This blog is a weird one, it’s stream of consciousness, and it’s a true window into my mind. There was nothing special about this particular day, this was just one of many, many days. As I wrote this, I realized the amount of times I have anxious thoughts. Spoiler alert: it’s a lot.
I think this may be an interesting read for those who have never experienced pregnancy after loss (“PAL”), and for those of you who have, it may sound extremely familiar. I wish I could say that this was a more anxious day than normal, but it wasn’t. It was just a day like every other, of which there are many. All in a row.
I have been finding myself so incredibly exhausted lately, but it’s not always physical exhaustion, as much as mental exhaustion. After reading through my own thoughts, I know why. Being pregnant after loss is all-consuming. Literally every normal thought is followed by a catastrophic one. Every reassuring thing seems to disappear into thin air mere moments after. It’s a never-ending thought spiral, and it is tiring. If you have been wondering why I’ve been absent (from get-togethers, social media, group chats), it’s because I am BUSY. In my own head.
8 am:
Lucky me, another day alive. Ready for 16 hours of anxiety.
First things first:
“Chris, do you think our baby is dead?”
“Um no? Why would you say that?”
“I dunno, because it’s my first thought every day when I wake up.”
Let me check my Fitbit app, did I sleep alright? Yes! Only 3 times awake to pee, and 4 nightmares that I was in the hospital. Not bad. Resting heartrate looks normal, maybe my blood pressure will also be normal. Let me not get my hopes up.
8:20 am:
Time to take my blood pressure. How long will it take me to get calm this morning? Maybe I can trick myself into thinking I’m still asleep. I probably shouldn’t have brushed my teeth and put in my contacts. Ok, deep breaths. Nope, that makes it worse. Shallow breaths. Why do I feel like I’m on a run? Let me check my Fitbit. My HR is already up 20 bpm from resting. I will just sit here quietly some more and hope it goes down.
Phew, worst part of the morning down. Now time for vitamins, meds, and injection. How long is too long to hold the ice pack on my stomach? The bruising hasn’t been too bad lately. Does that mean the blood thinners aren’t working? How do I know if they’re working? Yesterday I had a nose bleed and I thought that was a good sign but “the bruises aren’t bruising” as Gen Z would say. Why can’t I be happy about not having too many bruises?
9 am:
Work time. This should be a good distraction. I have two meetings in a row, great distraction. Easy: Don’t think about being pregnant. Thank goodness for Zoom, I can wear stretchy pants that don’t push into my minimal stomach bruises and no one can tell. I don’t look pregnant on Zoom! Great!
Wait, is my face puffy? Face puffiness is a sign of pre-eclampsia. I don’t have pre-eclampsia, I literally took my blood pressure 10 minutes ago. I am fine.
What is this person on the meeting even saying? Right, right, they want to switch jobs because they can’t afford to live there with their two kids. Two LIVING kids. Sigh. I won’t bring up my dead one, but it sure does cost less! I mean, the therapy is expensive but…
Alright, meeting 2. I will stay focused. I will not think about how maybe my baby is dead inside me right now. Oh, they want to launch a project in the new fiscal year in July! That’s fine. Well, maybe I’ll be on maternity leave. They don’t know that, but I do. But then again maybe I won’t be on leave if the baby is dead. Should I tell them about this baby? No, I haven’t seen him alive on a scan in 3 weeks, that would be presumptuous. Good chance he died since then. And last time I said something to my coworkers about Maliyah, she was dead 3 weeks later. I can’t jinx it. I will just pretend I will definitely be working in July.
12 pm:
Gym break. I need to get out of my head. I need someone to tell me what to do for an hour. I need to move my body and get out of my mind. This is good! I can still run relatively well. I need to keep my eye on my HR though. My nephrologist says no more than 140bpm. But my MFM says I can do anything so long as I can keep up conversation and breathe regularly. Maybe I’ll compromise at 165 but only in short bursts. Ok, 3 minute push pace. If I start at my base, I probably can increase as I go, but if I start in a push, it’ll be harder to bring my HR down if I need to. Will running too hard for 30 seconds suffocate my baby? I don’t think so, but I also can’t be sure.
I don’t think anyone can tell I’m pregnant, they probably just think I’m lazy. As soon as I hit orange zone I start taking my speed down. This is fine, I feel good. The gym was a good idea. I wonder how many exercises I’ll have to modify when we start lifting weights. Will anyone know why I’m switching exercises? I hope no one says anything. I am still non-pregnant passing I think… no one would dare say anything would they? I need to stop thinking, it’s bringing up my heart rate and everyone can see on the screen.
2 pm:
One more meeting and it’s by phone. This is good. No dissecting whether my face looks pregnant or pre-eclamptic.
3 pm:
How many emails can I get through before the end of the day? Wait, is that the baby kicking? Yes! It is. He’s alive. I think. I’m pretty sure. Only alive babies do that right? Let me do a quick Google. I thought I had some pain under my rib but I don’t think that’s “upper right quadrant” pain, even though it’s technically in my URQ. I am probably just dehydrated. And my blood pressure was perfectly normal this morning! It’s not that. It’s not that. It’s not that. Back to emails.
6 pm:
Work over, no more distractions. I could watch tv. I still haven’t finished the Mindy Project. But they’re all OBGYNs. Hard pass. Maybe I’ll go to sleep early. Not that I can ever manage to do that, but maybe tonight is my night. First, dinner. What do I want to eat? Nothing really. What does the baby want to eat? Who even knows if he’s still alive. No, he IS alive. I felt him 3 hours ago. My baby is alive. My baby is alive. Everything is fine.
“Chris, do you think our baby is ok?”
“Um yes, why wouldn’t he be?”
“I dunno, just checking.”
“One day at a time.”
“I know, I know, it’s just… there are so many days.”
8 pm:
Support group! Yes! Other crazy people! All my feelings are normal. This is normal. PAL is hard. Everyone worries. REMEMBER THIS EMILY. The facilitator says I can always go into the hospital if I am worried. Even if I have “no reason” to be worried. I don’t know if I can bring myself to do that. But maybe I will. I have a nephrology appointment Thursday, it’s 2 blocks from the hospital… I haven’t seen our baby in 3 weeks, I could just hop over and get a quick look-see. No… that’s crazy. I felt him move today! BP was good this morning! I don’t want to waste anyone’s time…
9 pm:
Blood pressure and then evening meds. I can calm down. I will calm down. Everything is fine. BP was good this morning. Progressive muscle relaxation. Slowly melt into the couch. But don’t actually slouch. I need an accurate reading. Feet firmly planted on the ground. Back supported. Arm at heart level. Ugh my pulse is going up again I can feel it. Let me check my Fitbit. Yep, it’s up. Way up. Ok, I will sit here calmly for another 5 minutes and see if I can chill. Breathe regularly, but don’t think about breathing. Easy.
Phew normal! I don’t have to do this for another 12 hours. Maybe it’ll also be normal tomorrow. Better not get my hopes up though.
11:30 pm:
I will read in bed until I get tired. OMG he is moving again. HE’S ALIVE. Now maybe I can sleep. But I shouldn’t sleep on my back. Wait, no, maybe that’s an old wives’ tale. My last OB said any sleep is good sleep and my body will wake me or move me if necessary.
My body doesn’t know shit. It didn’t warn me of anything last time. I should probably try to sleep on my side. One day down. One day closer.
“Chris, want to say goodnight to our baby? I hope you’re in there!”
“I hope you stay in there!”
“I hope you’re healthy!”
“I hope you’re growing!”
“And I hope you don’t try to kill your mama.”
“We love you.”
(Written at: 22 weeks, 6 days)