Long Legs and other Personal Problems

How To: Professional Wedding Guest

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In the past 3 years, I have attended so many weddings, I call myself a professional guest. In the past 2.5 years, I’ve had emoji bf on my arm, and we have gotten it down to a science. This upcoming Saturday, we are attending yet another wedding, and in honor of it being the last one on the books for 2017, I am doing all of my readers a favor and imparting my sage advice.

Never, I repeat NEVER , agree to be a bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid is more than the title, it is basically indentured servitude. I know this from watching my friends as they perform their serf duties to the almighty Queen Bride, not from actual experience, since I have ONLY had to do this one time. Being a bridesmaid means a lot of things. For starters, it means you’re going to drop $2 grand on the occasion, at the very least. You are required to be at all events, you need to fly to a destination bachelorette, you have to go to the bridal shower, you have to buy a godawful dress you will never wear again and it will unquestionably make you look like a rotund banana, you have to shell our hundreds of dollars for hair and makeup, and of course, you have to smile the whole time and lie to the bride. Am I exaggerating? Maybe a tiny bit. But if you are a bridesmaid, you should probably just declare bankruptcy and block off all of your weekends for the six months leading up to the wedding. Also, being a bridesmaid means being in all of the photos. This takes away from valuable open bar time. Which brings me to my next point.

Always find the open bar as soon as you enter the reception. This is possibly the best advice I can give you. Keep your eye on it, and always know if the line is getting long. If you are assigned a table, but not a seat, it is important to position yourself at the table so you can view the line at the bar at all times. You will thank me for this.

Take selfies. If you didn’t take selfies, did the wedding even happen? Also, you can take many photos of the bride and groom, but they hire professionals for that. Don’t waste your time. Take one photo of the happy couple, then stick with the selfies.

Learn the bartender’s name. Also tip him, but knowing his name is key. Back when I was a wedding guest novice, I was embarrassed when the bartender remembered me and my drink order. Now that I am a professional, I realize how useful this is. Why waste a valuable second explaining to the bartender that your vodka soda should have a splash of grenadine? This is a second that you could be burning calories on the dance floor!

Always have two drinks on your table before the toasts begin. Once you’re on a first name basis with the bartender, this should not be difficult. You should be on a first name basis before the toasts, if all goes well. The worst thing at weddings is being stuck at the table during interminable speeches with no alcohol and no clandestine way to escape to the bar. Once the toasts begin, you are trapped at your table for 10-60 minutes. Always be prepared. I learned that in Girl Scouts.

Dance!! Nobody likes a downer wedding guest. Also, no one is judging your dance moves. If someone is sitting at his/her table judging you, it’s only because he/she is jealous of your moves. Plus, killin’ it on the dance floor is a good way to get into a lot of wedding photos, without having to be in the wedding party. Load up on the liquid courage (it’s FREE!) and get it moving. Limbo, electric slide, wobble, even a little Mambo #5. It’s all a blast. Also, the more Fitbit steps you get after midnight, the less you have to get the next day. Which will come in handy, since you will undoubtedly have a slammin’ hangover (see tips above about boozing it out).

Bring Flip Flops. This goes hand in hand with dancing, and it’s the “adult” version of bringing socks to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs as a 13-year-old. How can you break it down on the dance floor if your feet hurt!? If you bring alternative footwear, you’re sure to have a better time.

Photobooth. The more props the better. Photobooth pics are better party favors than anything that the happy couple will actually give out. Also, the photo quality in photobooths is usually better than a phone camera. Some of my favorite wedding gems of the professional guest couple, (that’s us), have been from photobooths!

Borrow Dresses. It’s inevitable that you will be in photos. And it’s also inevitable that you will have worn every dress in your wardrobe at least once if you go to as many weddings as I do. Luckily, I have a best friend who wears the same size! I often shop her closet when I am out of options in my own. Other possible options for cheaper dresses: TJ Maxx or Rent the Runway. But I am a bigger fan of borrowing because it’s my favorite price: free!! Another option which may not work for everyone – wear your prom dress! I did this for a formal wedding last year and it was a huge hit (See: the feature photo and the first and last photobooth photos above.) 10 years later, still rocking it! It finally paid off being overweight in high school; it’s a bit too big on me now!

Buy a gift off the registry or give cash. Never go off-script here. I’ll never forget when my sister received what everyone thought was an ashtray for her Bat Mitzvah. Now, logically, of course we did not think any of the guests would have purchased smoking paraphernalia for a 13-year-old, whether or not she was officially a “woman” in the eyes of the Jewish faith. But still, who would buy a mini silver tray for anyone, anyway? This is a tidbit I think about whenever I go to buy a wedding gift. If they wanted a small silver tray, they would have registered for it. And if they didn’t register for it, guess what, they didn’t want it. Don’t be a hero and find something obscure they must have “forgotten” to register for. They didn’t forget. Or, give them some cold hard cash. It doesn’t have to be enough to “cover your plate” anymore, but don’t give $20 either, only your 90-year-old grandmother can get away with that.

I will report back next week after the Final Wedding of 2017 to tell you if all of my tips worked out. As of right now, I only know two engaged couples, so here’s hoping I don’t have a single wedding in 2018! My wallet will thank me.

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Fitness

Fitbit Fixation

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I am addicted to my fitbit. And I do not care what anybody says, it absolutely helps me stay fit and someday (maybe after I stop eating 2 ice creams/day) it WILL help me lose weight. Here’s how I know: when I’m not wearing it, I am willfully lazier. This can be easily explained by a quick comparison: If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Similarly, if I walk to work and I’m not wearing my fitbit, does it even count?? Answer: NO. SO WHY BOTHER. The wheels on the MTA bus go round and round, and I have a fancy piece of very expensive paper called an unlimited Metrocard.

In November 2015, my life changed. It makes my blood curdle to think about the hundreds of thousands of steps I took before then, ALL WASTED. In 2015, my favorite emoji-faced boyfriend got me a fitbit Charge HR because I was incredibly jealous of his. I was so excited to compete with him in steps and in sleep! Spoiler Alert: I beat him every single day in both, as he was working 80+ hours/week, which didn’t leave much time for movement or sleep. (Fun Fact: I still beat him every day, and he no longer works those hours.) Anyway, that is how my addiction began. It has slowly progressed to take control of my entire life.

Since then, I have switched to the newer, more advanced, Charge 2 Fitbit. The Charge 2 tracks multiple forms of exercise, has a GPS for my runs, receives my text messages and alerts me of calendar events, and it reminds me to move 250 steps every hour between 8 am and 7 pm. My fitbit buzzes on my wrist like a dog collar at 10 minutes to the hour to remind me to move if I have not walked enough. It is a part of me and I am a part of it. I wear it 23 hours and 50 minutes/day, with 10 minutes off for a shower. That means I also wear it to bed. (I have often wondered if it tracks THAT type of activity too… 😉 ). It tracks my sleep not just in awake/asleep increments, but in full light/deep/REM cycle stages. Spoiler alert #2: I never get more than 7 hours of sleep from M-F, I’m lucky if I get 6. Fitbit is sure to always remind me of that, although the circles under my eyes are a clear enough indicator.

Let me tell you a quick horror story from 2 weeks ago. I had taken my fitbit off at work (GASP) because I needed to charge it and I knew I had a big project to work on. I figured I would charge it for 50 minutes, until it yelled at me to “Get Steppin!” at 10 minutes til the top of the hour. Then, the unthinkable happened: 5 o’clock came and went, and I left the office without my fitbit. Now, on any day, this would be enough for me to panic and go back to the office. But on this particular day, I was on my way to teach a Spin class. So many lost steps! I usually get 8,000 steps between walking to the train, walking to the gym, teaching, walking to the train, and walking home. And this doesn’t even count the workout that I specifically track. How would I know what my max heart rate was, and how long my intervals were, and how many calories I burned, and what my average heart rate was over the 1 hour???

But I was already late, and I didn’t have time to go back. Devastation. And it gets worse: I was teaching the next morning at 7 am before work, which meant before I got a chance to get my fitbit!! 11,000 MORE steps wasted!! (Different gym, further from the subway station). Now I know what you’re thinking: “WHAT A TRAVESTY!” Oh, you weren’t thinking that? Were you thinking “this girl is crazy; how does she know how many steps it takes her to get from home to every different gym in the 5 boroughs of New York City?” Obsessive fitbit-checking, that’s how.

I know how many steps it is from my street corner to the front door of my apartment (420, if I take the elevator). I know how many steps it is from my work computer to my favorite bathroom (one-way, and round-trip). I know how many steps it is from my bed to my refrigerator (12, I have long legs). I know how many times I have to walk around the living room to get to 250 steps (14, New York apartments are small).

I thought that I was alone in my obsession, but I am becoming more and more aware that I am one of MANY. How do I know? At 9:50, 10:50, 11:50 etc, the hallways get a lot more crowded at work. And at first glance, it looks like everyone is running late checking their watches, but no, they are checking their fitbits. My own sister admitted to me last week that she purposefully waits until after the 5 o’clock hour, so she can get her 250 steps in before she gets in the car to commute home, in case traffic lengthens her commute (god forbid) and it forces her to miss her mandatory steps for the hour. My whole family, in fact, competes in steps every week. Monday evening we receive our “Weekly Progress Report from Fitbit” via email, which inevitably starts a sh*t-talking family group text. My mom is having a hip replacement next month, and she has already warned me that I better watch out because once she gets her new hip, I will never win the week again. GAME ON MOMMY. I have realized that fitbit has made me frighteningly competitive. And I generally play to win, even with a desk job, since it takes me 2,000 steps to get to work, and that’s if I take the subway! As my fitbit would say, “CRUSHED IT!”

Anyone else want to be my Fitbit friend/frenemy/ultimate-stepping-nemesis? Add me! I promise to double you in steps.

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