I am quite possibly the most experienced Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade viewer that you will ever meet. I already told you about my long history with The Parade. As my Thanksgiving gift to you, I am sharing with you my ultimate guide of tips and tricks for watching the parade. I will do a separate guide for those in New York watching LIVE vs. people watching remotely. Although, let’s be honest, y’all should just come to NYC. It’s worth it.

LIVE VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:

• DO attend the GREAT BALLOON BLOWUP the night before! It’s going on right now! 1-8 pm around the Natural History Museum.
• DO dress in layers! This is self-explanatory. It’s cold AF and you’ll be standing still for a LONG time.
• DO wear comfortable shoes. It’s a lot of hours. All standing.
• DO go out drinking the night before. Then you’ll be dehydrated the next morning. Trust me, this will come in handy.
• DO set 4 alarm clocks. Especially if you’re drinking the night before.
• DO bring snacks. And breakfast. You’ll be hungry.
• DO charge your phone and bring an extra charger. You’ll need it. Here’s why:
• DO post incessantly on social media. Instagram and Snapchat needs to be jealous! Make sure the world knows that you live in the greatest city in the world and you only walked 10 blocks from your apartment to view the greatest parade on Earth.
• DO tweet constantly @macys #MacysParade.
• DO call all members of your family from the parade route so they are jealous. One year, my brother was in Israel and he called us from ISRAEL so he could feel like he was part of the action.
• DO try and find any of your friends or relatives who are walking in the parade.
• DO scream their names like a crazy person until they see you and wave.
• DO still make sure you record the broadcast at home!! If you view the parade in person, you miss all the talent acts that take place in Herald Square. You will need to watch it in its entirety later! Also, you’ll want to see the commercials. More on that later.

• DON’T be afraid to push people out of the way.
• DON’T be intimidated by children. Feel free to tell those 3-year-old bastard children that now is not the time to be on your dad’s shoulders. There are 30-year-olds who wanna see Santa too!
• DON’T drink coffee in the morning. Porta Potties. Need I say more?

AT-HOME VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:

• DO wake up with enough time to brush your teeth. I’d normally allow 10 minutes before 9 am.
• DO watch the entire thing. Show performances from 9-10 am. Rockettes somewhere in the middle. Santa at the end!
• DO have a printout of the lineup with you so you can check off acts as they perform, and so you know what’s coming up.
• DO watch Miracle on 34^th Street directly after the end of the parade! We did this every year when we lived in Florida. It’s basically just an extension of the parade.
• DO watch the 1947 version or the colorized version of it. This may belong in the DON’Ts section below, but don’t watch the 1994 version with Mara Wilson. Unless you’re watching both. Then it’s ok.
• DO watch out for the special balloon this year commemorating the 70^th anniversary of the movie!!
• DO download the Macy’s app! They have amazing features you can use even from home! Like transforming yourself into a Macy’s Elf.

• DON’T miss the beginning! You need to hear Amy Kule (the Executive Producer of the Parade) say “Let’s Have a Parade!”
• DON’T fast-forward through the commercials! Many advertisers debut their best commercials of the holiday season during the Parade. There are always articles about how it’s a brand’s dream because everyone loves Thanksgiving. No conflicts of interest.
• DON’T feel bad about tweeting constantly @macys #MacysParade even if you’re watching from home. Yes, I said this before. And I’ll say it again.
• DON’T MISS SANTA! I already sorta said this above but, DUH.

And the most important:

DON’T MISS IT!!! According to the official website FAQ, “This once-a-year event is best watched live! Unfortunately, no reproductions of the broadcast are available for sale or distribution.”

Also, FYI, as much as I’d want to get proposed to during The Parade, it’s impossible. This is also covered in the FAQ. SEE YOU GUYS ON CENTRAL PARK WEST!!