Dante’s Inferno Subway Car

20 days into summer and it officially happened to me. The most dreaded thing for all New Yorkers. And yet the most inevitable as well. No, I do not mean finding a roach in your apartment (inevitable). Or a mariachi band on your commute home after a 14-hour day (also inevitable). This is arguably worse than both: an un-air conditioned subway car.

You have heard the stories, and if you have ever lived through a summer in this steamy, garbage-stenched city, you have probably experienced it. This living horror story never happens when you are on your way home, minutes from a cold shower, or on your way to a pool where you can cool off (supposedly a few of these exist in Manhattan-proper; it’s like a unicorn). No, these 5-10 minutes of Dante’s Inferno hell ALWAYS happen on your way to work, or worse, on your way to an important business meeting or interview. This is Satan’s way of making sure that when you show up, you smell half like a homeless person, and half like rotting garbage, and your hair is plastered to your face to really accentuate your cheekbones and the mascara-tinged-sweat that is still slowly dripping down the sides of your previously well-made-up face. Am I exaggerating? Maybe slightly. But for the most part, no. This is by far one of the worst things that can happen to a New Yorker in the summer besides finding out your landlord is raising your rent 15% (this actually happened to me).

In the past, I have recounted several experiences in stream of consciousness, from my one and only half marathon, to my thoughts leading up to my first date with my emoji boyfriend. Dante’s Inferno Subway Car is one of those highly-relatable phenomena that lends itself to second-by-second analysis. Every second’s thoughts being mostly, “GET ME THE F*CK OUT OF HERE.” Read my thoughts below and let me know in the comments if you’ve ever had the same feelings.

• “YES. Only 2 minutes until the next train. Maybe I’ll actually be on time.”
  • Note: You are ALWAYS running late when this happens, it’s like Newton’s 4th Law
• “Empty car? This is too good to be true.”
  • Note: It’s ALWAYS too good to be true.
• *doors open* “Hmm, the air coming out seems warm, is it warm?” *walks in car*
• *doors close* “OMG I HAVE ENTERED THE GATES OF HELL. SOMEBODY HELP ME.”
• “I have 3 stops, can I make it all the way there in this steam room of rotting human flesh?”
• *looks around* “There are at least 10 other people in here that are managing. I can do this.”
• “I CANNOT DO THIS. HOW ARE THESE 10 PEOPLE DOING THIS?!”
• “3 stops to go, though, is it worth switching cars?”
• “I’m switching cars at the next stop.”
• *peeps through window to next car, sees it’s completely full*
• “Ok maybe it’s actually better in here with all of my room! It’s hot, but at least no one else is in here.”
• *legs slide down seat because of sweat between them* “It’s not better. Still 2 stops to go? I gotta get out of here.”
• *train stops between stations* “You’ve got to be kidding me. Am I being Punk’d?”
• *looks around, sees no cameras, sees a lot of other miserable people* “Why is no one else sweating as much as me?”
• “Do you think they would notice if I wiped my face with my shirt?”
• *wipes face with shirt* “SHIT I forgot I was wearing foundation. Now my makeup AND my shirt are ruined.”
• “Who even cares, no one will be able to see past the fact that I look like I casually popped in a pool on my way here.”
• “Remember that time when I blow-dried my hair this morning? LOL”
• “Well at least I remembered waterproof mascara today. Was my eyeliner waterproof?”
• “They should really advertise this specific situation in makeup commercials.”
• “No, they shouldn’t. No one would buy a product with anyone in the commercial looking like how I look right now.”
• “I know my parents constantly remind me that subways never had AC back in their day, but ‘their day’ was BEFORE GLOBAL WARMING WAS A THING.”
• “What if I actually die in here? How long does it take to die from heat?”
• “Ok, I’d probably faint first. That might be more comfortable than consciousness.”
• “Is it possible to make oneself faint?”
• “Then I’d definitely be late, though. But it would be a great excuse.”
• *doors open* “One stop to go, switching cars!” *runs faster than I have in years of going to run club*
• “OMG I never thought I’d get to heaven and yet here I am.”
• “Are wet t-shirt contests still a thing? Because I think I’m #Winning”
• “Does this count as my workout for the day? I think I sweat more in the past 7 minutes than I did in Spin class last night.”
• “What are the chances I dry off before my destination? Probs slim to none.”

Well, there you have it. In all of its #sweatzilla, disgusting glory. Note to the tourists visiting NYC in the summer, BEWARE the empty subway car, don’t even bother trying to do your hair, and ALWAYS bring extra deodorant.