Have you ever wondered what it’s like to run a marathon? Have you ever thought, “Hmmm… 26.2 miles is a long way and it takes FOREVER. What does one think about while they try not to focus on their legs?” If so, then this blog is for you. I am going to tell you a lot of my thoughts during those 5+ very long hours. But don’t worry, I won’t tell you all of them. Who has 5 hours to kill? (Me… I guess).

Pre-Start Race Corral

Should I try to pee again? I just tried but maybe I should try again? Oh god, what are the port-potties gonna be like on the course? Is now when we need to take off our sweats? Because I’m still cold and I don’t wanna. UGH ok fine I will. Should I keep my tissues with me? Will they get soggy? They’re in a Ziploc but you never know. I sweat a lot. So many questions. EW WHAT IS THAT SMELL!? Oh my god port-o-potties. Wait… I can smell??? Oop! Now it’s gone. Thank god for this sickness. Have people been smelling that the whole time? That must suck.

Start Line

Oh wow! They play Frank Sinatra before we start? That’s pretty cool. The people who work the start line must be reallllly sick of this song if they play it every wave. This would be the… 6^th time they’re hearing it? How many apps do I need to start on my phone? Strava – check. Nike Running – check. Spotify – Check.  How long will my phone last with all of these apps on? I wonder if Strava works if my phone is on airplane mode. I probably should have tested that. Too bad I downloaded it last night. I’ll do anything for a free lululemon tank top. Tell me something I didn’t already know. Ok. Time to run this sh*t. Or run-walk it. Or at least survive it. DAMNIT I accidentally left my tissues in the pocket of my hoodie that I just donated. I guess it’s snot-rockets from here on out.

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Mile 1

Alright, this isn’t too bad. The views are killer. Is it too soon to stop for a selfie? I’m only doing this for Instagram likes anyway. Ok, that’s not entirely true. Damn, I really wish I had my tissues. Should I still stop every 5 minutes to walk like in my training? Everyone always says to take it easy through Brooklyn but no one said anything about on the Verrazano. Then again, I don’t want to get trampled. I guess I’ll stop to walk for 30 seconds and take a pic. Who knows how long my phone will last.

Mile 2

*sees sign “Yo! Welcome to Brooklyn!”* Oh cute!! Signs! I hope I see some witty ones. Someone just welcomed me personally to Brooklyn by name. Such a good idea to put my name on my shirt.

Mile 3

This isn’t too bad! I wish this was a Turkey Trot. I’d almost be done. 23 miles to go. FML. Wait, where did all those other people come from? Are they running the race, too? Let me ask one of them. Ah yes, they are. They just started on the lower level of the bridge. I wonder if that sucks. Not as many insta-opportunities. Well, look at all of us together now. 53,000 people in one HUGE happy family.

Mile 4

Thank GOD there are people out here with water bottles and TISSUES. Next year when I cheer, I am def bringing a box of tissues. You never know if there will be someone out there snot-rocketing their life away. Also, I’m glad I didn’t run with a water bottle. It’s so nice to have my hands free! And there are people all over the place handing them out.

Mile 5

First person I know!! My coworker brought the whole family out to cheer for me! Gotta stop for a selfie. OMG, her sign is made to look like my Braid in Manhattan business card!! Am I too sweaty to give hugs? Meh whatever, they can shower. I can’t shower. for 21 more miles. Woof.

Mile 6

I should be looking for more people from the gym. YES! Spotted!! This is fun. It’s like a super, super hard game of Where’s Waldo through the 5 boroughs.

Mile 7

Everyone wants to high-five me but I don’t think they understand the germs on my hands. Ew. Oh! That woman is giving high-fives with latex gloves on. Smart lady.

It’s 11:30! Time for more Dayquil! “Um, ma’am? Excuse me? My hands are shaking and I really need to open this Dayquil. Yes, I’m sick. No, I don’t feel great. Thanks!”

Alright, well that took a full 90 seconds. Good thing I already knew I wouldn’t be making any sort of time record. How many miles ‘til those meds kick in? 3? 4? 19? UGH.

Mile 8

The street names are words now instead of numbers. I’ll never find any of my friends. My dripping sweat is impeding my vision of street signs. OMG GYM FRIENDS! YAYYY BROOKLYN! I have to stop for a photo or two. Another coworker! This is so fun! More photos, please. Make sure everyone knows I am still alive. For now.

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Mile 9

Full mile with no one I know. Wahhh, this isn’t fun. Why am I doing this again? Also, every time I stop for my scheduled walking breaks people scream my name to try and make me run again. Maybe I shouldn’t have put my name on my shirt?

Mile 10

SISTER!!! I hope I make it into her 1secondeveryday. I even made sure I was running! I can give her a hug despite the sweat and snot. She’s related to me. Hopefully she tells my mom I’m still alive. I wonder if I’ll spot her in Manhattan, too. I think my Dayquil is setting in! I can ALMOST smell. Smell myself, that is.

Mile 11

SO. MANY. JEWS. I was warned about this deadening silence. Like, I see them. They see me. But they’re pretending it’s just another normal day and 53,000 people aren’t running down the street. Cool, cool. JK, not cool, this is annoying AF. I almost wish I had headphones on. ALMOST.

Mile 12

No friends here either. Well at least there are a few spectators again. Why is everyone handing out candy? Oh yeah! It was just Halloween. I think I’ll stick with my Clif Bloks. I’m not trying to make any port-o breaks. Who knows how a Snickers will react in my stomach with all that Gatorade.

Mile 13

Remember when I ran a half marathon and I was like EW NEVER AGAIN? Why the hell did I think, “yea, let me do that TWICE IN A ROW.” I could be DONE now! And to make matters worse, it’s another bridge! Wahhhh I hate uphills.

Mile 14

Another huge bridge coming up. This is what I trained for. I’m EXHAUSTED. And the last two people I was supposed to see, I couldn’t find. This isn’t fun anymore. Should I just walk this whole bridge?

Mile 15

Oh, ok. So EVERYONE walks this bridge. It makes sense, because I’m walking relatively quickly and I’m almost passing some of the people “running.” Why waste my energy? SELFIE BREAK! There are NYRR volunteers stationed in the middle of the bridge specifically to take our pics. Ok, that’s probably not what they are specifically there for, but it’s a good bonus. Sure, I’ll stop. Why not. I’m not going very fast anyway.

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Mile 16

FRIENDS FRIENDS EVERYWHERE!! I needed excuses to stop and chat. Just a little coffee-clatching while very very sweaty. Should I change my shirt? My amazing emoji bf brought me a change. If my hands weren’t working enough to open Dayquil, I will probably struggle with the safety pins on my bib. Meh, I’ll just stay sweaty. “Only” 10 miles left anyway. It’s so fun to see my friends and their signs! Maybe I should just stay here. Ugh, ok FINE I guess I’ll go.

MY SISTER AGAIN! YAY! She noticed I didn’t change my shirt, HA! And our friend brought tissues. Thank god. Is it possible that Dayquil isn’t effective if you’re pushing your body like this? Like how antibiotics make birth control not work? Hmm, I should ask somebody that.

Mile 17

MORE FRIENDS! Omg Jacy brought her baby! That is dedication. Gotta take another pic. First baby on the course!

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Mile 18

Gotham Gators out here with a personalized sign for me. Gotta chomp with them. At this point, I do realize I’m just taking any opportunity I can to stop running. Where the hell are the people with the water bottles like in Brooklyn?? I’M SO THIRSTY. I wonder if people in Manhattan are too broke from paying rent to be handing out free bottles of water. I really should have taken a water bottle with me. Come to think of it… it’s been many many hours and I’ve been drinking water and Gatorade at every mile… how don’t I have to pee at all? Is it all coming out of my nose? Is that a thing? I should ask someone that question, too.

Mile 19

PERSONAL RECORD! I’ve never run more than 18 miles before. Yes, I feel like I want to die but I did it! Even if I don’t finish, at least I am breaking my own records. GOD I’m exhausted. Where is Sara? She said she’d be right on this corner! I better stop to look for her. Also because I MUST STOP.

Wait, is that her ponytail walking away? “SARA!” Omg! It’s her!! Come, walk with me. Forward is forward. Let’s take a selfie. Ok. Gotta go to the Bronx, I’ll be back in half an hour! I hope…

Mile 20

Willis Ave. Bridge. Well, good news is, I’m not the only one walking. Literally EVERYONE is. This is a secret piece of info no one ever told me. I did wonder how people run the whole thing. I guess the answer is, they don’t. Let me take a selfie and check on the battery percentage of my phone. 17% DAMN! I still have at LEAST an hour left! Oh damn, there’s a photographer. I guess he just got a pic of me on my phone and walking. It is what it is. #WorthIt for the selfie.

Mile 21

Good lord this is not easy. There’s a whole slew of port-o-potties. I guess the good news is, I still don’t have to pee at all. Bad news is… why? Should I be worried? My left ankle hurts. That’s weird. It’s not even my “bad” ankle. It’s not too bad, though. Oh, a biofreeze station, I’ll ask them to spray me. Hmm, that worked a little bit! And there’s an NYRR volunteer with The Stick. I’ll roll my quads a little. Plus, I need another break. God these stick thingies are miraculous.

I haven’t been to the Bronx since I filed something in court here. But now I guess I live here because I cannot move my legs anymore. HA! I cannot live in the Bronx. Jenny from the Block loved it so much and even she left. I must move. Forward is forward. I cannot stop coughing! I think these coughs are getting way worse. FINAL BRIDGE. A lady just screamed “This is the last f*cking bridge!” Hell yes, lady. Also, I enjoyed the sign that said, “F*ck it up, buttercup.” Obscenities are infiltrating my every thought at this point.

Mile 22

Holy hell this is HARD. And my coughs are def getting worse. I don’t want to stop but I have to double over from these coughing spells. I have some cramping in my abs, even, from the coughing. Oh, thank god. There’s Sara again. PLEASE WALK/RUN WITH ME. Yes, let’s go on Instagram-Live to distract me. No, I don’t think it matters that you’re just joining the race course. I NEED HELP! I wonder if I’ll regret talking about nipple chafing on Instagram? Meh, too late now. COUGH COUGH COUGH OW. Well, good news is, everyone around me limping and walking super weird. I’m running/walking totally fine. Except for when I’m doubled over struggling to breath between coughs.

Mile 23

5K left! I can do this. I’ve run a 5K a million times. Granted, I’ve never done it after running 23 miles. Also, why is this uphill? Seems like a cruel joke. But the crowds here are deafening. God, I love Manhattan.

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Mile 24

Time to go back into Central Park. I can do this. I can do this. I know this park like the back of my hand. Why do people say that? Do people look at the backs of their hands a lot? I think I’m delirious. The sun is setting! I should take my sunglasses off. What time is it? Damn. 5 hours. I’ve been running for 5 hours. I thought I would be done by now. Oh well. I guess my new goal is beating the sunset.

I just passed a 40K sign. What the hell does that mean? How many K’s is a mile? Wait, 5K is 3.1 miles… 40/5 x 3.1… I cannot do mental math. I think I’m close to the next mile marker? My phone is at 5%. I need to remember to stop my Strava at 1%. I WILL NOT LET MY PHONE DIE.

Mile 25

25! More coworkers! And another racecourse baby! The spectators keep saying “you’re almost there, Emily!” and FINALLY they are telling the truth! They’ve been saying that sh*t since mile 13. Which was incredibly annoying. But finally it’s TRUE! Oh my god it’s so close. I can run, still! I need to run through the finish.

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Mile 26

26 freaking miles. The .2 is a cruel joke. Ok, that sign just said 800 meters to go. How long is a meter? It would be really helpful to understand the metric system. I know I’m close though. I bet I can run the whole rest of this. Phone at 2%. Omg this is like the Hannukkah oil that lasted for 8 nights. Incredible. Will it last ‘til the finish line???

Mile 26.1

Back in the park! Look at all of these flags lining the street. SO COOL. I am so so so close!

Mile 26.2

400 meters to go. Welp, still don’t know what a meter is but I SEE THE FINISH LINE! I WILL CROSS THIS THING WITH MY HANDS IN THE AIR!

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FINISH

HOLY CRAP. I did it. I DID IT! I thought I would cry but I don’t think I have enough fluids in my body for that. Speaking of… how come I still don’t have to pee? And where is there water?? I earned this medal! AHHH so cool! Phone at 1%. End Strava. End Nike+ Run. End Fitbit.

“Hi! Excuse me. First of all, congratulations. Second of all, will you take a photo of me with my medal? Here’s how you switch the camera around. Oh. Sorry, my phone just died.”

“Hi, sir? First of all, congratulations. Second of all, my phone just died. Can you maybe take a photo of me with my medal at the finish and then send it to me? Yes, I need you to take it on your own phone. Then send it to me. My phone died. Oh, you live in France and don’t have service? Ummmm, do you think you can Whatsapp it to me later when you have wifi?? I’d be soooo thankful. I’m never doing this thing ever again. Ever.”

If you made it all the way through this journey with me without even carb-loading first, you deserve a Gatorade. And a medal. But not my marathon medal because I’m never giving mine away. After reading this, do you think you want to run a marathon? No? Me either.

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