Long Legs and other Personal Problems

Pity Party

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It’s ok to not be ok. I hereby welcome you to my Pity Party.

I saw a tweet the other day that said “physically i am two days away from july, emotionally i am still processing February.” This could not be any more real. Like… what the F*&K happened to 2020?? I looked at the calendar the other day and I was like wow… back in January, WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK?!

And here’s the thing, there are a lot of terrible things going on in the world. There is a police brutality crisis, mass incarceration, unemployment, world hunger, and Russian dictators putting bounties on American soldiers. Not to mention 503K deaths worldwide from Covid, and more every day.

But you know what else is going on? NOTHING. At least in my life. And to be completely honest, I have good days and bad days. Last weekend? A lot of bad days. But I had ice cream, which made it a little bit better.

I’m in mourning for the year I thought I was going to have. I had really high hopes! I had goals to visit three new countries. Remember traveling? Another goal: to go to 100 bootcamp classes. Ya know, at the gym. Remember those? And another goal: To book hair for 2 weddings.  Remember weddings? Where people attended IRL and got their hair done?

Speaking of weddings, how about mine?

This is usually around the point where I start to unravel. Not to be overly dramatic, but my entire plan for my life has come undone at this point. And yes, I know it’s only been 4 months of quarantine (so far), but the reality is, we have a LONG road ahead of us. No vaccine on the horizon, no idea when it will be released. When it is, will it be safe? Will it be unfathomably expensive? Will it be widely available? Should it be? We won’t know the long-term side effects; we won’t really know what side effects there are at all. Will you even feel comfortable taking it? And how long until we do feel comfortable? What happens in the meantime?

Back to my life plan – it’s out the window at this point. I feel like Rachel from Friends when she turns 30. (That whole clip is worth watching, by the way.)

In Rachel’s words, “I realized it was stupid to get upset about not having a husband and kids, all I really needed was a plan!” Well we all know what they said about the best laid plans. If you guys don’t watch the clip, the gist is that she wants three kids, starting to have the first one at 35 so she counts backward from there and… spoiler alert, she is already too old for her own plan.

I’m not going to say I live by the Rachel Green’s plan, but the annoying part about this whole pandemic is that a LOT of things have been postponed. Weddings can be pushed off, travel can be rescheduled, engagement parties, brunches, celebrations of all kinds. But you know what Rachel had right? Time marches on and fertility still has an expiration date. Wtf!

Now, this is not a blog about having a baby, and I’m not having one right now anyway, but I’d like to have time before I do. Time to travel without kids. Time to enjoy my engagement. Time to celebrate it. Time to plan a wedding and actually visit venues, to have the opportunity see them with my own eyes. Time to enjoy Girls Nights Out.

When we got engaged, for the three glorious weeks post-engagement and pre-pandemic, people asked if we had a wedding date. (Why? I have no idea. Don’t do that, guys.) Anyway, when I said we didn’t, invariably they said, “That’s great! That’s fine! Enjoy your engagement! It’s the best time.”

Is this “enjoying our engagement?” Is it “the best time?” Living in a house that is not our own, halfway across the country, without the ability to go out on dates, have an engagement party, show off my ring, see my parents? I can’t even get my nails done to show my ring off on Instagram!

So yeah, I’m not ok. Not today, at least. I spent the last three days watching TV and trying to forget real life. It didn’t really work but the ice cream was good. I realize that things could be worse. We are lucky to be employed, safe, healthy, etc. But sometimes I need to throw myself a pity party. Y’all are invited to the next one. It’ll be on Zoom. BYO ice cream.

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Miscellaneous

Quarantine Birthday

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The way this year is going, a good percentage of us are going to be experiencing quarantine/social distanced birthdays. In fact, if we don’t get a vaccine any time soon, it may even be two birthdays for some of us. Morbid, I know. But I’m writing this blog as a retrospective about how fun these solo birthdays can be! My birthday was almost a month ago, and I’m still thinking about it. Granted, I may still be thinking about it because nothing else has happened in my life since then and I have no plans for the future. But it could be because it was AWESOME.

First, I want to remind you that birthdays are kind of a big deal for me. I have been throwing themed shebangs ever since I can remember. There was my Tutu 22, my 23rd Revenge of the Nerd, 2-4 Ready to Score, 29 Neon Sign. I could go on. Anyway, the point is, I was pretty dang bummed when I realized I’d be spending my birthday without costumes, without friends, and in the house. My mom asked me about a month before my birthday what I was planning on doing and I said “well I’ll tell you one thing I am NOT doing – a Zoom birthday party.” I have been SO zoomed out! I am on zoom meetings morning ‘til night for work, and the last thing I wanted to do was feign happiness in front of the computer while physically drinking alone. Sounded like a recipe for disaster. So, I started to plan ahead to make sure my birthday would be something to look forward to.

I also will remind you here that ICE CREAM is a big deal for me. Remember, my whole 30th birthday was based on me eating enough ice cream to curb my sugar cravings for months?

Let me tell you a story – when I was 22 years old, living alone in Florida with my first big-girl job, my office chipped in to get me a big birthday cake. Not just any birthday cake, a CUSTOM ICE CREAM CAKE. Homemade ice cream, unique flavors. Let me tell you as a 32-about-to-be-33-year-old, I NEVER stopped thinking about that cake. I literally thought about that cake for a decade. About a month before my birthday, an idea came to me – maybe I could find a place in Texas to make one for me! I started feverishly researching places that were open, had curbside pickup and unique flavors, and I called around. I finally found one! Henry’s Homemade Ice Cream. It was 30 minutes away, which I figured was nothing for a good cake. They promised 2 layers of ice cream in any of the 110+ flavors they had, and cookies crumbled in the middle, plus hand-decorated. I ordered a heart-shaped blackberry and vanilla fudge swirl cake and started to salivate.

Food is an integral part of any quarantine birthday, but even better? The GIFTS. After around my 17th birthday, I had sort of given up on receiving birthday gifts. Yes, I usually get something from my boyfriend, maybe my parents, maybe a check from my grandma or something small and thoughtful from a super close best friend, but usually the real present is their presence! I throw a shindig, people come, buy me drinks, maybe bring homemade cupcakes, a bottle of liquor, something like that. But a quarantine birthday?? Since no one can actually spend it with you they send PREZZIES!!! And with the mail being sort of messed up and slow delivery times, people send them early. This year, I got my first delivery about 10 days early, a whole BOX of insomnia cookies! Then I got a box with my FAV (only) sneakers I run in from my Mom. Then another box with Golden Girls socks from a friend living in Scotland at the moment. Then another from a friend in Seattle. Then another from a friend living in Miami at the moment. Then an egift that arrived in my inbox on my birthday. It was like feeling the love from around the world in my own house! (Or in Chris’s family’s house.)

My favorite part was the thoughtfulness. My BFF in Miami knows me so well that she bought me the exact same inflatable pool that I had ordered for myself! Thankfully I found out early enough that I could cancel my order. My other BFF sent a Nipyata, which, if you haven’t heard of it, is AWESOME. Basically it’s all the fun of a pinata but with the addition of booze. It came with a stick, a blindfold, and twine to tie it up. It was family fun for everyone! The kids got the candy, I got the Fireball.

Then there was the actual day of my birthday. It started with breakfast in bed, which was set up while I was braiding my hair (natch). Then there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me downstairs and balloons from my fiance’s family. And I got gifts from my fiancé including new running headphones (they didn’t work well and we had to return them, but it’s the thought that counts!). And he also gave me a little bell he said I could ring for him to be at my beck and call whenever I wanted for a whole day. After digesting my amazing homemade breakfast, I did my favorite kind of workout (step class DUH), and then showered and blew up my pool so it would be ready for my bday weekend. Then I decided to REALLY treat myself and go see my one friend I have in Dallas.

My friend from college, Nathan, who I see every time I come to Texas for Christmas, actually has a birthday one day before me. After 2.5 months living 20 minutes away from him, I finally MASKED UP and went to go see him. We stayed outside and brought his dog to the dog park, then we bought some coffee and it was SO NICE to see a friendly face, even if only from the mid-nose up. We didn’t actually drink the coffee because masks.

Then I took the car to pick up my amazing birthday cake. Unfortunately, or hilariously, they got the words messed up. Instead of “Happy Quarantine Birthday Emily” they said “Happy Birthday Quarantine Emily.” Who’s “Quarantine Emily?” She sounds lame. All was forgiven because it was delicious. And I got myself a scoop of cinnamon ice cream for the drive home, too, because there’s no such thing as too much ice cream on one’s birthday.

I got back from my ice cream errand just in time to do my hair and makeup. My mom had planned me a “surprise” that she named “It’s a Philly Thing.” Honestly, I had no clue what it was. I don’t have any friends in Philly. The only people I know are my parents. Also, she sent me a zoom link and I had specifically said I didn’t want a zoom party. But one thing I’ve learned in my 33 years is that when your mom tells you where to be and to look cute (hair and makeup encouraged), you do it. I had my drink ready, and I logged in. Surprise!!! It was a zoom party! But not exactly. It was 26 consecutive 5-minute zoom chats! That’s right, my mom (with the help of two of my friends) organized 26 separate groups to wish me a happy birthday. Creativity was encouraged and OMG people were SO CREATIVE. I had slide shows made for me, poster board signs, videos with my friends/relatives kids, acrostic poems, birthday hats, musical numbers, people dressed up like Carol Baskin and Joe Exotic, friends making me guess dirty jokes as a drinking game, and one of my coworker’s videos ended with a photo of a cake she made me… AND FEDEX-ed ME! Chris presented it to me at the end of the call. WHAT!? It was absolutely AMAZING. I felt so incredibly loved and appreciated. But WOW was it exhausting! 2+ hours on Zoom with new people every five minutes is hard! Good thing I had ice cream cake afterward to perk me up again!

The next day I had a zoom brunch with my friends (all of whom I saw the night before, but I didn’t know that was happening of course). And the e-gift I mentioned before? It was for a liquor delivery from Drizly that arrived the next day with my favorite drinks, Angry Orchard, Aperol Spritz supplies and Moscow Mule gummies! I made an Aperol Spritz and took my Zoom call to the pool with me! It was the PERFECT weekend.

If you have a quarantine bday coming up, maybe these ideas helped you so you can make the most of it. I hope you have friends and family that are as awesome as mine!

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