Grief and Pregnancy Loss

The One Where All of Her Friends Were Pregnant

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TW: Pregnancy Loss

I am 36 years old. That means that if my friends want to have kids it’s now or never. Unfortunately for me, that means a lot of my friends are having kids now. And I am… not.

It’s hard. I think the main theme of this blog post is going to be that it is just plain hard. It’s difficult to navigate friendships when you’re a loss mom and your friends are pregnant. It is difficult to keep friends when they’re pregnant, to communicate with them, to relate to them, to be happy for them, to be around them, and quite honestly, it’s hard to just see them. Let’s start there, with the bare minimum.

How do you keep a friend when literally seeing a picture of them makes you cry? I remember exactly where I was post-loss when I saw the first picture of my friend and her baby bump. It was bad. It set me off for about three full days. It was not a surprise that she was pregnant, I already knew. It was also not a surprise how far along she was, I knew her due date. But to see that physical proof of something she had that I didn’t have, it was brutal. (Side note: I do not fault her at all for posting a photo, in fact I have a whole blog coming about this.)

I saw her body, and my thoughts started to spiral: Was I ever that big? What did people think of me? Did they ever think I was pregnant? What do people say to her when she’s in public? Do people congratulate her? Give up their seat for her? Can her husband feel the kicks? Do they ask her what the sex of the baby is? Does she already have names in mind?

All of these were things that I never got to have, and they were right there in my face. The hardest part was that when that picture was taken, she was exactly the same amount of weeks I was when our daughter died, but every body is different, and my body never looked like that.

One option to deal with these friendships would have been to stop all communication with my pregnant friends, or as my therapist called it, avoidance LOL. I decided this was not what I wanted for a few reasons: 1. I had lost enough, and I didn’t want to lose my friends, too. And 2. My anxiety NEEDED to know that my friends were ok.

One of the worst parts of navigating these relationships was that my emotions were and are unpredictable. I really didn’t know that seeing a photo would be so triggering. But I knew that if a photo sent me down a rabbit hole, seeing a pregnant friend in person would be even worse. For that same friend in the photo, we were going to hang out a month later, but I ended up telling her a week later that I couldn’t. I just didn’t think it would be productive for either of us if I was crying the whole time. Another month later, I changed my mind again and decided that I wanted to see her, so long as she wanted to see me. My feelings and moods kept changing, and there was no way she could have known.

A month ago, I went to coffee with another friend who was 9 months pregnant. I was SO proud of myself for this, especially for giving her a hug when I left. I thought I might spontaneously break into sobs when her baby bump touched my flat(ter) stomach, but I held it together.

Even when we didn’t physically see each other, it was hard to cut off friends from communication when we were used to speaking constantly. As I mentioned in my blog about small talk, conversation felt extremely meaningless when I knew we were just dancing around and avoiding the big stuff. As the loss parent, it was my job, I supposed, to lead the conversation. Most good friends avoided speaking about their pregnancies to me at all. I knew they did this to protect my heart, but sometimes it felt like they were actually just hiding from me and excluding me. When I most recently heard from a friend that she, too, was pregnant, she told me she wouldn’t talk about it at all on the group chat. For some reason, that rubbed me the wrong way. I knew she was doing it so that the chat would be a safe space for me, but instead, it felt like my friends were afraid to talk about their lives in front of me anymore. I was too fragile for them to share with, and they had to walk on eggshells around me. It made me take a step back and think about what I actually would want, if asked, and I realized that I didn’t know! How could my friends possibly know if I didn’t know.

In my specific case, I had the added complication in my loss that I nearly died. When I think of pregnancy, I think of death. I know too much. I know allll of the things that can go wrong. For example, my anxiety and superstition would not let me publish this blog until all of my friends due in September delivered alive-babies, and all of my friends survived and went home from the hospital.

Recently, I texted another one of my pregnant friends who lives in the same neighborhood as me. I had texted her on her birthday a few months back and she hadn’t replied. I had seen her post a few times on social media, but she never mentioned a pregnancy. I started to get nervous. I texted and asked how she was, her due date, how everything was going. As I suspected, she hadn’t been texting me because she didn’t want to push her pregnancy on me. Once I texted, I opened our communication again, which I was happy for, but then she offered for us to go on a walk. This was one step too far. I couldn’t imagine chit-chatting and walking alongside a 9-month pregnant person. I typically avert my eyes when I see pregnant strangers on the sidewalk! She totally understood when I turned her down for a walk, but I imagine it was confusing for her that I was fine to ask about her due date, but not to see her. I couldn’t explain this discrepancy.

A few months ago, another one of my pregnant friends asked me if I wanted to know when she had the baby. I was adamant that I wanted, nay, NEEDED to know that she had the baby. I explained how I had extreme anxiety keeping me up at night, knowing that so many of my friends were about to go through this mortal and dangerous time in their lives. Of course, my therapist reminded me constantly that many babies (most babies, even) were born fine, and their moms are fine, but all I could remember was what happened with me. My friend told me she hadn’t even thought that I may be thinking about her own safety, but she was so glad she asked me if I wanted to know about the birth, because she was nervous to tell me.

During pregnancy, my friends were uneasy talking to me, but leading up to their due dates, they were even more hesitant. The crazy part was, I had experience with labor and delivery! I used to be someone that people went to for advice, but in this one area, I was cursed. People forgot that I had a kid and she just, unfortunately, died. My friends knew I was pregnant, and they knew I was not anymore, and a lot of them read this blog. But most of them forgot that I was VERY pregnant, that I understood what it was like to be pregnant, that I went through 31 hours of labor, and that I delivered a child. I’ve done it.

I was recently talking with a friend who had an induction date coming up and she was explaining to me a procedure she planned to have to induce labor. She explained it for a minute or two until I interrupted and said, “I know what that is, I had that.” I had it all. They did almost everything to get my baby out of me because she was literally killing me. I had a balloon. I had a membrane sweep. I had multiple (failed) epidurals. I had fentanyl in doses that I thought were reserved for shows like Ozark. I had an emergency operation post-delivery. And then, I was post-partum. I had all of the problems and physical limitations that come along with that. I was doing everything possible to prevent and minimize milk production, I had hormone changes, night sweats, a ban on sex and hot tubs, I just didn’t have a living child. I could relate to my pregnant and post-partum friends (minus the whole “taking care of a living baby” part), but it was uncomfortable to talk about because of the ending. I completely understood that they wouldn’t want to think about my experience because it was scary and horrible, but sometimes it felt like their avoidance invalidated my story.

On the flip side, I couldn’t really bring it up either because who wants to think about possible bad outcomes when they have hope and happiness? While I wanted to text my friends daily and remind them to check their blood pressure at home, I recognized that while I thought I was protecting and looking out for my friends, it could have been viewed as patronizing, not staying in my lane, and projecting my anxiety.

When I first talked with my therapist about my anxiety around my friends’ pregnancies, she asked if a small part of me wanted something to go wrong with their pregnancies so I wouldn’t have to go through this alone. But you know the saying, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy?” Well, I certainly wouldn’t wish this on my close friends. Not even a tiny little bit. I spent many weeks agonizing over whether to send baby gifts in advance. Even though my friends didn’t send me their registries, I knew where to find them on Amazon or Babylist, I had had them myself! Every time I added things to my cart and went to check out, I imagined them having to return the gifts or send them back, or worse, look at them in their homes and cry. I remembered myself packing our baby stuff on a luggage cart 12 hours after returning from the hospital so my mom could take it all out of our apartment. I thought about my friends having to go through that, and I couldn’t do it. I decided I would wait until all babies were earth-side and I could feel some sense of calm and celebration for everyone. I’m not going to lie, buying items I had looked at for myself, and sending them to someone else, was not easy. At all. But I tried to channel my relief that they didn’t have to go through what I had, and I was able to feel some sense of joy. As a lot of memes say, “happy for you, sad for me.”

It’s hard not to compare. When my first friend mentioned she had a baby at 3 am, I remembered that I had, too. But she was in labor an entire day less than me. How was it fair that she had a living child AND 24 hours less of labor? I thought to myself, “AT LEAST let her go through a tough labor.” But then, a few weeks later, another friend of mine had her baby and her husband talked on Instagram about how strong she was for going through 24 hours of labor. Meanwhile, I went through 31 and no one was singing my praises on the internet. I can’t tell you what it’s like to labor hoping you’ll have your alive baby in your arms soon, but I can tell you what it’s like to labor knowing yours will be dead and I can almost 100% assure you it’s worse. But none of this is fair, and knowing that others went through 4 or 24 hours of labor doesn’t make it any better.

So, PHEW, now they all have living babies and everything is great, right? Wrong. Pregnancy, while temporary, leads to a permanent role change. The best-case scenario of having a pregnant friend, is that they eventually become a parent friend, and they have a living child for the entire rest of their lives. This brings a whole new set of problems I’ll reserve for another post.

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to a baby loss event with Baby Loss Library when I was scrolling through Instagram and saw my third friend who was due in September had her baby. Almost at the same time, she messaged me. She said since it was Sunday, she was planning to “have beer and watch football like a normal person.” I was on my way to an event full of moms with dead babies, and I realized the cold reality that I would quite literally never be a “normal person” again. Yes, I might have my own little family someday and I may also be watching football and drinking a beer, but I’d always have a dead baby. It was impossible in that moment not to compare. I was thankful to spend the day with women who understood, but the contrast of a “normal person” versus me, spending the day talking about dead babies, is my reality now and forever.

When I started writing this, I wanted to give tips. I wanted it to be a “how-to” of navigating friendships while dealing with loss. After free-writing, I realized I can’t give a how-to, because I literally don’t know how to! My main takeaways are for those who are pregnant: You should know that navigating this is hard. While us loss-parents know you are probably scared to bring up your pregnancy, and you are probably scared to even reach out period, please do. It’s a huge burden for the loss mom to constantly reach out. Loss moms are probably anxious, scared, scared to scare you, and lonely. We probably don’t want to bring our bad juju into your space. But we also probably love you and want the best for you. And while we may not be able to be “happy” for you every day because we’re jealous and angry and sad, we also don’t want to lose you. We’ve lost enough. So please, check in. Ask how to be present without showy. Be sensitive but not absent. Ask what we want to hear. What pictures of your babies we want to see. It may change day to day. And hopefully someday, we can all have earthside kids who play together.

My beautiful place setting at the baby loss event, with free books, a bracelet for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, and of course the dates with the most important spaces in my heart.
The mandala I painted, they provided all of the supplies and instruction and frame.
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Big City Living

Halloween Pub Crawl 2017

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Reporting live with the 2nd day of my hangover still slammin’ in my head like a terrible rock cover band at 3 am. I can barely open my eyes in the blinding light of the sun, and a credit card is missing from wallet, which means I OBVIOUSLY had an amazing time on the annual Halloween Pub Crawl 2017.

The Halloween Pub Crawl was not my original idea, I used to be a lowly participant on my best friend’s family’s Crawl. She comes from a big Irish Catholic family with 5 brothers and sisters, and innumerable cousins, so there were always enough people for an entire pub crawl just by inviting the family. Since then, my best friend moved away, and her cousins are less likely to hang out with me without her. (I’m still hanging out with her aunt et al. this upcoming weekend for the NY Marathon, more on that coming next week). Anyway, now that all of my friends expect a Halloween bar crawl, the organizing is left up to me. This year, Facebook invitations went out in August, as is necessary with our crazy New York schedules. I invited about 85 people, and made sure the group was open for friends of friends to invite people. Overall, we ended up with 103 invited, and about 50 people showed up. Not a single member of my family. Not bad!

For the past three years, I have been organizing the Crawl by myself and the last two years I planned it to be held on 14th Street, from west to east. This year, I decided to go old school to the Lower East Side. It’s annoying to get there on the subway from the Upper West Side, but #WorthIt because you only have to walk approximately 15 steps to get to another bar. Also, the looks we got on the subway were priceless. I was a gumball machine, but I think a little kid thought I was a clown and he had a minor breakdown when his mom told him to sit next to me.

5 days before the Crawl, I published the google map of our route, which included walking directions AND my own notes about drink specials. I tried to only pick places with major drink specials, since this was a marathon, not a sprint. I took out $100 cash and hoped for the best.

I won’t recount the whole pub crawl because it would be boring. Also because I remember less and less as the day goes on. But ultimately, we hit 11 bars over the course of 8 hours, and I had 16 drinks and bought three slices of Artichoke Pizza (LET ME LIVE!!) for $114. Not bad!!

This is the link to the original pub crawl map. And here are the bars we actually went to, not in exact order, necessarily, because my memory fails me:

  • The Grayson
  • Double Down Saloon
  • The Hairy Lemon
  • Mama’s
  • Ace Bar
  • Rue B
  • 7B
  • Bua
  • 11th Street Bar
  • B Side
  • HorseBox
  • Planet Rose

We started at the Grayson, and as usually I was running about 30 minutes late. I knew it would be an all-day event, so I figured it would be fine. Sure enough, we arrived and we were the first ones there! Grayson is a Wisconsin bar, which I did not know (Go Badgers!), but that worked to our advantage because they had $5 well drinks and an amazing DJ spinning live during commercials and time outs. There were a lot of time outs. I originally picked this bar because it had $5 mimosas, and I thought that would be a good way to easeee into the day of drinking, but instead I had one cider and switched straight to gin, which I would continue to drink for 9 more hours. We waited for 3 more people to arrive then walked one block away to the next bar, Double Down. Drink Count: 2.

Bar #2 and my memory already starts to fade. Why? Because the bar had 2-for-one happy hour, with well drinks = $6 (aka, $3 each), and the bartender was pregnant. Again you may ask, why does this matter? Well, because I think she was pouring all of the alcohol she couldn’t drink into our cups. But hey, I’m not complaining! We stayed at Double Down for over an hour because the drinks were incredibly cheap and because they had an awesome outdoor area and the weather Saturday was to die for! By the time we went to the next bar, we officially had 17 people on the crawl and it was in full swing. We wanted to switch to a bar with TVs so we could watch the Gator Game. HUGE mistake. Double Down has TV’s, but they only play porn. I’m not kidding. Drink Count: 5.

Anyway, we went to go to Hairy Lemon (the old Croxley’s), but we quickly found out by the overflow crowd on the sidewalk that Hairy Lemon is a Penn State Bar, and they are much better at football than UF this year. We vetoed Hairy Lemon. Luckily, this was the Lower East Side, and there was another bar literally next-door, Mama’s. And that bar next-door had 16 kangaroos in it. Again, not kidding. Only in NYC. We decided it was not an option to hang out with the kangaroos. They agreed to put the Gator game on for us, which was a mistake because we were already losing by nearly 20 points in the first 10 minutes. I decided to distract myself and put on a Kangaroo costume. Then people started to get hungry so we went in search of a bar with food. Drink Count: 6.

We did not find a bar with food. But we DID find another bar, Ace Bar, and they DID let us bring in our own food. A few people got slices of pizza. I did not. But I did have another drink! Drink Count: 7.

More people joined us on the crawl, and my memory of the order of bars gets a bit fuzzy here. At some point we went to 11th Street Bar, we also went to Rue B, and Bua, and we headed (RAN) to HiFi because Happy Hours everywhere were about to end (it was 7:15), but HiFi said online that their happy hour was until 7:30. I clearly needed to get my butt there, since I was only at Drink Count: 12.

Well, joke was on us, the rude bartender told us that actually their website was Fake News and their Happy Hour only went until 7. LAME. We decided we did not want to be patrons for this alternative facts bar, so we left. Drink Count: Still 12.

We headed to Horsebox, where I ultimately must have decided I was not at all done drinking, because instead of paying in cash, like I had been doing all day, I decided to open up a tab. Daddy Warbucks of Gin and Gingers, apparently. This was a stupid move for 2 reasons: A. I definitely did not need drinks 13, 14 and 15. And B. I hadn’t used my card all day, so of course I forgot I had put it down and I left my credit card there. TGFFP. (Thank God For Fraud Protection). My new card should arrive tomorrow. Drink Count: 15.

Slowly, people decided they absolutely NEEDED to sing karaoke, as people always decide after 15 drinks. So began the slow exodus across the street to Planet Rose. Planet Rose is the dingiest and grossest of all karaoke bars in New York, which of course makes it the best. Apparently, you can sing songs there for free during the week, but I’ve only ever been there during the weekend, when it costs $2/song. Luckily, I had some cash left since it was clearly necessary at that point for me to croon Fiona Apple while laying on the probably-bed-bug-infested couch. Drink Count: 16. Karaoke Count: 1 song. Dignity Count: negative.

I managed to find my way, by myself, to Artichoke Pizza, which I had sworn all day I would end the night with. I bought three slices, one for me, one for me the next day (I’m so smart, even when highly inebriated), and one for my boyfriend. Turns out he doesn’t even like Artichoke pizza, so I still have a slice in the fridge 3 days later. If my hangover doesn’t go away by tomorrow, I think I know what I will be having for breakfast.

Overall, a major success. We had almost 50 people. A friend from high school who I hadn’t seen in 15 years came out. My costume was super fun, and comfortable, and I will be posting a DIY on how to make it tomorrow for real Halloween. And best of all, I didn’t die. For all of you New Jerseyans out there, Happy Mischief Night!!

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Travel

Florida and Friends

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3 weeks ago I went to Florida to visit my friends. I left a part of my heart in South Florida, where I grew up, but I never seem to make it there to visit more than once a year. Ever since my family moved to Pennsylvania, I have felt a bit like a kid with separated parents – splitting my time and my holidays between my blood-family and my second-family, my Florida friends! I won’t recount my entire trip here because it would take forever, and also because it was mostly LOTS of drinking, but I will give you a list of some highlights:

  • Rosh Hashana dinner with my friend’s family at Seasons 52. If you don’t know what Seasons 52 is, it’s basically a calorie-conscious restaurant. This one happens to be in East Boca Raton, which means it’s the most calorie-conscious franchise around. The whole menu has the calories on it (luckily the cocktails don’t), and you’re likely to hear nobody order directly off of the menu. It’s more taboo to order something directly off the menu than it is to get a wedding dress off-the-rack. GASP. You absolutely must always use the menu only as a starting-off point, then make sure to make at least 4 substitutions, and order at least 2 of the 4 ingredients on the side. Light on the dressing. 3 drops, not 4. My friend ordered a Bourbon Bramble with Vodka, and apologized 3 times for the liquor substitution. Our server promptly told us that it was the simplest order he had all day.
  • The beach. I love the beach. Waves, warm water, sand in my butt. Ok, maybe not the last one.
  • Chivalry! I almost forgot the concept after living in Florida for so long. I think I may have touched on this in my blog about things I forgot about Florida, but I had to mention it again here. Actually, maybe I didn’t mention it. But you should still read that blog. There were so many chairs given up for me that I lost count. And not only are drinks drastically less expensive in Florida, but they are often free because guys buy them for you. What a fantastic world we live in.
  • Visiting a Rothschild mansion. One of my friend’s friends is the caretaker for an amazing mansion owned by the Rothschilds. They only rent it out 5 days/month, and the rest of the time it is hers! We went over there and got the grand tour. And took photos, because duh.
  • Bru’s Room. I freaking love that place. I dream about their mozzarella wedges. I’m actually surprised I didn’t take a photo of them. I’ll let you imagine them instead – picture this: Mozzarella Sticks, but larger, with more cheese, and stretchier. And then more delicious warm cheese. And did I mention that Bru’s Room also has $5 Skyy doubles? I think I made money just traveling to Florida.
  • Pollo Tropical (I love food, ok?). The main highlight of my trip (besides, of course, seeing my friends), was going to Pollo Tropical. Not just going, but bribing my Uber driver to take me there after a 5-hour-long Happy Hour. I told our nice driver that I would order him anything off the menu if he would take this detour for us. The max price on that menu is $7.99 so I was confident I’d come out on top for this deal. Sure enough, after ordering 4 TropiChops (the leftovers make for a FANTASTIC hungover breakfast), our Uber driver delivered us to our final destination. Best part??? Uber sent me an email the next morning, apologizing to me for my ride taking “longer than expected” and giving me $5 off my next ride!! That TropiChop paid for itself! God is good! And that curry mustard… y’all, I think there is crack in it. You heard it here first.
  • Watching Florida Football with Floridians. New Yorkers are a lot of things, but they are not big college football fans. They just don’t get it. We spent a full 12 hours eating and watching college football. There’s nothing like it!
  • Brunch: seeing my friends and their kids. It’s crazy to think that my partying friends now have little offspring running around depending on their parenting. But as it often is with kids, they grow up so much in so little time! It’s fun to see them grow up, and I always hope they remember who I am. I got to see everyone at a farewell brunch on the beach and it was amazing.
  • Randomly running into people from high school. Moving to a different state, it’s rare I run into people I have known for a long time. It does happen, though, this city is big, but it’s also small. Anyway, I went to a bar in Delray Beach and I happened to know both of the bartenders! One of them went to my high school, and our last names had us seated next to each other in almost every class. The other one was roommates with my first boyfriend when I was 19.
  • Speaking of boyfriends, the best part of my trip was having my emoji-faced bf surprise me by coming for a day and a half! I was hoping he’d be able to come to Florida to meet all of my friends, but he had been so busy with work, I didn’t think he’d be able to make the trip. Sure enough, the first morning I was in Florida, he told me he had a surprise for me, and told me to check his Google Calendar (yes, we share calendars, we are that couple). First, I thought he meant that he was getting the new iPhone (he had an appointment at the apple store), but then he said “no, look at Saturday!” and I saw that he was going to wake up at the crack of dawn to get in to Fort Lauderdale at 9:30 am. What a guy. I loved having him there, and I’m so glad he got to meet everyone from my formative years. He even got a taste of the South Florida club.
  • Visiting my best friend’s mom. Although some of my friends have left to different corners of the USA, some of their families still live in Florida. I always try to fit in a visit or two. This time, I got to see my bff from high school’s mom and she got to meet my emoji-bf for the first time! He even revealed his face to her. Unfort. you guys don’t get to see it here.

Every time I leave Florida, I feel nostalgic for the days when I went out every night to bars and of course, out dancing until dawn at the club – all those Fitbit steps before there was a such thing as a Fitbit! But my hangover on the last day of the trip proved to me that I may be a bit older than I was back then. It was nice to get back to New York and lay in bed for a week. That is, until my next trip/wedding in North Carolina this past weekend. Blog about that coming soon!

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Travel

Washington, D.C.

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Strap in, this post is a doozy. Last weekend I traveled to Virginia for my cousin’s wedding, and I had a jam-packed 3 days in the Greater Washington D.C. area. I promise to travel to further and more interesting places soon, but for now, this will have to do for the blog.

I arrived on Thursday night, and luckily, my brother, a new DC resident, picked me up from the train station. Unluckily, he was pulled over by the cops on the way, who said that it was illegal to drive through a yellow light. What?! Isn’t that what yellows are for? Anyway, a bit delayed, we changed and went to dinner with his Home Plate Family. What is Home Plate? It’s basically the coolest invention ever, founded and run by the WashU Chancellor’s wife, Risa Zwerling Wrighton. If out of town students at WashU miss home-cooked meals and dinnertime, they can sign up for this program and get matched with a family. My brother’s “family” was even featured on the WashU website 5 years ago! Since my brother was a WashU student for 7 years (8 if you include the gap year), he basically grew up with his “family.” Therefore, we all grew up with them! I have been hearing about my brother’s second mom for almost a decade. He has been attending all of the kids’ recitals, ceremonies, and graduations for years and his “mom” is my favorite part of our family group texts! Anyway, we had a delicious dinner at Lavagna, where I heard about their time at the Newseum, which I absolutely must go to the next time I’m in DC.

After dinner, I met up with a friend from middle/high school, who I hadn’t seen in 3 years. We had a drink and talked for a while, until we realized it was getting late and now we are real adults with jobs and it was a work night. LAME.

The next morning, my brother and his gf and I woke up and went to my brother’s favorite bagel place, Bullfrog Bagels. It was ok, but nothing compared to NYC bagels (don’t tell him I said that). I’m spoiled. After barely digesting, we drove out to Arlington to work out at Orangetheory Fitness with my best friend from college. She is the head trainer for the region, and she definitely gave us a workout! My brother and I wore heartrate monitors so we could compete with each other on the screens. More about the actual workout later, I’ll do a full review. Suffice it to say, we left completely drenched in sweat, and she played one of my fav weekend ramp-up songs, Hello Friday by Jason Derulo and Flo Rida. I promptly added it to all of my playlists (FOLLOW ME ON SPOTIFY!). We took about 100 pictures , some below, some saved for my OTF blog review, then we went home to shower. The afternoon was STEAMY hot. We ate Ethiopian food, then had a few sake bombs to stave off heat exhaustion, as one does. The boomerangs were pretty epic.

We finished packing and headed to the suburb of Reston, VA, where the rest of the wedding weekend popped off. Something to know about my family: we don’t see each other often, but when we do, we have a BLAST! We started Beth and Kenny’s wedding weekend with hors d’ouvres and drinks at American Tap Room, which conveniently was a 3 minute walk from the hotel #DrinksOnDrinksOnDrinks. My uncle put together a slideshow and I had three cameos in it (#winning). I only cried three times. Ok, maybe four. I’m such a sucker for a slideshow! I got to mingle with all of my family, meet some of Kenny’s family for the first time (shoutout to my dance partner Shawna!) and better yet, I got to introduce my mom to the Moscow Mule. Her life is forever changed. We went to Thai food after, because duh, never enough food, and then we went back to the hotel.

 

Meanwhile, my favorite emoji-bf STILL had not arrived! When I got back to the hotel, I found out his flight had been delayed 4 times, then canceled, after he had already been on the plane for an hour! Ultimately, he made it to the hotel by 7 am the next day, without his bag. He took a 3 am Amtrak and managed to piece together a wedding outfit from a tux shirt, a blazer he keeps in his office, and some too-tight slacks (photos below). Don’t worry, we are currently in negotiations for some compensation from Delta. Putting my ESQ. to good use.

Since the bf had barely arrived by the time we were supposed to leave for our Segway tour, I subbed in my brother’s girlfriend for the tour, instead. We had some epic Metro issues; I guess NYC isn’t alone in their #publictransitproblems. But the good news is, we made a new friend on the Metro who we shared an Uber with. Renee, are you out there somewhere? I should have gotten your contact info! Anyway, we embarked on my longest Segway Tour to date, by Bike and Roll DC. We got a Groupon (major tip here for Segway tours), and it was so much fun! Our tour guide Jen was so awesome, I made sure to write a review on Groupon and Trip Advisor. Also, it came with free popsicles and water. We rolled around DC for 2.5 hours with a family from Copenhagen, learning awesome little-known facts and taking a million photos. Did you know, legend has it that the 50 US flags around the Washington Monument were originally supposed to be state flags but the states couldn’t agree on which would be closest to the White House so they are all US flags instead? Did you know that Truman barely got to live in the White House because when he tried to move in, his piano broke through the rotting floor boards? He had to move out while they gutted the whole thing. Some say they approved the plans to add the Truman Balcony (now one of the most-noticeable things on the facade) to commemorate him and make up for the fact that he could barely live there.

After the awesome Segway tour, we headed back to the hotel for a quick dip in the pool, then got ready for the wedding! We took the shuttle bus to the Stone Tower Winery, which was even prettier than the photos. Really, the pictures do not do it justice. And the sunset… woah. Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. I was scared it would be blazing hot (outside wedding in July? NO THANKS), but it wasn’t as bad as I had feared. There was a nice breeze, they had a table with lemon-infused water and champagne to the side of the ceremony, and instead of classic programs, they had the information printed on little fans. Very cute touch.

My cousin looked absolutely amazing, not that I’m biased or anything 😉 She was walked down the aisle by her mom and dad, which I always find sweet. They asked for no phones out during the ceremony, so no photos of that. Also, they wrote their own vows, which is so much more personal. I was listening intently since I was a rule-follower and had put away my phone. I only cried two more times. Okay, three. The officiant was actually their backup officiant, after a particularly gruesome kickball accident, and he totally killed it. Short, sweet, funny, and he could pronounce both of their names! (Trust, me that is not always the case). Both bride and groom added One Direction lyrics to their vows, which was hilarious and amazing and unplanned. They each broke individual glasses, which was a new tradition I had not seen before, but I liked the concept of not just having the guy do it.

The reception was so much fun. The dance floor was poppin’ (extra shoutout to my 88-year-old grandmother who never left the dance floor), there were glow sticks, there was an open bar, and an outdoor patio if you needed a break from the music. The hora was fun, minus a minor chandelier-tiara-head incident, and the toasts were hilarious. I got to sit with my cousins and next to my aunt and uncle. The craziest thing that happened all night: someone from the same floor of my college dorm, freshman year, 12 years ago, recognized me! She is married to a friend of the groom. Craziest small world ever. Things like that do not happen when you go to a school with over 50,000 students. It was so great to see you, Anna!

The real star of the reception was the fire pit and the DIY s’mores. With Reese’s cups! WHAT!? It was amazing. My emoji-bf informed me that since he was an Eagle Scout, I need not show him how to roast a marshmallow. Excusez-moi. We had a sparkler sendoff for the bride and groom, which was a super fun ending to a great night.

Lessons Learned:

  • I have too many friends in DC and I need to visit more often (next time Brittany/Davon/Tahon/Kristina!)
  • Orangetheory will leave me sore for days (ok, already knew that).
  • Segways are amazing (I knew that too).
  • I really like my brother’s gf (don’t screw this up, bro!)
  • I need to get together with my extended family more often.
  • Weddings in July are not always as hot as you’d fear, with enough champagne.
  • The Gator Nation is Everywhere!
  • I need to write shorter blog posts.

Family Photo! One of these things is not like the other hahahha

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Big City Living, Travel

July 4th at Travers Island

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It’s July 10th, so it’s about time to review July 4th. I’m a bit behind. My 4th of July Freedom-Fest came together at the very last minute, but it included all the makings of a fantastic day: a quick getaway from NYC, best friends, a pool, and (most importantly?) unlimited food. Oh, and of course, I can never resist a good theme. I was in red white and blue EVERYTHING, all day, toes to bows, with multiple outfit changes.

My best friend is a member of the New York Athletic Club, an incredibly exclusive social and athletic club in NYC. Memberships are by invitation only, and you need to appear before a membership board for an interview before acceptance. It’s so exclusive, in fact, that they only began admitting women in 1989 (“voluntarily”… after the Supreme Court mandated it and some controversy ensued that it was not a business club, etc. etc.). They have had their share of controversies over admissions and have been picketed by demonstrators by the Congress for Racial Equality. Enough about that history. Read their Wikipedia for more. Anywayyy, I was pretty psyched to get an invite to Travers Island, full-Jew-blood and all.

NYAC has two houses, one in Manhattan (City House), and one in Westchester (Travers Island). I couldn’t wait to explore this country oasis 15 miles from Manhattan. Since my emoji bf had hurt his back the day prior, we made it a girls’ day, and boarded the free shuttle from NYC at 10 am, loaded up with multiple red, white, and blue clothing items, and varying SPF’s of sun protection. Upon boarding the bus I hid my Jew curls, and thanked my stars that my POC bf had stayed at home for fear of the WASP-illuminati. JK. But also really. So many blondes! More than I had ever seen in New York before.

The charter bus ride was quick, and we arrived at this beautiful house on the Long Island Sound, complete with an Olympic-sized salt water pool. There were chairs, beautifully-manicured trees, and young men (boys?) to help us move our chairs to the perfect half sunny/half shady/prime fireworks-viewing position. And yes, it was only 11 am, but we were thinking ahead. Totally paid off. We changed into swimsuits in the huge locker rooms (2nd themed outfit of the day), and sunscreened it up. We spent the day hopping between the huge pool and the buffet BBQ with multiple salads, roasted fennel, hot dogs, hamburgers, and all-you-can-eat popsicles/ice cream bars.

We did a few laps around the pool so we could get some fitbit steps in and burn off maybe one half of one ice cream bar. On one of our laps around the pool, we discovered the kids’ area. We asked around, and found out that we were probably too big for the bouncy water slide, but snow cones and cotton candy were fair game and they opened at 5 pm. They had temporary tattoos as well, but the line was too long (and I was a little embarrassed since most of the 30-year-olds there were accompanied by their own children). We continued our circuit from food to pool to laying out to walking around to kill time, and at 5 pm we circled back to the kids’ area and finally got cotton candy AND snow cones, because go big or go home. Everything was amazing. The sun was still high in the sky, and our unlimited food wristbands included dinner as well. Dinner added seasoned and grilled shrimp skewers, which were AMAZING. I had decided at 1 pm to skip all bread and rolls to save room for more food. Good strategy, worked all day for me. I may be done with #30Years30IceCreams, but I am clearly failing at any attempt I thought I’d make at a diet.

The sun finally started to set at 8:30 pm, and we changed into another dry, red, white, and blue outfit, and parked ourselves on blankets for the 10 pm fireworks. After 20+ rounds of Heads Up!, the best way ever to kill time, we brought out our glow sticks and prepared ourselves for the show. We had seen the pyrotechnics crew at the buffet earlier (the only visible tattoos and facial hair I saw all day) and there were 20 of them, so we were hoping for a great show. We were NOT disappointed. The private show lasted 15 full minutes, and they were some of the closest fireworks I had ever seen! I took at least 4 boomerangs for my insta story (because pics or it didn’t happen), and then we packed up to go. We boarded the VIP shuttle back to the City House, and half-slept/half-watched fireworks along the East River as we drove back into Manhattan. 9 hot dogs, 5 shrimp skewers, lots of tan lines, and innumerable trips to the bathroom later, I’d say we had a fantastic day. We didn’t even have one drink! It was real American clean fun. Until next year, maybe they’ll allow emoji-humans entry to NYAC by then. U-S-A! U-S-A!

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Food

The Scooper Bowl

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Yesterday I went to the Scooper Bowl for unlimited ice cream. I’ve never fancied myself to be a competitive eater, but yesterday was both a race against the clock, and a race against the physical capacity of a human stomach. I lasted more than 5 hours, and I’m pretty dang proud of myself. Also, I feel like did a great thing for the world because it was a fundraiser. Win-Win!

The Scooper Bowl is the nation’s largest all-you-can-eat ice cream festival, co-benefiting The Jimmy Fund and the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. It began in 1983 in Boston, and according to their website, thanks to generous contributions from the largest ice cream companies in the nation, the Scooper Bowl has raised more than $5 million in the past 33 years for cancer research and patient care at the world-renowned Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. The most amazing part, ice cream companies donate all the ice cream, labor, scoopers, and products needed to make the event happen each year.

I heard about this amazing event because, as you probably already know, I have been on an epic ice cream journey, #30Years30IceCreams. I officially have 2 days left out of 30. If you haven’t read about Week 1, Week 2, or Week 3 yet, get to reading! I will be posting more about the actual ice cream and flavors in my Week 4 update, but for now, more about how I managed to eat ice cream for 5 hours straight, because there WAS a method to the madness. I was a woMAN WITH A PLAN.

The Scooper Bowl is a 3-day event, Thursday through Saturday, and tickets were only 20 dollars per day in advance (plus a processing fee), or 25 dollars at the door. I honestly was not planning to go. The LAST thing I needed after 27 days of nonstop ice cream, was UNLIMITED ICE CREAM. I heard about it through creepy internet cookies; since I have been posting ice cream-related posts for weeks now, I was the prime advertising target. It was showing up in my Instagram feed, Facebook advertisements, dreams, etc. And when other people started to hear about it, they were forwarding me the link via Instagram direct messages, Facebook messages, and multiple people posted it to my Facebook wall! The writing was literally on the wall: I HAD TO GO.

The ultimate deciding factor: my cousin texted me from Washington D.C. and said that her friend who just moved to NYC was looking for a friend to go with. I can’t say no to a blind friend date. I mean hello, perfect blog material! Here’s how you should prepare for an AYCE ice cream festival: go to the gym and don’t eat anything else. Here’s how I prepared: laid in bed eating and watching Sex and the City. Oops. Mistake #1.

My blind friend date couldn’t make it to the festival until 5:45, but the festival started at 1 pm, and I wasn’t about to miss out on all of those hours of ice cream, so I met some other friends there at 3 pm. I hadn’t seen those friends in years, so we had plenty to chat about while stuffing our faces with sweets. I arrived and scoped the scene: 8 vendors, 3-4 flavors per vendor, total of about 30 flavors to try. The flavor list had been released a few days prior, so I had an idea what I was in for, but I did a quick survey to double check. Vendors: Baskin-Robbins, Ben & Jerry’s, Breyers, Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, DF Mavens, Graeter’s, Häagen-Dazs, and Vice Cream.

I went to Haagen-Dazs first, because they had adorable mini little single-serve cups. They even had little spoons inside the tops! I was drawn to this in the same way I can spend hours in CVS looking at the mini toiletries. However, this was MISTAKE #2: there was a lot of ice cream in those thingies! I was almost full and I had ONE flavor at ONE vendor! I never went back to that stand, but I did get some great photos.

I was intrigued by DF Mavens, which is vegan and completely dairy free (hence, DF). They used to have a shop in the East Village, and they were on my original list for #30Years30IceCreams, but they closed last year! I was excited to get to try it. I actually loved it! I liked the nutty flavor, but even more than the creamy ones, I was excited that they had a raspberry sorbet and mango creamicle flavor. After approximately 15 mini cup servings of dairy, it was a welcome palette-cleanser. They also had a great key lime flavor with chunks of pie crust in it, but more on the particular flavors in my Week 4 update.

By 4 pm, my friends and I tried and/or grabbed one flavor at each of the vendors, then we decided we needed a break. There was no reentry allowed if you left, so we found a little corner to sit on the ground and digest/eat the cups we had in our hands. We made friends who had the same idea as we did, but they were better prepared with a sheet to sit on. We chatted with our new friends, and a guy who was volunteering at the event who happened to go to UF! The Gator Nation really is everywhere. Every 30 minutes or so, we got up and did another lap to try more flavors and get in some FitBit steps. Our new friends loved free swag and somehow managed to snag us Volunteer shirts from the event, Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors shirts AND awesome Yankees hats! We did a bit of volunteering, since our picnic area was by the staff exit, and we had to keep telling people it was not an exit. “Not an exit.” “Not an exit.” “This isn’t an exit.” “Where do you exit? Um, do you remember where you came in? Try there.” Totally worth the shirt. It’s a 2XL, but it was super comfy to sleep in last night. And the best part of the shirt? Even though there was technically no reentry, if you were a volunteer, you could come and go as you pleased! SCORE.

However, I didn’t leave at all. 4 hours in, it neared time for my blind friend date. I was nervous! What if the girl wasn’t cool and I was stuck with her in icecreamland? Good news, we could always not talk and just eat. Plus, by this point I was a certified ice cream connoisseur (and half-event-staff) so I knew where to show her to the best flavors. My date showed up at 6, and we spent another 2+ hours sampling and taking photos. Good news, she was awesome! Bad news, I was incredibly full. Also bad news, Brooklyn Ice Cream ran out of Blueberry ice cream and ran out of mini cones and open-faced ice cream sandwiches by the time my new friend arrived. Good thing I had taken photos before! The two rookie mistakes I saw (and was able to warn my new friend against): Do NOT take the cup with the largest scoop and do NOT waste stomach room on flavors like vanilla and chocolate! Lamezilla! Why would you do that when you could get L’Orange A Trois, vanilla ice cream with orange ripple, milk, white AND dark chocolate chunks?!

Speaking of, that flavor was from my favorite brand of the day by far: Vice Cream. I hadn’t heard of them before, since they are new to New York (sold in Key Foods!), but the best part, besides the amazing, decadent flavors, was their story! Dan Schorr, founder of Vice Cream (who I also got a photo with, score!), had a goal to reintroduce true INDULGENCE into ice cream. No vegan, gluten-free crap. Schorr didn’t always believe in indulging, but in April 2014, he was diagnosed with lymphoma and given three months to live if untreated. “I ate really well, I ran every day, and I got cancer,” he said. “We think we can bring new consumers back to indulgent super-premium ice cream and give them permission to live life,” Schorr said. Oh, and did I mention that he is now #CANCERFREE?! And hilarious! Check out his blog, Humor with a Tumor! He was wearing a shirt that said “Don’t Be Such a Vanilla.” AMEN to that. Plus, their slogan is “Live Life, Dig In.” I can’t disagree with that.

Overall, 5+ hours of ice cream eating later, one blind friend date, 2 free t-shirts and a free hat later, I would say it was a great success. Also, as I was leaving, I happened to be in the most perfect position to see Manhattanhenge! That never happens. Watch out for the Week 4 recap of #30Years30IceCreams coming at you this week!! There’s no such thing as a cheat day, it’s just calling living. But I did run 6 miles this morning to try and make up for yesterday. #Balance #Blessed 😉

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