Big City Living, Miscellaneous

Reading in NYC (Read Across America Day – Part 2)

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Last Friday was Read Across America Day, and in honor of that, I’m in the middle of a short series on my passion for books. A few days ago, I talked about reading in general. Now, I’ll write about the challenges of reading in New York City (there are a lot). And stay tuned for the final segment coming soon about my experience with Goodreads.

Picture this: You’re inside a steel tube, traveling anywhere from 10-55 miles per hour, standing, possibly holding on to a pole nearby, or possibly just bending your knees slightly to keep from falling onto the other 180 passengers in your rush hour car that are smushed like sardines. Now imagine all of that, and add a 500-page book in your hands. What do you do when you need to flip the page? Do you wait until you’re stopped? Is it worse then, because people are pushing past you to try and exit? Do you try and flip the page while in motion and just hope the subway doesn’t screech to a halt at the exact moment you take your hand off of the wall?

Alternative situation: You actually get a seat on the train! MIRACLE! And then you look up from your book because the bass from a portable speaker wakes you from your reading reverie. And you hear the dreaded words, “IT’S SHOWTIME!!” All of a sudden, you can’t see the words on the page because some youngster’s sneakers are dangling in front of your face as he swings from the pole above your head.

These are a few of the perils of reading in NYC. It’s not easy. Yet 8 years later, I consider myself a master.

When I was in law school, I used to read textbooks on the train. This is when I honed my skills. I managed to balance enough to read, highlight, AND make margin notes. I mastered the art of finding a vertical pole, instead of a horizontal one, and hooking my elbow around it, so I could hold the case book open in one hand and make notes with the other. From that point on, I knew if I could do that, I could read anything. If I could understand corporate law, I could easily read a YA novel while in motion.

One essential key to being successful at NYC reading: earbuds. A (non-NYC resident) friend recently remarked that she couldn’t believe I read while I listen to music. It’s less about the music, and more about the blocking of other background noise. For example, the constant barrage of people begging for money. Another example, the other day I was on a train from 72nd to 14th street on a weekend, and there were announcements the entire time about service changes. I couldn’t understand half of the announcements, but the staticky sound is worse than a little background Pentatonix in my ears while I read about Hillary Clinton. Earbuds keep me in the zone. I can tune out everything around me. This may also be why I’m so bad at celebrity-spotting – I’m in my own world!

It should follow that I like audiobooks, but that is not the case. Every once in a while, you do need to take out your earbuds to hear an essential announcement. For example, your train is skipping all stops between 59th street and 125th street. This has happened multiple times. If I’m listening to an audiobook I can miss a crucial part, and it’s not easy to rewind and find the spot! I find myself staring into space, reading the subway ads (doesn’t everyone LOVE the new OKCupid campaign?), and of course, people-watching. I prefer to stick with paper books, so I can see where I left off and find my spot after observing the many colorful people and their various face tattoos.

Speaking of paper books, wouldn’t a Kindle be easier? YES. The answer is invariably, yes. First of all, New Yorkers don’t have cars to leave their stuff in. If you bring anything with you, you will be carrying it all day long. The preference is always “less is more.” A 500-page book is never the first choice. Also, it’s easier to flick to the next page than to balance and deftly page-turn. However, nothing beats the feeling of a real book. Also, it’s easier for me to focus on paper than on a screen, but that is my personal preference. To give my shoulders a rest from heavy bags, I generally switch back and forth between real books and kindle books, depending on which is available from the library. This brings me to my next point – the amazing, fantastic, best library system ever: the New York Public Library System.

The NYPL currently has 92 locations including four research centers and a network of neighborhood libraries throughout the Bronx, Manhattan, and Staten Island. The Library serves 18 million patrons who come through its doors annually; in addition, the Library’s website receives 32 million visits annually from more than 200 countries. WOAH. That needed its own paragraph.

I love the library. How else could I go through 4-5 books/month and still have money to pay astronomical rent?? There is almost nothing in this city that is completely free of charge, but the library is one of those things. Sort of. I tend to rack up overdue fees because I get carried away and check out too many books at a time. I never mind paying overdue fees, though, because I feel like I’m supporting the library, 25 cents at a time! Also, you can pay online with a credit card and get points! Love me some credit card points. The flip side of overdue fees is yet another positive part of the library – eventually you need to return the books. Some may not view this as a positive. If you think this is a negative, you must not live in New York. In 500 square feet or less. Where would I keep all of the books!? It’s great that I can keep 2 or 3 at a time and then swap them out. I feel like Matilda where she brings her books back and forth to the library in her red wagon, except it’s me on the subway.

The best part about the library, besides it being my favorite price, is their hold lists. You can go on the NYPL website, put any book you want on hold and tell them which branch you want to pick it up, and you get an email when it’s there. The book is set aside, at the front of the library, labeled with your library card number, and you are in and out in under a minute. They even have self-checkout kiosks (when they’re working). It’s so easy, I never understand when people tell me they don’t use the library. The number one comment I hear from people is that they don’t use the library because they only use e-readers. Well guess what? They have those, too. Not the actual e-reader, but the e-books! They have Kindle format, overdrive format, 3M format… everything! FO FREE. It’s amazing.

Overall, the best part of reading in NYC is the fact that you can read during your commute. I complained a lot about the subway distractions at the beginning of this post, but I remind myself often that if I drove to work, I’d never be able to read in transit. The fact that I can read, and on good days, SIT and read, while I get to where I’m going, is a luxury I must address. I remember the years of sitting in traffic to commute, trying to distract myself by listening to the corny morning radio host, but nothing beats reading a book while someone else does the driving for you. If it wasn’t for New York, I’d read a lot less. That being said, it can be a challenge, but practice makes perfect.

Stay tuned later this week for my experience using Goodreads, how I use it to find my next books, rate my favorites, and keep track of all of the ones I’ve read – there are a lot!

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Miscellaneous

Reading (Read Across America Day – Part 1)

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Obviously I love to write. Why else would I have this blog that I don’t even get paid for? But even more than I love to write, I LOVE to read. My boss at this gym asked me this week what I was reading, and she said, “Whenever someone tells me that they don’t have time to read, I tell them about you. Because you’re the busiest person I know and yet you always have a book in your bag.” I felt pretty proud of that.

Yesterday was Read Across America Day, and in honor of that, I’m going to do a short series on my passion for books. First, about reading in general. Then, about how I can read in NYC. It’s a challenge. And finally, about Goodreads, which has changed my life and has opened my eyes to many, many, many more books.

Speaking of NYC, my constant reading is now a consequence of my V long subway rides (made longer every day by the nonfunctioning MTA), but it wasn’t always that way. I used to hate reading. In fact, my parents used to BRIBE me to read. With money. Granted it was only a quarter per book (change used to actually buy things back then!), but I used to have a chart in my room where I could put up a sticker every time I read a book. Clearly this led to some childish “cheating,” trying to figure out what the SHORTEST books were. Also, for some reason I loved reading books in series. Maybe it felt like less books because a lot of the characters were the same. The two different book series I remember clearly reading every one of was the Babysitter’s Club and Nancy Drew. I loved Nancy Drew. But never Hardy Boys. EW BOYS. COOTIES. I truly believe my Nancy Drew addiction blossomed into my later-in-life Law and Order SVU addiction. Sort of similar (looking at you, Detective Benson).

A lot has changed since my early days of reading bribery. For example, the store where I got my books doesn’t even exist anymore! RIP Borders. I went through a very long “sick-lit” phase where the only books I read were about people dying. I knew more about cancer and brain tumors than 99% of healthy 12-year-olds. I remember every Monday night, going to Borders for my brother to play chess with the old men in the café (this really happened), and I would scour the back of the store for a new book by Lurlene McDaniel. Literally every single book she wrote, I read. According to her Wikipedia, she has written more than 70. I had favorites. I had favorite diseases. I think I was sick, myself. Mentally. But my mom never complained, she was just happy I was reading without her shelling out a quarter per book for me.

I don’t read exclusively sicklit anymore, but I do have some favorite authors, and some of them do love sicklit. Every author in this paragraph, I’ve read every book by them. And if they have new books coming out soon, I already have a hold on their books at the library. First there’s Lisa Genova, who writes almost exclusively about illness, but in a more neuroscience-y way (graduated valedictorian, summa cum laude from Bates College with a degree in Biopsychology and has a Ph.D. in Neuroscience from Harvard University… she’s pretty smart). You probably know her book, Still Alice, because it was made into an award-winning movie with Julianne Moore. And then of course another brand of literature I eat up… anything sad and terrible. Enter, Jodi Picoult. She writes about suicide, and school shootings, and racism. It’s too much to handle for some people, but I just love it. I listened to her most recent book, Small Great Things, on audio on my phone, because the wait list for the paper version was too long and I just HAD to hear it right away. There were at least 10 times where I was walking down the street or sitting on the subway with a steady stream of tears down my face. Then there is the new-comer to the scene, Liane Moriarty. You probably also know her because of the HBO series made from her book, Big Little Lies, with Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Shailene Woodley and Laura Dern. I mean, come on, to get a cast like that, obviously the book was amazing. That was not even my favorite book of hers. I have many other favorites. I love chicklit in general, and I think 90% of the books I read are written by women. Jennifer Weiner, Lisa Scottoline, you name it, I’ve read them all. This year, I am keeping track of the gender of the authors I read in my bullet journal. I’ll keep you posted. If you follow me on Goodreads, you will be up-to-date with all of the books on my shelves, but more on that later this week.

My newest goal this year is to read more non-fiction. I had a head-start last year with a few comedian memoirs (Amy Schumer, Jessi Klein, Mindy Kaling, Lauren Graham), and then some heavier ones (Forty Million Dollar Slaves, F*cked: Being Sexually Explorative and Self-Confident in a World That’s Screwed). Currently, I am reading the KWEEN, Hillary Rodham Clinton’s book, What Happened, and I love it so much. I have some other great feminist reads lined up like Shrill, Hunger, and Lean In. I can’t wait to read them all. But I’ll probably space them out with chicklit in between. Gotta keep it light. It’s heavy enough just to open Twitter nowadays.

That brings me to my next point… why I like to read. I love stories. I like to tell them, I like to hear them, and I love to read them. They are an escape. I recently started reading Young Adult novels occasionally because they are a great escape. The subject matter is sometimes heavy, but they are quick, easy reads, and they are a good respite from heavier reads like the non-fiction I just wrote about. My absolute favorite YA book from last year is The Hate U Give, about a young girl whose best friend is killed by a police officer. Not a light topic. HIGHLY recommend. It was also the Goodreads 2017 Choice winner for both YA book and debut author.

Books also give you a chance to learn. Especially after finishing school, which took 3 years too long – thanks law school, I feel like books are the main way to learn something new. Whether it’s a word you never heard before, or something about a disease (sicklit!), or a chance to empathize with a character you never knew you could identify with, it is an opportunity to go outside of yourself. After three years of law school, reading mostly school books, cases, and case notes because I didn’t have time to read the full case, it is a breath of fresh air to get to choose the reading material. That is not to say, however, that I never read anything amazing in law school. One book comes to mind, Is There No Place on Earth for Me? by Susan Sheehan, Robert M. Coles. That book was assigned as part of a Mental Health and the Law class, about a teenager who became schizophrenic and spent 17 years in and out of mental institutions. It taught me about history, schizophrenia, New York deinstitutionalization, and about the emotions of a person with mental illness. I would recommend it to anyone.

People often ask me how I find books, or how I decide what to read next. Honestly, I read anything I find interesting. That may change from day to day. I use my mom as my personal librarian. She is an active member of four books clubs. If you think I read a lot, you should talk to her! She has been keeping a journal of her books, with reviews and ratings, for decades. We have similar taste in books, so she is always recommending books to me. I don’t use a paper journal (although I do keep my stats in my bullet journal), but every time she recommends something, I put it on my to-read shelf on Goodreads. More on that later this week. Speaking of Goodreads, that’s another way I find books. Also, social media and the good old New York Times best seller list. Something I am DYING to read is An American Marriage, about the toll a falsely accused husband’s incarceration takes on a young married couple, which debuted on the best seller list. It’s also an Oprah’s Book Club Selection (another way I pick books). I’m on the wait list at the library for it.

I use books for different purposes, and one of them is just to kill time. As I mentioned, I have very long subway rides. It’s the best time to read uninterrupted. Although it’s often interrupted. More on that later this week when I tell you about the challenges of reading in NYC! Stay tuned.

Do you have any favorite authors or books? Leave them in the comments, I’m always looking to add more to my shelves.

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Miscellaneous

Jury Duty

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The first of Jury Duty is: you complain about Jury Duty.

In an effort to not go against the rules, here we go: let me set the scene. It’s last Wednesday, the temperature in New York had been hovering at an inhuman 5 degrees Fahrenheit for a week already. The weatherman was warning us of certain death to come the next day. Ok, not certain death, but a BOMBOGENESIS. Now don’t get me wrong, I work for 1,700 rabbis and that term was CLEARLY biblical in origin, but I had never heard of it. All I knew was, it was cold AF and the meteorologists I follow on twitter (shoutout @jimcantore) were comparing it to a blizzard-hurricane combo. What in the literal f***.

I left work on Wednesday praying for a snow day… until I realized I wasn’t going to work the next day anyway. I had jury duty. My coworkers kept telling me that in this impending storm, the courts were sure to close. Call the night before, they said. If schools close, the courts will close, they said. They were wrong.

So the next morning, as all of my coworkers snuggled in bed in their PJs with hot coffee in mugs… I put on 4 layers of clothes and snow boots, and trudged through wind gusts and horizontal blowing snow down to Chinatown. Don’t get me wrong, I’d LOVE to serve on a jury. As an ex-attorney who has watched every episode of law and order 100 times and still has a pretty adamant hatred toward police, I can think of nothing I’d rather do more than explain to my fellow jurors what “innocent until proven guilty” and “beyond a reasonable doubt” means. I had dreams of 12 Angry Men, but with me as the holdout juror that convinces everyone else that a man was clearly innocent. I have incredible distrust for authority in general, and that extends even further against the police. In other words, there’s pretty much no way in hell I’d be picked for a criminal jury. I have “pre-emptive strike” written across my forehead in red permanent marker. However, this is what made my jury duty trip even more frustrating. I knew it was for naught! Maybe next time I’m called, I can just send them this blog as evidence and skip the blizzard-hurricane trek downtown. But even worse, I was selected for a jury in civil court. BO-RING.

But, I did it. I didn’t have a choice. I had a jury summons that said, “PREVIOUSLY ABSENT, MUST SERVE.” In red. You see, I had been called for jury duty before. Twice, in fact. The first time, I was going to be in London on the date of service, so I requested my automatic one-time adjournment. The second time I was summoned I was going to be in Costa Rica. But there’s no automatic second adjournment option, so I just didn’t show up. I know, I know, world’s smallest violin playing for me and my worldly travels. Point is, I had to go to the court house this time, bombogenesis or not.

I got down there and sure enough, there in the hallway were 100 other of my soon-to-be-closest-friends. We all complained together. It was a grand old time. Once we were let in the waiting room, there was a woman who told us all about jury duty. She is the equivalent of a “fluffer” in porn. Getting us all ready for the big show. Another simile: she was like the warm-up comedian before the live taping of The View; she got us HYPE for what was to come, and she thought way too highly of herself and her power trip. Maybe I should have used that second comparison first.

Anyway, this woman was obnoxious. She told us approximately 118 times that if we were unable to serve, we needed to go across the street and request an adjournment. Not too many people left. In hindsight, I am 90% sure this is because no one wanted to go outside, period. The bombogenesis was in full effect and I was monitoring the auto-text messaging from NY Courts as various court closings came through to my phone. New York City was never one of them. And then we sat.

And then we continued to sit. Jury duty is a lot of sitting. Thankfully I brought my kindle. But even better, jury duty is PRIME people watching. It would make a great case study. Over 100 people in a room, trapped and waiting, antsy and half asleep. The guy behind me started the snore. The woman next to me took out a Joel Osteen book. It was going to be a longggg day.

Soon enough, I made friends. This happens pretty much everywhere I go. There was a girl who was a nurse at NYU who was semi thankful to be in jury duty dong nothing versus in the ER dealing with bombogenesis fallout. And my friend Mrs. Joel Osteen was a nursery school aid/home business entrepreneur aka skincare pyramid scheme participant. Yes, she asked for my contact information. No, my skin has not improved.

After 4 hours of sitting and waiting, a state of emergency was declared for New York City. The volume of chatter increased as we discussed what that meant for our fates. Our warm-up comedian came out of her side office, and told us that there was only one judge in, and he didn’t need us. She told us we were getting credit for time served. (I know that’s the incarceration term, not the jury duty term, but same thing.) CHEERS erupted from the crowd. Some guy in the back wished our warm-up comedian’s grandson a happy birthday. She thanked him. I wondered how they got so close in 4 hours’ time.

I picked up my paper proving my service, quickly took a photo of it and uploaded it to the cloud so as never to lose credit for my time, and I sloshed my way back to the subway. In my four hours in the dungeons of civil court, a foot of snow had fallen. I finally arrived home around 3 pm, left to ponder all of those criminals I didn’t get a chance to save from jail. Maybe next time. In 7 years.

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Long Legs and other Personal Problems, Miscellaneous

Resolutions

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Christmas is behind us, which means New Year’s Day is upon us. And nothing says January 1st like a resolution that will fail by February 1st, amirite?? As a fitness instructor of 11 years, I can tell you for a fact that the gym is about to be PACKED for 3 shorts weeks. And then it will empty out again.

But to be perfectly honest, I don’t hate resolutions OR “resolutioners,” as I call the 3-week gym goers. I understand wanting to better yourself, and trying to set a benchmark and a starting point. You’ve all probably heard the phrase “diet starts on Monday!” Well a resolution is just a yearly “diet starts on Monday” with a more memorable date, because it’s literally the first day. I am generally pretty sarcastic about these people who make and fail at resolutions time and time again. But the reason I mock them is not because I think what they are doing is wrong, I just think they are using the wrong method. Also, TBH I love when the gym is full for a few weeks, it makes my Spin classes completely full and a lot more fun! But do I love showing people how to set up their bikes knowing that they will not get on one 48 weeks of the year? Not as much.

So in my very humble opinion, what is the right method, if I am so sure that this is the wrong method? The right way is to not set yourself up to fail. When I worked at lululemon, we did a lot of work in our orientation and training on goal-setting. I know, I know, so culty. I will post about my experience working there another time. Anyway, the goals of the employees are actually posted in the store on display for customers. It’s true, ask in any lululemon where they are, and they are happy to show you. What does this have to do with resolutions? Well for one, there is accountability. Your goals are literally on display! And secondly, they really do not want you to fail because then everyone will know. So they set you up to succeed. The four things they tell you before you brainstorm and write your goals are: make them concrete and measurable, start big, and then break it down to make the short-term ones attainable, make them positive, and begin making changes immediately. They also say to write them down and post them on the wall of your job. Maybe you don’t have to go that far, but it’s not a bad idea to write it down and stick it on your bathroom mirror, or on your desktop at work on a post-it. Anything to keep it in the forefront of your mind and keep yourself accountable.

My lululemon goals from 2015! I found them in my email. Most of them still stand. And I actually achieved (or am still working on) my 1 and 5 year ones!

I feel like it may come as a surprise to some of you that I am a fan of resolutions, but I am. I like to set goals for myself, and honestly, a resolution is just a positive goal to change your life for the better. Also, PLEASE remember guys, a resolution does NOT need to be body or health-related! And it shouldn’t be something you hate. This should go without saying, but people do it all the time. If you hated pizza, would you resolve to eat it? Ok, bad example everyone loves pizza… If you hated broccoli, should you resolve to eat it? NO. Eat another vegetable you like! If you hate running, do not resolve to run. It’s simple. And again, it does not need to be “eat healthy 5 days a week” or “work out more.” Plus, TBH, these should not be resolutions anyway. Eating to fuel your body, or working out to lower your cholesterol should just be things you want to do to live better and respect yourself. But I digress.

So what are my resolutions this year? I always make a few so I have a backup if I fail (LOL). This year I have one new one, and two rollovers from last year. I am writing them here to keep myself accountable:

  1. Plan myself less; have 1-2 FREE nights/week.
  2. Get back in the pool and start swimming again. At least twice a month, hopefully once/week.
  3. Do more weight training to become stronger. At least once/week, hopefully twice/week.

The first one is my top priority, but I already feel like I may fail, especially since I just found out I’m already double-booked for weddings on September 2, 2018! I am going to work really hard, though. I feel like every single night of my life is planned, and I never get a chance to relax. On July 17th I wrote a blog about how I did nothing that whole weekend. Not only was that a lie (read my blog to see why), but July 17th was the last time that happened.

The second and third ones are rollovers. I resolved to do them this year, too. I failed. So what? Don’t be embarrassed by failure, just try again! Maybe this next year I will do better because I’ll live closer to a gym where I like their classes. Or maybe I’ll buy a swim cap and goggles to get one step closer to achieving my goals. Maybe I’ll do that right now so I can start making moves to achieve my goals. And I love to swim! See, these resolutions do not need to be painful.

Some examples of super not painful resolutions, all of which have been resolutions of mine in the past few years:

I love to work out, but I was tired of everything I was doing. So this past year, my main resolution was to try new things and find something new that I really enjoyed. And I did! Art runs. More on that later this week.

I want to inspire you guys to make a resolution and try to stick to it. Maybe it’s as simple as “put the laundry away on the same night as you fold it,” or maybe it’s tougher like “run a half marathon by year end.” Either way, it always feels good to achieve something, even if it’s something fun. Start using those vacation days, even if they’re staycation days, and start doing nothing! Resolutions can be fun. 😊

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Miscellaneous

Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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Stock up on your Halo Top ice cream pints and boxes of tissues, the self-loathing train is approaching with a vengeance. Tonight is the self-hate night of the year: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Gone are the days of curvy Tyra Banks and NEVER are the days of human-looking women walking the catwalk, tonight is the night for unattainable body goals and 89 million dollar bras with so many diamonds they are sure to cut open your woman parts with one wrong sashay at the end of the runway.

Personally, I LOVE watching the show. In fact, I watch it ever year. I love to hate it. Maybe I just hate myself so deep down to my core that I force myself to watch how ugly I am compared to these fineee ladies, pushed in my face for an entire hour. Maybe I just like women walking in 6-inch high heels and 50-pound wings, waiting to watch them fall. (This never happens, it’s pre-recorded and you can only find the bloopers online). Maybe it’s because I can’t wait to see the musical guests, Leslie Odom Jr., Harry Styles, Miguel, Jane Zhang and Yundu Lu. Ok, it’s definitely not that because I only know one of those people. I really don’t know why I watch it, but it’s like a car accident and I am the worst rubbernecker of all time. I can’t help myself.

In these trying times, when the news every day is about yet another man abusing his power and treating yet another woman like a useless piece of chattel, there is no reason why I should enjoy yet another man (Ed Razek) in charge of throngs of underwear-clad ladies.

But again, I can’t talk too much sh*t because I f*cking love every second of it. Not only do I watch the show in its entirety (one of the only live TV events I watch all year long), but I also follow the news stories and events leading up to the show. As I mentioned before, the show is taped a week before it airs, so there is plenty of news and hype for weeks before the TV affair.

There were a few major pre-show news stories this year. The first was that since it was held in Shanghai for the first time, there were multiple people whose visas were denied, Katy Perry and Gigi Hadid being two of them. Katy Perry was banned for wearing a dress with sunflowers, and Gigi Hadid for apparently mocking Asian facial traits online. They are serious online stalkers over there in the visa office. I’m actually pretty impressed with their research techniques.

The second “major” news story was when Chrissy Tiegen tricked the internet into thinking she was going to walk in the show. The whole thing unfolded on her Instagram story, beginning with saying how she was nervous about the show, and then how she was getting in one last quick gym session. Then began her hilarious pleas that she was in Shanghai ready for her fitting but no one was answering her calls or emails. But then the best thing yet happened, she asked the twitterverse to photoshop her into a pic of all of the Angels. And the internet delivered in the best way possible. Times like those make me love the world wide web.

Anyway, the third and biggest story was that, yet again, the VS show will not have a single plus-size model. And by plus-size, I mean anyone over a size 6, maybe over a size 4. You know this is a problem because even Fox News is talking about it. This year, Ashley Graham, super famous plus-size model with 5.7 million Instagram followers, photoshopped a picture of herself with wings on, captioning it “Got my wings!” and the internet freaked out, thinking that perhaps VS had changed its ways. But no, no such luck. As Fashionista writes, it “seems so silly when you consider that the plus-size market here at home is growing at twice the rate of its straight size counterpart.” In fact, their main competitor, Aerie, is in the middle of a huge campaign to post photoshop-free ads by using the hashtag #AerieREAL. Victoria’s Secret’s only hashtag that comes even close to that is #TrainLikeAnAngel, which I think was meant to bring attention to physical fitness and healthy lifestyles. In my humble opinion, it just brought attention to the fact that VS Angels have 10 hours a day to work out, because it’s literally their jobs, as opposed to us “real people” who sit at desks watching their workouts on Instagram. Not exactly the same thing.

Again quoting Fashionista, and maybe I’m biased because the writer of the piece (Hey Tyler!) lived in my college dorm, “[Victoria Secret’s] entire marketing scheme is built upon tapping beautiful young women with millions of even younger, highly-impressionable followers. No one is asking Victoria’s Secret to give up its bevy of statuesque Angels — but perhaps it is time they consider widening their view of who is worthy to don their lingerie.”

And I agree. I think it’s time. I’d sure watch it! Then again, I watch it anyway.

In summary: Guys, I’m not sitting here telling you I’m not going to watch tonight. I’m going to watch the hell out of it. And I’m going to cry salty tears until my self-loathing turns my caramel chocolate Halo Top Ice Cream into salted caramel chocolate Halo Top Ice Cream. I’m going to live tweet the whole thing (Follow me on Twitter!). I’m going to talk about it all day tomorrow. And I’m going to swear that I will take up a new gym routine and #TrainLikeAnAngel for real. And then the next day I’ll give up because that’s what always happens, and I’ll make a new resolution on January 1 to train more, and hate myself less. And the vicious cycle continues.

But then I will remind myself that it is not my job to look like an Angel, it is my job to live the YOLO lifestyle like a regular 30-year-old millennial in New York, and to eat ramen every day because I don’t have a personal chef and that’s all my student loans payments will allow. And I’ll have to settle for that. See tonight on twitter, hopefully Adriana winks at me.

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Big City Living, Miscellaneous

Macy’s Parade Ultimate Viewing Guide

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I am quite possibly the most experienced Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade viewer that you will ever meet. I already told you about my long history with The Parade. As my Thanksgiving gift to you, I am sharing with you my ultimate guide of tips and tricks for watching the parade. I will do a separate guide for those in New York watching LIVE vs. people watching remotely. Although, let’s be honest, y’all should just come to NYC. It’s worth it.

LIVE VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:

  • DO attend the GREAT BALLOON BLOWUP the night before! It’s going on right now! 1-8 pm around the Natural History Museum.
  • DO dress in layers! This is self-explanatory. It’s cold AF and you’ll be standing still for a LONG time.
  • DO wear comfortable shoes. It’s a lot of hours. All standing.
  • DO go out drinking the night before. Then you’ll be dehydrated the next morning. Trust me, this will come in handy.
  • DO set 4 alarm clocks. Especially if you’re drinking the night before.
  • DO bring snacks. And breakfast. You’ll be hungry.
  • DO charge your phone and bring an extra charger. You’ll need it. Here’s why:
  • DO post incessantly on social media. Instagram and Snapchat needs to be jealous! Make sure the world knows that you live in the greatest city in the world and you only walked 10 blocks from your apartment to view the greatest parade on Earth.
  • DO tweet constantly @macys #MacysParade.
  • DO call all members of your family from the parade route so they are jealous. One year, my brother was in Israel and he called us from ISRAEL so he could feel like he was part of the action.
  • DO try and find any of your friends or relatives who are walking in the parade.
  • DO scream their names like a crazy person until they see you and wave.
  • DO still make sure you record the broadcast at home!! If you view the parade in person, you miss all the talent acts that take place in Herald Square. You will need to watch it in its entirety later! Also, you’ll want to see the commercials. More on that later.
  • DON’T be afraid to push people out of the way.
  • DON’T be intimidated by children. Feel free to tell those 3-year-old bastard children that now is not the time to be on your dad’s shoulders. There are 30-year-olds who wanna see Santa too!
  • DON’T drink coffee in the morning. Porta Potties. Need I say more?

AT-HOME VIEWING DO’s and DON’T’S:

  • DO wake up with enough time to brush your teeth. I’d normally allow 10 minutes before 9 am.
  • DO watch the entire thing. Show performances from 9-10 am. Rockettes somewhere in the middle. Santa at the end!
  • DO have a printout of the lineup with you so you can check off acts as they perform, and so you know what’s coming up.
  • DO watch Miracle on 34th Street directly after the end of the parade! We did this every year when we lived in Florida. It’s basically just an extension of the parade.
  • DO watch the 1947 version or the colorized version of it. This may belong in the DON’Ts section below, but don’t watch the 1994 version with Mara Wilson. Unless you’re watching both. Then it’s ok.
  • DO watch out for the special balloon this year commemorating the 70th anniversary of the movie!!
  • DO download the Macy’s app! They have amazing features you can use even from home! Like transforming yourself into a Macy’s Elf.
  • DON’T miss the beginning! You need to hear Amy Kule (the Executive Producer of the Parade) say “Let’s Have a Parade!”
  • DON’T fast-forward through the commercials! Many advertisers debut their best commercials of the holiday season during the Parade. There are always articles about how it’s a brand’s dream because everyone loves Thanksgiving. No conflicts of interest.
  • DON’T feel bad about tweeting constantly @macys #MacysParade even if you’re watching from home. Yes, I said this before. And I’ll say it again.
  • DON’T MISS SANTA! I already sorta said this above but, DUH.

And the most important:

DON’T MISS IT!!! According to the official website FAQ, “This once-a-year event is best watched live! Unfortunately, no reproductions of the broadcast are available for sale or distribution.”

Also, FYI, as much as I’d want to get proposed to during The Parade, it’s impossible. This is also covered in the FAQ. SEE YOU GUYS ON CENTRAL PARK WEST!!

SANTA! I KNOW HIM!!!!
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Miscellaneous

DIY Gumball Costume

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! As you read in my very long post yesterday, I spent $114 Saturday. October is my most expensive month. Therefore, I always try to spend as little as possible on my costume. I already told you last week, I am always trying to re-purpose the costumes I already have, since I have an entire box of them. Also, I have many crafting tools at my disposal since I have been doing this for years. My emoji-boyfriend is not so into the costuming like me, but if I completely take care of the cost and the labor of making it, he will relent and wear what I make him. Therefore, I try and make his costume low-cost as well. Overall, I spent $41.25 for both of our costumes. Not too bad. It may cost a bit more if you need to buy a glue gun, but they are generally less than $10.

We got a LOT of compliments, so I figured I could tell you how to do it.

Supplies for the Tutu:

  • Red Tulle
  • Scissors
  • Elastic or Ribbon that fits around your waist

Honestly, I don’t need to explain this whole process because I learned it, like many other things, from YouTube. Here’s a link to a great tutorial. You can decide either to use elastic as a waistband, or to use ribbon if you prefer to make a big bow on the back. If you use elastic, you’ll need a few stitches or a glue gun to connect the two ends.

I’ve done it both ways but I find elastic easier for bathroom purposes. Just cut the tulle to the width you prefer and cut it to twice the length you want, so you can double it over. I ordered it in 6-inch width from Amazon this year for ease, and because I didn’t have much time to cut the strips, but it was a bit more expensive. I linked it above, they have a lot of color options.

If you buy tulle from a fabric store, you’ll probably need 4-5 yards from a bolt (about $3/yard), but if you buy it like above from Amazon, you will probably need 4, 25-yard spools because they are only 6 inches in width. It also will depend on how long and fluffy you want your tutu. I needed to cover my silver-unitard-ed bum, so I wanted mine extra long.

 

Supplies for the coin slot:

  • Piece of cardboard (cut out of any box)
  • Duct Tape
  • Sharpie

This was incredibly easy. I just took a piece of cardboard from a box and I covered it in duct tape. Then I drew on the coin slot. The tricky part is I made a little loop on the back from doubled-over duct tape, so I could tie some extra tulle to it, and connect it to the waistband of the tutu.

Supplies for the Quarter:

  • One bowl for tracing
  • One piece of silver poster board
  • Scissors
  • Sharpie
  • Twine/string (stolen from the office)
  • A friend with amazing freehand drawing skills

Not much to say about this: trace a bowl for a perfect circle, have an amazing friend copy a photo of a quarter from the internet. Trace the pencil outline with a Sharpie. Or just freehand it with a Sharpie. I was ready to just write “25¢” on a silver circle, but my friend made a real piece of art. Then I punctured the front and back of the quarter with a letter opener, and threaded the string through. If you have money to burn, it may be a good idea to laminate the pieces so they don’t get soggy from beer, but I was short on time and money, and my emoji-bf is clearly better at not spilling than me. It lasted all day!

Supplies for Gumball Belly:

  • Same bowl for tracing
  • 2 pieces of white felt
  • Scissors
  • Lots of pom poms
  • Glue gun
  • More sticks of glue for the glue gun than you’d think (I used 10)
  • 4 safety pins

This was much easier than I anticipated. I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to decide how large the pom poms should be. Most people said 1 inch, so I bought the cheapest pack of them from Amazon (link above). They were definitely smaller than an inch, but it still worked out well and there was a great mix of colors. I traced the same bowl I used for the quarter on two pieces of felt, then hot glued them together. Then I started at the bottom of the circle, and tried to randomly place the colors, with some attention to keeping a variation of colors, but also not caring too much because real gumballs have the same color next to each other sometimes! It did take more glue than I thought it would, but ultimately only took about 10 minutes to complete while binge-watching Will and Grace. I opted not to use the white, brown and black pom poms, but that is up to your own artistic license. I also decided not to fill the circle up completely, to make it more realistic.

Safety-pin that baby onto your uni! (or tank top). I realized that I preferred it to be a bit underneath the tutu, making it more of a 3/4-moon shape, again to make the circle look a little more realistic like a gumball machine. Personal preference.

Supplies for headwear:

  • Headband you’re willing to part with
  • 10 pom poms (I had plenty left over from the belly)
  • Glue Gun
  • 2 sticks of glue

As I trolled google for gumball costumes, I saw a lot of people wear red beanies for the tops of the gum ball machine. That is a cute idea, but I have a really weird-shaped head. Every beanie I wear just makes me look bald. I settled on my old faithful hair accessories: headbands and bows! I glued 10 different-colored pom poms on a throw-away headband from CVS, and tied a red ribbon that I already owned in my hair.

I already owned a silver unitard from my previous jaunts as the Tin Man and a Hershey’s Kiss (see below), but for those of you who do not have one, you can always safety pin the gum ball felt belly on a white tank top and wear red shorts or a red skirt under your tutu. Highly recommend this costume, with or without the emoji-bf! You can be the quarter, too! The more accessories, the better. I plan on repeating the costume tonight to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. Hopefully no one thinks I’m a clown and gets scared again! I think I already know what I want to be for next year, but if you have any great ideas, comment below! Have a boooo-riffic day!

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Miscellaneous

Pre-Halloween Pub Crawl Poem

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‘Twas the night before the Pub Crawl, and all through the City,

Millennials were home watching Netflix, no one getting litty.

The unitards were hung by the doorways with care,

In hopes that the Halloween Pub Crawl would bring strangers who stare.

The hot glue guns were heating, the felt was cut up,

The costumes were barely ready, but their minds were made up –

The next day would bring debauchery and a whole lot of booze,

With 13 pubs on the route, they packed comfortable shoes.

 

Generation Y was nestled all snug in their beds,

With knowledge their parents wouldn’t like their inappropriate threads.

Is it “sexy nurse” or “sexy cat” or “sexy bunny” this year?

Their parents lay in their beds, paralyzed with fear.

When out on the streets, there arose such chatter,

These are unitard-clad adults! These outfits do NOT flatter.

Their parents were relieved, and they thought to themselves, smugly,

THANK GOODNESS MY CHILDREN LOVE TO DRESS UP SO UGLY!

 

Can’t wait to crawl with you all tomorrow!!!!

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Miscellaneous

Spotify Time Capsule

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Do you love the 90’s? If you were born in the late 80’s, probably the answer is “HELL YES.” If you were born in the 70’s and you love the 80’s, the same thing applies. Et cetera. Et cetera. Et cetera. What if I told you that you could be instantly transported to the best jamz of your youth, curated FOR YOU, with a click of a button? You’d totally be down, right? I thought so. Well that is exactly what Spotify Time Capsule is. It has changed my life and made my week. This feature has been available since September 28th, and I don’t know how I have survived a month (or 30 years) without it.

During my Monday night Spin class, I casually mentioned that I had done an all throwback 90’s playlist last Thursday (listen to it here!) so a newbie to my class came up to me afterward and informed me of this magical feature on Spotify. Somehow, through a mix of creepy stalkage, magic, and voodoo (and by asking the year you were born), Spotify creates a playlist of every song you listened to from 5th grade through twelfth. AND BEYOND. Ok maybe not EVERY one, but 55 of them! This is a creepily accurate list.

According to Spotify’s press release, this feature can be designed for any user over the age of 16, in 60 Spotify markets, and “gathers the 30 most nostalgic tracks from your teens and early twenties, creating the soundtrack for a trip down memory lane.” My capsule had 55 songs, so I guess it ranges per person. Maybe it’s because I obsessively use Spotify every day, and also because I pay for premium. But this feature is not reserved for only premium users! Most tech blogs presume that this idea comes from the “battle for subscribers” between Apple Music and Spotify, with both of them trying to add more personalized features. I have always been Team Droid, but in my completely biased opinion, I have to say, Spotify NAILED this one.

It would be one thing if it only picked songs from my already-downloaded library, but no. This list includes songs I totally forgot about but TOTALLY listened to. It starts with “This is My Party” from Fabolous and goes to “Case of the Ex” by Mya, two of my favs. At first, I was skeptical. Didn’t everyone love those songs? Also, are they only picking hip hop because I play a lot of hip hop for my spin classes? But then I scrolled down and realized a large majority of southern rappers, Trick Daddy appears more than once. Did they know I grew up in south Florida? HOW!? I didn’t even have Spotify back then!

Then I thought to myself, I liked more than Southern Rap. These Spotify biatches don’t KNOW me!! So I scrolled some more and found Backstreet Boys… then Fiona Apple… then Whitney Houston… a song from Pocahontas… OK THEY KNOW ME! THEY KNOW ME BETTER THAN I KNOW MYSELF! I have been listening to this playlist for two days straight. You guys absolutely must try it out and tell me if my playlist is different than yours! Click here to make your own, and then check out mine in all its glory. If you’re using the Spotify program and not the browser version, just type “time capsule” into the search bar. I guarantee you it will make your day.

https://open.spotify.com/user/spotify/playlist/37i9dQZF1E516gnkWfVieT

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Miscellaneous

DIY Costumes

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Halloween is Coming!!! Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year (except my birthday). How could you NOT like a halloween that is about candy, talking to strangers, and best of all: COSTUMES. I love dressing up, and I always have. If you have not already subscribed to my blog, you are missing weekly emails with CLASSIC #tbts of me in costume. I have dressed up as everything from a drag queen princess to a gypsy; you can see I have loved costumes since the beginning of time. At least the beginning of MY time. Also, I love love love crafting.

Growing up, I often had handmade or hand-thrown-together costumes, and I have been a fan of the DIY costume ever since. The best part about making your own costume is that no one else will have it. Anyone can go into a Spirit of Halloween popup and buy a sexy nurse or sexy army girl costume. But not everyone can put together a super-not-PC gypsy costume complete with crystal ball made of tin foil.

Which brings me to my next point: the point of Halloween is NOT to be sexy. October 31st is not an excuse to forego half of your clothes. I don’t know who decided that a costume is just leaving half of your outfit at home and putting on cat ears, but that will not cut it. Reminds me of the infamous scene in Mean Girl, the epitome of this:

There is a meme that makes its rounds on Instagram every year, about “sexy girl Halloween costumes vs. me,” and that perfectly personifies my idea of Halloween costumes. The weirder, the better. This all started in 2009 when my best friend and her sister (and I) decided to be Treasure Trolls. This was LONG before the Troll movie. We made the most amazing troll costumes ever known to man. Photos are coming. Get excited.

So why and how are my ideal DIY costumes 100% awesome but 100% NOT sexy?? Let’s break it down step by step:

The base of the costume must ALWAYS be a unitard.

This is a tradition that has been unbroken since 2009. The most epic unitard was definitely the 2009 treasure troll one, because it was see-through. And ordered from eBay. According to the reviews, it was supposed to be used for fetish play. As in… there was a hole. In a choice place. In fact, one of the reviews recommended wearing it backward… depending on what you’re into. You catch my drift. Anyway, after this year, we realized that the hole was incredibly convenient because a unitard made of pantyhose material is not easy to take off and on! Think about how tough it is just to put on tights! (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.) When you are pub-crawling, you are most likely drinking in excess, which means you are taking bathroom trips in excess as well. That hole in the unitard came in handy. These unitards were especially epic because they matched our skin and people thought we were naked. The next year we used a unitard as the base of our costume again, and a tradition was born.

The next year we were a huge wolf pack. The fetish unitard only came in two colors, “nude” and “black” (racist, much?). Anyway, I chose to be the one black wolf in the wolf pack, like I’m the black sheep in my family. JK JK. Anyway, it was a hit yet again, with cutoff shorts and amazing hair and makeup to top it off, done by our friend who is a makeup artist.

The next year, I did a costume all by myself, and I knew I had a lot to live up to. I kept all of the preparations a secret! How could I outdo the Treasure Trolls from years past?? If you dream it, it will come. I became the World’s Tallest Oompa Loompa, and it was terrifying. Face paint, wig and all. I made the entire costume by hand, all the way down to drawing the stripes on my soccer socks, and buying long johns from Walmart.com. This was 2011, the year of the Halloween Blizzard. I was still living in Brooklyn and I knew I couldn’t miss the Halloween party in Manhattan, so I camped out at my friend’s house all day, scared that they would shut down the subways if I waited longer to go into the city. Painting myself into an oompa loompa in secret in a friend’s bathroom is NOT an easy feat. This look took some real determination, but I did it! For this look, I actually used Rit Dye to color my unitard the perfect orange-brown-skin-shade. Talk about dedication to the cause.

Around this time, for some reason, unitards became avant-garde. Of course, they were not avant-garde to us, but the addition of the word “morphsuit” to the Halloween lexicon was a gamechanger. Don’t get me wrong, we would never dare to purchase a morphsuit skeleton and that be the end of the costume. I like crafting too much for that. At first, they only had about 6 colors available, and we did our best with those. The first year we made use of morphsuits we were uni-corns. Get it? Unitard – Unicorn? I thought it was a great idea. We made horns out of Crayola Model Magic, and we painted and glittered ourselves into oblivion. Then we put on some false eyelashes. Then we added a tutu. TADA! Done.

This brings me to my next step to ensure ugly but classic costumes: DIY no-sew tutus! I originally learned how to do this from youtube, and I have mastered the skill throughout the years. I can now make a tutu with my eyes closed. Literally. I currently have 5 tutus in my closet. I will have 6 after I craft my current costume tonight (tutorial coming soon).

This brings me to the next and last step to ensure a not-sexy costume: stuffing your belly! You know how some girls diet so they can fit into their (lack of fabric) costume? I do the exact opposite! There’s nothing like covering your belly with some extra belly, so people can’t tell which part is natural and which part is just extra padding! It’s like they say in Miracle on 34th Street, “since I carry my own padding with me, I got the job, see?” Often when I am researching DIY costumes and looking at how to make mine better (pinterest has been a lifesaver here, and I’m not even a member!), I have noticed that I often pick costumes that are picked by pregnant women. This is extra fun, because when people think I am pregnant, and they see me drinking in excess, it provides for some great looks and comments. LET ME LIVE, OK!? When I began stuffing my belly for Halloween, I used pillow stuffing that you can buy by the bag from Michael’s. Last year, I discovered a much easier way, I stuffed an emoji pillow in my unitard! The stuffing stays together and it’s perfectly round!

The best part about making your own costumes is that you can repurpose the different parts for different things. I repurposed my wolfpack black unitard to make it a bee unitard by making a new last-minute tutu. I have used my yellow unitard to be a Minion and a Care Bear (Funshine Bear), and Winnie the Pooh. I’ve used my blue unitard to be a Unicorn and a Smurfette (terrifying, really). I’ve used my silver unitard to be the Tin Man and a Hersey Kiss. It’s all about repurposing and #BallinOnABudget.

I wish I had this blog years ago years so I could have shared my ideas and steps to make my costumes.

My costume for this year is a surprise, but considering I was supposed to be in a big group costume that only fell through last week, you can be sure I will be repurposing a few items from my costume box! (Yes, I have a costume box… it takes up valuable closet space in a New York apartment but it’s #WorthIt.)

I will be posting a DIY blog specifically for my 2017 costume next week, after the big reveal this weekend at the traditional annual pub crawl. I hope you guys like it!

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