Fitness

People I Hate at the Gym

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I have been spending a lot of time at the gym, specifically Orangetheory. Many articles will tell you different statistics about how many people give up on their News Year Resolutions within 2/4/6 weeks, but no matter what you read, that means the people still sticking around on February 17th are likely there for the long haul. And unfortunately… I HATE SOME OF Y’ALL.

Here are a few categories of people I wish would quit the gym.

Unnecessary Noise People

Why? Honestly, is it necessary? Because I see you lifting half the weight as me, and there is no reason for you to be grunting. If your weight choice is actually so difficult that your body releases an uncontrollable sound every time, perhaps you need to scale back. Now, let’s talk a little about jumping noises, too. I do not mean the actually sound of jumping. I mean the tiny little yelp that is 100% unnecessary every time you jump side to side or forward and back. There is someone who does this every class. I (kindly) call her “bird sex girl” because it sounds like a teeny tiny parakeet having vigorous reproductive fun for 30 seconds at a time. Once, I was on the treadmill as it was going on, and I thought it was a malfunction on my treadmill and the belt was coming loose but no, bird sex on the floor behind me.

People Who Won’t Swallow Their Water

You heard it here first: water is for hydration. Groundbreaking. Things water is not for: stagnant mouth-holding. Teeth-cleaning. Swishing around. This one is just extra disgusting to me. Why are you walking around the studio with your mouth full of bacteria-laden liquid? It makes no sense. What if someone accidentally knocks you? What happens to the water, then? Just take the water in your mouth and swallow it. This requires no additional explanation.

Every-Weight-In-This-Gym-Is-Mine People

It’s happened to me too – the coach explains an exercise, and you realize you want a 20-pound weight, but your rack doesn’t have one. What do you do? Look around, maybe ask a neighbor to borrow, or just attempt a lower weight with more reps or a higher weight with less reps. What do you not do? Go to someone else’s weight rack and just grab a few. Do you have no home training? If something is not yours, you ask permission. With a “please” and a “may I?” I learned that in kindergarten playing “Mother, may I?” The second these people hit the weight floor it’s like all common courtesy leaves their mind as they are only thinking “MUST FIND A 20-POUND DUMBELL ASAP.” Come on, guys, be normal.

Chatty Cathys

Surprisingly, this is usually the men. They come with their bros and love to just ham it up picking the largest weights on the rack, and usually do the exercises incorrectly. You may be curious how they are doing the exercise wrong when the coach demos every single exercise and little video-people are also demo-ing on the screens all around the room. Well… it’s because they’re too busy chit-chatting to watch a demo, and they think they know best. Don’t get me wrong, I love to work out with a friend. It’s way more fun to have a buddy in class, to shoot “kill me” looks at them when the coach casually throws 10 burpees into a workout. I even sing along to the playlist (often) and congratulate my treadmill-neighbors when they hit a top speed on an all-out. But don’t talk over a demo, it’s disrespectful to the coach and the other participants.

Forrest Gump

Run, Forrest, Run!!! But actually, please don’t. One of the main tenets of Orangetheory is that you’re supposed to keep your heart in the orange zone, not run as fast and as hard as you can the entire time. Each day’s template is designed to maximize your effort and include recoveries. The coach should not need to come over to you 6 times to tell you to stop running. Usually in class while you are walking, the coach is speaking and explaining the next block. If you are running, your treadmill is loud and no one else can hear. And who are you really showing off to? No one cares and it is not a race. There are no medals. If you really want to run nonstop, there are miles and miles of street throughout New York City. In fact, the studio is only one block from Central Park! SEE YA.

The Ones Who Forgot Their Shirts

I admit, most of this is jealousy. I wish I had A. the confidence to not wear a shirt in public and B. the boobs to carry it off. I will be honest, my jealousy distracts me. I love a good matching gym set, but when I just see boobs out of the corner of my eye, it’s hard to look away. I can’t even shame though because honestly, they usually look good. Maybe after all of these weeks at Orangetheory I’ll feel confident without a shirt, too. And the best part – it’s less laundry!

Smelly People

I understand we all didn’t leave our houses for over a year. At home, it didn’t matter if you stank. No one was there to judge you. All the way back in July 2020, they reported that deodorant sales plummeted and ice cream sales soared. Maybe you never raised your arms at home because you sat at your laptop all day. Maybe you didn’t realize that your dog stopped hanging around by your desk. But you absolutely need to be self-aware again if you plan on working out vigorously in close proximity to other humans. A mask can only help incrementally. Unless the entire membership of Orangetheory gets symptomatic Covid and collectively loses their sense of smell simultaneously, you absolutely must do something about it. And until you do, I will give you the stink eye (literally) every time you do an overhead press.

There are probably some annoying people I missed, let me know in the comments.

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Fitness

Themed Spin Class Playlists

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I write this post while blasting Jason Derulo in my earbuds. You may ask me why. What a great question: A. I’m hiding from construction noise at work. And B. I’m creating a theme playlist for Spin next week! DUH. Next Monday, 3/5/18, all Jason Derulo. I have been teaching fitness classes for more than 11 years, but I haven’t talked about it too much on the blog yet. One of my favorite types of Spin classes to teach is a theme class. Here’s why:

  • Costumes. Y’all know I love any opportunity to dress up.
  • The hype. There’s nothing I like more than gloating about my upcoming classes on social media. Like here where I posted on Instagram about my upcoming boy band playlist. Or here where I showed everyone my amazing talent of keeping my “Happy New Year” tiara on my head the whole 60 minutes during my “Top Songs of 2017” playlist. I also tweet about themes in the hopes that the Dodge YMCA will retweet me some day.

  • Groupies. People love a good theme. Advertising in advance means more people will come. And sometimes I can even get people to create the whole playlist for me! Remember when Tim created a playlist for my Guest DJ Ride?
  • Easy to make the playlist. I just type “hot” in Spotify and BAM. I have a playlist. Ok it’s not that easy. But it is easier than pulling 15 random songs out of thin air.

Sometimes a theme playlist is based on current events, sometimes it’s an artist I want to highlight, sometimes it’s a trip I’m about to take, sometimes it’s a holiday that is coming up, and sometimes it’s just when the mood strikes me. Like almost every Thursday when I decide to throw in some throwbacks (#TBT, ya know?).

Sometimes my themes are specifically requested, like the Jason Derulo class coming up next Monday, 3/5/18. I am always trying to get people to give me requests, and some of my best themes have been suggested by participants, like Britney v. JT. This particular theme was requested by my best friend, who happens to be a special guest next week. Monday, 3/5/18. (Have I said it enough times yet?)

Here are themes I have used in the past, including links to my Spotify, once I started using it. Feel free to follow my Spotify, or follow those individual playlists if the theme moves you:

Photos from My Theme Classes of Yore

I am always accepting new ideas for Spin class themes, song requests or theme requests. If you have any, leave them in the comments! And if you’re in the Brooklyn area, don’t forget to come to my class, next Monday, 3/5/18, at 7 pm. Wear your Jason Derulo fangirl outfits.
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Fitness, Long Legs and other Personal Problems

So Sore

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Guys, I am so sore. I don’t think I can clearly express this feeling. I am basically immobile. Here’s what happened: Tuesday, I was going to see a free movie pre-screening with a friend after work (shout out Fatima for the free pass, and shout out Ryan Reynolds for being so adorable). Since I knew I couldn’t go to the gym after work, I decided to go to a 6:30 am class that my friend Hannah was teaching. I used to teach this same exact class, Les Mills Grit, at 6:30 am on Thursdays. But then I found my sanity, realized that it did not make rational sense to wake up at 5:30 in the morning, and I gave my class to Hannah. She now teaches at that ungodly hour TWICE A WEEK. She is a stronger person than I am. In more ways than one. Anyway, I met her outside her apartment at 5:30 am, in the dead of night, and we took the subway down to Brooklyn. Les Mills Grit is a high intensity interval training (HIIT) workout, and the strength version of Grit uses a barbell, weight plates, and body weight to improve strength and build lean muscle. In theory. In REALITY, what it does is KICK YOUR ASS. And your quads. Mostly your quads.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I was incredibly sore so I went to Peloton (remember my blog about that place?) in an attempt to shake out my legs. I was planning on having terrible stats, since I could barely move. I actually ended up performing incredibly well, top ten in the class, and beat my personal best overall output. This was mostly because my legs were physically unable to move quickly, so I just ramped up the resistance. Today, my legs are EVEN WORSE.

Here are a few things I am unable to do, thanks to being a cripple:

  • Walk. Now it’s more like a wobble. Or waddle. I swear I used to be able to walk without looking like I was wearing a full diaper.
  • Use the bathroom. It’s going to be an uncomfortable week doing the pee-pee dance until it is ABSOLUTELY necessary. Maybe I SHOULD wear a diaper.
  • Pick things up from the ground. If I drop something, I am considering it a “pay it forward.” Maybe I’ll make someone’s day. Unless It’s a dollar. Then I will struggle.
  • Stand up from a seated position. I need handicapped railings at my desk. STAT.
  • Bend or crouch.

So basically, all I can do is sit. And I can’t get up. I’m like the woman on that Life Alert commercial from days of yore. 1987 to be exact. If you need me, you know where to find me. Exactly where I was when you left me.

 

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Miscellaneous

My Week as a Full Time Slave

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I spent the last week in Broomall, Pennsylvania, helping my mom out after she had a hip replacement surgery. Or in her words, I have spent the past week as a “full-time slave.” But TBH, this is not fair, because she is recovering incredibly quickly, and she really doesn’t need full time help at all. I did do 6 loads of laundry over the course of a week, but with my excessive amount of gym clothes, that’s not much more than a normal week for me.

By the time I arrived, 8 days post-surgery, she had already graduated from a walker to a cane, and she was walking around without much help at all, albeit at a slow pace. Also, she bought a grabber* from Amazon so when she dropped things, she could pick them up herself. Once she found where she had left her grabber, of course. We hung out at home, watched The Handmaid’s Tale (WTF!?), I read and finished a book (The Light We Lost, by Jill Santopolo, HIGHLY recommend), we ALMOST finished a 750-piece puzzle, AND we did crossword puzzles every day.

But we also left the house! We went on a lot of adventures to the mall, to the library, to a yard sale, to Moe’s (WELCOME TO MOE’S!), to Rita’s for 99 cent custard, to Staples, to Ross; basically we did a lot of shopping and eating. And a LOT of walking! She added on 500 steps/day on her fitbit, and by the time I left, we were up to 7,500/day! She was a walking machine.

However, there were definitely still things she needed help with, and I was happy to help. I don’t take my working body for granted, especially since I tend to sprain my ankle at least once annually. But this experience definitely opened my eyes some more to what would happen if I needed help because my joints weren’t working at 100%. What would you not be able to do if you couldn’t bend more than 45 degrees? Here’s a short list in all of its hilarity:

  • Dry the bottoms of your legs. Nothing like having wet calves. Drip dry anyone?
  • Shave the bottoms of your legs. I’m now a pro. Also, I have learned that I shave OTHER people’s legs much more carefully than I shave my own. On my own, I usually miss an entire strip of hair. Or 3.
  • See anything on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. It was a true (smelly) adventure going through the contents of the bottom shelves. And don’t get me started on the contents of the drawers. The grabber couldn’t slide them open.
  • Carry heavy things. This was my second workout after my free trial pass at Anytime Fitness. Did you read that blog post?
  • Put on socks and shoes. To bunny ears, or not to bunny ears? After 25+ years of tying my own shoes, it was backwards and took me a few times tying my mom’s to realize it was the same as when I tie a hair ribbon in my hair. Which I still do at least 3 times a week. Yes, I am 30.
  • Pick up a roll of paper towels. Again, grabber was no good here. Maybe we should return it to Amazon.
  • Drive. This was a big one. It is rare that a New Yorker who has not driven in almost a year is the driver of choice, but by process of elimination, it was true. I think I make a damn good chauffeur, too. Maybe my mom is even starting to like hip hop. Maybe not. I was jammin’ to Q102, Philly’s #1 Hit Music Station. I think I finally know all the words of Despacito.

Anyway, my life of servitude has officially come to an end, and I am back in NYC, the smelly land of rotting garbage and effed up public transit due to drunk people on the train tracks. Unfortunately, this also means I need to start paying for my own meals and clothes again. I’d do someone else’s laundry for free shopping trips any day of the week. Hell, I do my bf’s for free! Should I move back home? Thoughts?

*”grabber” (n.) (gra-ber) – a term of art. Not its given name according to amazon.

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Fitness

Joining a Gym for Free

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I have been a gym rat for 12 years now, but also, I have basically always been poor. At least since I was 18. As of yet, my mint.com has not saved me the thousands of dollars I had hoped, so meanwhile I’ve perfected the art of joining the gym for free or for a reduced price. Most recently, I was in Pennsylvania helping my mom after she had a hip replacement (full blog on that coming soon), and I needed somewhere to work out for 7 days! So how did I do it? There are two key components: research, and lies. And a bit of persuasion.

The ultimate #winning move for a free gym has been teaching fitness classes. Not only do I get to use the gym for free, but I also get PAID to work out. Clearly this is not an option everyone would like to take advantage of, but if you want to talk to me about becoming a fitness instructor, I’d be happy to chat with you. There are basically only advantages. Anyway, if you don’t want to work out in front of 30 people, and talk the whole time, here are my ways to join a gym for free.

My first place I scope out is always Planet Fitness. Technically, they are $10/month and there is no commitment. However, they have been getting smart recently, and now there is a $69 initiation fee and a $39 annual fee, even if you cancel after one month. So no commitment? More like a commitment of $118 + as many months as you want. No thanks. Every once in a while, though, they waive the fees, and it really is $10/month. So do your research and check if they are running any specials. Also, if you have been a member previously (read: if you have ever paid $10 to them ever in the past), try and sell yourself as a RETURNING member, reinstating your membership. Then they sometimes waive the initiation fee. Of course this is complete and utter bullshit and word-jenga, but it sometimes works. I paid $10 to them 3 years ago when I went to my parents for a week-long Christmas vacation, and therefore, they waived the $69 fee the next time. I’ll take it.

Option Number Two: research and haggling skills. If you learn one thing in this blog post, learn this lesson: absolutely NEVER pay the first prices quoted at any corporate megagym. The first gym where I taught after college was LA Fitness, and it always blew my mind to hear what members were paying. Why? Because it was NEVER the same price! Research is key here; don’t be afraid to ask people what they are paying before you join! It cannot hurt to go into a gym consultation (AFTER USING THE FREE PASS, see below), with some info, so you can say “$50/month?? My friend Linda pays $39.” They can’t dispute that, because it is true! Also, lesson number three as stated above: initiation fees are complete bullshit. Gyms use initiation fees for two purposes, 1. To get more money from people who are afraid to counter it, and 2. So they have something to take away during their “membership drives” without losing any profit. Listen to me here: if you pay a gym initiation fee, you are a sucker. Lesson number four: PRETEND YOU’RE POOR. Or maybe you are poor! If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to say it. They will work with you. Let me reiterate here though, this is for megagyms like LA Fitness and YMCAs. SoulCycle doesn’t give a shit if you’re poor and doesn’t want you there. How will you buy their branded and upcharged lululemon?

Next option: new gyms. This is America, the land of the fat and constantly-dieting. Therefore, there are ALWAYS new gyms popping up. Pretty much any gym offers a bargain or free trial pass to get you in the door. Little do they know, you be going OUT the door in a few days, when the trial pass is over. This is where the lies and charm kick in. When I first moved to New York, I didn’t join a gym for 2 months. I was trying to get a gym to hire me to teach, and I didn’t want to waste money on a membership when I knew I would have to cancel once I started teaching. Let me tell you, I did not miss a single day in the gym. Between New York Sports Club’s week free pass, The YMCA’s multiple guest passes, my friends’ free guest passes to Equinox, free first classes at niche studios throughout Brooklyn and Manhattan, I had very toned legs, and a full wallet.

Most recently in Pennsylvania, my mom had heard about a new Anytime Fitness, where her manicurist is a member. I checked them out online and BAM, free 7 day pass. (They also have a Groupon right now! Do your research, guys.) I was only going to be in Pennsylvania for 5 days, so that was perfect. Only catch here, you had to be local. Well guess what, my mom is local, and we still have the last name! (If emoji bf doesn’t step it up, I may be able to use this fact to my advantage forever.) I filled out the form online, used my mom’s address, then I armed myself with a believable and half-true story, and an inquisitive, “I’m trying to decide which gym to join” face. The first day I tried to go to the gym ready to pretend to listen to a pitch, there was no one there. Anytime Fitness is 24/7 for members, but if you’re on a free pass, the manager has to be there to let you in. Although the door said someone would be there until 2 pm, it was 1 pm and the door was locked. As I stood at the door pondering my options, a guy left the gym and held the door open for me. Don’t mind if I do! I walked right in and had a great 2 hour workout. Lesson here: just loiter in front of the door of a gym. Someone will eventually leave.

The next time I went to Anytime Fitness, the manager was there and he showed me around. The whole thing took under 5 minutes. The lesson here: when they ask you if you have questions, it’s ok to say no. The only real question you have after all, is, “when can I start my workout?” As it turns out, I didn’t have to use my well-spun story of lies at all. I told him I had “just come from New York” (true) and when he asked how I heard about the gym, I told him my mom’s manicurist is a member (also true). He didn’t ask for my ID or anything! I had taken my mom’s license, just in case, but it turned out all I needed was my winning smile. 😉 The manager told me that not only would he knock $30 off the initiation fee (again, always tell them you are poor), but also, he said he would extend my free 7 day pass to be 14 days. Dang! I almost slipped and told him it was too bad I’d only be in town for 5. But I just smiled and nodded. Today is my last day in Philly and I’m a little sad to let my 9 remaining free trial pass days go to waste. I used their cable machines, the TRX, the kettle bells, the Open Stride, and even their virtual studio to take a step class. I would actually recommend this place. After some serious haggling, of course, and definitely without an initiation fee.

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