heaving into plastic bags. Once Chris and I went to the top level to get away from the vomit, things went a lot smoother. We spent a leisurely day at the beach, on the boat, snorkling, and hiking to see an old lighthouse. It was a great day and while it was technically an excursion, it didn’t involve too much energy expenditure.

Our final big excursion was a day of beach hopping. We went to Grote Knip, where we heard the beach was one of the most beautiful on the island (it was). We went to Playa Forti to jump off of a cliff. By “we” I mean “me.” But my husband did an excellent job of watching our towels and filming the content for Instagram. An equally important role. We also went to Playa Piscado to snorkel with sea turtles, and I actually saw two! The water was SO clear it was amazing. We attempted to see wild flamingos on the way back to town, but unfortunately they were hiding from us, or from the heat.

Throughout our trip, we ate at great restaurants, and being on a small island for a week meant we had time to revisit some of our favorites. We had breakfast twice at BijBlau, where it was inexpensive, delicious, and you could sit literally on the beach. We had dinner twice at Rozendaals; Chris still dreams of the apple tart dessert. We had lunch and snacks twice at Gouverneur de Rouville and watched as the Queen Emma Bridge swung open and closed for boats. One night, we went to Coconut Night at Shelterrock Paradise, where they cooked our dinners in coconuts over an open fire, and ended with a lively night of karaoke led by both staff and guests. Chris impressed the crowd with his version of Frank Sinatra’s My Way, and I killed it in a song fitting for a honeymoon: Let’s Hear It for the Boy.

My honeymoon outfits were *chef’s kiss” if I do say so myself. I brought a combination of outfits I had bought specifically for the honeymoon, dresses I bought for our wedding in Mexico (look at me, so thrifty!), and I also subscribed to a month of Rent the Runway so I could have fun, new-to-me clothes. Unfortunately, despite my research prior to the trip, while the airport had plenty of American-style electric outlets, our hotel had zero. So my hair tools did not work and my hair… has definitely looked better. I tried my best using my limited resources, and I’d say we still had a great time despite my hair looking awful.

Our favorite breakfast spot on the beach

Since we went to Aruba last year, a lot of people have asked me which island we preferred and it’s tough to say! We had very different trips. For one, in Aruba we stayed at an all-inclusive and did not rent a car. While we did a few excursions, we mostly stayed on the hotel grounds. Also, it’s much smaller so a car isn’t needed as much. In Curacao, we were there longer, we explored more, we drove around the island, and we ate all of our meals outside the hotel. There was no room service at all, so we really explored restaurants and snacks/drinks places. It also felt a lot more foreign! The first language in Aruba seemed to be English. Everywhere we went, people greeted us in English and took US Dollars. In Curacao, it seemed we were the lone Americans. Most tourists were Dutch and spoke Dutch, and the menus were all listed in Antillean guilder (ANG), or NAf. Both islands had gorgeous beaches, perfect, sunny days, and amazing Aperol Spritz. And of course my adorable husband!

Now we are back to real life and already dreaming of our next vacation.

Wedding

Wedding Tips & Tricks

June 14, 2022 No Comments

I promised you another installment of wedding content and this one may be the most important one. If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I have been a wedding guest A LOT. I’m a pro. But now I’ve also been the bride and I have picked up a lot of tips and tricks along the way.

My first tip: Have a glam team. I know not everyone is like me, but hair is IMPORTANT. Having bad wedding hair is listed as a regret on every single Betches Brides Wedding podcast episode. As you know, I flew in Alli from @playbraids to do my hair for my wedding. This was by far the best decision I made, aside from picking the husband. Not only did it make it easy because she was able to do multiple looks on multiple days, but she was friendly and fun for all of my friends to hang out with (and me, of course!). And most importantly, it took away a HUGE piece of wedding stress for me. The less stress, the better. I felt pressured to have amazing hair, and Alli understood the assignment. She was a huge trooper, helped me film multiple tiktoks, styled my mom’s hair and my best friend’s, and put up with/loved the Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion vibes. There’s this amazing video she took while the photographer was taking serious portraits of me, and you can hear WAP blasting in the background. Special bonus, my family also fell in love with her, and my mom announced that she’s another honorary daughter of hers now. Almost every person who has seen photos of the wedding has commented on my amazing hair. #WORTHEVERYPENNY

Casual Photoshoot and Rehearsal Dinner Hair

Here’s a tip for your guest list: keep it small. Some people with large families don’t have this option, but I recommend it. With this pandemic becoming a part of our everyday lives, the trend of “micro-weddings” has continued and I couldn’t love it more. We ended up with 51 guests (and a wedding crasher, more on that later) and it was the perfect amount to feel like we had close friends and family, a full dance floor, and people all over the resort. In fact, the morning of the wedding I was trying not to run into anyone, but sure enough I ran into one of Chris’s best friends at the coffee shop. It felt intimate and small, but also like we were surrounded by everyone in our lives.

Regarding toasts and hand-written vows: do them. Both. First the toasts. Choose these people wisely. No one wants to be bored while they are trapped at their tables and far from the bar. Choose entertaining people who will also have unique perspectives on the bride and groom. You don’t want 8 friends all talking about the same things. Chris’s dad told a story I had never heard before about him as a kid. And it was so fun to hear about his childhood from his siblings. For my side, I had one speech from my family (a poem – so funny) and one from my best friend (also hysterical, I cried and laughed). Having different types of people (siblings, parents, friends) makes for different types of speeches and keeps things interesting. Our speeches went a little long, but I think everyone enjoyed them, although I may be biased.

As for vows, I know it can be time-consuming and stressful to add this on top of other wedding planning, but it’s worth it. I understand that not every person enjoys speaking in front of a crowd, but if you pretend it’s just you and your future spouse, it makes it easier. Almost everyone at our wedding knew one of us well since it was a small guest list, and it still made the wedding an engaging experience to include our guests in our love and reasons for choosing to be with this person for life. The day after the ceremony, I had one couple (who is getting married this weekend!) tell me that they planned to read their vows to each other in private, but they were reconsidering because it felt so special to hear ours. Also, the practice of writing your own vows is so special. It forces you to think of when you knew they were your person and what you love and cherish about them. The whole point of inviting people to celebrate with you in your love is to explain those reasons to them. It makes it feel more personal.

Here’s a tip for the anxious brides: only control the things you want to control. If the bridesmaid dresses don’t really matter to you, don’t worry about them! I just wanted my bridesmaids to be comfortable, so I let them pick. Granted, I only had 2 bridesmaids, so it was easier for them to coordinate themselves, but I did not want to sweat the small stuff. Another thing I didn’t care about was the groomsmen, so I let Chris pick. Yes, I was a little nervous when 2 months prior he said he hadn’t picked outfits or communicated with them, but my husband is bit of a posh spice (yes, I called him that in my vows), so I knew I could trust him to figure it out. And he did! Less stress for me.

One more tip about stress: there are some things that will be out of your control. You can’t stress about them because you cannot change them. Flight changes? CHECK. They are going to happen. Our flight to Mexico was canceled the night before. We booked another flight that night. Was it way more money than the original? Yes. But we didn’t really have a choice and I chose not to stress about it. Our MC got stuck in traffic and never arrived. But the photographer’s assistant offered to step up, and what was I going to say? No? Of course not. I said sure! And we went through the list of names for speeches and dances and she killed it. No one even noticed. These things happen and you need to make a conscious decision to just go with the flow. Having an open bar helps.

Here’s a tip regarding an expensive cake: save on the cake, splurge on the cake topper! By the time cake hits the table, most people will be up dancing. And if they aren’t, they’re probably drunk. Hell, if it’s a good party at all, probably everyone will be drunk. People are not going to appreciate the flavor and moistness of the cake. But they WILL appreciate an aesthetic. We were lucky enough to have my aunt make us a cake topper that looked just like us on our wedding day. She made the bride wear my dress, carry my bouquet, she even put highlights and a braid in her hair! Chris also looked dapper in a blue suit and white boutonniere. Everyone LOVED it. We have a google album of guest photos, and there must be 15 different people who took photos of the cake topper. And the best part: it now sits in our living room smackdab in the middle of our bookshelf. Our cleaner saw it last week and was in SHOCK she loved it so much.

Here’s another unconventional trick: do a fun (not slow) father-daughter dance. My dad and I started out slow with Lee Ann Womack’s I Hope You Dance, and after 1 minute we transitioned into a zydeco number, Daddy Lessons by The Chicks and Beyonce. It was a HUGE hit. People were laughing and clapping, and my dad and I had a blast. I heard comments about it from our guests all weekend long! It was engaging and it sped up the tedious first 30 minutes of watching dances and speeches.

Our gorgeous cake (could not tell you what it tasted like)

One of the more controversial points in this blog is about welcome baskets. I think that whether you need them depends on where you have the wedding. If you know people are flying in, not renting cars, and the hotel is in an isolated place, then I would recommend them. Water and snacks are not always available, and when they are, they’re crazy expensive. If you can’t walk down the street to a bodega or a Walgreens, I’d say it’s a nice thing to offer. However, I think they can be simple. If your wedding is local, or in a city with many things around, they’re unnecessary. And welcome baskets are definitely not necessary at all-inclusives. For my wedding there were beverages included in every room (alcoholic, non-alcoholic and water), and I made sure everyone knew that I had Advil, ibuprofen and sunscreen for everyone. Also, there was food and room service available 24/7 for free if people got hungry. We gave out engraved reusable straws as favors, and I don’t think shipping boxes of crap and snacks to Mexico and forcing people to carry it home in their already-stuffed carry-ons was necessary.

My final tip, and the perfect segue into the next installment of wedding content: Have a destination wedding. I won’t delve into it too much here since I am going to write a whole other blog about this, but suffice it to say, it was the right decision for us. I know some people say this isn’t an option because of family pressure or cost of travel but let me tell you, it was not that expensive. It was beautiful. And it was FUN. More on that next time!

Do you have any tips or tricks you’ve picked up from being a bride, groom, or repeat guest? Let me know in the comments!

Long Legs and other Personal Problems

#WorstBrideEver

January 21, 2022 6 Comments

We did it!! That’s right, after successfully skirting the “when’s the wedding” question for 23 months, we finally set a date! Woohooo!! That means I can start planning the day I have been dreaming about for my entire life!! **record scratch**

I have not been planning this day for even the 2 years we’ve been engaged. Hell, I haven’t even been planning it for a month! In fact, I really don’t care at all. And that, my friends, is why I am the worst bride ever.

When I not-so-slyly mentioned in my last blog that I was officially getting married soon, my friend suggested I blog about the journey. And she’s not wrong, so many brides are all over the internet blogging about their wedding planning. There’s a girl who went viral with her own Instagram account solely about planning her wedding – she has 264K followers! Here’s the issue, I don’t want to write about it because I have nothing to say, I simply don’t care. My friend said I should blog about just that, because there must be some people out there who feel similarly. So, here you go.

I want to start this off with a disclaimer: It’s not that I don’t care about being married. I’m actually very excited to have a partner for FOREVER so that I never have to be on dating apps again. I’m excited to have someone who can’t leave me without a tumultuous legal battle. Who is my built-in accountant and financial advisor to explain the 5/24 rule of credit card churning. To sleep next to me every night. To bring me Gatorade when I get food poisoning. And ibuprofen when I have a hangover. To start a family with! (In that order. Just kidding).

The marriage, I’m excited for. The wedding, not so much. I feel like I already did the hard part. I found a guy who can put up with me! And not only did he agree to be with me for the rest of his life, he actually SUGGESTED it. With a big diamond! I already won. We’ve been together for 6.5 years and we’ve been living together for 5. So like, what’s with this whole rigamarole?

I know this is an unpopular opinion. So let me explain.

Some of this is about money. And I know a lot of couples, especially on the interwebs, will say “THIS IS THE ONE DAY YOU SPLURGE! MONEY DOESN’T MATTER!” Ummm, maybe that is true… until the credit card bill comes. Would I feel differently about this whole wedding thing if I had unlimited funds? Probably. But I don’t, so it doesn’t make sense to think that way. And yes, my fiancé works in finance and yes, he could probably afford to splurge on a wedding, but why? For one day? I have friends who have spent over $100K on a wedding. The average is around 50K and that’s not even in New York, which always adds additional sticker shock. I feel like the main driver of wedding prices is usually the bride, at least stereotypically. And since I’m the one with less funding and I don’t care, I feel like I can’t push for this princess wedding concept. Which leads me to my next point.

What’s with this whole “princess” thing? The ball gown. The horse and carriage. The “turning-into-a-pumpkin-at-midnight.” Ok, maybe not that last part. But honestly, it’s kind of weird and creepy. I am 34 years old. I have known for at least two and a half decades that princesses aren’t real. And when they are, they are ostracized from their families and do exposés with Oprah. This is not a goal I am looking to achieve. Although, I’d love to meet Oprah… if anyone has the hook-up. Why are there girls out here trying to pretend to be a fairytale character in their 30’s? No offense, but, that’s weird (obvious offense).

For me, ever since we got engaged, I said that if we were going to have a wedding I cared about 3 things:

People should have enough food. Not necessarily AMAZING, Michelin-starred food, but I don’t want anyone hungry.
Unlimited alcohol. It’s not a fun party if you’re paying for your own booze or if there isn’t enough booze.
Good music that people can dance to. Dancing is a MUST.

Since I made that list, I have added one more thing: AMAZING HAIR. For myself, duh. All brides have told me you are allowed one “thing.” Mine is my hair. For obvious reasons. Namely, Instagram content. Follow me on BraidInManhattan! For this, I am pulling out all the stops. I’m buying extensions. Getting my hair colored to match. Flying in my hair-bestie and internet friend from Florida to do my hair.

The rest of the stuff to me is noise. Bridesmaids? Meh sure. Matching dresses? Definitely don’t care. Flowers? Meh. Bouquet? Don’t care. First look? Sure. Or not. Don’t care. Ring bearers? Don’t care. Toasts? If you want to talk, great. If you don’t, also fine. Rehearsal dinner? Meh. Flavor of cake? Don’t even like cake. Bridal gown? I feel like that one deserves a blog of its own. I have thoughts. Stay tuned.

This is why I have deemed myself the worst bride ever. We have picked a venue and we have a date. We have not planned much else. Over the weekend we discussed a registry. We feel like we don’t need anything additional in our home. We have lived together for 5 years! Whatever we needed, we have purchased. And I always feel weird about the whole concept of a “honeymoon fund.” I’ve never asked people for money before, so why would I do it, or feel we deserve it, because Chris and I are signing a contract? It makes no sense.

I feel like a lot of the wedding hype is a vestige of the past, when a woman was leaving her family to swear herself over to a man. It was a huge step. For me, it’s a minor one. I’m much more excited to have kids. If you want to send me adorable onesies or money for diapers then, feel free. The wedding part I’m mostly doing for my family. And for Chris. My best friend is actually getting married a month after me and if I’m being honest, I’m almost more excited for that. There’s no pressure and I already know she will be super happy.

This brings me to my final point: the additional events. WHY. A few years ago, I was invited to a friend’s wedding (not local). Then, to two separate bridal showers (one local, one not). Then, to a bachelorette party (semi local, but $1000/person). This is literally how I went into credit card debt. No single person should require this much celebrating on their behalf. It’s inane. My mom wants to have a wedding shower for me to celebrate, and also to have something semi-local for her friends. I said fine. But only because she is planning it! And I don’t want to invite any of my friends who aren’t local because at my age, we have all done enough of this. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s financial ruin. If it makes my mom happy, it makes me happy. The end.

Recently, my friend asked me if I wanted to do a bachelorette party. I shrugged. Obviously, I’m always happy to go on a trip with her. We‘ve had a blast together in Turks and Caicos, Costa Rica, Hawaii, Vancouver, Spain, and Portugal, and none of those required a wedding as an excuse. There’s no need to make an excuse to travel together. And especially there is no need to force people to travel in honor of my relationship milestones.

I will say this – I love the beach, and I love a party, and I love my family and friends. And I love Chris. The rest doesn’t matter. If anything changes, I promise to keep you in the loop. But I may just show up here in photos in a few months with a tan and an additional ring on my finger, and that’s fine, too.

Miscellaneous

True Life: Engaged and Quarantined

April 14, 2020 2 Comments

February 14^th, I got engaged to the love of my life. One month later on March 14^th, we made the split-second decision to flee our home and asked his sister if we could temporarily stay with them in Texas. And here we are on April 14^th, basically moved in with my future in-laws with no end in sight and trying not to kill each other. At least once a day I catch myself looking down at my ring, taking a deep breath, and reminding myself that I signed up for this. But did I? Did any of us?

I think everyone can agree that besides Tiger King, the only thing keeping us sane in 2020 is the abundance of memes on Instagram. My personal favorites are the ones like “Day 27 of Quarantine, I have realized that I can’t stand the sound of my husband breathing.” I spoke to a friend recently who said she never realized how loud her partner chewed and has now resorted to playing loud music whenever they dine together. Which is every single meal, every day.

Don’t get me wrong, things could be worse. SO MUCH WORSE. I have a roof over my head, a job, and plenty of (too much?) food. I also have a loving partner who said last night that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. To which I said, “Really? Still?”

Living together is hard. I remember when Chris and I first made the decision to move in together, about 1.5 years into our relationship. I was SUPER nervous about it. I had lived with people my entire life, from parents to roommates, to more roommates, then MORE roommates, because NYC, ya know? Anyway, I had never shared a room with someone besides for one year in a dorm with a roommate who basically slept at her boyfriend’s apartment. And I certainly had not shared a bathroom with a boy besides my brother, who I could just hit if he left the toilet seat up. But a tiny 1-bedroom apartment with a man who I couldn’t just hit when I got annoyed? That was uncharted territory. And it was not easy.

There were socks everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. I would take the sheets off and find anywhere from 2-7 single socks at the bottom of the bed. Socks in the bathroom, in the living room under the couch. RIGHT next to the hamper. And don’t get me started on the dang toilet seat. It’s an ongoing battle. We are still in training, much like when you adopt a puppy, but it’s “please don’t pee on the seat” instead of “please don’t pee in the corner on the rug” (but also sometimes that).

Thankfully, this quarantine happened after Chris and I had already been living together for 3 years, so we had both come to terms with each other’s eccentricities. We were prepared. Or we thought we were.

Narrator: “They were not prepared.”

Living with each other in your own home is one thing but living in someone else’s home is a completely different thing, especially when it is one of your family’s homes. Don’t get me wrong, I love his family. First of all, they are INCREDIBLY generous allowing us to come from the heart of the pandemic in NYC and move in on 6 hours’ notice, literally. Also, they have never been anything but welcoming to me. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is not my house.

There’s a level of comfort in knowing where the containers are and knowing that each top has a bottom because if it doesn’t, you throw it out.

Or knowing that the pillows are the right height so your neck doesn’t feel off all day.

Or knowing that by 11 am, everyone is awake and you can blast music to do a workout class or run the blender to make a protein shake.

Or knowing when the dishes in the dishwasher are clean. (Side note: I have spent 4 weeks now using my incredibly stealthy detective skills to try and figure out their system. I still have not made any headway.)

If you’re sitting at home reading this and playing the world’s smallest violin for my troubles, I get it. There are people out there struggling to survive. People in abusive relationships or without loving partners. I am lucky to have a loving partner, but he treats this house like it is his parent’s home with mommy dearest to clean up after him. Except she isn’t here, I am. And I am the guest, so I feel the need to clean up, pitch in, cook, fold laundry, etc. He feels the need to do NONE of those things except prance down the stairs when he smells bacon. This literally happened today.

This is certainly not the way I would have predicted our engagement to go. Thankfully, we have both been really busy with work. As you know from my previous blogs, one way we try to stay sane and keep from yelling at each other for breathing is by having a weekly date night. This has disappeared. I keep telling him he needs to plan something for me. ANYTHING. A picnic for lunch. A hike. Breakfast in bed. He told me today he is “just waiting to surprise me.” I told him it’s been 4.5 weeks and I’m sick of waiting. But what other choice do I have? Where am I going? Literally NOWHERE.

The good news is that we were not in any rush to get married, so we haven’t lost money or time on deposits or slashed dreams. The bad news is that there are no future plans in place to keep us together. We are holding it together by a tiny band of platinum and a not-as-tiny diamond. And love. Sometimes. When he picks up his socks.

Miscellaneous

The Royal Wedding

May 19, 2018 3 Comments

11 am on a Saturday. Who’s tired? If your eyelids are drooping, it’s either because you were out late last night (and you’re probably much younger than 30), or because you woke up at the butt-crack of dawn to watch people who are vastly more elegant than you and me get married. (I mean come on, I just used “butt-crack” on my public blog.)

I’m exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I set my alarm for 5 am to watch all of the pre-wedding coverage, but God didn’t want that to happen (read: I shut my alarm off because I was like “HELL NO IT’S SATURDAY), and I finally rolled out of bed at 6:34 am. Aka PERFECT TIMING. I turned on the TV and Hoda and the entire Today Show crew were almost sh*tting themselves because the procession, beginning with Prince Harry and William were due to arrive in 8 minutes. Exactly. This thing was more exactly choreographed than the Macy’s Parade. And that’s saying a lot. As soon as the princes emerged from their cavalcade of cars (at 6:42 am exactly), I had tears in my eyes. Or maybe it was just leftover remnants of sleep. Could have been both.

I got up and put on my tiara. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? Well if you think I’m kidding, you don’t know me very well. I love a good tiara. I’m 99% certain I was meant to be a princess. DAMN YOU MEGHAN MARKLE FOR TAKING THE LAST ELIGIBLE PRINCE. Anyway, so there I am watching the princes and other royal family arrive, on the couch, tiara perched on my head. Then, of course, emoji-bf awakes from his slumber and finds me in the living room, tiara and all. Did you ever think that the most embarrassing thing that could happen to you is your boyfriend finding your Pinterest board of engagement rings when you’re not even living with him? I see your Pinterest board, and I raise you this situation. Where your boyfriend finds you on the couch before the sun rises, in a tiara, crying, watching people walk down the street to a wedding. A wedding you have zero ties to. Alas, this is not the first time he has seen me do ridiculous things. He just rolled his eyes and went to brush his teeth.

Let’s talk about the bride’s dress and procession. I don’t need to show you photos because the internet has millions of them already. I absolutely love weddings. But more than I love weddings, I LOVE judging bridal gowns. I can sit and watch a marathon of Say Yes to the Dress for hours and I can say NO to every single one. But Meghan was gorgeous. (Yes, we are on a first-name basis. I was at her wedding, after all!) I love a simple gown, and the boat neck was beautiful. The massive lace veil, together with the stunning tiara borrowed from Queen Mary was enough as far as accessories. I loved the understated complete package, with minimal makeup. The commentators kept talking about how she loves her freckles and wanted them to show. Who knows if that’s true, but it looked natural, which is best, because the look on Harry’s face… UGH. I mean, COME ON. SO CUTE!!! How many memes are going to come from that sparkle in his eyes!? “Get yourself a man who looks at you like this.” I can see it already. I am sure it already exists on the internet. The absolute best part of the wedding was when she walked to the altar, and Harry said “You look amazing.” Then different commentators think he either said “I love you” or “my Heart.” KILL ME NOW. SO ROMANTIC. I’M OBSESSED. CAPS NECESSARY. And the little kiddies behind her holding her train?? UGH. My heart was bursting.

Now to the part I know y’all have been waiting on… my commentary on the actual service. Blah blah blah boring white royal wedding blah blah blah BLACK PASTOR KILLS THE GAME. Yeah, if you guys didn’t see it, go watch it. Bishop Michael Bruce Curry brought the house down. Almost literally. The white people in that room did not know what to do. Now guys, this was the not the first time I had heard a black preacher tell people THE WORD. I know what you’re thinking, didn’t this girl say she was Jewish? Well yeah, but I’ve been around. I’ve been to African Church on Christmas. More than once. And let me tell you something about the services led by black preachers… people don’t just sit there and take it, they stand up and feel the word like it is being delivered straight from god. I was watching Bishop Curry up there talking with his hands, quoting Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., and I was waiting for Meghan’s mom to stand up and say “Glory Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!” See below, Meghan’s mom biting her lip trying to keep herself in her seat.

Unfortunately, this did not happen. But it was close to happening. The actual words the bishop spoke were great, about love and fire, and laying your swords down by the riverside… he even slipped in a couple references to slavery and it was EVERYTHING. However, the best part of his address wasn’t the actual address, it was the news cameras panning around the room at the (still-largely-white) guests and watching their faces. They were confused. Panicked. Highly entertained. It reminded me of myself that very first time in black church. And then, just when I didn’t think it could get better, we pan to an all-black gospel choir singing Stand By Me. GTFO. AHHHH SO AMAZING. Stick a fork in me, because I was DONE. Tears, so many tears.

Then came the famous kiss outside the church, which was chaste at best, but who even cares, because the gospel choir was at it again! With Etta James’s version of Amen/This Little Light of Mine. Good lord. That was totally worth waking up at 6 am.

The happy, adorable couple then left in their horse-drawn carriage, on a parade processional a couple miles long, followed by 26 mounted soldiers, in the pomp and pageantry I can only imagine I will also have on my wedding day, because duh, doesn’t everyone? Not to be upstaged by the fabulous gospel choir, Princess Charlotte waved them off, and stole the show entirely. Now I need a nap. Oh, and Oprah, you’re officially invited to my wedding, too.

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