I’ve Peaked – My Macy’s Parade Fantasy Come True

I’ve peaked. There’s nowhere to go but down. I have achieved my life goal at age 31 and it’s only downhill from here. Why get engaged? Why get married? Why have kids? I already have enough Facebook likes for the entirety of my life. I was in the Macy’s Parade.

There is only one reason to set the alarm for 4:30 am on a day where you don’t have work, and that’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I should revise that last sentence. I didn’t have to work at my typical 9-5, but I did have a very important job to do: Clowning Around! As you may have read two weeks ago in my equally-as-thrilled blog post, I was a Viking Clown in the parade. If you are still wondering how I got the gig, check out my last blog post.

I know that what you really want to know are my stream of consciousness thoughts during the best day of my life, so you’re in luck. Here we go:

4:30 am: My alarm went off. I proceeded to be very confused because it was 100% dark out and my emoji-bf was still fast asleep. He is ALWAYS up before me. But like a normal hum

an, he was sleeping in on his day off. I am not a normal human. When I finally realized why my alarm had gone off, I rocketed out of bed to get ready. IT WAS PARADE DAY!!!

4:32 am: I brushed my teeth while scrolling through my phone furiously. I successfully went to bed at 11:30 pm the night before the parade (a full 5 hours of sleep!). While I slept, my phone started to blow up with good luck wishes by text, Instagram DM and Facebook comments. Obviously, I had posted about the parade before I went to sleep, and everyone wanted a piece of the action. Duh.

4:34 am: I attempted to write people back via text message, and then remembered it was still before 5 am and thought better of it.

4:36 am: I contemplated making eggs for breakfast, but instead ate half of a chicken cutlet from the fridge (no time for microwaving!), and I definitely did NOT drink any coffee or water. Remember this for later.

4:40 am: I began layering. I wore 5 layers. A sports bra (a lot of walking was to be done!), a long sleeved thermal shirt, another long-sleeved shirt, a down running vest, and another down vest. And that was just on top. I also wore multiple layers on my legs. And my feet. Then I started to pack my stuff in my pockets. ID necessary to get into the costuming hotel, a granola bar in case my half of a cold chicken cutlet wouldn’t cut it (spoiler alert: granola bar was needed), 4 sets of hand warmers, and of course a portable cell phone charger and cord. So many photos to take!

5:05 am: (yes, it took me 25 minutes to put on clothes) I tried to go to the bathroom for the 5^th time. I lamented forgetting to buy Depends because even with no coffee or water, I knew I would probably have to pee.

5:10 am: I walked to the subway. It was much colder than I thought it would be. Just kidding, it was just as cold as I knew it would be. 16 degrees. Woah.

5:45 am: I arrived at the New Yorker Hotel, where I saw a HUGE line of people wrapped around the entrance. I got in line, thinking I would definitely freeze before I even got my makeup on. I tried to chat with the people around me. The guy behind me in line was the Elf on a Shelf. I tried to find him later on TV but all I saw was the balloon. You think he *WAS* the balloon???

5:50 am: A guy came to try and warm up the crowd. A fluffer, of sorts. He asked us if we were excited. Then he told us all to take our lassos out and wave them around our heads to show our excitement. Then he said, “Knock Knock” Us: “Who’s there?” Him: “Yah” Us: “Yah-hoo!” He got all of us. With our lassos in the air. It did make us laugh and warm us up a bit.

5:52 am: A guy asked for anyone with a 5:45 call time and took us to the front of the line and into the hotel! Yay! Warmth! We scanned our tickets and I followed signs to the clown staging area. There were balloon handlers, banner holders, etc, and they each had different areas.

5:55 am – 6:25 am: I put on my costume. Yes, this took 30 minutes. AGAIN. Each type of clown had a helper to explain which costume pieces went where. This was not as self-explanatory as you may have thought. There were an additional 3 layers that were somehow supposed to go over the 5 layers I was already wearing. There were leggings to go over my 3 pairs of pants, and then fur-leg-warmers that had to go on top of those. I took my shoes off and put them back on 3 times because I kept forgetting parts. If you think it’s difficult getting up off the floor, try doing it in 7 layers of clothes. It’s no small feat. After I finally was completely dressed with my wig cap on, and with promises that my makeup artist would be able to help me fit my ear warmers under my wig so they wouldn’t show (and so I wouldn’t freeze), I went on to the makeup line.

6:30 am: MAKEUP! This was incredible. There were rows and rows of makeup artists, with number paddles like in line at Trader Joes. My makeup artist told me she had been doing makeup for the Parade for 22 years! She said, “I live for this day.” And I was like “ME TOO GURL.” We were a match made in heaven. She told me that each clown used to have different makeup, which was more fun and creative for her, but now it was streamlined and all of the clowns had the same makeup. Then she asked if I wanted to do my own eye makeup after she asked if I had contact lenses (I do). I told her “NAH, I want the professional to do my makeup even if it means sacrificing my eyes forever.” She was hesitant but she did it. All was good, though. And she let me take a few selfies as we went along. Sure enough, she helped fit my ear muffs under my wig-hat, and then I was off to the buses!

6:45 am: We boarded the buses waiting outside for us and started uptown. I was surprised the streets weren’t closed, we were just traveling with normal traffic uptown. Thankfully there is very little traffic at 6:50 am on Thanksgiving morning, and we made it up to 80^th street by 7 am. While I was on the bus, my sister texted me that she was bundled up and on her way to watch the parade with my brother! Thankfully, they were running a little late (7 am is LATE to get a good spot) so the timing was perfect for me to meet them at my bus stop! We took 3 minutes to chat and take photos, and then they went on their way to find a spot. Thankfully, again, since it was 16 degrees (maybe not “thankfully”), there were less people out early to watch, so my siblings got a GREAT spot!

6:55 am: I made my way to “Clown Corner #1” which is where I was supposed to meet my other clown comrades. Along the way, I took photos of some balloon handlers getting in formation and having team meetings. Also, SO MANY PEOPLE wanted a photo of me – balloon handlers, police officers, even other clowns! The Viking costume was definitely the most involved of the costumes. I mean, I had a massive golden boob corset, yarn braids and a shield. Come on.

7-9 am: We waited. And tried to stay warm. Things I did to try and stay warm:

• Run in place. Thankfully I was wearing sneakers. And 3 pairs of socks.
• Use hand warmers. I had 2 in each of my gloves. I also put some in my golden corset. In hindsight, I wished I had put some in my shoes.
• Stalked Al Roker. Really though. Every year, I scream to him about how much I love him. He usually returns these advances with a smile and a wave. This year I was very close to him when I declared my love for him. And I was in a Viking outfit. He did not return this advance with a smile and a wave. I think I scared poor Al. Why doesn’t he remember me!?
• Went to the port-o-potty. It makes a person warm to try and take off and put back on 7 layers of clothes in a small space. This was probably the grossest part of the morning. I kept my shield and other accessories outside.
• Took a lot of photos. A lot. And boomerangs.

9:00 am: THE PARADE BEGAN! I was in the 8^th clown group, which was pretty close to the beginning. I was very excited about that at this point because I was starting to lose feeling in my toes. I did get a foot cramp while I waited, probably a result of my willful dehydration as preparation for no bathrooms. Luckily my foot uncramped just in time for me to scream and take a selfie with John Legend as his float traveled past us, and then it was go-time!

9:20 am: “Viking Clowns, you can JOIN THE PARADE!” It was finally time. I clowned around like the best version of myself for more than an hour. I saw my brother and sister uptown around 75^th street, and they took (terrible) photos of me, and I got to wave and scream Happy Thanksgiving to millions of people along the parade route. We were strategically positioned after the How to Train Your Dragon Toothless Dragon balloon, and the James Madison University marching band. This was amazing placement because the poor band played the entire parade! It gave us something to dance and sing along to as we spread Thanksgiving cheer to the crowds.

It was definitely cold, but as I ran and skipped and marched down the parade route, high-fiving everyone along the way, I started to get warm. VERY warm. Keep in mind, I was running miles while wearing 7 layers and a Viking hat/wig. At around mile 2, I gave my hand warmers to some very appreciative spectators. Then, I wiped the sweat off of my brow from under my Viking hat, being incredibly careful not to smudge my makeup. Spoiler alert: I definitely smudged my makeup.

There were a lot of Ohio State fans along the route because their band was in the parade as well, and as a diehard Florida Gator fan, I was not a huge fan of all of the red and white. I did see about 6 people along the route with Gator gear on, and I was sure to scream “GO GATORS” to them. It may be the first time they heard that from a Viking!

A longtime family friend was watching the parade and had let me know where she was standing, so I looked for her and she screamed to me and we found each other! We even took a selfie. I also saw my best friend’s extended family, and her cousin took the funniest video of me ever. You can see me just doin’ my clown thang in the background for seconds until the incessant screaming of my name made another Viking Clown motion for me to come over. It’s such a funny video because it does show me in my element.

10:20 am: We reached 38^th Street and came to a stop. Little known fact: There were no kids in the parade this year. I know you are all thinking I am lying because you saw them on TV, but the reality is, it was too cold. They didn’t allow the kids to be on the floats, and they loaded them on at 35^th street for a 1-block ride through Herald Square! It was definitely a good decision but created a bit of a logistical nightmare for families in the parade whose parents went uptown while they left their kids down at 35^th street.

Anyway, we waited while Macy’s staff collected our confetti plastic bags (no plastic on TV!) and we took our final handfuls of confetti to throw in fistfuls in our hands. (I also stuffed a handful into my golden corset. I made sure not to reach in there on TV LOL.)

Then, we waited just out of Herald Square while we listened to John Legend “sing” and it was finally our turn!! I made the career-ending mistake of interacting with the actual people in the stands, instead of going to the south side of the street to be on camera. Therefore, no matter what all of you amazing fa+ns may have thought, you did not actually see me on TV. Thankfully, my makeup artist did my makeup the exact same as every other makeup artist, so I looked eerily similar to the 2 seconds of Viking Clowns they actually showed. But no, it was not me. Sigh.

10:40 am: All of us Viking clown high-fived each other for a clown-job-well-done, and walked back to the New Yorker hotel to give back our costumes. We took an awesome photo in a deserted, closed-off street on the way, and posed with a few more spectators. Then most clowns went to the makeup-removal-room. BUT NOT THIS CLOWN. I wore that fantastic makeup all the way back home. And let me tell you, NOTHING phases a New Yorker. I didn’t get a single strange look.

WILL THERE BE A NEXT YEAR!? Will Al Roker recognize me, and my lifelong dream will happen TWICE IN ONE DAY?? Stay tuned, I’ll keep you posted.