Welcome to a three-part series about student loans. This is not financial advice. This is a summary of my personal experience, my feelings, and how I have dealt with this very big problem (pun intended). I got the idea to write about student loans from one of my friends who comes to my Spin class. She said, “I have an idea for your blog. Maybe I’m the only person who would be interested in it, but since you are a non-practicing lawyer, I would definitely love to hear what you have to say about student loans.” Here’s the thing: she is NOT the only person interested, because SO MANY OF US HAVE THEM. It’s unbelievable how large of an issue this is for our generation, and yet so few of us actually talk about it. The first rule about student loans, is don’t talk about student loans. JK, the first rule is to pay them because if you don’t your credit is screwed for life. Some credit blogs talk about it, but in the real world, it’s an unspoken ever-growing elephant in the room.
When I started brainstorming what I would write on, I realized I had SO many thoughts. In fact, I have way too many for one post. Therefore, this will be a three-part series with possible follow-up to address comments and questions. Part one, below, deals with the emotions associated with student loans. Part two will deal with the sheer quantity of loans, the weight it puts on me/us, and how it changes my/our behavior. Finally, part three will deal with my own personal story of loan repayment, the multiple payment plans I have opted into, and out of, and it will include some advice that I have (thankfully) taken from my very financially-savvy emoji-faced bf.
This is a bit more serious than my typical blog posts, and more personal for sure (I’m going to tell you how much I owe!! GASP!), but I hope to be helpful by at least beginning the conversation. If you have any comments, if you want to empathize, if you care to sympathize, or if it just plain makes you mad, please please leave comments. Misery loves company.
As they said on Real World, “this is the true story… when people stop being polite and start getting real.” Without further ado, my semi-interesting take on a super taboo, off-limits topic. Maybe I’ll even help someone.
Part 1 – Emotions
Soundtrack: So Emotional by Whitney Houston
“I get so emotional, baby, every time I think of you”
When I started to consider the real possibility of writing about loans, my first thought was, “will anybody care?” As I said above, there are a huge number of us young professionals, especially in New York City, who have student loans, so why don’t I hear about it? I recently was talking to a friend about how it seems that everyone on my Facebook is going on extravagant vacations, and I’m just drowning in debt. Last week alone, my Instagram feed featured 1 friend in Italy, 2 friends in Greece, 3 friends in Croatia, 2 in Austria, 1 in Iceland and 1 in Bali. WTF? Why wasn’t I going on extravagant vacations? Oh yeah, student loans. Even if my payments were only $200/month (LOL I WISH), if I didn’t have them, I would have an extra $2,400/year to travel the world! That brings me to my first emotion: FOMO (fear of missing out). Next week I will talk about how my spending habits are affected by my loans, but suffice it to say, I don’t take any extravagant vacations.
My friend reminded me that this FOMO is the unfortunate consequence from the nature of social media: people post the highlight reel. No one posts about student loans. She was 100% correct. As I started to pitch the idea of this post to a few friends, it turned out there were many more drowning-in-student-debt millennials in my circle than I originally thought.
But also, why DOES no one post about student loans since it’s such a huge problem? The answer is: it’s fucking depressing. There, I said it. Who the hell wants to talk about the fact that we are all so broke that we will never be able to purchase homes and we will have to put off having kids until it’s possibly too late, etc. etc. More on that in Part Two of this trilogy. But the point is, there are a lot of emotions surrounding student loans, and it’s not an easy concept to grasp for the 30% of the population who does not have loans. For those of us who do, we just suffer in silence. I was going to call us, the loan-havers, “the haves” and the others as the “have-nots,” but it doesn’t seem right to say that people with $150K+ in loans, HAVE anything. Besides anxiety.
When I first started dating my emoji-bf who I am not allowed to talk about at all on this blog, hence the emoji, I HATED talking about money. Dreaded it. Every time he would bring it up (which was a lot, he’s a finance guy), I would completely close off. Sometimes I would literally scream, “Alexa, bedroom off,” and our lights would go off, and I would turn away from him in bed and refuse to speak to him. Over the past two years, he has worn me down, and we now talk candidly about money pretty frequently. In fact, you will see some of the knowledge I have gleaned by finally listening to him in Part Three of this series. I was mostly shying away from the topic because I was ashamed, but also because I felt he couldn’t relate.
Now, I am about to break the “don’t talk about your bf at all” rule here, and I will put him out there, so to speak: he doesn’t have any student loans. Why does that matter? Because it makes it really difficult for him to understand me and relate to my feelings about the loans. Don’t get me wrong, he gets the idea of loans. In fact, he probably (read: definitely) understands them more than I do. He understands interest rates and consolidation, and he even knows what the abbreviation APR means. True confession: I still don’t know. Scratch that, it means Annual Percentage Rate. I just googled it. Anyway, even if he does know all those fancy words and complicated numbers, he still doesn’t get it get it. Or rather, he doesn’t get ME.
Having students loans to pay, especially loans of this large quantity, is not like having an electricity bill to pay, or a car payment. There is a lot more involved. Some of the emotions involved with loans: anxiety, dread, fear, helplessness, shame, regret, isolation. Just to name a few. A lot of these are interconnected, like the anxiety of having so many loans hanging over your head is combined with the dread that you will never pay them off. Also, there is a certain fear that you will be tied down forever, and of course, the constant fear that you will default if you lose your job, which will ruin your credit, or the fear that since you are forever-indebted, you will never be able to have a house or a family. There is even the fear and guilt that if you die, your family will get stuck having to deal with them. Yes, I’ve looked into this, and luckily, according to the U.S. Department of Education, if the borrower of a federal student loan dies, the loan is automatically canceled and the debt is discharged by the government. Unfortunately, this doesn’t apply to private student loans, but that’s a whole different story. At least there’s that to look forward to: the sweet release of death. JK. Sort of. And then of course there is the fear that no one will ever want to marry you, because they are marrying your debt. As if being single isn’t hard enough in NYC, AMIRITE? Sigh.
And then of course the embarrassment. This isn’t a “woe-is-me, this happened to me without my knowledge” sob story where I want you to feel bad for me. But that almost makes it worse. There’s a certain shame and embarrassment associated with the fact that I got myself into this situation by my own choices. It’s not that I unexpectedly had children I need to support, or I fell ill and I have medical bills I can’t pay. I made my own bed here. There are no ifs ands or buts about it. So now here I am, trying to figure out how to deal, but doing it alone. I was recently told about a podcast with WNYC called Death Sex and Money. They did a two-part series on Student Loans and the huge secret they are. They had a higher response than they ever have before, and everyone was keeping it a secret. There was a guy who called in from his car. He was a successful engineer raising a family, making 6 figures and he still had over $100K in loans. His wife didn’t know. His friends didn’t know. It was a huge scary secret.
All of these emotions combine to create a sense of helplessness. There is a certain feeling that you have dug yourself into a hole and there is simply nothing you can do about it. Part of that is true, but part of it isn’t. I will address what I am doing to try and dig myself out in Part Three of this series. Moreover, there is a unique shame associated with having so many loans, especially since no one talks about it. We know our parents don’t have it, so why us? It must mean we did something wrong, right? It must mean we made some wrong decisions along the way, right? And that’s where the next hard-hitting emotion comes in: regret. Lord knows I have a lot of that. Here I am talking about being weighed down by law school loans, and I don’t even practice law!! Do I regret it? EVERY DAMN DAY.
And then there is the isolation. But here’s the thing: it’s not our fault and YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! According to Forbes, tuition and fees have risen 538% since 1985, outpacing the Consumer Price Index by over 400%. Now more than 70% of students graduate with loans and outstanding student loan debt totals $1 trillion. And tell your parents to shove it, because they just cannot understand. Ok, maybe don’t tell them that, but it really is a problem that is unique to our generation.
How much money are we really talking about here? And how do I manage to live while facing these astronomical numbers hanging over my head like a depressing dark cloud? As they do in my favorite show, The Bachelor, I’ll save that for next week, when I will reveal the actual total amount of money I owe in student loans, in the MOST DRAMATIC BLOG POST YET.
12 Comments
I graduated with $100 to my name and a $5,000 car loan. I consider myself very lucky for making the choice not to take out a loan. I worked three jobs at a time while going to school full time. I had NO time for fun. That work-life balance was soul sucking. Gil (also a finance guy) was so anxious about my small car loan that he paid it off as soon as I moved in with him (and I worked to pay him back over the next few years). He wouldn’t marry me if I had debt. He made me a budget and I had to stick to it. It sucked. I hated being told how to spend my money. I hated that we counted every penny and tracked EVERYTHING. I hated talking about money with him. We’d fight about why we needed to go over the budget EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY. I loathed seeing my hard-earned money slipping away from me every month into an auto-deposit mutual fund, while I got left with the pathetic crumbs of what remained. Did it pay off? Totally. Absolutely. We are free.
That is an uplifting story. What a weight off of you it must be. And I totally get talking about money constantly. It can be so frustrating. And budgeting is not easy at all, especially when you compare yourself to everyone else on social media! I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I had undergrad loans in addition to my law school ones. I thank Florida Bright Futures Scholarships every day. But more on that next week 😉
The only reason I even considered going back for my master’s is because I used Gil’s GI Bill. He earned that (paid into it) through his military service and knew he didn’t want to use it. I used half of it to get my master’s degree. The other half we will leave for Sara (it will get her through a year of undergrad before we have to pay out of pocket).
We also sat down one day and budgeted for a baby. How is something so tiny so expensive!? We made the conscious choice not to have a baby until that baby had its own money. We’ve been together 10 years and have been working on her budget for along just as long. Sara started out with $8,000 (any birthday or holiday money we got went straight to her account, plus a portion from our paychecks each month). It pays for her daycare, clothes, toys, whatever she needs it comes out of her own account.
Glad you started this conversation. I honestly couldn’t read this in one sitting, it was that depressing. (That’s a compliment, I swear!) Maybe part 3 will include a magic strategy to erase 6-figure debt?! Yes? …No?
HA I wish I had a magic formula! I have some advice though. It worked for me, but it definitely doesn’t leave me debt-free any time soon. I’m glad you appreciated it though. More to come!
This is a topic that needs to be brought up more. We are suffering! I’m about $100k in debt between federal loans, private loans, and a loan my mother took out for me under her name. While I didn’t go for a law degree, I went for an BFA in Interior Design. I somehow feel like my school was just signing away. Each month I was told I wasn’t going to be able to finish school due to lack of funds and had to keep applying for loans. At the end I had 14 federal loans out and 2 private. Now I’m struggling to pay- forget about the loan y mom has- I can’t even begin to touch that. My federal loans are on a forbearance (yes, I know racking up more interest) and my private loans are on an income base driven repayment plan. What else am I to do? They promise you jobs out of college, and you only land the minimum. I have worked my way up the ladder but my husband and I are still struggling. I literally just asked him the other day- what are we doing wrong when all these people take lavish vacations or do fun things. We have a child coming in about two months- and I’m stressed to think I’m brining him into this world. It needs to change. Something has to happen. We are all told you can’t be anything without a degree. And where does that leave us?
You’re not alone girl. Everyone our age is suffering and it’s sad. Thanks for bringing this topic up!
Geez, I totally feel you on that whole comment. Thanks for sharing. I definitely recommend the podcast. It doesn’t necessarily give you advice, but there are stories on there that can make you feel less alone in your struggle. I agree that it’s hard – you feel like you will pay back the loans because the degree you got must somehow be worth the money you paid for it, but it seems like it never ends up that way. I can’t imagine the added stress of having a kid, I’ll be putting it off for as long as I can, but more on that next week, too!
OMG, OMG leave us hanging, why don’t you!???? I can’t stand the suspense; it’s like The Handmaid’s Tale all over again.
HAHA. I learn from the best. Praise Be. Under His Eye. But in this case, “He” is FedLoan servicing.
Ok where to start without making this depressing. I went to college for 10 years. I graduated with over $407K in loans (private and government) and everyone can now call me Dr. just not in public because then people ask what kind of doctor and I tell them I am a veterinarian and then they want to tell me all about their dog and ask me to look at photo of some lump or some poop sample that they took a picture of or even sending me pictures of their dogs penis (yes totally for real, dick pics) and asking if things are normal. I took a job for $20K less (I had multiple jobs offers when I moved back home to South Florida) because I knew it was a practice I could grow in and become a doctor that practiced gold standard medicine with compassion for each person and animal. I am not only a doctor but I am also a psychiatrist but I am thought less of than a mechanic because people think treating pets should be free (when was the last time you asked your mechanic for a discount on your engine or some tires? yeah no, never, they fix the car, you pay them). Veterinary medicine has surpassed Dentistry in the suicide rate. Mainly because our debt to income ratio is so high, we get treated like crap and we are expected to be available at all times. People complain about waiting 10 minutes to see the doctor. I have NEVER waited less than 45 minutes to see my OB/GYN who is double booked (not really allowed in human medicine) every damn time! (and I always have her first appointment)and I do not complain about this, I should, I should treat everyone else how I get treated but I am a good person and I am patient (I thank my time living on an island for patience). I will NEVER pay off my debt. I am on income based repayment because I cannot afford the $1400+ a month lone payment (thats the government loan, the private alone is $560 a month). I cannot live in the area I work because I cannot afford it. I work over 60 hours a week and bring records home with me, I do not get paid for those, I am on salary. But I am a new graduate, and the veterinary world still lives about 20-30 years behind the medical world. It is thought that everyone needs to pay their dues, whatever that means, even if it means being in practice for 40 years, because you still haven’t worked as hard as someone else, or seen enough. Thats where burn out comes in. It is real, at least 4 vets commute suicide every month. Burn out is now being talked about in vet schools, we have counseling sessions on it and classes. We work so hard and medicine is not perfect and we can only do our best, and the worst part is, our best is pretty damn good (at least mine is) and medicine just isn’t perfect. At the end of the day, I go home, I get some wine, I do my records and I have stress dreams all night about work and I wake up and do it again the next day…it’s called compassion fatigue, and you can’t quit because there are student loans to pay. Vets joke all the time about just dying because then there would be no more debt, and most vets when asked if they would do it all over again say NO. I LOVE my job and I LOVE being a vet, I have wanted to do this since I can remember, but I am in debt, and I will be forever, until I die, which is why I am paying off my private loan first ($37K, thanks Sallie Mea with a 8.5% interest rate). I don’t know much about finance but I know that I like soup and soup is cheap, and I know that wine in a box can be cheap too. I try not to worry too much about my debt, I know I will try and pay my bills and if I need to pick up another day at work I guess I can work more (how many hours are in a week again?). I won’t even go into work life balance because that is a whole other issue (like you said Emily, seeing all your friends travel and you aren’t, I get it) I took 3 days of my 10 days vacation and I got shit for it, I deserve those vacation days, I have worked for 7 months straight and have worked almost every weekend and I do not get two days off in a row, I needed the break, and I earned it. Debt sucks, and I hate reading every damn month about another suicide in my profession due to stress of money and work and trying to balance a life. We try to save lives every day and yet many of my colleagues are taking their own. Emily your are very brave for talking about money and you don’t even have the burden of your job (anymore) but the debt still haunts you, I can sympathize that that is a very difficult thing to live with and I applaud you for making a career change, because in my profession most people aren’t strong enough to due it.
Thank you for writing about these issues. I feel like I need to talk to a financial adviser to know if I should keep putting away 10% of each paycheck into savings or what, I have no retirement, the loans will continue to grow, why put all of my money into that hole as long as PAYE is in effect, but if I ever earn more will it just be too depressing? Like my payments ARE at $200/month right now and that feels like hell (on top of $366/month for health insurance). I feel like I went to law school to get the 160K big firm salary job and would have paid off loans in 2-4 years, but have no idea how it will be done now. 20 year forgiveness + tax hell in early 50’s, or aggressive plan after extremely improbable high salary increase?
I have the same thoughts every day. What if I switch jobs and all of a sudden make a lot more money? Highly improbably, like you said, but STILL. I will be tackling those issues in upcoming installments. I think about it all the time. Is it even worth switching jobs to get more money when it just means throwing more money down a bottomless pit? Thanks for sharing.