I have been spending a lot of time at the gym, specifically Orangetheory. Many articles will tell you different statistics about how many people give up on their News Year Resolutions within 2/4/6 weeks, but no matter what you read, that means the people still sticking around on February 17th are likely there for the long haul. And unfortunately… I HATE SOME OF Y’ALL.
Here are a few categories of people I wish would quit the gym.
Unnecessary Noise People
Why? Honestly, is it necessary? Because I see you lifting half the weight as me, and there is no reason for you to be grunting. If your weight choice is actually so difficult that your body releases an uncontrollable sound every time, perhaps you need to scale back. Now, let’s talk a little about jumping noises, too. I do not mean the actually sound of jumping. I mean the tiny little yelp that is 100% unnecessary every time you jump side to side or forward and back. There is someone who does this every class. I (kindly) call her “bird sex girl” because it sounds like a teeny tiny parakeet having vigorous reproductive fun for 30 seconds at a time. Once, I was on the treadmill as it was going on, and I thought it was a malfunction on my treadmill and the belt was coming loose but no, bird sex on the floor behind me.
People Who Won’t Swallow Their Water
You heard it here first: water is for hydration. Groundbreaking. Things water is not for: stagnant mouth-holding. Teeth-cleaning. Swishing around. This one is just extra disgusting to me. Why are you walking around the studio with your mouth full of bacteria-laden liquid? It makes no sense. What if someone accidentally knocks you? What happens to the water, then? Just take the water in your mouth and swallow it. This requires no additional explanation.
Every-Weight-In-This-Gym-Is-Mine People
It’s happened to me too – the coach explains an exercise, and you realize you want a 20-pound weight, but your rack doesn’t have one. What do you do? Look around, maybe ask a neighbor to borrow, or just attempt a lower weight with more reps or a higher weight with less reps. What do you not do? Go to someone else’s weight rack and just grab a few. Do you have no home training? If something is not yours, you ask permission. With a “please” and a “may I?” I learned that in kindergarten playing “Mother, may I?” The second these people hit the weight floor it’s like all common courtesy leaves their mind as they are only thinking “MUST FIND A 20-POUND DUMBELL ASAP.” Come on, guys, be normal.
Chatty Cathys
Surprisingly, this is usually the men. They come with their bros and love to just ham it up picking the largest weights on the rack, and usually do the exercises incorrectly. You may be curious how they are doing the exercise wrong when the coach demos every single exercise and little video-people are also demo-ing on the screens all around the room. Well… it’s because they’re too busy chit-chatting to watch a demo, and they think they know best. Don’t get me wrong, I love to work out with a friend. It’s way more fun to have a buddy in class, to shoot “kill me” looks at them when the coach casually throws 10 burpees into a workout. I even sing along to the playlist (often) and congratulate my treadmill-neighbors when they hit a top speed on an all-out. But don’t talk over a demo, it’s disrespectful to the coach and the other participants.
Forrest Gump
Run, Forrest, Run!!! But actually, please don’t. One of the main tenets of Orangetheory is that you’re supposed to keep your heart in the orange zone, not run as fast and as hard as you can the entire time. Each day’s template is designed to maximize your effort and include recoveries. The coach should not need to come over to you 6 times to tell you to stop running. Usually in class while you are walking, the coach is speaking and explaining the next block. If you are running, your treadmill is loud and no one else can hear. And who are you really showing off to? No one cares and it is not a race. There are no medals. If you really want to run nonstop, there are miles and miles of street throughout New York City. In fact, the studio is only one block from Central Park! SEE YA.
The Ones Who Forgot Their Shirts
I admit, most of this is jealousy. I wish I had A. the confidence to not wear a shirt in public and B. the boobs to carry it off. I will be honest, my jealousy distracts me. I love a good matching gym set, but when I just see boobs out of the corner of my eye, it’s hard to look away. I can’t even shame though because honestly, they usually look good. Maybe after all of these weeks at Orangetheory I’ll feel confident without a shirt, too. And the best part – it’s less laundry!
Smelly People
I understand we all didn’t leave our houses for over a year. At home, it didn’t matter if you stank. No one was there to judge you. All the way back in July 2020, they reported that deodorant sales plummeted and ice cream sales soared. Maybe you never raised your arms at home because you sat at your laptop all day. Maybe you didn’t realize that your dog stopped hanging around by your desk. But you absolutely need to be self-aware again if you plan on working out vigorously in close proximity to other humans. A mask can only help incrementally. Unless the entire membership of Orangetheory gets symptomatic Covid and collectively loses their sense of smell simultaneously, you absolutely must do something about it. And until you do, I will give you the stink eye (literally) every time you do an overhead press.
There are probably some annoying people I missed, let me know in the comments.
Last week I posted about the types of classes and instructors that annoyed me, but this week, I am going to write about something more positive and more useful – the workouts I love!
Specifically, below I will link you to my favorite instructors and classes, and I’ll give you the quick rundown for why they are simply the best during quarantine. This post is a doozy, I apologize for my verbosity. Bookmark it and come back to it when you’re ready to work out!
RECAP from last week. Things you will not find in my recommendations: instructors who yell at you or call you out. Things you will find: positive rays of light with fun, engaging workouts and BOMB playlists. Here we go!
When to find him: 5 pm ET, varies by week but usually always Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and they stay up on his IG for 24 hours after. After that, you’re out of luck, they aren’t saved anywhere.
What you can expect: The most fun dance party ever. He doesn’t even call it a workout, he calls it a party and that’s exactly what it is. But you will also burn calories, get a sweat on, and have a hell of a time. The party usually lasts 30-40 minutes, begins with a warm-up, and then goes into 4-5 semi-choreographed routines. They include moves like “sprinkler,” “Tiger King,” “Robot,” and “Clap for the doctors cheer for the nurses.” There are also more conventional moves like grapevines. He has a few signature phrases like “bake those cakes, put those cakes in the oven” (aka squats) and “pump it for Jesus” (aka body rolls).
His wardrobe is UNMATCHED. I’m talking rainbow EXTRAVAGANZA. Crop tops, cutoff shorts, and neon leotards. And every live usually concludes with a wig-change and confetti. There are rainbow flags, capes, fans, disco balls, you name it. It is a legit CELEBRATION.
My favorite part of his workout is his ATTITUDE. OMG y’all, Mark comes to SLAY. His huge laugh makes me laugh. He smiles the entire times as he switches sunglasses 7 times. He tells us “you are enough,” “you are KILLING it.” He is very honest about mental health and sometimes admits when he is having a hard day. He says “it’s ok to not be ok,” and always reminds us to “be gentle to ourselves.” There are no expectations. He always says that if you feel like just watching and sitting on the couch, that’s ok too. But within 3 minutes, you’ll be up because his energy is contagious.
I should warn you he’s usually 5-7 minutes late, but y’all, he’s doing this FOR FREE so I cut him some slack.
This reminds me, his workouts are 100% free but he mentioned his Venmo/Paypal for the first time last week. Since his parties are the best part of my day and I have danced with him about 45 times since quarantine began (he used to have dance parties 7 days a week), I sent him a donation. It is by no means expected but if you feel inclined, I’m sure he would appreciate it. The photo below is all from one single dance party. And it wasn’t even all of his costume changes!
When to find her: IG Live is sporadic whenever she feels like popping on (more on that below), but her subscription and Youtube videos are available whenever.
What you can expect: Positivity and smiles that you can’t help but smile along to. Specifically, she is known for her dance cardio workouts and jump rope workouts. Her tagline is “Jump Skip Smile” and she does just that. She has recently gone a bit viral because of her unfortunate circumstances – her husband, a famous Broadway actor Nick Cordero, was in a coma from Covid-19 for more than a month and he had his leg amputated (Hashtag: #WakeUpNick) The AMAZING news is that he is showing signs of waking up and things are looking up! (Hashtag: #NickIsWOKE) Why do I share this? Because despite her husband’s illness and her 10-month-old, adorable baby named Elvis, she has continued to be positive, and has continued to jump, skip and smile. Her daily Instagram reminders to move our bodies and to not take a single day for granted has been great motivation for me. She never yells, just encourages. And every day that she has great news about her husband Nick, she goes on Instagram Live and teaches fitness classes to “give back” to the world for all of our support. One time she did a 35 minute dance class that I loved so much I did it twice and screen recorded it before it disappeared from her Instagram Story. I’ve done it twice again since then!
She is also known for her “Dancer Arms” series, which I have been doing every day for 3 weeks. Only done to one song (5 minutes or less), I dare you to attempt getting through an entire song without dropping your arms. 3 weeks in and I am FINALLY getting there! You can find them on her IGTV, Youtube or subscription service. Anyone has time for 5 minutes! Sometimes I do it before bed when I’m already in PJs!
Here’s a jump rope workout. She even sells her own ropes that say Jump Skip Smile on the handles.
She has a GoFundMe page for her husband, and I feel like I am giving back to her by subscribing to her workout service. It’s only $9.99/month. To be honest, I haven’t used her subscription much, but I use her Youtube and IGTV videos constantly.
The Fitness Marshall
Where to find him: Youtube for free single song workouts, or you can join the Booty Army (lol) with 60-minute workouts and membership prices go from $4.99/month to $14.99. The more expensive tier includes 60-minute sweat seshes with 15 songs each!
When to find him: Whenever you want!
What you can expect: SUPER cardio and FUN choreographed dances. These are actual dancers so some of the moves may be fast or tricky, but he has a lot of modifications for all fitness level and his energy is amazing! Also, great for all body types and fitness levels, very empowering, and you can just do a single song at a time for a 4-minute cardio blast! He has a few toning videos, too, but he’s mostly known for his cardio.
Here’s a playlist for a “full sweat set” aka 13 songs to make a full workout!
305 Fitness
Where to find it: Mostly Youtube, (search 305 Fitness), but they are EVERYWHERE. Even Tik Tok.
When to find it: LIVE daily at 8 am and 12 pm ET. But they also keep these up on their Youtube channel so you can do them whenever! There are so many videos up there both from before Quarantine taped in their studio, and from recent, usually taped in the founder, Sadie Kurzban’s, backyard. Look out for the cameos when her husband joins her, pretty funny.
What you can expect: Heart-pumping cardio fun and toning. It is usually a combo of 15-20 mins of nonstop cardio, then adding some toning, then a choreographed hip hop section. And they always have BOMB playlists. They do a lot of theme playlists, and usually you can expect some bad words (beware for kids). But they also have some for kids, like today they did a Disney theme! Highly recommend if you want to engage with the instructor in the comments and feel like you’re back at the gym. So many options to join in live!
Katie Austin
Where to find her: Instagram @KatieAustin and Youtube Katie Austin, and she does LOVE Tik Tok, too, but not really for workouts. She also has her own app! There is a 7-day free trial, and then it is $9.99/month. Her Youtube and Instagram are FREE though.
When to find her: Live Schedule varies, but if you go to her IGTV or Youtube, you can find a PLETHORA of workouts in the vault and play them as many times as you want.
What you can expect: On Youtube, she has everything from light body weight toning, abs and booty, to barre, to cardio dance and retro workouts. Her name may sound familiar… remember Denise Austin? Aerobics queen from the 80’s?? Well Katie is her daughter! Denise still looks AMAZING (“all natural!” as Katie always reminds you) and last week for Mother’s Day, they posted daily workout videos together. Speaking of Denise, you can follow her on Youtube, too, for low-impact aerobics and more videos with Katie. My favorite part of Denise’s workouts is her super-throwback phrases like “waistline trimmer” moves and when doing glute toning exercises, she says, “Squeeze!! If you don’t squeeze it, no one else will!” CRINGE but also LOL.
I personally don’t subscribe to Katie’s app, but if you do, you’ll find even more content there including workout videos, a daily workout calendar, recipes, challenges, etc.
Peloton
Where to find it: They have their own app! You can follow workouts on the computer or phone/tablet. Also, they had a 90-day free trial at the start of quarantine but I think it may be back down to 30 days. Take advantage! After that, it is $12.99/month.
When to find it: Classes are available to stream 24/7. The instructors are now streaming live from their homes, but the tech issues abound. I highly recommend their on-demand classes from BC (Before Covid), there are thousands.
What you can expect: Professional quality filming, SUPER fit and attractive instructors, and a little bit of everything!! This is not just about their super expensive bike. They have toning, tabata, stretching, yoga, outdoor coached runs, treadmill workouts, and dance cardio! As you can probably sense from above, I have been mostly doing the dance cardio, but one day I had 10 minutes between calls and did a KILLED HIIT workout. I was panting and dripping by my second call. Many of their workouts require 0 equipment. Perfect for quarantine! The bets part of Peloton is the production value. They literally base their business model from streaming. Their recent classes from instructors’ homes are pretty bad, but the ones from BC are awesome! No Zoom glitches, perfectly clear cuing, and some classes have live DJs spinning!
When to find them: 24/7, or whenever you don’t annoy your downstairs neighbor with your stomping
What you can expect: A workout for your body and your mind. Step is not for the uncoordinated. It is SO fun to be mentally challenged in a workout in quarantine. It is the only way I can take my mind off of the outside world. One hour classes pass in the flash of an eye. Or is that just sweat in my contacts…
But for real, my favorite thing about quarantine has been rediscovering Step. I used to own a step when I lived in Florida, but in my tinyhome aka NYC apartment, it’s not really an option. The first week I “moved” to Texas for quarantine, I considered buying a step and it seemed like a crazy $55 purchase but I took the leap and I have never been more happy with a purchase. I use it at least two times a week, and with Texas getting hotter every day, I will probably use it even more!
My favorite instructor on Youtube is Kat Gates-Buettner. Her advanced routines are SERIOUSLY advanced. I taught step for years and even I am a little confused by them. That said, it’s a great way to make time fly. She also has basic workouts and even did one using a doormat for people without a step in their homes or with bad knees. HIGHLY recommend. There are other instructors with great step routines on Youtube, too, but it may take some culling. Here’s another great one.
I also started using the BurnAlong App because my favorite instructor of all time (and friend), Judy Bremner is on there. BurnAlong has a 30 day free trial, and is $14.99/month after. If you get the free trial or membership, search for her. I used to take her classes at LA Fitness when I lived in Florida, and one of my favorite things about quarantine is taking her classes again! Don’t forget to follow, rate and review, that’s how instructors make money! I watch on my laptop not on my phone so it is easier to see.
If you’ve made it this far, you may have used up all of your time you had set aside to work out today. But bookmark this page and check out the workouts tomorrow or this weekend. Let me know in the comments what you think. Also, let me know if I’m missing any of your favorite workouts! I’m always up to try something new. But remember my ground rules, no yelling, only laughing and sweating.
As a fitness instructor, this quarantine is hitting me hard. Not only am I losing hundreds of dollars every month the gym is closed, I’m losing hours of moving my body and I’m missing a critical part of my social life at the gym. All of these things have had an effect on my physical and emotional health, but what I’ve found has affected me most is the loss of my gym crew. I MISS PEOPLE! I love teaching fitness classes, I find joy in helping people meet their fitness goals, choosing news songs for playlists, catching up with the same people twice a week, and sweating out the stress of the day.
And I’m writing this blog so that you can learn from me and you don’t need to do your own research. The first few weeks of quarantine I was struggling to find a balance between work, fitness, and happiness, and I am still working on it. Work is incredibly overwhelming, stressful, time-consuming and emotionally draining, and that’s why finding my niche with at-home workouts was even more important to me. I tried a lot of different things – types of fitness I hated and loved, formats of classes I hated and loved, and instructors I hated and loved. I have so much to say that I’m splitting this post into two parts. First, more generalized types of classes and instructors I love, and later this week, my actual favorite classes and links to where you can find them.
I was especially motivated to write this post now because I follow so many instructors and gyms on social media and most of them have been IRKING me. I discovered the joy of working out in college, but I didn’t always look at it in a healthy way. There was a time in college where I counted every calorie going into my body and every minute on the elliptical. I was at the gym 5 hours a day. Psychologists agree that one factor that impacts disordered eating is a sense of control. When other things in people’s lives feel out of control, eating and exercise are two things that can easily be monitored and controlled. And that is why so many fitness instructors and “fitfluencers” now are annoying the hell out of me.
Things are HARD right now. Stressful. Uncertain. But fitness instructors should not be capitalizing on that to sell classes. I understand that fitness instructors whose livelihoods are depending now on online classes seem OBSESSED with proving that their programs create results, visible abs, visible biceps, etc. But I worry that people see these milestones and feel like it is the only goal to strive toward. With vacations and plans canceled for months, people are looking for things to aim for. And more time on their hands, all they need to do is take 4 fitness classes a day and they can get abs! YIPPEE! Great goal! I see people gloating about “tripling” (i.e. taking 3 classes in a day). This is not something to gloat about. I have been there, that’s how I know. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t create goals for yourself, or set something to strive for during these crazy times. But the unhealthy way I see it portrayed on Instagram is troubling me.
This is not a post about disordered eating or disordered working out, it’s about how I came to find joy in the endorphins of working out, how I am finding that joy during quarantine.
I already told you the main thing I am missing from the gym is my people, so it may seem counter-intuitive that the first thing I am recommending is a solo activity… RUNNING! I know, I know, you never thought you’d hear this from me; I literally own a shirt that says “I hate running.” I recently wrote about my January run streak and how I’d never do it again. But I can’t stress how much fresh air and alone time can help elevate my mood. I have been running often with my fiance’s sister. We run a couple times per week together. But when I am feeling really down, I have been lacing up my shoes, cuing up a playlist of my favorite jams, and taking it to the streets alone. As much as I love my fiancé and his family, it can be nice to quiet my mind and surroundings for an hour.
I have had many friends and strangers tell me they wished they could run, but they can’t run more than a few minutes without giving up. They ask what the secret is and it’s simple – just run as long as you want! And when you want to stop to walk, do that. Especially during these crazy times, adding extra pressure on yourself is not going to help anything. Just get outside, breathe fresh air, listen to some awesome music, or podcast, or audiobook, and stop when you want. Or don’t. It reminds me of the Forrest Gump quote:
That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d run to the end of the town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I’d just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since run this far, maybe I’d just run across the great state of Alabama. And that’s what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on goin’. – Forrest Gump
But not everyone wants to run or walk. And soon it’ll be way too hot in Texas for me to run, too. The only way some people will work out is when someone is giving them structured advice in the form of a class. The great news is, there has never been a better array of classes available online. But that doesn’t mean they are all equal.
Here’s the type of instructor I do NOT want to be anywhere near during quarantine: Anyone who yells. Period. Do not tell me I can do 15 more squats. You don’t know what I went through today. You don’t know that I spoke to someone who lost both of their parents this month and took a 20% pay cut that day despite having two mortgages because they can’t sell their current house in this market. Maybe today I can’t do 15 more squats. And do NOT tell me that I need to turn my video on for Zoom. I have my video on for Zoom ALL DAY for work. If I don’t feel like having someone watch my form today, then I will leave your class. And guess what, I have done that! Now is not the time to waste energy on things that bring me down and not up. Which brings me to my next point.
Here’s the type of instructor I DO want to be near during quarantine: Someone who smiles. Someone who says, “we’re in this together.” Someone who says, “I had a hard day today, but I’m so glad we’re here together now.” Someone who says, “have FUN!”
Now let’s talk a little about class format. Technology can be hard. I get it. There will be tech problems. But Zoom workouts??? It’s a HARD PASS for me. I have tried a couple different classes on Zoom and WebEx, ALL BAD. Every. Single. One. As a fitness instructor, ex-musician and ex-dancer, music matters. Music must go with moves. I am not an AMRAP girl. I am an 8-count girl. Nothing irks me more than an instructor who cannot count. So, if an instructor is counting but the beat doesn’t match with the voice, I will leave. I left 3 BollyX classes because I was so frustrated. I left a bootcamp class. One class I stayed in, but I put my own music on from Spotify. Now, if I sign up for a class and I see it is taking place on Zoom, I just don’t go. I may lose money but it’s not worth the stress and frustration.
That still leaves a lot of options, though! Instagram Live, Facebook Live, Peloton, BurnAlong and Youtube! None of those options allow the instructor to see you, so it’s less interactive, but you can still leave comments. Also another benefit, no one can yell at you because they can’t see you!
I will post later this week about my favorite instructors and formats during this time. Spoiler alert: it’s a lot of dance cardio, workouts I can get lost in where time passes quickly, and instructors who focus on positivity and fun. I sent an extensive list of links to my great aunt and she has been dancing and Zumba-ing around her house for a month. I can’t wait to tell you all about my favorite online offerings so we can do them “together!”
As many of you probably know, I have been teaching fitness classes for 13 years. My favorite workout of all time is step aerobics, but I have mainly been teaching Spinning classes for the past 5 years.
I run sometimes but I largely hate it. Remember when I ran a marathon? LOL #NeverAgain
But guess what??? The gyms are closed. Indefinitely. Who knows when we will take another group fitness class?? No spin, no step, no nothing. So I have taken my talents to the pavement and I have started running again. A lot.
This blog post isn’t about my current running, though, it’s about my January running! Remember January? It was about 19 years ago. Or it feels like it. Anyway, my current return to running reminded me of a blog I meant to write after I completed a run streak in January.
At the beginning of each year, I put multiple goals in my Bullet Journal for the year. One of my Fitness Goals this year was to complete a month-long run streak. Run streaks have become more popular over the years, but I never attempted one because I have always had so many other fitness things going on, from teaching classes, to going to boot camps, training for races, etc. According to Runner’s World,
“a run streak simply means running on consecutive days, for a set period of time, without fail. The rules are simple: you set your intended timeframe, and then all you have to do is run (most runners opt for a minimum of one mile) every single day. Your run streak can be for weeks, months, or for the exceptionally committed runner, forever.”
Well, ladies and gents, there was no way I was doing that craziness for a full year. I wanted to be realistic, so my goal was one uninterrupted month. This year, with no marathon on the calendar and only teaching 2 classes per week, it was the perfect time to attempt a streak (with my clothes on). I figured, why put it off? Let’s start in January. Better yet, I got a head start and began on December 31st.
And guess what? For someone who had semi-recently run 26.2 miles, running 1 mile was still TOUGH!
Always with the #fastbraids and on-brand shirts.
Even though I generally work out a lot, I always allow myself one rest day per week, sometimes two. The difference between one rest day and zero was way more noticeable than I thought it would be. Also, I had to add the mile on to my already existing workouts. On Mondays and Thursdays, I got to the gym early for my spin class and hopped on the treadmill for a warmup mile. The mile itself wasn’t terrible, but Spin class afterward was way more difficult. I even adjusted my settings sometimes (Shhh! Don’t tell).
On Wednesdays and Fridays when I went to 7:00 am boot camp at the gym half a mile away, I left the house 5 minutes earlier and ran out of the way to make it a fulll mile before I got there. 7:00 am circuit training is never a cake walk but after a mile? Even harder.
And let’s not even talk about the few days when it was pouring rain. You know how people say “you can do anything for 10 minutes?” That was how I finally wrapped my brain around taking my butt off the couch and into a torrential downpour. I put my phone in a Ziploc bag and hit the pavement for 10 minutes. It was not easy.
Overall, I guess I’m glad I did it but I probably wouldn’t do it again. I only totaled about 45 miles, since I was rarely running more than 1 mile a day. I prefer what I’m doing now, which is a longer distance, taking walking breaks when I want, and taking days off when my legs feel like it.
For people who struggle with motivation, the 1-mile-a-day may be motivating because you will feel guilty breaking a streak. For me, I prefer making my own schedule rather than being tied to a made-up one. I did get brand new sneakers shipped to me in Texas yesterday, so I’m excited to continue hitting the pavement (when I feel like it).
Have any of you guys attempted a run streak? Were you successful? How long did it last?
Bullet Journal Run Streak! I made a foot stencil, and flipped it for the alternate foot btw.
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to run a marathon? Have you ever thought, “Hmmm… 26.2 miles is a long way and it takes FOREVER. What does one think about while they try not to focus on their legs?” If so, then this blog is for you. I am going to tell you a lot of my thoughts during those 5+ very long hours. But don’t worry, I won’t tell you all of them. Who has 5 hours to kill? (Me… I guess).
Pre-Start
Race Corral
Should I try
to pee again? I just tried but maybe I should try again? Oh god, what are the
port-potties gonna be like on the course? Is now when we need to take off our
sweats? Because I’m still cold and I don’t wanna. UGH ok fine I will. Should I
keep my tissues with me? Will they get soggy? They’re in a Ziploc but you never
know. I sweat a lot. So many questions. EW WHAT IS THAT SMELL!? Oh my god
port-o-potties. Wait… I can smell??? Oop! Now it’s gone. Thank god for this
sickness. Have people been smelling that the whole time? That must suck.
Start
Line
Oh wow! They
play Frank Sinatra before we start? That’s pretty cool. The people who work the
start line must be reallllly sick of this song if they play it every wave. This
would be the… 6th time they’re hearing it? How many apps do I need
to start on my phone? Strava – check. Nike Running – check. Spotify –
Check. How long will my phone last with
all of these apps on? I wonder if Strava works if my phone is on airplane mode.
I probably should have tested that. Too bad I downloaded it last night. I’ll do
anything for a free lululemon tank top. Tell me something I didn’t already
know. Ok. Time to run this sh*t. Or run-walk it. Or at least survive it. DAMNIT
I accidentally left my tissues in the pocket of my hoodie that I just donated.
I guess it’s snot-rockets from here on out.
START LINE! This is when I realized I had no tissues.
Not even a mile in and I was already taking pics.
Mile 1
Alright, this
isn’t too bad. The views are killer. Is it too soon to stop for a selfie? I’m
only doing this for Instagram likes anyway. Ok, that’s not entirely true. Damn,
I really wish I had my tissues. Should I still stop every 5 minutes to walk
like in my training? Everyone always says to take it easy through Brooklyn but
no one said anything about on the Verrazano. Then again, I don’t want to get
trampled. I guess I’ll stop to walk for 30 seconds and take a pic. Who knows
how long my phone will last.
Mile 2
*sees sign
“Yo! Welcome to Brooklyn!”* Oh cute!! Signs! I hope I see some witty ones.
Someone just welcomed me personally to Brooklyn by name. Such a good idea to
put my name on my shirt.
Mile 3
This isn’t too
bad! I wish this was a Turkey Trot. I’d almost be done. 23 miles to go. FML. Wait,
where did all those other people come from? Are they running the race, too? Let
me ask one of them. Ah yes, they are. They just started on the lower level of
the bridge. I wonder if that sucks. Not as many insta-opportunities. Well, look
at all of us together now. 53,000 people in one HUGE happy family.
Mile 4
Thank GOD
there are people out here with water bottles and TISSUES. Next year when I
cheer, I am def bringing a box of tissues. You never know if there will be
someone out there snot-rocketing their life away. Also, I’m glad I didn’t run
with a water bottle. It’s so nice to have my hands free! And there are people
all over the place handing them out.
Mile 5
First person I
know!! My coworker brought the whole family out to cheer for me! Gotta stop for
a selfie. OMG, her sign is made to look like my Braid in Manhattan business
card!! Am I too sweaty to give hugs? Meh whatever, they can shower. I
can’t shower. for 21 more miles. Woof.
Mile 6
I should be
looking for more people from the gym. YES! Spotted!! This is fun. It’s like a
super, super hard game of Where’s Waldo through the 5 boroughs.
Mile 7
Everyone wants
to high-five me but I don’t think they understand the germs on my hands. Ew.
Oh! That woman is giving high-fives with latex gloves on. Smart lady.
It’s 11:30!
Time for more Dayquil! “Um, ma’am? Excuse me? My hands are shaking and I really
need to open this Dayquil. Yes, I’m sick. No, I don’t feel great. Thanks!”
Alright, well
that took a full 90 seconds. Good thing I already knew I wouldn’t be making any
sort of time record. How many miles ‘til those meds kick in? 3? 4? 19? UGH.
Mile 8
The street
names are words now instead of numbers. I’ll never find any of my friends. My
dripping sweat is impeding my vision of street signs. OMG GYM FRIENDS! YAYYY
BROOKLYN! I have to stop for a photo or two. Another coworker! This is so fun!
More photos, please. Make sure everyone knows I am still alive. For now.
I actually turned around and walked back for this photo opp. #worthit
More of the YMCA Crew in Brooklyn
Mile 9
Full mile with
no one I know. Wahhh, this isn’t fun. Why am I doing this again? Also, every
time I stop for my scheduled walking breaks people scream my name to try and
make me run again. Maybe I shouldn’t have put my name on my shirt?
Mile 10
SISTER!!! I
hope I make it into her 1secondeveryday. I even made sure I was running! I can
give her a hug despite the sweat and snot. She’s related to me. Hopefully she
tells my mom I’m still alive. I wonder if I’ll spot her in Manhattan, too. I
think my Dayquil is setting in! I can ALMOST smell. Smell myself, that
is.
Mile 11
SO. MANY.
JEWS. I was warned about this deadening silence. Like, I see them. They see me.
But they’re pretending it’s just another normal day and 53,000 people aren’t
running down the street. Cool, cool. JK, not cool, this is annoying AF. I
almost wish I had headphones on. ALMOST.
Mile 12
No friends here either. Well at least there are a few spectators again. Why is everyone handing out candy? Oh yeah! It was just Halloween. I think I’ll stick with my Clif Bloks. I’m not trying to make any port-o breaks. Who knows how a Snickers will react in my stomach with all that Gatorade.
Mile 13
Remember when
I ran a half marathon and I was like EW NEVER AGAIN? Why the hell did I think,
“yea, let me do that TWICE IN A ROW.” I could be DONE now! And to make matters
worse, it’s another bridge! Wahhhh I hate uphills.
Mile 14
Another huge
bridge coming up. This is what I trained for. I’m EXHAUSTED. And the last two
people I was supposed to see, I couldn’t find. This isn’t fun anymore. Should I
just walk this whole bridge?
Mile 15
Oh, ok. So
EVERYONE walks this bridge. It makes sense, because I’m walking relatively
quickly and I’m almost passing some of the people “running.” Why waste my
energy? SELFIE BREAK! There are NYRR volunteers stationed in the middle of the
bridge specifically to take our pics. Ok, that’s probably not what they are specifically
there for, but it’s a good bonus. Sure, I’ll stop. Why not. I’m not going very
fast anyway.
The halfway mark! (and ANOTHER bridge, the Pulaski into Queens)
Middle of the Queensboro bridge on my way into Manhattan. See all the people taking pics behind me?
Mile 16
FRIENDS
FRIENDS EVERYWHERE!! I needed excuses to stop and chat. Just a little
coffee-clatching while very very sweaty. Should I change my shirt? My amazing
emoji bf brought me a change. If my hands weren’t working enough to open
Dayquil, I will probably struggle with the safety pins on my bib. Meh, I’ll
just stay sweaty. “Only” 10 miles left anyway. It’s so fun to see my friends
and their signs! Maybe I should just stay here. Ugh, ok FINE I guess I’ll go.
MY SISTER
AGAIN! YAY! She noticed I didn’t change my shirt, HA! And our friend brought
tissues. Thank god. Is it possible that Dayquil isn’t effective if you’re
pushing your body like this? Like how antibiotics make birth control not work?
Hmm, I should ask somebody that.
Mile 17
MORE FRIENDS!
Omg Jacy brought her baby! That is dedication. Gotta take another pic. First
baby on the course!
My sister disgusted by my nose-blowing and Sheridan’s festive hat
Jacy and my littlest spectator
Mile 18
Gotham Gators
out here with a personalized sign for me. Gotta chomp with them. At this point,
I do realize I’m just taking any opportunity I can to stop running. Where the
hell are the people with the water bottles like in Brooklyn?? I’M SO THIRSTY. I
wonder if people in Manhattan are too broke from paying rent to be handing out
free bottles of water. I really should have taken a water bottle with me. Come
to think of it… it’s been many many hours and I’ve been drinking water and
Gatorade at every mile… how don’t I have to pee at all? Is it all coming out of
my nose? Is that a thing? I should ask someone that question, too.
They had a sign with my name on it too, but I think I liked this one better.
Mile 19
PERSONAL
RECORD! I’ve never run more than 18 miles before. Yes, I feel like I want to
die but I did it! Even if I don’t finish, at least I am breaking my own
records. GOD I’m exhausted. Where is Sara? She said she’d be right on this
corner! I better stop to look for her. Also because I MUST STOP.
Wait, is that
her ponytail walking away? “SARA!” Omg! It’s her!! Come, walk with me. Forward
is forward. Let’s take a selfie. Ok. Gotta go to the Bronx, I’ll be back in
half an hour! I hope…
Mile 20
Willis Ave. Bridge. Well, good news is, I’m not the only one walking. Literally EVERYONE is. This is a secret piece of info no one ever told me. I did wonder how people run the whole thing. I guess the answer is, they don’t. Let me take a selfie and check on the battery percentage of my phone. 17% DAMN! I still have at LEAST an hour left! Oh damn, there’s a photographer. I guess he just got a pic of me on my phone and walking. It is what it is. #WorthIt for the selfie.
Mile 21
Good lord this
is not easy. There’s a whole slew of port-o-potties. I guess the good news is,
I still don’t have to pee at all. Bad news is… why? Should I be worried? My
left ankle hurts. That’s weird. It’s not even my “bad” ankle. It’s not too bad,
though. Oh, a biofreeze station, I’ll ask them to spray me. Hmm, that worked a
little bit! And there’s an NYRR volunteer with The Stick. I’ll roll my quads a
little. Plus, I need another break. God these stick thingies are miraculous.
I haven’t been to the Bronx since I filed something in court here. But now I guess I live here because I cannot move my legs anymore. HA! I cannot live in the Bronx. Jenny from the Block loved it so much and even she left. I must move. Forward is forward. I cannot stop coughing! I think these coughs are getting way worse. FINAL BRIDGE. A lady just screamed “This is the last f*cking bridge!” Hell yes, lady. Also, I enjoyed the sign that said, “F*ck it up, buttercup.” Obscenities are infiltrating my every thought at this point.
Mile 22
Holy hell this
is HARD. And my coughs are def getting worse. I don’t want to stop but I have
to double over from these coughing spells. I have some cramping in my abs, even,
from the coughing. Oh, thank god. There’s Sara again. PLEASE WALK/RUN WITH ME.
Yes, let’s go on Instagram-Live to distract me. No, I don’t think it matters
that you’re just joining the race course. I NEED HELP! I wonder if I’ll regret
talking about nipple chafing on Instagram? Meh, too late now. COUGH COUGH COUGH
OW. Well, good news is, everyone around me limping and walking super weird. I’m
running/walking totally fine. Except for when I’m doubled over struggling to
breath between coughs.
Mile 23
5K left! I can
do this. I’ve run a 5K a million times. Granted, I’ve never done it after
running 23 miles. Also, why is this uphill? Seems like a cruel joke. But the
crowds here are deafening. God, I love Manhattan.
Struggling to breathe through coughs at mile 22.
The struggle was so real, I was just trying to catch my breath.
BUT THE END WAS SO CLOSE!!
Mile 24
Time to go
back into Central Park. I can do this. I can do this. I know this park like the
back of my hand. Why do people say that? Do people look at the backs of their
hands a lot? I think I’m delirious. The sun is setting! I should take my
sunglasses off. What time is it? Damn. 5 hours. I’ve been running for 5 hours.
I thought I would be done by now. Oh well. I guess my new goal is beating the
sunset.
I just passed
a 40K sign. What the hell does that mean? How many K’s is a mile? Wait, 5K is
3.1 miles… 40/5 x 3.1… I cannot do mental math. I think I’m close to the next
mile marker? My phone is at 5%. I need to remember to stop my Strava at 1%. I
WILL NOT LET MY PHONE DIE.
Mile 25
25! More
coworkers! And another racecourse baby! The spectators keep saying “you’re
almost there, Emily!” and FINALLY they are telling the truth! They’ve been
saying that sh*t since mile 13. Which was incredibly annoying. But finally it’s
TRUE! Oh my god it’s so close. I can run, still! I need to run through the
finish.
This was just past the 40K mark (see it in the back?) I was definitely doing mental math here.
So excited to see another baby!
Group pic (and chance for a breathing break).
Mile 26
26 freaking
miles. The .2 is a cruel joke. Ok, that sign just said 800 meters to go. How
long is a meter? It would be really helpful to understand the metric system. I
know I’m close though. I bet I can run the whole rest of this. Phone at 2%. Omg
this is like the Hannukkah oil that lasted for 8 nights. Incredible. Will it
last ‘til the finish line???
Mile
26.1
Back in the
park! Look at all of these flags lining the street. SO COOL. I am so so so
close!
Mile
26.2
400 meters to
go. Welp, still don’t know what a meter is but I SEE THE FINISH LINE! I WILL
CROSS THIS THING WITH MY HANDS IN THE AIR!
FINISH LINE IN SIGHT!
FINISHING WITH MY HANDS IN THE AIR!
YASSSSS!!
FINISH
HOLY CRAP. I
did it. I DID IT! I thought I would cry but I don’t think I have enough fluids
in my body for that. Speaking of… how come I still don’t have to pee? And where
is there water?? I earned this medal! AHHH so cool! Phone at 1%. End Strava.
End Nike+ Run. End Fitbit.
“Hi! Excuse
me. First of all, congratulations. Second of all, will you take a photo of me
with my medal? Here’s how you switch the camera around. Oh. Sorry, my phone
just died.”
“Hi, sir? First of all, congratulations. Second of all, my phone just died. Can you maybe take a photo of me with my medal at the finish and then send it to me? Yes, I need you to take it on your own phone. Then send it to me. My phone died. Oh, you live in France and don’t have service? Ummmm, do you think you can Whatsapp it to me later when you have wifi?? I’d be soooo thankful. I’m never doing this thing ever again. Ever.”
If you made it all the way through this journey with me without even carb-loading first, you deserve a Gatorade. And a medal. But not my marathon medal because I’m never giving mine away. After reading this, do you think you want to run a marathon? No? Me either.
Last photo taken on my phone before it died.
Photo taken by my French friend and Whatsapped to me later.
