Big City Living, Miscellaneous

Breakfast Clown Comes to Town (a poem)

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It’s the day before THE PARADE, so I think it’s time,

To talk about Macy’s and write a little rhyme.

You know my obsession with the parade runs deep,

I’m out on the streets while you’re all still asleep.

I’ve been watching for decades and some may say I’m obsessed,

But the parade runs in my family and I’d say I’m (hashtag) #blessed.

In rain, sleet or snow, I line the street at 6,

To get my giant balloon and Santa Claus fix.

6:30 am in the streets with my siblings, anxiously awaiting The Parade!

Last year was special and you know why,

For the first time, I marched WITH those characters in the sky.

I was a part of the action as a Viking Clown,

You probably know this, I wrote 8 blogs, I need to calm down.

But I’m not done yet, there are more posts to come,

I’m now officially a Macy’s Clown Alum!

This year is my SECOND one marching downtown,

This year I’m not a Viking, but a BREAKFAST CLOWN!

Butter, eggs or toast, the choices were tough,

Luckily for me, they were all delicious foodstuffs.

Unfortunately, my exact costume I don’t get to pick,

And I was sort of hoping for the butter stick.

However, the one I got has more mobility,

To prance 2.5 miles of Manhattan, I need my agility!

Tomorrow I’ll be on the streets as a PIECE OF TOAST,

I’ll be throwing confetti and doing the most.

Do not fret if you can’t find my bread,

There’s another way to find me – the butter on my head!

I’ll be in a yellow beanie and a gingham suit of red,

I’m not the full butter stick, but I’ll have a pad on my head instead!

Last year’s breakfast clown group. Don’t they look warm and toasty and eggcellent? WINKWINK

If you’re tuning in from home, here’s how to find me,

After the turkey float, Macy’s Stars, and Snoopy.

If the balloon doesn’t fly because of bad weather,

You can find me after the Peanuts float, they travel together!

I’ll be in the first ten minutes if you’re watching from the street,

But if you’re at home, on the couch, and off your feet,

I’ll be an hour after that, because it takes time to walk,

There are 40 streets and many, many roadblocks.

Don’t forget to set your alarm clocks,

Turn on the TV and watch like hawks,

Some clowns are weird and easy to mock,

But my bread get-up is the SEXIEST frock.

All those years I was warned “you are what you eat,”

I’m 5 foot 11 – I’ve never been petite.

I love all the foods, sweet, savory and an occasional treat,

But in my year-long quest to be a marathon athlete

My carb-loading journey is finally complete,

I’ve TURNED INTO BREAD, I am LITERALLY wheat!

Have an amazing Thanksgiving, I hope you have cable,

Or watch live on Youtube, if you’re able!

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Big City Living

I’ve Peaked – My Macy’s Parade Fantasy Come True

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I’ve peaked. There’s nowhere to go but down. I have achieved my life goal at age 31 and it’s only downhill from here. Why get engaged? Why get married? Why have kids? I already have enough Facebook likes for the entirety of my life. I was in the Macy’s Parade.
There is only one reason to set the alarm for 4:30 am on a day where you don’t have work, and that’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I should revise that last sentence. I didn’t have to work at my typical 9-5, but I did have a very important job to do: Clowning Around! As you may have read two weeks ago in my equally-as-thrilled blog post, I was a Viking Clown in the parade. If you are still wondering how I got the gig, check out my last blog post.
I know that what you really want to know are my stream of consciousness thoughts during the best day of my life, so you’re in luck. Here we go:

4:30 am: My alarm went off. I proceeded to be very confused because it was 100% dark out and my emoji-bf was still fast asleep. He is ALWAYS up before me. But like a normal hum

an, he was sleeping in on his day off. I am not a normal human. When I finally realized why my alarm had gone off, I rocketed out of bed to get ready. IT WAS PARADE DAY!!!

4:32 am: I brushed my teeth while scrolling through my phone furiously. I successfully went to bed at 11:30 pm the night before the parade (a full 5 hours of sleep!). While I slept, my phone started to blow up with good luck wishes by text, Instagram DM and Facebook comments. Obviously, I had posted about the parade before I went to sleep, and everyone wanted a piece of the action. Duh.

4:34 am: I attempted to write people back via text message, and then remembered it was still before 5 am and thought better of it.

4:36 am: I contemplated making eggs for breakfast, but instead ate half of a chicken cutlet from the fridge (no time for microwaving!), and I definitely did NOT drink any coffee or water. Remember this for later.

4:40 am: I began layering. I wore 5 layers. A sports bra (a lot of walking was to be done!), a long sleeved thermal shirt, another long-sleeved shirt, a down running vest, and another down vest. And that was just on top. I also wore multiple layers on my legs. And my feet. Then I started to pack my stuff in my pockets. ID necessary to get into the costuming hotel, a granola bar in case my half of a cold chicken cutlet wouldn’t cut it (spoiler alert: granola bar was needed), 4 sets of hand warmers, and of course a portable cell phone charger and cord. So many photos to take!

5:05 am: (yes, it took me 25 minutes to put on clothes) I tried to go to the bathroom for the 5th time. I lamented forgetting to buy Depends because even with no coffee or water, I knew I would probably have to pee.

5:10 am: I walked to the subway. It was much colder than I thought it would be. Just kidding, it was just as cold as I knew it would be. 16 degrees. Woah.

5:45 am: I arrived at the New Yorker Hotel, where I saw a HUGE line of people wrapped around the entrance. I got in line, thinking I would definitely freeze before I even got my makeup on. I tried to chat with the people around me. The guy behind me in line was the Elf on a Shelf. I tried to find him later on TV but all I saw was the balloon. You think he *WAS* the balloon???

5:50 am: A guy came to try and warm up the crowd. A fluffer, of sorts. He asked us if we were excited. Then he told us all to take our lassos out and wave them around our heads to show our excitement. Then he said, “Knock Knock” Us: “Who’s there?” Him: “Yah” Us: “Yah-hoo!” He got all of us. With our lassos in the air. It did make us laugh and warm us up a bit.

5:52 am: A guy asked for anyone with a 5:45 call time and took us to the front of the line and into the hotel! Yay! Warmth! We scanned our tickets and I followed signs to the clown staging area. There were balloon handlers, banner holders, etc, and they each had different areas.

5:55 am – 6:25 am: I put on my costume. Yes, this took 30 minutes. AGAIN. Each type of clown had a helper to explain which costume pieces went where. This was not as self-explanatory as you may have thought. There were an additional 3 layers that were somehow supposed to go over the 5 layers I was already wearing. There were leggings to go over my 3 pairs of pants, and then fur-leg-warmers that had to go on top of those. I took my shoes off and put them back on 3 times because I kept forgetting parts. If you think it’s difficult getting up off the floor, try doing it in 7 layers of clothes. It’s no small feat. After I finally was completely dressed with my wig cap on, and with promises that my makeup artist would be able to help me fit my ear warmers under my wig so they wouldn’t show (and so I wouldn’t freeze), I went on to the makeup line.

6:30 am: MAKEUP! This was incredible. There were rows and rows of makeup artists, with number paddles like in line at Trader Joes. My makeup artist told me she had been doing makeup for the Parade for 22 years! She said, “I live for this day.” And I was like “ME TOO GURL.” We were a match made in heaven. She told me that each clown used to have different makeup, which was more fun and creative for her, but now it was streamlined and all of the clowns had the same makeup. Then she asked if I wanted to do my own eye makeup after she asked if I had contact lenses (I do). I told her “NAH, I want the professional to do my makeup even if it means sacrificing my eyes forever.” She was hesitant but she did it. All was good, though. And she let me take a few selfies as we went along. Sure enough, she helped fit my ear muffs under my wig-hat, and then I was off to the buses!

6:45 am: We boarded the buses waiting outside for us and started uptown. I was surprised the streets weren’t closed, we were just traveling with normal traffic uptown. Thankfully there is very little traffic at 6:50 am on Thanksgiving morning, and we made it up to 80th street by 7 am. While I was on the bus, my sister texted me that she was bundled up and on her way to watch the parade with my brother! Thankfully, they were running a little late (7 am is LATE to get a good spot) so the timing was perfect for me to meet them at my bus stop! We took 3 minutes to chat and take photos, and then they went on their way to find a spot. Thankfully, again, since it was 16 degrees (maybe not “thankfully”), there were less people out early to watch, so my siblings got a GREAT spot!

6:55 am: I made my way to “Clown Corner #1” which is where I was supposed to meet my other clown comrades. Along the way, I took photos of some balloon handlers getting in formation and having team meetings. Also, SO MANY PEOPLE wanted a photo of me – balloon handlers, police officers, even other clowns! The Viking costume was definitely the most involved of the costumes. I mean, I had a massive golden boob corset, yarn braids and a shield. Come on.

7-9 am: We waited. And tried to stay warm. Things I did to try and stay warm:

  • Run in place. Thankfully I was wearing sneakers. And 3 pairs of socks.
  • Use hand warmers. I had 2 in each of my gloves. I also put some in my golden corset. In hindsight, I wished I had put some in my shoes.
  • Stalked Al Roker. Really though. Every year, I scream to him about how much I love him. He usually returns these advances with a smile and a wave. This year I was very close to him when I declared my love for him. And I was in a Viking outfit. He did not return this advance with a smile and a wave. I think I scared poor Al. Why doesn’t he remember me!?
  • Went to the port-o-potty. It makes a person warm to try and take off and put back on 7 layers of clothes in a small space. This was probably the grossest part of the morning. I kept my shield and other accessories outside.
  • Took a lot of photos. A lot. And boomerangs.

9:00 am: THE PARADE BEGAN! I was in the 8th clown group, which was pretty close to the beginning. I was very excited about that at this point because I was starting to lose feeling in my toes. I did get a foot cramp while I waited, probably a result of my willful dehydration as preparation for no bathrooms. Luckily my foot uncramped just in time for me to scream and take a selfie with John Legend as his float traveled past us, and then it was go-time!

9:20 am: “Viking Clowns, you can JOIN THE PARADE!” It was finally time. I clowned around like the best version of myself for more than an hour. I saw my brother and sister uptown around 75th street, and they took (terrible) photos of me, and I got to wave and scream Happy Thanksgiving to millions of people along the parade route. We were strategically positioned after the How to Train Your Dragon Toothless Dragon balloon, and the James Madison University marching band. This was amazing placement because the poor band played the entire parade! It gave us something to dance and sing along to as we spread Thanksgiving cheer to the crowds.

It was definitely cold, but as I ran and skipped and marched down the parade route, high-fiving everyone along the way, I started to get warm. VERY warm. Keep in mind, I was running miles while wearing 7 layers and a Viking hat/wig. At around mile 2, I gave my hand warmers to some very appreciative spectators. Then, I wiped the sweat off of my brow from under my Viking hat, being incredibly careful not to smudge my makeup. Spoiler alert: I definitely smudged my makeup.

There were a lot of Ohio State fans along the route because their band was in the parade as well, and as a diehard Florida Gator fan, I was not a huge fan of all of the red and white. I did see about 6 people along the route with Gator gear on, and I was sure to scream “GO GATORS” to them. It may be the first time they heard that from a Viking!

A longtime family friend was watching the parade and had let me know where she was standing, so I looked for her and she screamed to me and we found each other! We even took a selfie. I also saw my best friend’s extended family, and her cousin took the funniest video of me ever. You can see me just doin’ my clown thang in the background for seconds until the incessant screaming of my name made another Viking Clown motion for me to come over. It’s such a funny video because it does show me in my element.

10:20 am: We reached 38th Street and came to a stop. Little known fact: There were no kids in the parade this year. I know you are all thinking I am lying because you saw them on TV, but the reality is, it was too cold. They didn’t allow the kids to be on the floats, and they loaded them on at 35th street for a 1-block ride through Herald Square! It was definitely a good decision but created a bit of a logistical nightmare for families in the parade whose parents went uptown while they left their kids down at 35th street.

Anyway, we waited while Macy’s staff collected our confetti plastic bags (no plastic on TV!) and we took our final handfuls of confetti to throw in fistfuls in our hands. (I also stuffed a handful into my golden corset. I made sure not to reach in there on TV LOL.)

Then, we waited just out of Herald Square while we listened to John Legend “sing” and it was finally our turn!! I made the career-ending mistake of interacting with the actual people in the stands, instead of going to the south side of the street to be on camera. Therefore, no matter what all of you amazing fa+ns may have thought, you did not actually see me on TV. Thankfully, my makeup artist did my makeup the exact same as every other makeup artist, so I looked eerily similar to the 2 seconds of Viking Clowns they actually showed. But no, it was not me. Sigh.

10:40 am: All of us Viking clown high-fived each other for a clown-job-well-done, and walked back to the New Yorker hotel to give back our costumes. We took an awesome photo in a deserted, closed-off street on the way, and posed with a few more spectators. Then most clowns went to the makeup-removal-room. BUT NOT THIS CLOWN. I wore that fantastic makeup all the way back home. And let me tell you, NOTHING phases a New Yorker. I didn’t get a single strange look.

WILL THERE BE A NEXT YEAR!? Will Al Roker recognize me, and my lifelong dream will happen TWICE IN ONE DAY?? Stay tuned, I’ll keep you posted.

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Big City Living

I’m In the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!!!

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You may remember my obsession with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you were following my blog, you definitely do. I wrote about it three times last year, which is 3 times more than any normal New Yorker. I set aside my “I’m too cool for all touristy things” self for Thanksgiving, and I muster all of the #IBelieve I have in me every year for the main event. I have experienced the parade in almost every way: I have watched in Herald Square, I have watched as a baby, I have watched on TV from Florida, I have watched as a full adult screaming on the side of the street, and, I have watched in the uptown grand stand when I miraculously scored those tickets three years ago.

But this year, I am going to be IN THE PARADE. AS A VIKING CLOWN! That’s right, I HAVE PEAKED. When I found out I made it into the parade, I told my boss I was done working for the day, and I knew nothing better would happen to me all year so I should probably just leave. Luckily, he likes me, so he took it in stride. Also, I think he thought I was kidding. I was not. I posted on Facebook two days in a row and I got the most amount of likes on a status since I graduated law school (RIP).

Anyway, let’s roll it back… how did I get to be in the parade? Have you ever wondered where all of those clowns come from? They come from the stores and from the headquarters! They are employees! I tried for years to be in the parade, but it’s tricky because you need to work for Macy’s or Bloomingdales, and I don’t. Despite having 4 careers in my short 31 years on this earth, I have never been lucky enough to score a job that gets me a gig in the parade. Thankfully though, I have friends who are generous, AND who are Bloomies employees! Specifically, I have a friend, Dani, who was in the parade 2 years ago, and who I have been bugging for 2 full years to get me into the parade. She is a great friend. Not only because it actually WORKED but also because she is still my friend even after all of this bugging.

She entered me in the lottery over the summer, and since she was already in the parade, I think she got precedence and her sponsorship went through! (There will be a lot of exclamation marks in this post, #SorryNotSorry, I’m V excited.) Supposedly, being a balloon handler (the ones who hold those massive balloons) is a very coveted, high-ranking job. I did not get that one. My sister did it two years ago, though! Read my other blogs about it. Anyway, I scored the gig of being a clown! This is extra fun because there is no manual labor involved. Basically, I just have to smile, throw confetti, and walk 3 miles from the Natural History Museum down to Herald Square spreading Thanksgiving/Christmas cheer. And the craziest part is, it is a completely random assignment, and I happened to be assigned to the one clown that has BRAIDS! You guys must remember my new obsession with braiding. Braid in Manhattan, in a parade in Manhattan in BRAIDS! It is kismet.

Check out that get-up!

In case one wants extra training to be a clown, they have a college just for that: Clown U. Not that I necessarily felt I needed clown education, but I absolutely wanted to partake in everything Macy’s had to offer me. So, despite my slammin’ hangover from the Halloween Pub Crawl the day before, I walked the 7 blocks to the Big Apple Circus, and I got my clown on. There were balloons and Macy’s stuff everywhere. Also, I got a Macy’s Parade beanie! There’s nothing I love more than free swag. Especially when it’s parade-related.

At Clown U, we were introduced to all of the clown groups, I got to meet my clown captain (yes, that’s a thing), and I got to meet 5 of my other co-clowns (clown-colleagues? Clowneagues?). I saw what my costume will look like in living-color, and I was excited to find that there’s a full-on studded bra involved. Also, we received training from some top-notch clowns. One of them was hoisted into the air as she taught us about the different “levels” of screaming “Happy Thanksgiving!” There’s level 1, for the people along the street who maybe are afraid of clowns, and also still half asleep. Then there’s level 2, for the people 4 or 5 rows back in the crowd, and then there’s level 3, a scream of joy that reaches all the way up 30 stories to the rich folks watching from their apartments along Central Park West. Those weren’t exactly her instructions, but you get the picture. Anyway, we laughed, yelled, and clowned around for a few hours. Then, it was over. I got some much-needed hangover food, and I started the countdown to Thanksgiving!

I can’t believe it is THIS WEEK that my dream will come true! Watch for me as a Viking Clown, I will be somewhere in the parade, although I won’t know my exact place until the morning of! My call time is at 5:45 am. Thankfully I have 5 layers of viking gear because it’s supposed to be 23 degrees (feels like 14!) See you on the street, or on TV!! Obviously, I will write another post about my time before, during and after the parade, in step by step fashion, but until then, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! (That was a level 3.)

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